xxmadsenxx | Entries tagged with cravings

Being really stressed tends to make me think about drinking and/or using...typically both. I fucking hate it. Jenny can always tell when I start craving something. I don't even have to tell her. I was sitting at the kitchen table with my laptop doing work shit way past when I should have been working. As in like, two and a half hours ago. She came over and sat at the table with me and asked if I was ok. I told her I was just stressed. She just flat out asked, "What are you craving right now? Take a break and talk to me about it." I asked her how she could tell I was having cravings, and she said, "Your mannerisms. The way you've been running your hands through your hair. The amount of cigarette breaks. I know you very well, Chris. I can tell. Please just talk to me about it." I shut my laptop and said I needed a cigarette, but that she could come out with me if she wanted to and I'd start talking to her about it. She pointed out that my hand was shaking while I was smoking. That's something that tends to happen with cravings. Jenny said, "You need to talk to your boss. You're working too much and too hard and all this stress is taking a toll on you. It's not healthy. I know you don't want to feel the way you're feeling right now, and I hate seeing you struggle like this. Please talk to your boss and figure something out. You can't keep going like this." I know she's right. its not good for me physically or mentally. Every day after work I come home and work some more. I don't really eat until Jenny reminds me to or makes me something and brings it to me. My insomnia is even worse because of the stress. It gives me anxiety, and the anxiety is what leads to the cravings. My company took on another client which is why I'm SO fucking busy. This happened after I agreed to help manage this other department, or I never would have done it. Now both my departments are even busier, and I can't fucking handle it without getting super stressed. If they don't let me hire another person for my own department and make someone kind of an assistant of sorts...like a supervisor, I can't fucking do it anymore. I'm pretty sure I still have time to get out of the contract for this other department. I don't want to get out of it necessarily, but if some changes aren't made I'll have to. I can't keep cramming 60 hours worth of work into a 40 hour work week. I just can't. I used to get everything done in about 35 hours, which gave me enough time for the youth center. Now it's so hard to even find time for that,so I'm not there very much, and that's not ok with me. But feeling like shit and being stressed and tired all the time isn't ok with me either...especially if it's going to cause me to have cravings. I'm not ok with that. I already have enough on my plate with work, kids, Jenny, our relationship counseling, and now the holidays. It's just not ok. I'm on my phone right now and I just noticed while holding it that I'm still a little shaky. I also just realized that I've only eaten once today. That probably has something to do with it.

I'm going to talk to my boss tomorrow. Putting it off won't help anything. My boss loves me and she has always been really accommodating and helpful, so I'm sure she'll do whatever she can to fix things. Thinking about talking to her about it tomorrow is making me even more anxious though. Ugh. Wish me luck.

Tomorrow Jenny and I are having a date night, so regardless of how tomorrow goes I'm not working late. It's nice knowing that, at least. I'm looking forward to it. One-on-one time with Jenny is always nice, but I really need it tomorrow. She always manages to make me feel better. I'm so glad I have her. She has this way of just easing my mind. Yeah, we have some fucked up times and a lot of problems. But she's so loving and so caring and so supportive. I seriously don't know what I'd do without her. I'm still anxious and stressed right now, but I feel better than I did before I talked to her about it. Wow, I just realized that I'm hungry after not eating much today, and it's like Jenny read my mind. She just made me two grilled cheese sandwiches and brought me a Diet Coke. Sweet! I love that girl.

Current Mood: anxious

I had my appointment with the psychiatrist today. I got a prescription for Trazodone to see if it will help me sleep. I talked to him about Effexor and I decided I'm going to wait a few weeks to see if my depression starts easing up. He said he thinks it would be a good idea for me to take it for at least a few months if I don't start feeling better in 3 to 4 weeks. He said that if I start getting more sleep I might feel better, so I hope the Trazodone works. He said he wants to see me in 3 to 4 weeks because he wants to monitor my depression because of my addiction. He asked me if I've been having cravings and I fessed up to having alcohol cravings. So I think that's the main reason he's worried about it.

I have pretty much been lying to myself and everyone else about the cravings. I have been craving alcohol the past couple weeks...sometimes pretty badly. I don't know why I was trying to downplay it. I think Jenny knew that I was having worse cravings and more of them than I've been letting onto, and that's why she threw it in my face a few times when we had that fight. Major low blow. She has apologized a million times for it, so that's good. That whole thing is another entry though. What's not acceptable and all of that. I don't feel like getting into that right now though. So yeah...I have been having cravings for alcohol. I've been thinking about it, and I think that's a lot of the reason I looked at that drink menu. Not just because I was curious. I mean...I wasn't going to order anything. I was just being dumb. At least I'm not craving any drugs. So that's a really good thing.

