I'm kidding myself.
Jul. 5th, 2005 03:26 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
xxmadsenxxYesterday or the day before I wrote about how I've been clean for a while. That's a bunch of fucking bullshit. No coke, sure...but I'm lying to myself about being clean. I'm not. Clean means no alcohol, no pot. Smoking weed isn't a big problem for me. I'll do it occasionally, and Jenny doesn't have a problem with that, as long as I don't do it very often. But drinking...I can't stop. Today was the first day all week that I haven't been drunk. Earlier this week my friends and I drank for literally almost 4 days straight, only stopping to sleep. I know a lot of people will do that over holiday weekends, or during the summer...but it's not something you should be doing when you're an alcoholic and addict with a 4-year-old step-daughter and a baby on the way.
I don't know what to do. The sad thing is, the reason I came to this realization is because I got high with my brother a few hours ago and it got me thinking. Some of you know my history...for those of you that don't, I started partying and doing drugs at an early age. I've been to rehab four times (three times by age 21) and I've done AA twice. And I'm only 25. I don't know what else to do. Nothing seems to work. But I have to do something. I won't put my kids or my wife through the shit that I went through growing up. Granted, I would never abuse a woman or children, or do half of the things my dad did, but I don't want my kids to have to go through any of it. I just don't know how to stop it.
I don't know what to do. The sad thing is, the reason I came to this realization is because I got high with my brother a few hours ago and it got me thinking. Some of you know my history...for those of you that don't, I started partying and doing drugs at an early age. I've been to rehab four times (three times by age 21) and I've done AA twice. And I'm only 25. I don't know what else to do. Nothing seems to work. But I have to do something. I won't put my kids or my wife through the shit that I went through growing up. Granted, I would never abuse a woman or children, or do half of the things my dad did, but I don't want my kids to have to go through any of it. I just don't know how to stop it.
