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I said I'd start writing back and reading and all of that last night, but yesterday evening Evan got really sick to his stomach. I spent the night cleaning up vomit. That's one of the not so fun parts of having kids. He's really sick with stomach flu. Noro virus (however you spell it) is going around. So many people are getting it. It has been going around for three ir four weeks now. I'm pretty sure that's what Evan has, given how sick he is plus the fact that it's going around. Poor little guy...he just got over the normal flu, and now he has stomach flu. At least stomach bugs don't usually seem to last more than a couple days. Hopefully he'll be better by the weekend. I feel so bad for him. Throwing up sucks, but I remember thinking it was the worst thing ever as a kid. I know Evan thinks it is. He cries every time he throws up, which is a lot. I hate seeing him so miserable. He was crying and said, "Dad, make it stop! I don't want to throw up anymore." I felt so bad, because there's really nothing I can do. :\

 

So yeah...due to the fact that I have one very sick kid, I'll most likely be missing from here for another day or two, at least.

 

I feel really bad, because I absolutely HAVE to go to work tomorrow because I have meetings. I wish I could just stay home and take care of Evan. Oh well...at least he has Jenny. Taking care of a baby on top of a kid who has stomach flu is a pretty big workload, so I also feel bad leaving her to deal with that on her own. She'll be fine, but I still wish I could stay and help or just work from home so I could still be there. But no can do.

 

So yeah, I'll talk to you guys later. I hope all is well with you.

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It seems like the thing to do for the new year is write a list of resolutions and all of that. I'm sitting here watching How I Met Your Mother and I need something else to entertain me at the same time because I'm in major ADD mode right now and can't pay attention to just watching a show, so I'll do this instead. I don't know if all of these are really resolutions, but they're things I want for 2013.

- Make some changes at work. Things can't continue the way they are right now. I'm going to push for an assistant. I can't manage my own department and do 60% or more of the work "co-managing" another department. I'm sick of it. With a family to take care of it's just too much. Trying to pack in 60 hours of work in a 40 hour work week is draining. Plus it's taking me away from the youth center, which leads me to my next thing.

- Spend more time working at the youth center. I'm hardly there anymore, and I want that to change.

- Continue working on my relationship with Jenny. We have a long way to go. There's a lot of work to be done. We absolutely have to take therapy seriously and keep it up.

- Get married. That's already on the agenda though. Our wedding is less than three months away! Two months and twenty days. That's crazy. It's coming up so fast. We still have a lot to do to prepare for it, too. Planning a wedding takes a lot of time and a lot of work. Luckily Jenny has been doing the bulk of it. I wouldn't really know what to do anyway. But we still have a lot to do. It's a bit nerve-wracking, but I am SO excited for Jenny to be my wife. I can't wait. This time it's going to be a forever thing. I love her SO fucking much, so I couldn't be happier about marrying her.

- Continue working on myself. I think I need to start seeing my therapist at least semi-regularly again. There are some things I want to work on. In order for Jenny and I to successfully work on our relationship, we both need to work on ourselves. I do think she needs a lot more help than I do, and she has more issues to work on, but I need to do it too. I need to work on how I deal with stress; my reactivity to things; my temper...although that has gotten WAY better...I'm usually pretty patient and laid back, but I do lose my temper more than I'd like to. I usually don't take it out on people, but occasionally I do, and I need to fix that. I've gotten WAY better at expressing and dealing with my emotions and other people's emotions (especially Jenny's), but I still have a lot of work to do there.

- As always, maintain my sobriety. I'm almost to six years, so I feel pretty good about this one. It's a never-ending battle though. I just have to keep fighting the fight. But I feel good about it.

- Start eating at least a little bit healthier. I eat like absolute shit right now. I don't want to become a health nut or anything, but I need to eat better than I do.

- Quit smoking. Whether or not this will happen, I don't know. But I'd like to do it. I need my stress level to go down before I try to quit though.

- Figure out what the fuck I'm going to do about grad school. I need to at least make a plan. I don't want to wait too much longer.

- Start being more social. I still hang out with friends, but not as much as I'd like to. I just don't have time, and when I do have time, I'm too worn out from everything else. Once my workload decreases I should be able to get out more. So that needs to come first.