Ugh...I have to go back to work. At least for a few hours. I really don't want to. Oh well. I really will catch up with and get back to you guys later. I just haven't had a chance to yet.

I'm having one of those minor alcohol cravings, where I don't want to get drunk or anything...I'm just craving a drink. For the taste of it, I guess. It's not really bothering me...it's not that type of craving. For some reason a beer sounds really good right now. I'm not depressed. I'm not upset. I don't want it for some emotional reason. I just feel like having one. Just one beer. But I can't stop at one drink, so of course I won't have one. There's a no alcohol rule in my house, so it's not like there's any around anyway. Well, even if that rule wasn't in place, there wouldn't be any here right now anyway; Jenny is pregnant, and B can't drink for the same reason I can't (plus he's 17). But even when my older brother lived with me, there was no alcohol allowed in the house. At all. Just having it here would be way too tempting. And if there was whiskey in the house? Fuck that. It would be REALLY hard for me to resist it. That was my drink. Damn, now I could really go for a Jack and Coke. I'll settle for a plain old Diet Coke though. Aspartame is better than alcohol haha.

I forgot to go buy cigarettes today. Now I'm stuck with the few non-menthol ones I have left. I'm sure the only reason I even have any left is because I don't like them. Oh well. Whatever. Better than nothing.

I made one of those Christmas countdown paper chains with Evan today. The ones where you make chain links out of construction paper that alternate between red and green, and you tear one off each day of December until Christmas. My mom used to make them with us when we were little. He enjoyed it. He's also excited about his chocolate Advent calendar that he gets to start using tomorrow. I used to love those. I should have gotten myself one haha. You're never too old for a daily dose of chocolate!

The Christmas countdown thing just reminded me of something. One year, when I was like 18, my brother, my friends and I did this thing we called the Cocktail Countdown to Christmas. We made this giant poster with a different drink and the recipe or whatever you want to call it for each day in December. Well, each day until Christmas. Christmas was the "all you can drink" day haha. We had a shit load of stuff that day. Pretty much every type of alcohol you can get. I got so fucked up that Christmas, after I was done with my family stuff. That night was crazy. Anyway, each day we'd make the designated daily cocktail, and then cross off that date with a Sharpie. It was a pretty fun countdown.

Time for a Diet Coke and a cigarette. Two of the things I love most, haha. Just for the hell of it, and because I'm kinda bored, here's a list of the things I love most, off the top of my head. These things are in no particular order (but of course my family is what I love the very most):

- Evan and the new baby
- Jenny
- B
- My mom, my siblings, and the rest of my family
- My friends
- Cigarettes
- Diet Coke
- Guitar
- Music in general
- Naps
- Sex (regardless of my bitching lately haha)
- Kissing (Sex aside. And Jenny is an AMAZING kisser. Seriously, amazing. I could kiss her all day, with or without sex. Ok, now I sound lame. I'll shut up about that.)
- Coffee
- Chocolate
- Ice cream
- Pizza
- Free time
- Technology, because without forms of technological entertainment I'd be bored as hell a lot of the time.

That's all I can think of right now. Pointless list, I know. But it killed a couple minutes.

Tomorrow is the 12-year anniversary of my brother's death. He died on Friday, October 29, 1999...only six days before our 20th birthday. Man, I'm old. (If you want the details of his death, here's an old entry about it: http://xxmadsenxx.livejournal.com/30110.html#cutid1) Halloween is always kind of a sad time of year for me. I love it, but at the same time, I hate it. I need to suck it up though, or at least put on a good act for Evan. He loves Halloween, so I need to make sure he has fun. At least taking him trick-or treating will cheer me up a bit, if I'm still feeling down on Monday.

I always get really strong urges to use around Halloween, for that reason. I mean, I always used and drank a ton around Halloween, because it's a huge party holiday. But even when I was doing it to party back then (even though I did it all the time anyway), I did it because I was thinking about him. I have had urges every year around Halloween since I've been clean and sober. This is my fifth Halloween since I got clean (since I've been clean/sober since March 2, 2007), but I'm still starting to get cravings. I was fine earlier today, but the past few hours they've been starting to creep up on me. Especially the past hour or two. I know they'll be bad tomorrow. The worst I've had in a long time, I'm sure. I'm trying to brace myself for it, because I know it's coming. I have a feeling I'll have a hard time sleeping tonight, because I'm sure they'll be pretty bad by then, at the rate they're coming on now. The next few days will probably be pretty bad, but tomorrow will be the worst. I just hope all the urges and depression go away by Tuesday, when Jenny and I are leaving for our trip. It's supposed to be a happy time, since we'll be getting engaged. I don't want to be feeling down or having cravings when we go. I think I'll be ok though. It's just this weekend that will be really hard. ESPECIALLY tomorrow. I had hoped that writing an entry about our trip and proposing would make me feel better, but it didn't really. I wish I could just keep thinking about that, but right now all I'm thinking about is my brother.

