xxmadsenxx

Ella started saying "Mama" tonight! It wasn't just baby babble and she did it like three times, looking at Jenny each time. Evan started talking at six months too, but his first word was "Dada," which I was pretty happy about. But I'm glad Ella said "Mama" first, because I think Jenny needs something like that right now. After we put both kids to bed, Jenny said that hearing Ella say her name first made her feel  important and validated and loved. Then she said, "I really need to snap myself out of this, for them (the kids)." She needs to want to change for herself, too, though. But hey, it's a good start. She said she had one of those "Oprah aha moments." Haha.
But yeah, we talked for a little while and then she went to bed early. She was really calm, and she got teary-eyed a few times. She apologized to me for everything again and said she doesn't want life to be like this anymore and she wants to fix it. I was really happy to hear that. At least she's starting to think about and analyze things. So I feel hopeful. Hopefully we'll get more answers this week, too, starting with her therapist appointment tomorrow.

GOD, I hate the way my phone formats shit! It always adds extra blank lines where I only want one. But if you try to edit an entry from your phone, I swear it just fucks it up more. I wanted to take the picture of Ella from my entry yesterday out from under the cut so I could just scroll through and see her instead of clicking. I tried changing it on my phone but in actuality didn't do anything...I didn't click anything other than "Edit" and then closed it. So I get on the computer and the picture isn't under a cut anymore, which is what I wanted, but there were like...inches worth of extra lines everywhere. W...T...F...it's annoying. It's a pain in the ass to have to edit the spaces out on the computer, which I usually do because they drive me crazy. Anyway...

I'm feeling really depressed again and I guess it's not transparent, though I'd like it to be. In Jenny's warped mind, it means I'm not happy she's home, because I'm being kind of distant and I'm depressed. Right. Because everything I think, feel, or do revolves around Jenny...or at least she'd like that to be the case. I guess it is sometimes though, not that I want it to be. I've been putting on a happy face the past week and a half, and I can only fake it for so long. I'm doing my best to be supportive and to be patient with Jenny, but fuck...I can only do so much, and I've been doing A LOT.

Jenny always tries to be super sweet and supportive of me at this time of year because she knows what I'm going through. But this year I don't know what the fuck to expect. 

I'm just grumpy as fuck today.

They have come to a conclusion about what's going on with Jenny. They're saying it was a depressive psychotic episode and believe it was brought on by her initial postpartum depression. What's usually known as postpartum psychosis (the manic acute kind) tends to happen way sooner after the baby is born. Postpartum depression can start anywhere from delivery until up until a year after, but it usually starts within the first three months. Jenny's started at about six weeks and started getting worse about a month after that. So the timeline of the psychotic episode separates it from acute manic type. Well, the timeline, symptoms, and severity. Hers is a much better kind to have (if you have to have one) than the acute polymorphic mania type. (I'm pretty sure that's what they called the really bad kind that happens shortly after birth.) Even though they believe postpartum depression brought it on, they're not diagnosing it postpartum psychosis pretty much just because of all that stuff I just said. If I didn't make much sense and was really repetitive, I'm sorry. It has been a LONG day, but I'll get to that I n a minute. For now, back to the explanation. It was a depressive psychotic episode, but she does NOT have Psychotic Major Depression. That's an entirely different condition, which is basically exactly what it sounds like...major depression with psychosis included as a symptom of the disorder. Jenny's psychotic episode was a single isolated depressive episode; not part of a psychotic disorder. THANK GOD. The depression and occasional dissociation she has because of BPD most likely have played into the postpartum depression and kinda mixed together to form its own special little (well obviously not little lol) depressive episode, which eventually just made her snap. So that's the theory. But they said her prognosis is good and they believe it was a one-time thing. I was SO happy to hear that news.

So poor Jenny was sick to her stomach all day. That's a huge understatement. She was violently ill all day. She kept vomiting when she had nothing left to vomit up but water and stomach acid or bile or whatever the fuck it is. It looked like all water once the rest of her stomach contents had very obviously exited her body. Sorry if TMI...I know it's gross. The anti-nausea meds they gave her weren't working at all. She got so dehydrated from throwing up much that she fainted a few times. It's the exact same reason why she had to go to the hospital multiple times while she was pregnant. She has orthostatic hypotension problems as it is, but dehydration makes it way worse. So when she gets so dehydrated from being so violently ill for so long, it will happen even when she's not standing or sitting up. But at least they FINALLY got her to stop throwing up before then. (Dehydration drops your blood pressure, aka causes hypotension...I forgot to mention that.) But by the time she stopped vomiting for good, even when she was back in bed lying down she fainted a couple times, meaning she was severely dehydrated by that point since she still wavered out of consciousness while lying down. So they had to hook her up to an IV and pump her full of fluids. Not just a saline drip, either...some liquid with a ton of electrolytes in it, because if you're that dehydrated and have been throwing up THAT much, just simple rehydration isn't enough. They have to restore your body's electrolytes. Jenny and I kinda know the drill with that stuff, because it ends up happening a few times every pregnancy. It has only been THIS bad like twice before though. She always has to get an IV drip, but it's rarely to the point where she can't even stay conscious lying down. Maybe this will remind her of the main reason she said she doesn't ever want to go through another pregnancy so we can put that matter to rest haha. No but seriously, I felt so bad for her. It was scary too, because I didn't know if it would be different or more serious if it was a reaction to a drug. I seriously just felt so bad though. I mean...she already has to be there against her will, and now she has to go through this too? It fucking sucks. I was there the entire day, from the time we talked to them and got the diagnosis and release date, through the allergic reaction and then through the hours and hours of sickness, then sat there for hours next to her after it all stopped and she had the IV drip going. I'm sure she'll have it all night. But I finally left when she fell asleep.

