I talked to my mom about rehab.
Jul. 7th, 2005 01:29 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
xxmadsenxxThis afternoon I went with my brother to my mom's house to talk to her about my relapse and going back into rehab. It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. It's a huge weight off my shoulders, that's for sure. She cried, which made me feel terrible, but I knew it would happen. She just told me what she's told me countless times before...that it kills her to see me doing this to myself, and she doesn't want to lose another son this way. I keep telling her that won't happen, but I know that it very well could if I don't do something to change it. I'm a bit apprehensive about the whole thing, because it hasn't worked in the past. It temporarily worked a few times, but not in the long run. My stubborn streak keeps saying that I can do it on my own, and that it would be better that way. But common sense tells me otherwise.
I need to start sometime this week. Although I haven't yet decided if I should do full-blown rehab (non-residential though), or just start going to meetings. Rehab would probably be a better bet. Well, I'm sure it would be. I fucking hate rehab. I know I need to go, but I hate it.
If you've been following my journal (which I wouldn't be surprised if you haven't...because I'm not very good at updating regularly most of the time), you can probably tell that my addiction has resurfaced pretty bad in the past few months. Maybe not...I haven't written many details in this thing. But lately, it's all I have to write about. Anyway, it's just getting worse and worse...yet again. A constant downward spiral. And the further down you go, the harder it is to climb out. Which is why I need to start a program NOW. Not in two weeks, not next month, but now. This week.
But before I can do that, I need to talk to Jenny. I'm afraid to though. I'm more than afraid. I'm scared to death. Like I said in the last one I wrote, she doesn't know about the pills. I drugged myself today before going over to my mom's house because I couldn't handle it, and I know I'll do the same before telling Jenny. I don't think I'll be able to do it if I don't have something to calm my nerves. That right there is pretty fucking pathetic. You shouldn't have to drug yourself in order to talk to the person you love about something really important. If that's not a sign of a serious problem, I don't know what is. It's not so much telling her about my decision to go to rehab that I'm worried about, because I know she'll support that whole heartedly. It's telling her about the pills, and how often I've been using. Telling her that I've been hiding things from her, and flat out lying about what I've been doing. I seriously cannot handle that shit. I get all worked up just thinking about it.
How do I break it to her? Just sit her down and tell her that I need to talk to her about something? I hate having to do this to her. Especially now that she's pregnant. But better now than after the baby comes.
Fuck.
I need to start sometime this week. Although I haven't yet decided if I should do full-blown rehab (non-residential though), or just start going to meetings. Rehab would probably be a better bet. Well, I'm sure it would be. I fucking hate rehab. I know I need to go, but I hate it.
If you've been following my journal (which I wouldn't be surprised if you haven't...because I'm not very good at updating regularly most of the time), you can probably tell that my addiction has resurfaced pretty bad in the past few months. Maybe not...I haven't written many details in this thing. But lately, it's all I have to write about. Anyway, it's just getting worse and worse...yet again. A constant downward spiral. And the further down you go, the harder it is to climb out. Which is why I need to start a program NOW. Not in two weeks, not next month, but now. This week.
But before I can do that, I need to talk to Jenny. I'm afraid to though. I'm more than afraid. I'm scared to death. Like I said in the last one I wrote, she doesn't know about the pills. I drugged myself today before going over to my mom's house because I couldn't handle it, and I know I'll do the same before telling Jenny. I don't think I'll be able to do it if I don't have something to calm my nerves. That right there is pretty fucking pathetic. You shouldn't have to drug yourself in order to talk to the person you love about something really important. If that's not a sign of a serious problem, I don't know what is. It's not so much telling her about my decision to go to rehab that I'm worried about, because I know she'll support that whole heartedly. It's telling her about the pills, and how often I've been using. Telling her that I've been hiding things from her, and flat out lying about what I've been doing. I seriously cannot handle that shit. I get all worked up just thinking about it.
How do I break it to her? Just sit her down and tell her that I need to talk to her about something? I hate having to do this to her. Especially now that she's pregnant. But better now than after the baby comes.
Fuck.