I think watching anyone die would be hard, but watching your identical twin die in front of you is REALLY hard. It's almost like watching yourself die, in a way. I wish I could erase it from my mind, but I can't. It still haunts me sometimes...and it always haunts me around Halloween. Jeremy was my best friend in the whole world. I would give anything to have him back.

The Halloween-time cravings are hard, because I crave EVERYTHING at once. Cocaine, alcohol, even opiates, up to and including heroin, and that wasn't really ever my thing. I only did it with him, and I didn't do it habitually. For a while I took a lot of painkillers, but I never did heroin very often (well, depending on your definition of "often"). But I guess that's probably why I crave heroin around this time of year...because I did it with him. I only did it a few times after he died. You'd think the fact that he died of a heroin overdose would make me NOT want it, but it has the opposite effect.

This year is especially hard. I don't know why. Some years the anniversary of his death is just harder than others. It's always hard, but sometimes it's REALLY hard. I can hardly believe it has already been 12 years.

Man, even since I started writing this the cravings have gotten a lot more intense. I have already gotten up for a cigarette THREE times since I started this entry. Fuck. I might as well be writing this in the garage, so I can smoke constantly. Good thing I just bought a carton...I know I'm going to go through A LOT of cigarettes in the next couple days. I know it's bad to smoke that much, but smoking like a chimney is the only thing that can keep me sane through all of this and curb the cravings at least a little bit. Cigarettes get me through the hard times. That's why it will be so hard to quit. But I'm not going to think about that right now. Not for a few more months. Fuck...I'm going out to the garage again. I'm sure I'll add to this entry later, as the night goes on and everything gets worse. I'll just keep adding to this one, because otherwise I'll just be annoying with multiple entries in a row about the same exact thing. Unless what I end up writing later is too long to add to this...then it will be separate, in which case, I'm sorry.

You know what? Scratch that...I KNOW I'll write a separate entry, because otherwise this will go on forever. Jenny went to dinner with a friend and I just texted her to ask when she'd be home. She called me and I guess she could tell I was upset before I even told her anything. Actually, I didn't even tell her anything. I just told her I was having a bad day. She knew why, obviously. She said she'd be home as soon as she can, but I told her not to hurry. I'll talk to her about it when she gets home in like an hour or so. I think I might talk to B about it, too. It's nice to have Jenny's love and support and to be able to talk to her about it, but B understands the craving side of it better than she does. I usually don't talk to him about my cravings...at least not very often or in very much detail, but I need someone who understands. I know he's just a kid, but he's been through all the drug shit, so he can relate. Usually the only time I talk to him about my own cravings is when he comes to me needing someone he can relate to. Now it's the other way around. Maybe I shouldn't talk to him about it, but it's not like he hasn't heard plenty of people talk about cravings and drug use and all of that in rehab or at the youth center before. I guess that's different though. I don't know. But I feel like I need to talk to him. I guess I could call my older brother, but I don't really want to for some reason. We're really close, and I know I can talk to him about it, but right now I don't want to. I'll see him tomorrow. If I feel like it, I'll talk to him about it then. I'm sure my mom is going to be really sad tomorrow. I'm not going to say ANYTHING about my cravings to her. Not a word. She'll already be having a hard enough time. I'll go see her tomorrow though. I'll just have to hide the cravings for a few hours.

Ugh. I'm going to go have that cigarette I was talking about and then talk to B. Then Jenny when she gets home. Maybe things will get better after that, but probably not. Now it feels like it's getting worse by the minute.