- Get back to playing guitar more often. I still play pretty regularly, but not as much as I'd like. I used to play all the time. Now it's just another one of those things where I don't have that much time. I don't know what it is, but I need to start playing more. I miss it. I don't even know how long it's been since the last time I wrote original music. Well, besides the occasional improv jam session. I haven't actually written anything of my own for a while though. I really enjoy doing that, so I need to start doing it again.

- Just have a happy year. I think 2013 will be a good year. It has to be better than last year. Ella's birth was obviously an amazing time, but other than that, last year kinda sucked.

I hope 2013 will be a really good year for all of you, too.
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I'm starting the new year out sick. I'm supposed to go back to work today, but that's not happening. I have a fever of 102.6 and my whole body hurts. Especially my head. I couldn't even sleep last night. Evan is sick too. He's happy about that though, because it means he doesn't have to go back to school yet haha. But yeah...I'm sick and it sucks. It seems like everyone has been getting sick lately. Even though I feel like shit, I'm ok with it right now because I really don't feel like going to work today anyway. For one thing, I'm insanely tired. But also, it's 11 degrees outside right now, so I have absolutely no desire to step foot outside. Fuck that.

 

New Year's Eve was fun. New Year's Day was not. Jenny was fine the past couple days and especially on NYE, but yesterday she kinda broke down again. I felt really bad for her. She was kinda hard to get along with yesterday, too. I know it was just because she was upset and feeling depressed, but yeah...she was definitely taking her mood out on me. She wasn't being mean or anything...just kind of bitchy. I let it slide though, given the reason behind the moodiness. I hope she won't act that way again today because I don't feel up to dealing with it. I wish there was something I could do to make everything better. I've been feeling pretty up and down since it happened, but it has been so hard on Jenny. I wonder how long it will take for this whole thing to stop having such an effect on her. Well, on both of us...but especially her. I just hope it will be sooner rather than later. Overall I think we're both doing pretty well though.

 

All Evan ever seems to want to watch when he's sick is Spongebob Squarepants. I'm going to try to go back to bed now...partially because I'm tired as hell, and partially because I don't feel like watching that show. It's my cue to leave. I don't hate that show or anything. Spongebob's voice and laugh are just one of the last things I want to hear while I have a splitting headache. So back to bed it is. I'll definitely catch up with you guys later since I'm not going to work today. I seriously need to sleep for a while first though. Bad.

 

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Happy New Year to all of you! Have a fun, safe one. If you're going to get drunk, take advantage of the free cab services or AAA's Tipsy Tow. Most cities have something like that for New Year's Eve. Just doing the whole "don't drink and drive" preach haha. But seriously. In a lot of cities nationwide, AAA will take your drunk asses AND your car home for free, whether you're a member or not. And lots of cab services do free rides. I'm sure getting through their phone lines would be a bitch, but hey...it's better than driving drunk. Obviously something a lot worse than a DUI could happen, but DUIs fucking suck...don't get one. Even if you have to pay for a cab, do it. It's a hell of a lot cheaper and way less of a pain in the ass, to say the very least. So yeah. There's my preachy NYE speech.

We're going to a friend's party. Jenny is feeling a lot better and is surprisingly in pretty good spirits today. Some of our friends have a big New Year's Eve party every year. It's kid-friendly too, so that's nice. There will be plenty of drunk people there, for sure. But not in an uncontrollable inappropriate for children way. I'm glad I'm to the point that being around alcohol and drunk people in a situation like that doesn't bother me. Not usually, anyway. At the very least, I'm almost always ok with it. I would never allow alcohol to be in my house, but in this situation I'm totally comfortable being around it. I think a lot of it has to do with the company. The people you're with and the way they act has a huge effect, I think. Social aspects like that have a major impact on stuff like that. At least for me. A lot of these people get drunk, but they're responsible about it. So it's ok. Plus there will be a shitload of food, a lot of it junk food, so I'm more than ok with that haha.

Anyway...things are going well. I'll update about stuff tomorrow or the next day. Now that the holidays are over and things are calming down with us as far as all the other stuff goes, I'll finally be able to stop being such a shitty LJ friend. I promise haha. I know I keep saying that, but I mean it for real this time.

