Band Days

Aug. 21st, 2012 10:11 pm
xxmadsenxx: (Default)
Sorry, I'm on a posting spree.

Sometimes I really, really, really fucking miss being in a band. I had so much fun playing in bands. Some of the funnest times of my life. There's just something about playing live in front of people. I still love playing guitar by myself or with friends, but playing in a band is so much different. I love the energy of playing live. I love the loudness. I just love all of it. I haven't played in a band in a long time now. Five-ish years. But it was so much fun.

There were some drawbacks though.

When I first started dating Jenny I was in two bands, and it made our relationship kind of difficult. One time I only saw her twice in over a month because I was touring around with my band. I think it was close to six weeks. That was before we were married, so we'd been together for less than a year...maybe only like six or seven months. I don't remember. But it was hard on both of us. Later on in our relationship it caused problems. Playing bars meant I was drunk all the time (not like that wasn't true most of the time regardless), and that caused problems. Me being away playing shows caused problems. Especially once Evan came around. When he was a baby that caused a lot of problems. When I had my last relapse I was touring with my band and fighting with Jenny over it. I'll admit, I was selfish. I didn't have my priorities straight. I put drinking, drugs, and my band first a lot of the time, and that's a huge part of the reason we got divorced. The drinking and drugs played a much bigger part than the band did, for sure. But the band had a role in our break up, because it contributed to the drinking, drugs, and fighting. We would have gotten divorced whether I was in a band or not. But it didn't help. It wasn't the fact that I was in a band that caused problems. Jenny liked it at first. It was just everything that came with it and the fact that I let it take up so much of my time and energy that caused problems. I could have and should have handled it differently. I know that now, but I'm much, much different now, and that's a really good thing.

It would be fun to be in a band again. I'd know how to handle things this time, and I don't think it would cause problems. But 1) I don't have time, 2) I don't think being around the bar scene is a very good idea for me, and 3) I feel kind of old for that...but I know plenty of people still play in bands when they're my age or older. At this point in my life, being in a band wouldn't be the greatest idea. There are parts of it I miss, but there are also parts of it I don't miss. I just get nostalgic sometimes, I guess.

Honestly, I don't think it would be the same sober. That doesn't necessarily mean that it wouldn't be as much fun, but it might mean that. There was so much alcohol and so many drugs. Drugs and alcohol were everywhere, and it was pretty fucking fantastic at the time. I got so much free alcohol, and so many free drugs. Coke was all over the place. And before Jenny, so many girls. Seriously, you want to get a lot of girls, join a band. Girls seem to be drawn to guys in bands. Granted, a good portion of those girls aren't the type of girls you'd really want a long-term relationship with, but some of them are. That's definitely not what I wanted out of it though. It was quantity over quality for me for a while, for sure. I wouldn't want that now if I was single. But when I was younger I fucking loved all the attention from girls.

That whole "sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll" thing really was a lot of fun. I prefer my life now though. I'd never trade what I have with Jenny and my kids for that old lifestyle. Yeah, I had fun, but so many bad things came along with it. I'd much rather be a sober family man than a constantly fucked up manwhore in a band haha.
xxmadsenxx: (Default)
I have been up for the past 20 hours or so. I can't sleep. I tried, but it's not going to happen. I realized that I hadn't written in this thing forever, and I thought it might help, so we'll see. Haha you guys probably don't even remember me.

Anyway...

I have fucked up. Royally.

Only click this if you really want to see how bad I fucked things up. Be prepared. It's long. I have four months of catching up to do. )
xxmadsenxx: (Default)
I talked to Jenny today. It went a lot better than I thought it would. Of course she was upset, and a little hurt that I'd been hiding things from her, but she wasn't mad at me at all. She was really understanding about everything. God, I love her.

So it's settled. My first day is tomorrow. But I got a head start today. I didn't even use anything to calm my nerves before talking to her. I'm pretty proud of myself for that. One day down, the rest of my life to go. I already feel so much better. Just making the decision to go through rehab and talking to her about it took a huge weight off my shoulders, and I'm beginning to feel much more optimistic about the whole thing. It just feels different this time around. Probably because now I have something that I know I need to get clean for. And I want to. I honestly want to this time. For good.

Wish me luck.
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Sometimes I think Jenny would be better off with her ex-husband. Yes, I realize that he's her ex-husband for a reason, but we started dating after they had been separated for about 9 months, right before she filed for divorce. There was a possibility of them getting back together. But first she wanted to make sure that she was doing the right thing by making it permanent and being with me instead. Which are the pretenses under which we had our first kiss. Right after that, she filed. Originally, I planned on steering clear and not even so much as kissing her until she filed for divorce, because even though they had been separated for nearly a year, something about it didn't feel right...she was still technically married, and I didn't want to fuck with that. But she was torn as to what to do, and was afraid to leave everything she knew (they had been together since she turned 16) for something that she wasn't sure about. She felt that the only way she could really be sure was if we kissed. I'm repeating myself a lot. I know that. Excuse me, I'm a bit off right now. But let's not get into that. Anyway, sometimes part of me thinks that maybe it never should have happened. That maybe they should have just worked things out...and I'm sure they could have. Don't get me wrong, I love her more than life itself, but I want what's best for her. And if I would have just stayed away like I had planned on doing, maybe things would have worked out for them, and she'd be better off. He can give her things that I'll never be able to give her...he's loaded, he's in law school, he could give her everything she could ever want...but she left that for some punk rocker drug addict/alcoholic. I don't want her to have to deal with this shit. I thought it was over and done with, because things were going so well for so long. But obviously that's not the case. Now I feel guilty for bringing her into all of this.

