(no subject)

[xxmadsenxx]

I've finally started catching up with you guys. I'm doing it slowly but surely.

Ella is doing so much better. Her eye infection is gone. We had to put eyedrops in her eyes twice a day for five days, which she HATED. Now she just has four and a half days of Amoxicillin left. She actually likes that. It's that pink liquid kind they give to kids and people who get their tonsils out. She doesn't object at all when we give it to her, so that makes it easy. I'm so glad she's almost better...for her sake and for mine and Jenny's.

So...Jenny and I finally had sex for the first time in I don't really know how long. I wasn't really that into it, and I think she could probably tell that I didn't really want to do it. I just did it because she was practically begging me to. I wish this total lack of a sex drive thing would go away. I kinda hope she won't want it again anytime soon. Wishful thinking, I'm sure. I feel bad for turning her down so much. She hasn't been trying as much lately, but she sure did this morning, so I just gave in. I have had periods of time where my sex drive was decreased, but NOTHING like this, and it has never lasted even close to this long. I felt obligated to have sex this morning. That's the reason I did it. I didn't want to. It's not just lack of a sex drive; sex is just completely unappealing to me right now. Instead of being fun and enjoyable it feels like a chore. It's really weird. Usually I'm the complete opposite of this.

I got told twice today that I need to gain weight. The first time was by Jenny this morning when we were lying in bed. It was right after we had sex and she was cuddled up to me. She said, "You've gotten really skinny, babe. You need to put some meat on those bones or you're going to look like a skeleton just in time for Halloween." Haha. I asked her how I'm supposed to do that if I'm supposed to be eating healthy. I haven't been eating healthy, by the way. Mostly because Jenny hasn't been either. At least she and Evan eat way healthier than I do on a regular basis though. But we also eat a lot of crap. Especially me. Anyway, she said I don't have to eat less if I eat healthy and that I could still eat junk, but to cut down on it and replace some of it with healthy food. She said she thinks it would help my energy level. I'm sure she's right. I have been eating even more crap since this depression started. Not more of it...less, actually. But it has been making up a larger proportion of my diet. When I'm depressed I eat less. Jenny is jealous of that haha. She does the opposite. I guess I hadn't really noticed that I'd lost more than a few pounds. I thought I'd lost 4 or 5 at the most. But nope, I've lost 12 in the past month. So now I'm down to 163. I'm 6'1" so that's not very much for my height. Plus on my frame it's way too skinny. I shouldn't go below 175. I need to gain that weight back.

We went to dinner at my mom's house tonight, and she also told me that I need to gain weight. She said I was starting to look too skinny and that she's worried about me. I told her she had nothing to worry about. She asked me what's going on with me. I told her that nothing is going on and I'm fine. She said I was lying. I told her I wasn't. She said, "I've been your mother a very long time, Chris. (She has always said that haha.) I know when you're lying, and you're lying right now. You're not fine. Please tell me what's going on." I told her again that I'm fine. She knew I wasn't going to say anything other than that, so she quit prying and dropped it.

It's kind of funny how people can comment on weight loss like that, but if I commented on their weight gain it wouldn't be ok. If Jenny or my mom or anyone really gained weight for whatever reason (other than having a baby, because they have to gain weight for that) and I said, "You're getting kinda fat. You need to lose the weight you've gained. Is everything ok with you?" I'd get killed lol. Especially by Jenny. I would never say that, but still...it's a double standard. I don't care that they told me to gain weight. It doesn't bother me. I know I need to anyway. I just find the double standard interesting.

Red Vines are so good. I love candy.

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