Have a good New Year's!
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This entry is not important at all. I'm just procrastinating.

I need to do a shitload of Christmas shopping today, but I really don't want to. I hate shopping around the holidays. Especially this close to Christmas. I hate the crowds. I hate the lack of parking. I hate all of it. Every year I tell myself that I'm going to do all of my Christmas shopping early, but it never happens. Ever. Jenny and I did all the shopping for the kids together, but that's about all I've done, except for a few things for Jenny. I still have quite a bit more to get for her. I haven't even started buying for the rest of my family, B, or any friends. Ugh.

I'm working from home for half a day, then taking the rest of the day off to go shopping. I'd rather go to work all day. Seriously. I'd rather work overtime. Actually, I'd even rather shoot myself in the face. Oh well. That's what I get for waiting until the last minute. Guess when I'll do my wrapping? Probably Christmas Eve. Maybe some of it on the 23rd. Jenny has everything done...shopping, wrapping, all of that. I still haven't learned to do that though. I probably never will. Jenny and my mom both say waiting until the last minute like that is a guy thing. I actually do kind of agree with that. When you go to the mall a few days before Christmas, you see A LOT of guys. My sister is the same way though. She also waits until the last minute.

I love Christmas, but I hate everything leading up to it. I've been bitching about it lately, so Jenny called me a Scrooge. Whatever. Bah. Humbug! Seriously. I get called Scrooge pretty much every year lol. I just hate the holidays. I want a personal shopper to do all my shopping for me and someone to do all the wrapping so that I don't have to do anything.

Christmas shopping on like three or four hours of sleep is going to be fucking miserable. Ugggghhhh. I hate my life. Not really. Just today.
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I've been really busy the last few days, but I'll catch up with you guys today or tonight.

I just wanted to post this. I think it's been circling Facebook, so some of you may have read it already, but I just saw it since I'm one of the rare breeds who refuses to ever get a Facebook haha. My friend e-mailed it to me. It's definitely worth a read. Gun control is definitely something that needs to be addressed, but mental health and the lack of resources available to people is a huge issue that people often seem to overlook. It's just as important, if not more so, to address this. So yeah, this is worth the read:


"After Friday's horrific national tragedy. The slaughtering of 20 children and six adults at Sandy Hook Elementary School. It time to bring awareness to why these horrific tragedies are occurring. This never happen when I was growing up..WHY NOW?? A very interesting article...please take the time to read.

Follow:

Autism, Asperger's, Newtown Elementary School Shooting, Sandy Hook Elementary School Shooting, Blue Review, Connecticut Shooting, Liza Long, Mental Illness, Newtown School Shooting, Raising Children With Autism, Raising Boys, Parents News

Written by Liza Long, republished from The Blue Review

Friday’s horrific national tragedy -- the murder of 20 children and six adults at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut -- has ignited a new discussion on violence in America. In kitchens and coffee shops across the country, we tearfully debate the many faces of violence in America: gun culture, media violence, lack of mental health services, overt and covert wars abroad, religion, politics and the way we raise our children. Liza Long, a writer based in Boise, says it’s easy to talk about guns. But it’s time to talk about mental illness.

While every family's story of mental illness is different, and we may never know the whole of the Lanza's story, tales like this one need to be heard -- and families who live them deserve our help.

Three days before 20 year-old Adam Lanza killed his mother, then opened fire on a classroom full of Connecticut kindergartners, my 13-year old son Michael (name changed) missed his bus because he was wearing the wrong color pants.

“I can wear these pants,” he said, his tone increasingly belligerent, the black-hole pupils of his eyes swallowing the blue irises.

“They are navy blue,” I told him. “Your school’s dress code says black or khaki pants only.”

“They told me I could wear these,” he insisted. “You’re a stupid bitch. I can wear whatever pants I want to. This is America. I have rights!”

“You can’t wear whatever pants you want to,” I said, my tone affable, reasonable. “And you definitely cannot call me a stupid bitch. You’re grounded from electronics for the rest of the day. Now get in the car, and I will take you to school.”

