Aug. 12th, 2008

xxmadsenxx: (Default)
I am so fucking depressed right now. I feel like absolute shit. I'm not a crier...but I feel the need to cry for some reason, but I don't even have it in me to do that. I just don't know what the fuck to do anymore. I'm sick of everything. Life is just too hard sometimes.

I'm starting to wonder if I made a mistake by breaking it off with Annie. I feel like I really need her right now...but then again, I always need someone or something when I feel like this. I'm not very good at dealing with shit on my own. I want nothing more than to call her and have her come sleep in my bed with me. I just want that closeness. I feel so empty and alone. I already want her back. :\

I have anxiety really bad right now too. That uncomfortable feeling in your chest. It fucking sucks, and I can't get rid of it. I just feel hopeless, empty and alone.

I feel like breaking down right now.
xxmadsenxx: (Default)
I think I'm going to go to a meeting tonight. I'll just drop Evan off at my mom's house or something. I need to go. I can't deal with all of this on my own.

Even my fucking face shows the stress...not to sound femme, but I usually have really clear skin and I woke up this morning to find a few not so clear spots. What the fuck? I never get zits, but I guess my skin hates me at the moment. I'm too old for this shit.

I wish I wasn't such a dependent person. I'm always dependent on something...whether it's another person, drugs, alcohol, you name it. I really want to call Annie, but I know that I shouldn't. After all, I am the one who ended things. I'm still thinking that may have been a mistake. I guess I just have some soul searching to do.

Jenny called today, but I didn't answer. That's step one, I guess.

I don't know how long this "break" with Annie should last. Meaning I don't know how much time to give it before I consider getting back into the relationship, assuming she'll take me back. But I think she will.
xxmadsenxx: (Default)
I'm a fucking idiot.

Annie and I were texting while we were at work, and she said she lost her Horrorpops CD. She loves them, haha. So I went and bought her another one, and I took it to her after work. Well, I somehow ended up kissing her. She didn't make the move though, I did. I didn't even think about it. After a minute I backed away and said "I can't do this right now. I'm sorry," and left. I feel kind of bad about that. I want to get back with her, but I can't. So I shouldn't be leading her on.

Ugh fuck.

I need to learn to think before I do things. I've never been very good at that, haha.

Also, Annie texted me a few hours ago and asked why I kissed her. She got upset because my answer was "I don't know." That's the truth though. I don't know why I did it. I just did it without thinking.
xxmadsenxx: (Default)
Jenny has visitation tomorrow. Should I go or not?


xxmadsenxx: (Default)

April 2013


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