(no subject)

[xxmadsenxx]

I broke up with Annie last night. Well, kind of. We're "on a break". When I said we needed to take a break her eyes teared up and she said "You don't want to be with me anymore?" My response was simply "I want to, but I can't right now." Then she cried...a lot. I felt really bad, but I just can't do this right now. I told her I'm just having a really hard time with things, and I need some space. She asked if I was breaking up with her because of Jenny, and I told her no..that I just realized I'm not ready right now. Which hurt her, I'm sure. She got mad at me and bitched about me not ending it earlier if I wasn't ready, rather than waiting until after the six month mark. I admit, I should have...but I WANTED to be with her. Deep down I knew that I wasn't ready for another relationship, but I pushed that away and stayed with her anyway. I love Annie. I really do. I just can't deal with all of this right now. I need to focus on myself for a while. Who knows if this is really just a "break" or if it's over. I guess time will tell. I just don't think everything that's going on right now is fair to Annie, and I don't want to hurt her more than I have to. I realize that I have already hurt her, and that I hurt her by ending things, but I didn't know what else to do.

I'm also somewhat concerned about my sobriety. I have been craving both alcohol and coke REALLY bad this week. I'm resisting, but it's difficult. Maybe I should go to meetings or something...although the 12 step program is not for me. It might help though. Who knows. When I get a really strong craving, I just think about my son and it helps ease the craving. Like I have said a million times...if I didn't have him, I'd still be using. But I can't do that to him...ESPECIALLY since I have custody of him. I don't want to lose that.

I don't know why I told Jenny this, but I told her about the "break" that Annie and I are taking. She seemed excited...surprise surprise. She acted like she felt sorry for me and all of that, but I think that's just what it was...an act. The tone of her voice said something different. I don't know why I ran to Jenny. Just what I'm used to I guess. I'm still her safety net, and sometimes I think that she's mine, too.

I feel like shit for hurting Annie and making her cry so much. I just don't know what else to do. :\ I really want to be with her, but I just can't. It's so hard not to have a drink right now. Thank God for cigarettes, right? But I should quit those too. Now is definitely not the time for that though.

Fuck.

Comments

[iam-ahab.livejournal.com]

Obviously I don't know you, however simply from what I gather through reading your entries, IMHO, this was probably for the best. You don't seem like someone who should be in a relationship at all right now, with your addiction issues and Jenny (who is obviously a big part of your life in more ways than one), to state the obvious.

I just hope you don't do anything rash. You don't seem like you're in a good place right now. Is there anything apart from cocaine/alchohol and intimacy that could lift your spirits right now, without effecting yourself or anybody else? Music, your favourite TV shows or movies, books, a long drive or walk, etc?

Please take care. I'm sorry you're going through all of this. :( *Hugs*

[iam-ahab.livejournal.com]

alcohol*

Lol, sorry, I'm OCD about those things.

[xxmadsenxx.livejournal.com]

Yeah...I hope it was for the best. I still feel terrible about it though.

I won't do anything bad. I'm definitely not in a good place right now, but I still have control of myself. I'll try to think of something to do. Music might help.

[iam-ahab.livejournal.com]

Of course. There isn't much you can do now, though. I think you've fixed it to the best of your ability.

That's good. Like I said, take care.

[xxmadsenxx.livejournal.com]

Thank you. :)

[lovestohateyou.livejournal.com]

I have the same issues with the 12 step programs as you do. I've been through the steps and relapsed. For the last year, I've stayed sober and started writing an inventory but I'm not even bothering with praying anymore (i used to do it because someone told me to, but eventually I had to admit that I didn't have faith and it wasn't working for me), I hardly go to meetings and I'm not doing any step work. Most of the time I go to meetings and they annoy me. People annoy me. But SOMETIMES the meeting will just click for me and I'll think "Oh yeah..THAT'S why i'm doing this or that's what it was like" or whatever. Sometimes it just helps to remember where you come from and to hear other people struggling. One thing I do agree with in the program is helping others...the best way to get out of your own head is to help someone else. Maybe there will be a strung out street kid at the meeting that you could talk to...never know..it could help.

My point is...GO TO A MEETING! Even though you have your will and self control now, all it takes is a few minutes of your head saying "fuck it"

[redjmusic-bmi.livejournal.com]

You did the right thing for you, and Annie.
You really did.

[nowsheshines.livejournal.com]

I know how Annie feels, but at the same time.. if you guys are meant to be, then it will fall into place. I know you have to take care of yourself right now and that's very important. You can't be anything to Annie if you falter by yourself.

Now if only I could take my own advice there. :P *hugs*

[sariebeth88.livejournal.com]

You did the right thing. She does have a point that you maybe should have done it earlier but I feel like you didn't have so much confusion before as you do now.

Please...no running to Jenny. and PLEASE tell me you told her you were only going to talk to her 2X a week. You can't run to a user when you are struggling to stay clean!!! You know that mister! You need to be around sober people, even if that is everyone on here! We are all here for you, with no ulterior motives.

[xxmadsenxx.livejournal.com]

I know, I know...although I didn't tell her that yet. :\ I was upset so I forgot.

[redjmusic-bmi.livejournal.com]

agreed with Sariebeth.