I live with a son who is mentally ill. I love my son. But he terrifies me.

A few weeks ago, Michael pulled a knife and threatened to kill me and then himself after I asked him to return his overdue library books. His 7 and 9 year old siblings knew the safety plan -- they ran to the car and locked the doors before I even asked them to. I managed to get the knife from Michael, then methodically collected all the sharp objects in the house into a single Tupperware container that now travels with me. Through it all, he continued to scream insults at me and threaten to kill or hurt me.

That conflict ended with three burly police officers and a paramedic wrestling my son onto a gurney for an expensive ambulance ride to the local emergency room. The mental hospital didn’t have any beds that day, and Michael calmed down nicely in the ER, so they sent us home with a prescription for Zyprexa and a follow-up visit with a local pediatric psychiatrist.

We still don’t know what’s wrong with Michael. Autism spectrum, ADHD, Oppositional Defiant or Intermittent Explosive Disorder have all been tossed around at various meetings with probation officers and social workers and counselors and teachers and school administrators. He’s been on a slew of antipsychotic and mood altering pharmaceuticals, a Russian novel of behavioral plans. Nothing seems to work.

At the start of seventh grade, Michael was accepted to an accelerated program for highly gifted math and science students. His IQ is off the charts. When he’s in a good mood, he will gladly bend your ear on subjects ranging from Greek mythology to the differences between Einsteinian and Newtonian physics to Doctor Who. He’s in a good mood most of the time. But when he’s not, watch out. And it’s impossible to predict what will set him off.

Several weeks into his new junior high school, Michael began exhibiting increasingly odd and threatening behaviors at school. We decided to transfer him to the district’s most restrictive behavioral program, a contained school environment where children who can’t function in normal classrooms can access their right to free public babysitting from 7:30-1:50 Monday through Friday until they turn 18.

The morning of the pants incident, Michael continued to argue with me on the drive. He would occasionally apologize and seem remorseful. Right before we turned into his school parking lot, he said, “Look, Mom, I’m really sorry. Can I have video games back today?”

“No way,” I told him. “You cannot act the way you acted this morning and think you can get your electronic privileges back that quickly.”

His face turned cold, and his eyes were full of calculated rage. “Then I’m going to kill myself,” he said. “I’m going to jump out of this car right now and kill myself.”

That was it. After the knife incident, I told him that if he ever said those words again, I would take him straight to the mental hospital, no ifs, ands, or buts. I did not respond, except to pull the car into the opposite lane, turning left instead of right.
“Where are you taking me?” he said, suddenly worried. “Where are we going?”

“You know where we are going,” I replied.

“No! You can’t do that to me! You’re sending me to hell! You’re sending me straight to hell!”

I pulled up in front of the hospital, frantically waiving for one of the clinicians who happened to be standing outside. “Call the police,” I said. “Hurry.”

Michael was in a full-blown fit by then, screaming and hitting. I hugged him close so he couldn’t escape from the car. He bit me several times and repeatedly jabbed his elbows into my rib cage. I’m still stronger than he is, but I won’t be for much longer.
The police came quickly and carried my son screaming and kicking into the bowels of the hospital. I started to shake, and tears filled my eyes as I filled out the paperwork -- “Were there any difficulties with… at what age did your child… were there any problems with.. has your child ever experienced.. does your child have…”

At least we have health insurance now. I recently accepted a position with a local college, giving up my freelance career because when you have a kid like this, you need benefits. You’ll do anything for benefits. No individual insurance plan will cover this kind of thing.

For days, my son insisted that I was lying -- that I made the whole thing up so that I could get rid of him. The first day, when I called to check up on him, he said, “I hate you. And I’m going to get my revenge as soon as I get out of here.”

By day three, he was my calm, sweet boy again, all apologies and promises to get better. I’ve heard those promises for years. I don’t believe them anymore.

On the intake form, under the question, “What are your expectations for treatment?” I wrote, “I need help.”

And I do. This problem is too big for me to handle on my own. Sometimes there are no good options. So you just pray for grace and trust that in hindsight, it will all make sense.