Current Mood: depressed

I've been having cravings for alcohol. Specifically whiskey. Big surprise there, haha. I crave alcohol the most when I want to drown things out...and right now, I want to drown out EVERYTHING. I'm just so fucking stressed and worried, but I have to keep it in because I don't want to add to Jenny's stress. She's going through enough right now. No need to trouble her with more. I'm trying to hide it from Evan, too. He's too young to understand, and I don't want him to be worried. No point in stressing out a little kid. He was a little worried when Jenny was in the hospital a few days ago, but I assured him that everything was ok. He believed me, so he's fine. But kids seem to be really good at picking up on the emotions of the people around them, so I try to play it cool whenever I'm around him...which is a lot. So I'm hiding it all the time, because I'm always around Evan and/or Jenny. Anyway, the cravings aren't that bad, but they're bad enough to be bothersome. Oh well. They'll pass. It just sucks for the time being.

There's no way in hell I can try to quit smoking anytime soon. It's going to have to wait for at least a few months. I still want to quit before the baby comes, but who knows if that will actually happen. I am WAY too stressed to even attempt to quit right now, and by the time all this sickness shit with Jenny is over (if it's ever over), it will be close to the holidays. Also not a good time to quit. Maybe I'll start trying sometime around the beginning of next year.

Haha it seems like those two things shouldn't be in the same subject line.

For some reason I'm really craving whiskey. It's not the usual type of craving for wanting to get drunk. I think whiskey is the type of alcohol I miss the most. Well, and sometimes beer. Mostly whiskey though. Having even just one Jack and Coke sounds really good right now. I don't even want it to get a buzz, let alone to get wasted. I guess I'm just craving the taste of it. It's really weird. I don't know if I've ever had a craving quite like this before. I'd much rather have this type than the wanting to get wasted type. It's not really bothering me too much. I kinda wish I could have just one since it sounds so good right now, but of course I'm not going to. I know I wouldn't stop at one. I'm the type of addict/alcoholic that can't just learn to do it in moderation. I have to abstain from everything completely, forever. Not even being able to have a drink with friends or on special occasions sucks sometimes, but it's the way it has to be. If I have to crave it, I'm glad I'm only craving the drink itself. Even thinking about it doesn't make me want to get drunk. That has definitely never happened before. I have craved just the taste of alcohol before, but thinking about it would eventually make me want to get drunk. Not this time. I honestly have no desire to actually drink, even though I'm thinking about it. That makes me feel really good. Obviously not craving it at all would be better, but I'm pretty happy about the fact that I don't want to drink right now. I guess the easiest way to put it is that want a drink, but I don't want to drink. Too bad cravings for coke and pills aren't like that. That would make things a hell of a lot easier...especially with cocaine. It's so much easier than it used to be though. It's definitely still hard sometimes, but it gets easier with time.

On a similar note...

I somehow forgot to post about this the other day. September 2nd marked 4.5 years clean and sober for me. I'm pretty proud of myself. :)

Current Mood: accomplished

I don't really want to talk to Jenny about this, and my brother's out of town (and asleep at this hour, I'm sure), so here I am. I just need to get it out.

I've been having a lot of cravings lately. More for cocaine than for alcohol, although I've had a few of those cravings recently too. I don't know what's causing it. I've been trying to pinpoint a trigger, but I can't. Everything is going fine. Sure, I'm a little stressed over some everyday things right now, but nothing I can't handle. So I know it's not that. I have no idea what it is, and it's starting to drive me a bit crazy. It's been going on for 5 or 6 days now.

The cravings are pretty strong. It's running through my mind constantly, and I can't even escape it in my sleep...I keep dreaming about it. I've been having these episodes where I can seriously taste and smell the cocaine, and that really gets me going. I don't even know how to explain it. It's like this intense wave of desire comes over me and I get a surge of adrenaline. It's definitely a rush, but not a very pleasurable one. It's anxiety provoking. It's an unrelenting insatiable urge, and not satisfying that urge leaves me feeling somewhat hollow and extremely uneasy. It gives me this uncomfortable, pressing feeling in my chest that won't go away and it makes me restless. Even cigarettes aren't helping very much, although I'm certainly glad I have them. Needless to say, I've been going through a ton of them lately. This whole thing is very distressing. I had to take a cigarette break just after writing this much.

Jenny can tell that something is obviously bothering me, but I told her I'm just stressed. Earlier tonight I was smoking in the garage for about the millionth time today and Jenny came out to get a Diet Coke. She said, "You've sure been smoking an awful lot lately. Are you sure you're ok?" I just told her that some stuff at work was really stressing me out. I don't know if she bought it though. She came over and gave me a kiss and asked me to please let her know if there was anything she could do for me. She started to go back into the house but stopped and said, "I'm worried about you, Chris. Please come to me if you need to talk." I didn't say anything...just nodded while taking a drag off my cigarette and kept looking at the ground. Then she told me she loves me and went inside. Ok, scratch what I said about not knowing if she bought it. She didn't buy it. She knows something's up, but I just don't want to tell her about it.

