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Jenny. Jeremy.
Mar. 19th, 2012 07:04 pmI have felt so incredibly close to Jenny lately. I'm sure feeling better the past few days has had a lot to do with it, but it started before that. Pretty much right after we had that conversation about working things out. It seems like a really sudden change, I know. I went from saying what a "crazy bitch" she was (which I shouldn't say), to saying how happy I am with her. She has been so supportive of me through all the shit I've been going through, and so loving and caring. When we talked she said she realized she had been taking me for granted, which I think is true, but I've realized that I was also taking her for granted in some ways. It's important to remember how grateful you are for the person you're in love with. Even though things are great right now, we're most definitely still going to work on our relationship. I don't want this to just be a calm period. I'm still just as determined as I was before to work on our relationship, and so is she. I'm really glad that we made up and decided to work on things before Ella gets here. Having a newborn while not getting along would be horrible. As if having a baby isn't stressful enough. It's a good kind of stress though, if that makes sense. Don't get me wrong...if we were still having such bad relationship problems I'd still be just as happy about Ella, but the situation would be far from ideal. She'll be here in less than two months! Crazy. Time is flying now.
This is day three of feeling better! I still feel a bit down some of the time, but I just try to think of happy things and wait to talk about the bad stuff with my therapist. Well, I write some of it down sometimes. But I'm going to use that when I talk to her. I have another appointment tomorrow.
Possibly a little TMI, but my sex drive is finally back too. Which is good, because Jenny actually still has one. We should take advantage of that while we still can, because in a couple weeks I know it will change. Then there's the mandatory six sexless weeks (if not more) after the baby is born. So at least it came back before then.
I've been thinking about Jeremy a lot today. Not in a sad way, though. I've been feeling nostalgia, but not a ton of sadness. Some, but not a lot. It's nice to be able to think about him without getting all sad and depressed about it. I sure miss him though. But I always do. I always will. It was hard to go from being "the twins" to just being Chris. I mean, I was always me. But Jeremy was a part of my identity. He still is, but it's much different. I think losing that part of myself has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with. His death was the hardest thing I've ever gone through. But feeling like I lost a part of myself and trying to move past that has been so hard. I still need to work on it, and it has been almost 12 and a half years. But for a big chunk of that time I was still drinking and using, so I wasn't really dealing with it at all. Facing your problems is hard...especially when they're huge, life-changing things like that. I think the whole Jeremy thing is still one of my biggest issues. My biggest issue is facing feelings and trying to deal with them in a healthy way, but Jeremy's death is one of the hardest things for me to deal with. It's hard to face it. I've been reflecting on it. I'll probably write about that at some point in the near future.
That's all I've got for now.
This is day three of feeling better! I still feel a bit down some of the time, but I just try to think of happy things and wait to talk about the bad stuff with my therapist. Well, I write some of it down sometimes. But I'm going to use that when I talk to her. I have another appointment tomorrow.
Possibly a little TMI, but my sex drive is finally back too. Which is good, because Jenny actually still has one. We should take advantage of that while we still can, because in a couple weeks I know it will change. Then there's the mandatory six sexless weeks (if not more) after the baby is born. So at least it came back before then.
I've been thinking about Jeremy a lot today. Not in a sad way, though. I've been feeling nostalgia, but not a ton of sadness. Some, but not a lot. It's nice to be able to think about him without getting all sad and depressed about it. I sure miss him though. But I always do. I always will. It was hard to go from being "the twins" to just being Chris. I mean, I was always me. But Jeremy was a part of my identity. He still is, but it's much different. I think losing that part of myself has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with. His death was the hardest thing I've ever gone through. But feeling like I lost a part of myself and trying to move past that has been so hard. I still need to work on it, and it has been almost 12 and a half years. But for a big chunk of that time I was still drinking and using, so I wasn't really dealing with it at all. Facing your problems is hard...especially when they're huge, life-changing things like that. I think the whole Jeremy thing is still one of my biggest issues. My biggest issue is facing feelings and trying to deal with them in a healthy way, but Jeremy's death is one of the hardest things for me to deal with. It's hard to face it. I've been reflecting on it. I'll probably write about that at some point in the near future.
That's all I've got for now.
