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Aug. 11th, 2008 08:08 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
xxmadsenxxI broke up with Annie last night. Well, kind of. We're "on a break". When I said we needed to take a break her eyes teared up and she said "You don't want to be with me anymore?" My response was simply "I want to, but I can't right now." Then she cried...a lot. I felt really bad, but I just can't do this right now. I told her I'm just having a really hard time with things, and I need some space. She asked if I was breaking up with her because of Jenny, and I told her no..that I just realized I'm not ready right now. Which hurt her, I'm sure. She got mad at me and bitched about me not ending it earlier if I wasn't ready, rather than waiting until after the six month mark. I admit, I should have...but I WANTED to be with her. Deep down I knew that I wasn't ready for another relationship, but I pushed that away and stayed with her anyway. I love Annie. I really do. I just can't deal with all of this right now. I need to focus on myself for a while. Who knows if this is really just a "break" or if it's over. I guess time will tell. I just don't think everything that's going on right now is fair to Annie, and I don't want to hurt her more than I have to. I realize that I have already hurt her, and that I hurt her by ending things, but I didn't know what else to do.
I'm also somewhat concerned about my sobriety. I have been craving both alcohol and coke REALLY bad this week. I'm resisting, but it's difficult. Maybe I should go to meetings or something...although the 12 step program is not for me. It might help though. Who knows. When I get a really strong craving, I just think about my son and it helps ease the craving. Like I have said a million times...if I didn't have him, I'd still be using. But I can't do that to him...ESPECIALLY since I have custody of him. I don't want to lose that.
I don't know why I told Jenny this, but I told her about the "break" that Annie and I are taking. She seemed excited...surprise surprise. She acted like she felt sorry for me and all of that, but I think that's just what it was...an act. The tone of her voice said something different. I don't know why I ran to Jenny. Just what I'm used to I guess. I'm still her safety net, and sometimes I think that she's mine, too.
I feel like shit for hurting Annie and making her cry so much. I just don't know what else to do. :\ I really want to be with her, but I just can't. It's so hard not to have a drink right now. Thank God for cigarettes, right? But I should quit those too. Now is definitely not the time for that though.
Fuck.
I'm also somewhat concerned about my sobriety. I have been craving both alcohol and coke REALLY bad this week. I'm resisting, but it's difficult. Maybe I should go to meetings or something...although the 12 step program is not for me. It might help though. Who knows. When I get a really strong craving, I just think about my son and it helps ease the craving. Like I have said a million times...if I didn't have him, I'd still be using. But I can't do that to him...ESPECIALLY since I have custody of him. I don't want to lose that.
I don't know why I told Jenny this, but I told her about the "break" that Annie and I are taking. She seemed excited...surprise surprise. She acted like she felt sorry for me and all of that, but I think that's just what it was...an act. The tone of her voice said something different. I don't know why I ran to Jenny. Just what I'm used to I guess. I'm still her safety net, and sometimes I think that she's mine, too.
I feel like shit for hurting Annie and making her cry so much. I just don't know what else to do. :\ I really want to be with her, but I just can't. It's so hard not to have a drink right now. Thank God for cigarettes, right? But I should quit those too. Now is definitely not the time for that though.
Fuck.