It's really eating at me. I thought writing about it might help, but it's not helping. Maybe I should go to a meeting or something, even though I really don't like going to meetings. I need to do something. I can't take much more of this. I'm not worried about slipping up and using or anything. I won't do that. I've come way too far for that, and I have too much going for me to fuck up like that. There's way too much at stake. I'm confident that I won't cave and give in to the urges. At least I can say that much. I just want this to go away.

I'm thinking this might be some type of subconscious thing having to do with my upcoming sobriety date. I'll hit the four year mark in less than a month. Come to think of it, this started exactly a month before the four year date, give or take a day. There's a definite correlation there. It must have something to do with it. It has to be related to that, but I don't know how or why.

Fuck.

I need another cigarette.

Current Mood: distressed

It's times like this that it's hard to stay sober. I don't crave alcohol or cocaine--or any other drugs for that matter--very often anymore, but right now I definitely am. I have gotten a lot better at dealing with stress and emotions, but it's still definitely not my strong point. I just want to drown it all out. I have the urge to drink myself into oblivion or use pretty much any other substance to take the edge off. Of course I'm not going to...I'm not going to throw away nearly 3.5 years of sobriety and ruin everything. I can't do that to my family or to Jenny, and most of all, I can't do that to my son. For that matter, I can't do that to myself...at least that's something I finally realize and care about. The urge is there, but I won't give in to it. Thank God for cigarettes at times like this. Of course that's not the best way to deal, but it helps. I have gone through way too many cigarettes the past few days though. Way too many. Finding out that my mom has cancer is a pretty good excuse for chain smoking though, if there ever was one. I guess doing something that causes cancer to deal with my mom having cancer sounds pretty stupid, but whatever. I need it. Either that or I need sex, but I'm not getting that tonight, so I'll go for the cigarettes haha. Anyway, I'm really glad that my brother lives here with us. He's my best friend, and he's also my confidante. I can go to him about anything, and I know that he'll be there for me and help me through it. I talked to him about all of this a few minutes ago, and he calmed me down quite a bit. But I still need another cigarette really bad. Really bad. And with that, I'm off to go have one.

Current Mood: distressed

I think I might go to a meeting tomorrow. For the past two days or so I have been thinking about drinking...a lot. No coke cravings, thank God, but the alcohol cravings have been pretty strong. I know that I won't drink, but I'm hoping that maybe a meeting will help kill the urge a little bit. I really don't like meetings though, so I don't know. I'm at a point where I am positive that I won't give in to my urges to drink, but I definitely still struggle with the cravings. I don't think they will ever entirely go away, although it has gotten better with time for the most part. I'm really bad at dealing with stress and emotions, so I'm not surprised that this thing is showing its face right now.

It probably wouldn't be a very good idea to ask Jenny to go with me, huh? I'm sure Annie would be pissed.

Edit: Not sure why I was even thinking about asking Jenny. Since she got out of rehab, the only contact we have really had has been regarding Evan, and that's how it should stay for now. She might get the wrong idea and think that I want our friendship to go back to how it was, but I don't want that. I only thought of her because she could be there to give me support, but I'll just ask my brother to go instead. Or I'll go alone.

I broke up with Annie last night. Well, kind of. We're "on a break". When I said we needed to take a break her eyes teared up and she said "You don't want to be with me anymore?" My response was simply "I want to, but I can't right now." Then she cried...a lot. I felt really bad, but I just can't do this right now. I told her I'm just having a really hard time with things, and I need some space. She asked if I was breaking up with her because of Jenny, and I told her no..that I just realized I'm not ready right now. Which hurt her, I'm sure. She got mad at me and bitched about me not ending it earlier if I wasn't ready, rather than waiting until after the six month mark. I admit, I should have...but I WANTED to be with her. Deep down I knew that I wasn't ready for another relationship, but I pushed that away and stayed with her anyway. I love Annie. I really do. I just can't deal with all of this right now. I need to focus on myself for a while. Who knows if this is really just a "break" or if it's over. I guess time will tell. I just don't think everything that's going on right now is fair to Annie, and I don't want to hurt her more than I have to. I realize that I have already hurt her, and that I hurt her by ending things, but I didn't know what else to do.

