Just a long, repetitive, over-tired rant.

[xxmadsenxx]

Sometimes I think Jenny would be better off with her ex-husband. Yes, I realize that he's her ex-husband for a reason, but we started dating after they had been separated for about 9 months, right before she filed for divorce. There was a possibility of them getting back together. But first she wanted to make sure that she was doing the right thing by making it permanent and being with me instead. Which are the pretenses under which we had our first kiss. Right after that, she filed. Originally, I planned on steering clear and not even so much as kissing her until she filed for divorce, because even though they had been separated for nearly a year, something about it didn't feel right...she was still technically married, and I didn't want to fuck with that. But she was torn as to what to do, and was afraid to leave everything she knew (they had been together since she turned 16) for something that she wasn't sure about. She felt that the only way she could really be sure was if we kissed. I'm repeating myself a lot. I know that. Excuse me, I'm a bit off right now. But let's not get into that. Anyway, sometimes part of me thinks that maybe it never should have happened. That maybe they should have just worked things out...and I'm sure they could have. Don't get me wrong, I love her more than life itself, but I want what's best for her. And if I would have just stayed away like I had planned on doing, maybe things would have worked out for them, and she'd be better off. He can give her things that I'll never be able to give her...he's loaded, he's in law school, he could give her everything she could ever want...but she left that for some punk rocker drug addict/alcoholic. I don't want her to have to deal with this shit. I thought it was over and done with, because things were going so well for so long. But obviously that's not the case. Now I feel guilty for bringing her into all of this.

When I'm not in my current state of mind, I know that all the shit I just wrote isn't true. That I don't really think she'd be better off with him. If that were the case, she wouldn't have been so unhappy that she felt the need to divorce him. I know that she loves me, and that she'll stand by me through thick and thin without thinking twice about it. She lets me know how much she loves me every single day. I just feel really bad about it. I want the best for her...not this.

My dad put my mom through hell. He had uncontrollable (alcohol-induced) rages, he abused her and cheated on her, and he abandoned us. Just upped and left without a trace. Who knows if he's even still alive. But I swear to God, if I ever saw that mother fucker again, I'd beat him to a bloody pulp. And my dad was only an alcoholic...no drugs involved. I refuse to put my family through anything even remotely like that.

I really hope I can get clean and stay clean this time around. I have to. If not...I don't know what will happen. I don't even want to think about it. But I don't want that kind of life for my wife and my kids. I want the very best for them, and I can't give them that unless I get clean and stay that way.




I know all of my entries the past few days or so have been really repetitive, but I can't help it. It's all that's on my mind...it's consuming my life. I can't talk to Jenny about it (I need to...I just haven't yet), so this stupid online journal is the best outlet I have at the moment.

Comments

[donrufie.livejournal.com]

you're already far more than your father ever could have been (from the way I see things) if you know you need help and you're willing to get it. she obviously loves you as much as you love her, and things will be tough (they're always tough, right? lol) but if you do take the steps towards getting clean and telling her about it, then there can only be good things in your future <3
(I hope that made sense? i haven't been making sense lately)

[all-askew.livejournal.com]

you know, i've only just started reading your journal, but I'm going to offer the only advice I have, which is to please go to a meeting as soon as possible. don't think of aa as an "all-or-nothing" program that has no value if you don't follow the program religiously.

I'm coming up on 2 years sober and I was drinking oodles every single night until the night before I quit. aa made me feel better--it made me feel like I'm not some sort of fuck-up, but rather a person with a possibly fatal weakness, something like an allergy. I'm allergic to alcohol (and anything else that provides a pleasant self-obliteration), but instead of breaking out in hives, I become a sullen, suicidal blob when I use. aa might help you.

Plus it's free and you can go today if have the will to get a schedule. I'm sure your regional organization has a web page somewhere that you can google.

[xxmadsenxx.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I'm going to do more than just AA though.

[xxmadsenxx.livejournal.com]

Thanks guys.