I am sharing this story because I am Adam Lanza’s mother. I am Dylan Klebold’s and Eric Harris’s mother. I am James Holmes’s mother. I am Jared Loughner’s mother. I am Seung-Hui Cho’s mother. And these boys—and their mothers—need help. In the wake of another horrific national tragedy, it’s easy to talk about guns. But it’s time to talk about mental illness.

According to Mother Jones, since 1982, 61 mass murders involving firearms have occurred throughout the country. Of these, 43 of the killers were white males, and only one was a woman. Mother Jones focused on whether the killers obtained their guns legally (most did). But this highly visible sign of mental illness should lead us to consider how many people in the U.S. live in fear, like I do.

When I asked my son’s social worker about my options, he said that the only thing I could do was to get Michael charged with a crime. “If he’s back in the system, they’ll create a paper trail,” he said. “That’s the only way you’re ever going to get anything done. No one will pay attention to you unless you’ve got charges.”

I don’t believe my son belongs in jail. The chaotic environment exacerbates Michael’s sensitivity to sensory stimuli and doesn’t deal with the underlying pathology. But it seems like the United States is using prison as the solution of choice for mentally ill people. According to Human Rights Watch, the number of mentally ill inmates in U.S. prisons quadrupled from 2000 to 2006, and it continues to rise -- in fact, the rate of inmate mental illness is five times greater (56 percent) than in the non-incarcerated population.

With state-run treatment centers and hospitals shuttered, prison is now the last resort for the mentally ill -- Rikers Island, the LA County Jail and Cook County Jail in Illinois housed the nation’s largest treatment centers in 2011.

No one wants to send a 13-year old genius who loves Harry Potter and his snuggle animal collection to jail. But our society, with its stigma on mental illness and its broken healthcare system, does not provide us with other options. Then another tortured soul shoots up a fast food restaurant. A mall. A kindergarten classroom. And we wring our hands and say, “Something must be done.”

I agree that something must be done. It’s time for a meaningful, nation-wide conversation about mental health. That’s the only way our nation can ever truly heal.

God help me. God help Michael. God help us all."
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The news of the shooting at the elementary school in Newtown, Connecticut made me fucking sick. Going on a shooting rampage is bad enough, but killing innocent children? There is no fucking excuse for that. It's disgusting. My heart goes out to the families of the victims. I can't even imagine how much they're suffering right now. Those poor parents, and those poor, poor little kids. It's so tragic that 20 little kids lost their lives because of some crazy asshole who was mad at his mom, or whatever the fuck his deal was. I'm incredibly sad for the loss of the children's lives, as well as for the six adults who lost their lives. But I also feel really bad for the survivors. Kids shouldn't be exposed to shit like that, and now there are all these kids who witnessed a bunch of their classmates getting shot. Those poor kids must have been so scared, and now they have to live with that memory forever. Kids are so innocent at that age; they should be able to feel safe, and that was robbed of them. It just makes me SO fucking mad, and so incredibly sad. Needless to say, when I got home from work today I gave both of my kids the biggest hugs ever. Evan asked, "What was that for?" lol. I just told him it was just because I love him. I don't want him hearing about what happened. Kids just shouldn't have to be made aware of things like that at such a young age. It's beyond sad.

If there is a hell, I hope the motherfucker who shot all those kids burns in the deepest levels of it for eternity. Seriously.
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Wow...my kid isn't a spoiled brat at all lol. (Total sarcasm there.) He borrowed my phone, went into notepad, and wrote what he called his "complete list" haha. If he thinks he's getting every single thing on this list...well, he's not lol. Here it is, copied and pasted:

 

Evan's Christmas list

 

Wii u
Crayola light up drawing thing
Crayola air brush thing
Hary Potter legos I don't have yet
Star Wars legos I don't have yet
That new Lego game
Pirate legos
Sled with brakes
Mario party 9 game
Pirate pajamas
How to train your dragon movie
Pokemon black 2 for DS
Lego hellicopter
Ninjago legos I don't have
Spungbob legos
Lego star wars wii game. Not clone wars cuz I have it but a different one
Lego batman Wii game
Super smash bros brawl Wii game
Epic Mickey 2 game
Diary of a wimpy kid book 7
Star wars angry birds stuffed animals
Vtek dinosaurs
Green chucks
Pirate chucks I desined from you cuz you said.
Kid camera
Power rangers megazord
Nerf gun

 

Ask Santa what he's getting me and what he's not getting me you and mom can.