I'm also somewhat concerned about my sobriety. I have been craving both alcohol and coke REALLY bad this week. I'm resisting, but it's difficult. Maybe I should go to meetings or something...although the 12 step program is not for me. It might help though. Who knows. When I get a really strong craving, I just think about my son and it helps ease the craving. Like I have said a million times...if I didn't have him, I'd still be using. But I can't do that to him...ESPECIALLY since I have custody of him. I don't want to lose that.

I don't know why I told Jenny this, but I told her about the "break" that Annie and I are taking. She seemed excited...surprise surprise. She acted like she felt sorry for me and all of that, but I think that's just what it was...an act. The tone of her voice said something different. I don't know why I ran to Jenny. Just what I'm used to I guess. I'm still her safety net, and sometimes I think that she's mine, too.

I feel like shit for hurting Annie and making her cry so much. I just don't know what else to do. :\ I really want to be with her, but I just can't. It's so hard not to have a drink right now. Thank God for cigarettes, right? But I should quit those too. Now is definitely not the time for that though.

Fuck.

Current Mood: depressed

I'm craving a Jack and Coke and a line right now. I know those are things I can never have again, but the craving is strong today. It's still hard for me to cope with things sober, even though I have been clean for almost a year and a half.

If I didn't have my son, I would probably still be using.

Sorry for all the updates lately. I just have a lot on my mind.

So, I got in a little fight with the wife tonight. I don't really know what started it. It wasn't a big deal or anything...everything will be fine tomorrow, but still...I hate fighting with her. Especially when I don't even know what the fuck we started fighting about in the first place.

Anyway...

Sorry for the lack of updates (and comments on your journals) once again. Things have been kind of hectic lately. Not quite sure why...but it has been.

I'm still clean, but it's still hard. Especially when shit like this happens. I have the urge to go get a drink, or two, or ten, right now. But I've come too far to do that. Not only that, but Jenny would kill me...and I don't really want to piss her off.

I hope all of you have been well...I'll try to keep up more often, sorry.

Current Mood: tired

Something that bothers me...

Certain music seems to make me want to use. For instance...Sublime makes me want to smoke. I'm not going to, but I get the urge. I don't think smoking weed is a big deal, but if I want to stay clean I have to do it all the way. So that means nothing but cigarettes...which I also need to quit. But I'm not going to worry about that for quite a while. Not until I have this under my belt.

Maybe I should refrain from listening to certain types of music for a while.

Nah.

Current Music: Sublime -- April 26, 1992

I've been a bit on edge lately. I'm still clean though. I've been tempted, but I haven't given in. I refuse to fuck it up this time around. But I'm still at that point where I'm craving it a lot. Craving anything, really. So I've been a bit of an asshole the past few days. Just moody and short with everyone, including Jenny...but it will pass. I just need to give it another week.

I'm thinking so much more clearly now. About everything...the baby, Jenny, the future, and just life in general. I'm slowly going back to the person I was when Jenny and I started dating. Sober and clear-headed. And I'm so much happier already...aside from the mood swings. It's like I'm the pregnant one as far as mood swings are concerned, haha.

Current Mood: tired

God. I just finished writing the last entry, and already I'm having to write another. I fear that if I get up right now, I'll do something I regret. I can't deal with this shit. I just can't. I get into a fight with Jenny because I don't want her purging while she's pregnant. Well I'm so fucking sorry. I guess I'm just a horrible person for caring what happens to her and the baby. I'm an asshole for "telling her what to do with her own body". Well excuse me...I think this involves me too. Fuck me for caring.

Fuck.

I'm feigning (sp?) right now. I don't even know what for. Coke. Alcohol. Both. No...mainly liquor. A shit load of liquor. God I don't know. I can't get up from this computer desk or I'll fuck this up even more. How fucked up are we? We're having a baby, we have her (our) four-year-old, and Jenny can't stop doing the shit she's doing, and I can't get past my fucking addiction? Pretty fucking pathetic.

I seriously need something. I can't handle this. I can't handle anything right now. I hope none of you ever have to deal with this shit...not being able to get through a given night without some sort of mind-altering substance. It's pathetic. I can't give in to it though. I have to stop this shit. I've been so good for the past...I don't know, month? Six weeks? I don't know how long ago I wrote that last one when I did it. Maybe it hasn't been as long as I thought. But it's been a while. Now if only I could cut down on the drinking. I need to go to AA meetings or something. It's the middle of the night and I'm sitting here, anxious as all hell, heart pounding, NEEDING something. Anything. It doesn't even really matter what it is. But I know I can't have it. I can't let myself have it. I won't.

Fuck. Now I'm just rambling.

I need a cigarette.