Unshakable Urges
Feb. 8th, 2011 03:07 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
xxmadsenxxI don't really want to talk to Jenny about this, and my brother's out of town (and asleep at this hour, I'm sure), so here I am. I just need to get it out.
I've been having a lot of cravings lately. More for cocaine than for alcohol, although I've had a few of those cravings recently too. I don't know what's causing it. I've been trying to pinpoint a trigger, but I can't. Everything is going fine. Sure, I'm a little stressed over some everyday things right now, but nothing I can't handle. So I know it's not that. I have no idea what it is, and it's starting to drive me a bit crazy. It's been going on for 5 or 6 days now.
The cravings are pretty strong. It's running through my mind constantly, and I can't even escape it in my sleep...I keep dreaming about it. I've been having these episodes where I can seriously taste and smell the cocaine, and that really gets me going. I don't even know how to explain it. It's like this intense wave of desire comes over me and I get a surge of adrenaline. It's definitely a rush, but not a very pleasurable one. It's anxiety provoking. It's an unrelenting insatiable urge, and not satisfying that urge leaves me feeling somewhat hollow and extremely uneasy. It gives me this uncomfortable, pressing feeling in my chest that won't go away and it makes me restless. Even cigarettes aren't helping very much, although I'm certainly glad I have them. Needless to say, I've been going through a ton of them lately. This whole thing is very distressing. I had to take a cigarette break just after writing this much.
Jenny can tell that something is obviously bothering me, but I told her I'm just stressed. Earlier tonight I was smoking in the garage for about the millionth time today and Jenny came out to get a Diet Coke. She said, "You've sure been smoking an awful lot lately. Are you sure you're ok?" I just told her that some stuff at work was really stressing me out. I don't know if she bought it though. She came over and gave me a kiss and asked me to please let her know if there was anything she could do for me. She started to go back into the house but stopped and said, "I'm worried about you, Chris. Please come to me if you need to talk." I didn't say anything...just nodded while taking a drag off my cigarette and kept looking at the ground. Then she told me she loves me and went inside. Ok, scratch what I said about not knowing if she bought it. She didn't buy it. She knows something's up, but I just don't want to tell her about it.
It's really eating at me. I thought writing about it might help, but it's not helping. Maybe I should go to a meeting or something, even though I really don't like going to meetings. I need to do something. I can't take much more of this. I'm not worried about slipping up and using or anything. I won't do that. I've come way too far for that, and I have too much going for me to fuck up like that. There's way too much at stake. I'm confident that I won't cave and give in to the urges. At least I can say that much. I just want this to go away.
I'm thinking this might be some type of subconscious thing having to do with my upcoming sobriety date. I'll hit the four year mark in less than a month. Come to think of it, this started exactly a month before the four year date, give or take a day. There's a definite correlation there. It must have something to do with it. It has to be related to that, but I don't know how or why.
Fuck.
I need another cigarette.
I've been having a lot of cravings lately. More for cocaine than for alcohol, although I've had a few of those cravings recently too. I don't know what's causing it. I've been trying to pinpoint a trigger, but I can't. Everything is going fine. Sure, I'm a little stressed over some everyday things right now, but nothing I can't handle. So I know it's not that. I have no idea what it is, and it's starting to drive me a bit crazy. It's been going on for 5 or 6 days now.
The cravings are pretty strong. It's running through my mind constantly, and I can't even escape it in my sleep...I keep dreaming about it. I've been having these episodes where I can seriously taste and smell the cocaine, and that really gets me going. I don't even know how to explain it. It's like this intense wave of desire comes over me and I get a surge of adrenaline. It's definitely a rush, but not a very pleasurable one. It's anxiety provoking. It's an unrelenting insatiable urge, and not satisfying that urge leaves me feeling somewhat hollow and extremely uneasy. It gives me this uncomfortable, pressing feeling in my chest that won't go away and it makes me restless. Even cigarettes aren't helping very much, although I'm certainly glad I have them. Needless to say, I've been going through a ton of them lately. This whole thing is very distressing. I had to take a cigarette break just after writing this much.
Jenny can tell that something is obviously bothering me, but I told her I'm just stressed. Earlier tonight I was smoking in the garage for about the millionth time today and Jenny came out to get a Diet Coke. She said, "You've sure been smoking an awful lot lately. Are you sure you're ok?" I just told her that some stuff at work was really stressing me out. I don't know if she bought it though. She came over and gave me a kiss and asked me to please let her know if there was anything she could do for me. She started to go back into the house but stopped and said, "I'm worried about you, Chris. Please come to me if you need to talk." I didn't say anything...just nodded while taking a drag off my cigarette and kept looking at the ground. Then she told me she loves me and went inside. Ok, scratch what I said about not knowing if she bought it. She didn't buy it. She knows something's up, but I just don't want to tell her about it.
It's really eating at me. I thought writing about it might help, but it's not helping. Maybe I should go to a meeting or something, even though I really don't like going to meetings. I need to do something. I can't take much more of this. I'm not worried about slipping up and using or anything. I won't do that. I've come way too far for that, and I have too much going for me to fuck up like that. There's way too much at stake. I'm confident that I won't cave and give in to the urges. At least I can say that much. I just want this to go away.
I'm thinking this might be some type of subconscious thing having to do with my upcoming sobriety date. I'll hit the four year mark in less than a month. Come to think of it, this started exactly a month before the four year date, give or take a day. There's a definite correlation there. It must have something to do with it. It has to be related to that, but I don't know how or why.
Fuck.
I need another cigarette.
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no subject
Date: 2011-02-08 03:50 pm (UTC)I wish I could offer more advice...
I hope you get through this.
no subject
Date: 2011-02-09 02:03 am (UTC)Thank you. I'll get through it. Hopefully sooner than later.