(no subject)

Justin and I are going to go see her together in a little while. I know some of you may think this is a bad idea, but I feel better about it with him going. That way nothing can happen between Jenny and me.

I can't just NOT visit her though. :\

I'll write about how it went later.

Torn

The visitation thing went just fine. Well, she made one TINY move on me when we were sitting at a table. She put her hand underneath the table and on my thigh, and she was rubbing my leg. I moved her hand away. I think she would have done more if it was just me and her, and Justin wasn't there. I'm glad he was there. It definitely would have been a bad idea to go on my own.

It was good to see her though. She seems to be doing a bit better. She's obviously still fucked up (mentally), but she seems like she's getting better. It will take time, but hopefully she's on her way to recovery and will stay on the path to recovery.

After we left, during her "phone time", she texted me and asked if I would ever take her back. My answer should have been "no"...but I said "I don't know. We'll talk when you get out of rehab."

I don't know what I want. :\ I want her, but at the same time I want to go back to Annie. I know that Annie is probably a better choice, but I don't know. Like I said before, I'm still so drawn to Jenny.

I know you all will think I'm an idiot for even thinking about being with her again, but part of me wants to see if it would work. I just don't really want to do that to Justin. :\ In an email she wrote, she said that leaving me/our divorce was the biggest mistake she has ever made in her life, and she would do anything to change it if she could. Whether that's true or not, I don't know. We'll see. I know Annie would be HEARTBROKEN if I got back with Jenny. I don't want to do that to her.

I just need to do a lot of thinking. I wish I wasn't so dependent on relationships. I feel like I need someone, and like I can't be by myself if I'm sober. I know that's not true, and that I CAN do it, but sometimes I feel like I can't. I just need someone there.

I feel guilty about having feelings for two girls at the same time, but I don't know what to do about it. I can't help it.

Ugh.

Anyway, I did take some advice from you guys...I told her that she needs to lay off a little bit with the calling and the texting. She seemed kind of bugged by that, but she agreed to cut back.

(no subject)

Annie sent out an email survey. I guess she was bored at work. It's one where you use lyrics to answer questions. Some of it is kinda funny, and some of it is sad. Here's a little bit of what she wrote that is relevant to what I write about here.

( This is kind of funny and sad at the same time. )

(no subject)

Sorry for bitching about the same stuff all the time. This is just a good outlet for me, and all of the stuff I keep bitching about is what's on my mind. :\

(no subject)

I wish I was a polygamist so I could have them both. That would solve all my problems. Hahaha. Just kidding.