Cokehead at the gas station

[xxmadsenxx]

I went to the gas station to buy a pack of cigarettes, and I saw this guy who was coked up out of his mind. When you were addicted to cocaine for a long time, you can usually tell the difference between someone who's on coke, crack (even though that's technically still cocaine) and meth very easily. I could tell by his appearance, his mannerisms, little movements he made, the way he talked...everything. He smelled like vodka, too. I just kept thinking, "Damn, I hope I didn't look that bad or at least come off like that back when I was doing the same thing." I probably did though, and that's kind of depressing and embarrassing at the same time. Pictures of me from back then are bad enough...so I'd hate to see what I looked like in person and how I moved, acted, talked, all of that back in the day.

A lot of the time when I see someone on coke, it bothers me and/or makes me crave it. I guess it did bother me this time, but not in the same way. I didn't crave it. I didn't crave it because he looked like shit and acted completely coked out. Not in a fun coked out way...in a bad, way too coked out way.

As much as I struggle with it sometimes, I am so glad I don't do that shit anymore.

Comments

[midnight21.livejournal.com]

you are a very strong person to avoid cravings like that. I am proud of you! Of course tonight i gave in and bought a pizza... I had a craving.

[xxmadsenxx.livejournal.com]

I can't avoid cravings. I can resist cravings. There's a difference. Cravings happen sometimes whether I like it or not. But seeing this guy just made coke seem really unappealing. But thank you. Haha pizza cravings need to be satisfied sometimes! Better to crave pizza than something worse.

[xxmadsenxx.livejournal.com]

I didn't mean to sound short there, if that's how it came across. I'm just saying that I can't avoid cravings. Sometimes they just can't be avoided. That's a fact of life for me. I just choose not to act on them.

[xxmadsenxx.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it was bad. He had the darting eyes and the jaw thing going on, and he kept fucking with his nose. He couldn't keep still, either. He kept nervously tapping his fingers really fast on the counter. Some people are more obvious than others. It's true though, sometimes you think you're fine and people can't tell when they really can. I know I hid it well sometimes, but I also know it was blatantly obvious sometimes. I just hope it was never as bad as that guy! He had really shifty eyes. It was kind of creepy.

[xxmadsenxx.livejournal.com]

I agree. Plus they can't really relate if they've never been there. Not every drug counselor has to be a former full blown addict to be a good counselor, but I think they should at least have some experience with using drugs. You can't get everything out of a textbook. I actually got in trouble at one of my many rehab programs once. This counselor guy was spewing out this generalized bullshit, and I said, "You don't know shit, except for what your textbook tells you." He wasn't happy about that lol. Do you think some of those ADHD people are just taking too much of it? Because a lot of ADHD people I know calm down when they take stimulants.

[xxmadsenxx.livejournal.com]

I have ADHD, and stuff like Adderall calms me down unless I take a high dosage of it. Coke would even calm me down sometimes. Not when I did a bunch of it, but sometimes it worked.

[xxmadsenxx.livejournal.com]

I'm not super hyperactive though. Not usually.

[xxmadsenxx.livejournal.com]

I think most addicts are master manipulators. After a while you just kind of have to learn to be. Haha I wonder what they'd do if you asked them if you could have some. Something tells me that would be a really bad idea. Drugs do everything, so it always fucks with you. But yeah, someone can't know what it's like unless they've been there. I think addicts are more likely to trust someone and take them seriously if they've had personal experience with drugs.

Oh, ok. That makes sense. Strattera sucks. It didn't work for me and made me fucking miserable. I have actually never heard anything good about Strattera. It seems like a lot of former crackheads and tweakers are kind of perma-fried.

[xxmadsenxx.livejournal.com]

Tweakers are the worst though, by far. They look scary and act crazy.

[thetar.livejournal.com]

i think a lot of people are happy your down with that shit.
and personally i like to laugh crack heads. is that bad of me?

[xxmadsenxx.livejournal.com]

Haha no, it's not bad. They can be funny, and certainly amusing. But there's a difference between cokeheads and crackheads! A slight difference, but still a difference haha. And tweakers? They're just bad.

Yes, a lot of people are very happy that I'm done with it. :)

[xxmadsenxx.livejournal.com]

I meant entertaining. But amusing works too.

[memoryseason.livejournal.com]

I know a what you mean about those sorts of cravings. I don't know if I feel sometimes is similar to yours but I sometimes...I don't know miss the feeling? Drugs was my easy escape from sometimes and I chickened out from my problems but now I don't do it anymore I face some crap straight on and it really sucks sometimes.

But like you I am glad that I don't touch that shit anymore either :)

I hope things get better for you. I really mean it.

[xxmadsenxx.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I know what you mean. I definitely miss the feeling. And drugs and alcohol were my escape, too. For years and years. Blocking out a problem with drugs is a hell of a lot easier than facing your problems head on.

I'm glad you don't touch any of that stuff anymore either!

Thanks. :) Things will be fine.

[memoryseason.livejournal.com]

Want to talk to someone about these things, you can come to me anytime. I know that sometimes I would like to talk to some people but it's frustrating when they have no clue or hint of what I am feeling or they don't understand because it is something you have to have to experience to be able t explain it.

[xxmadsenxx.livejournal.com]

Thank you, I appreciate it. The same goes for you! It helps to have people to relate to. People who haven't been through it can sympathize, but they can't empathize. You can't really understand unless you've been there. You most definitely have to experience it in order to explain it and understand it. So yeah, if you ever need to talk about that kind of stuff, I'm more than happy to listen and at least try to help. Keyword: "try" haha.

[lightsabove.livejournal.com]

You probably did look that bad.
BUT There are people who do it and no looks have change.
Maybe they have lots of money, lol.

Anyway, ...seems like a weird day out lol

[xxmadsenxx.livejournal.com]

I think I probably looked about that bad during my worst times, but the rest of the time I looked pretty normal. At least that's what I've been told. But I was just so used to doing it all the time that it didn't phase me, so I didn't really look any different. But when it was really REALLY bad I'd look like I haven't slept in a few days.

What would the money part have to do with it? Because they're doing coke over crack? Crack is wack haha. Fuck that shit. Even if I didn't have the money, I'd get it and spend it all on powder cocaine. Seriously, fuck crack. Cocaine habits get to be expensive as hell. I'm afraid to try to add up how much money I've spent on it since I first started haha. But any, my point is that coke is better, and I think cokeheads tend to look better than crackheads. Usually, not always.

It was strange, but interesting. Plus it was nice to actually get out of the house, even if it was just a short trip to the gas station less than five minutes away.