When I'm not in my current state of mind, I know that all the shit I just wrote isn't true. That I don't really think she'd be better off with him. If that were the case, she wouldn't have been so unhappy that she felt the need to divorce him. I know that she loves me, and that she'll stand by me through thick and thin without thinking twice about it. She lets me know how much she loves me every single day. I just feel really bad about it. I want the best for her...not this.

My dad put my mom through hell. He had uncontrollable (alcohol-induced) rages, he abused her and cheated on her, and he abandoned us. Just upped and left without a trace. Who knows if he's even still alive. But I swear to God, if I ever saw that mother fucker again, I'd beat him to a bloody pulp. And my dad was only an alcoholic...no drugs involved. I refuse to put my family through anything even remotely like that.

I really hope I can get clean and stay clean this time around. I have to. If not...I don't know what will happen. I don't even want to think about it. But I don't want that kind of life for my wife and my kids. I want the very best for them, and I can't give them that unless I get clean and stay that way.




I know all of my entries the past few days or so have been really repetitive, but I can't help it. It's all that's on my mind...it's consuming my life. I can't talk to Jenny about it (I need to...I just haven't yet), so this stupid online journal is the best outlet I have at the moment.
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This afternoon I went with my brother to my mom's house to talk to her about my relapse and going back into rehab. It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. It's a huge weight off my shoulders, that's for sure. She cried, which made me feel terrible, but I knew it would happen. She just told me what she's told me countless times before...that it kills her to see me doing this to myself, and she doesn't want to lose another son this way. I keep telling her that won't happen, but I know that it very well could if I don't do something to change it. I'm a bit apprehensive about the whole thing, because it hasn't worked in the past. It temporarily worked a few times, but not in the long run. My stubborn streak keeps saying that I can do it on my own, and that it would be better that way. But common sense tells me otherwise.

I need to start sometime this week. Although I haven't yet decided if I should do full-blown rehab (non-residential though), or just start going to meetings. Rehab would probably be a better bet. Well, I'm sure it would be. I fucking hate rehab. I know I need to go, but I hate it.

If you've been following my journal (which I wouldn't be surprised if you haven't...because I'm not very good at updating regularly most of the time), you can probably tell that my addiction has resurfaced pretty bad in the past few months. Maybe not...I haven't written many details in this thing. But lately, it's all I have to write about. Anyway, it's just getting worse and worse...yet again. A constant downward spiral. And the further down you go, the harder it is to climb out. Which is why I need to start a program NOW. Not in two weeks, not next month, but now. This week.

But before I can do that, I need to talk to Jenny. I'm afraid to though. I'm more than afraid. I'm scared to death. Like I said in the last one I wrote, she doesn't know about the pills. I drugged myself today before going over to my mom's house because I couldn't handle it, and I know I'll do the same before telling Jenny. I don't think I'll be able to do it if I don't have something to calm my nerves. That right there is pretty fucking pathetic. You shouldn't have to drug yourself in order to talk to the person you love about something really important. If that's not a sign of a serious problem, I don't know what is. It's not so much telling her about my decision to go to rehab that I'm worried about, because I know she'll support that whole heartedly. It's telling her about the pills, and how often I've been using. Telling her that I've been hiding things from her, and flat out lying about what I've been doing. I seriously cannot handle that shit. I get all worked up just thinking about it.

How do I break it to her? Just sit her down and tell her that I need to talk to her about something? I hate having to do this to her. Especially now that she's pregnant. But better now than after the baby comes.

Fuck.
xxmadsenxx: (Default)
Yesterday or the day before I wrote about how I've been clean for a while. That's a bunch of fucking bullshit. No coke, sure...but I'm lying to myself about being clean. I'm not. Clean means no alcohol, no pot. Smoking weed isn't a big problem for me. I'll do it occasionally, and Jenny doesn't have a problem with that, as long as I don't do it very often. But drinking...I can't stop. Today was the first day all week that I haven't been drunk. Earlier this week my friends and I drank for literally almost 4 days straight, only stopping to sleep. I know a lot of people will do that over holiday weekends, or during the summer...but it's not something you should be doing when you're an alcoholic and addict with a 4-year-old step-daughter and a baby on the way.

I don't know what to do. The sad thing is, the reason I came to this realization is because I got high with my brother a few hours ago and it got me thinking. Some of you know my history...for those of you that don't, I started partying and doing drugs at an early age. I've been to rehab four times (three times by age 21) and I've done AA twice. And I'm only 25. I don't know what else to do. Nothing seems to work. But I have to do something. I won't put my kids or my wife through the shit that I went through growing up. Granted, I would never abuse a woman or children, or do half of the things my dad did, but I don't want my kids to have to go through any of it. I just don't know how to stop it.

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