Sorry, I know this was insanely long. I wanted to let you guys know they figured it out and that she'll be coming home soon. But then there was all that other stuff too. :\

I know my phone throws in extra lines between lines, sorry. I'll edit those out on the computer tomorrow. I'm too tired to care. And ignore whatever typos or autocorrect fuck ups there may be. Once again...too tired to care. My mom has the kids for the whole night and I'm glad, because I REALLY need sleep. I was at the hospital for 13 fucking hours. I desperately need a full night's sleep without interruptions like getting up with the baby. So I'm going to go pass the fuck out for the night. I'll catch up with you guys tomorrow. Today was just too crazy and right now I'm too tired to do anything other than let my head hit the pillow.

I think I'm starting to feel better. I know it will hit again hard at the end of the month, because that always happens at the end of October and beginning of November. But for right now I think I'm starting to feel a bit better. I finally have somewhat of a sex drive again. It's not back to normal (which means a major sex drive rivaling that of an 18-year-old boy lol) but it's a lot better. I went home for lunch today, and spent it having sex with Jenny instead of having lunch haha. That's the best kind of lunch break. For sureTonight we're having Date Night. I wish I could just have my mom take the kids for the whole night, but it's a school night. We prefer Evan to stay home on school nights. I think it's best for kids to stick to a certain routine. It's just easier for everyone that way. But she's watching them until right before Evan's bed time (9ish) so at least that gives us time for more than dinner. I'm hoping to spend the rest of the time in bed with Jenny haha. But we'll see!

Oh, I forgot to mention this before. Ella appears to be allergic to penicillin. She broke out in hives on Friday on her forehead, a little across her nose and cheeks, and on the back of her neck and the very top of her back. We couldn't figure out what caused it, but they went away as quickly as they came on. So we figured she was fine. She was acting perfectly happy. Then it happened again yesterday, but worse this time. It happened while I was at work. So Jenny took her to the doctor and the doctor said she thinks it must have been the Amoxicillin she was on. I wonder why it took a few days for her to have a reaction to it. I would've thought it would cause a reaction much sooner, but the doctor said that sometimes there's a delayed reaction to allergens. She started taking the Amoxicillin on Tuesday and didn't have any signs of an allergic reaction until Friday, then not again until yesterday. Weird. I need to read up on medication allergies. At least it was a mild allergic reaction and not really serious like anaphylaxis or something. Jenny is allergic to Augmentin, but not to any other antibiotics. She's fine with Amoxicillin, penicillin, and all of those. It's pretty scary to know that your baby has an allergy like that, because it could potentially be really dangerous. So I'm really glad she's ok.

Edit: Oh wow, poor little Ella's hives are really bad now. I guess they have been since late last night but I didn't see the extent of it because Jenny got her ready for bed last night, and this morning before I went to work she was wearing pajamas that covered her all up. Our morning routine is that I get Evan ready for school and drop him off on my way to work, and Jenny feeds Ella and stuff in the morning. Sometimes we switch and sometimes we mix it up. But I didn't change her this morning. Jenny did, so I didn't see. Ella has hives all over her body. They cover her from head to toe. Her cheeks are bright pink with big blotchy hives, and her whole body is seriously entirely consumed by red dots and blotches. Some of the blotches are surprisingly big. The doctor said it will probably take a few days to go away. Poor thing. They don't seem to be bothering her much though.

Oh good, Jenny is FINALLY ready to go. She takes so long to get ready. Now we'll only have like an hour of alone time after dinner. So maybe we'll just save the other stuff for tonight after the kids go to bed so we can have as long as we want to. Or maybe both haha. But ok, now it's seriously time to go.

I'm really tired and have been for a couple hours now. I'm even lying in bed. I've just been playing with my phone in bed for the past few hours. Jenny is asleep next to me, and she has been asleep for hours now. I have no reason to stay up. I'm not doing anything very interesting. I don't have anxiety or racing thoughts or anything like that that would make it hard to go to sleep. In fact, I'm not really thinking about anything at all. There's nothing on my mind at the moment. It's 3:30 in the morning. Usually when I'm awake this late it's because of the whole insomnia thing where I can't sleep because I'm wide awake. But tonight there have been periods of time where I have pretty much had to fight to keep my eyes open. I don't know why I'm fighting it.

Yeah, there's no way I'm going to work tomorrow. I'm not even going to work from home. Fuck it. I'm going to call in sick, just because I can. I really probably shouldn't, but I'm going to. I'm going to sleep until sometime in the afternoon. Well, I have to get up for a little while to help Evan get ready for school, but after that I'm going back to sleep. I'm going to ask Jenny to drive him. I'll be too groggy by then anyway, I'm sure.

This swipe texting thing is crazy. I hadn't really done it before now. I just wanted to try it. It's surprisingly accurate most of the time. Technology is crazy. It's pretty cool though. I kind of want to keep writing stuff so I can mess around with it because it amuses me and it's kinda fun, but I don't really have anything to say. Maybe I'll just go write notes to myself on my phone so I can keep amusing myself with this. I'm not sure what those notes would say, but I guess that doesn't really matter.

It really is stupid of me to force myself to stay awake for no reason. Oh well, whatever. I sleep better during the day anyway for some reason. I hardly ever sleep well at night. I think I might be a vampire. Not the sparkly kind though.

Ok, it's time for this pointless entry to be over.

I'm watching Long Island Medium, mostly because I can't find the remote. I'm sure it's close by somewhere, but I'm too lazy to look.

It just sucks. I miss him so much. Beware, you'll probably hear (read) a lot more about that subject this month.

I strayed away from the original topic of this post. Well, kind of. But yeah, I really wish there was some way I could talk to him.