 

Oh, can we? Lol. Thanks for your permission, Ev. He's a bit greedy. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to remember every specific Lego set he already has. It's going to take some detective work. Maybe Jenny will know. Kids, man...

























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So...Jenny is pregnant. She took two tests.

 

Fuck, dude...

 

I don't really even know what to say right now. I'll write more about this later.

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Waking up at 5:30 on a Saturday whe n you don't have to get up early is just plain wrong. I'm not sure why I'm even posting this here, because that's really all I have to say.

 

For real, I'll catch up with you all this weekend.

 

Most pointless entry ever.

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Dude...so, Jenny wanted to order pizza. When the pizza guy came I opened the door. Jenny didn't want to be seen so she kinda stayed back, but he somehow got a glimpse of her. He looked at her lip and then gave me the dirtiest look, like I fucking beat her. Then he gave me yet another dirty look as he was leaving. I probably would have thought the same thing if I were him though...that is what it looks like. If I saw a woman with a busted lip trying to kinda hide back I would think that's what happened. And a woman with a busted lip holding a baby just makes it look even sadder. So yeah...I kinda hope we don't get the same pizza guy again, because he thinks I'm a wife beater. I'm sure we will though. Maybe he won't remember...hopefully. Yeah, I know he's some stranger we don't know, but still...I don't want people thinking that. Oh well.

 

It's most definitely going to be a weekend in haha. Not that our weekends are usually much different. That's what happens when you settle down with kids. But yeah...definitely a weekend in. At least we have a bunch of new movies to watch. We usually do grocery shopping together on the weekend, but I'll be doing that alone this weekend haha. Jenny refuses to be seen in public right now. And honestly, I'm ok with that...I don't want a bunch of random people giving me dirty looks like I beat her. And if people asked her what happened, come on..."I fell" is the biggest lie in the book when someone is actually abused. They wouldn't believe it, because it seriously looks like she got punched in the face...hard. When B first saw Jenny's lip he said, "Holy shit, dude. That is seriously one of the worst busted lips I've ever seen. Chris, man...people are going to think you beat the shit out of her!" Jenny promptly told him that wouldn't be a problem, because she won't be going out in public for a while. Jenny is self-conscious anyway, so she definitely doesn't want to go anywhere looking like that. Even Ella kinda stared at her lip haha. If a baby notices it you know it's bad. And Evan's reaction? "Mommy, WHAT HAPPENED?! What the HELL happened to your lip?!" He didn't get in trouble for swearing that time. Jenny just gave him one of those looks moms give when you do something bad. So he said, "Sorry. I meant heck." Haha. All moms give that same type of look, I swear. With a simple look you know they mean business. You get that look and know you'd better stop doing whatever it is you're doing. They don't even have to say a word. It's a mom talent, I guess. Shit, I get the same look from her sometimes haha. It works like a charm.

 

I keep trying not to crack jokes with words like "split" and "busted" but sometimes I can't help myself. I have trouble not making stupid jokes about things. It's one of my biggest Chandler-esque qualities, or so I've been told. I just can't refrain from doing it. Luckily Jenny is used to it, so she doesn't really care.

 

I am SO glad tomorrow is Friday!  I'm still so tired. I'm going to try to go to bed fairly early tonight. Who knows if that will actually happen or not, but I want it to.

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Jenny and I are both so accident prone it's ridiculous. This particular incident involved her though, not me for once. Early this morning she tripped and fell in the bathroom and busted her lip open. There was blood EVERYWHERE. She also has a little cut near her eyebrow and a little bruise on the top of her forehead. Her lip looks REALLY bad. I thought for sure she needed stitches. It looked really deep. I think she probably could have used a stitch in it, but Jenny is just as stubborn as I am and she refused. Luckily it healed over on its own and scabbed. It seriously looks really bad. The gash is huge, and she has a major fat lip. She looks like she got punched in the face. If we had gone to the hospital for stitches I guarantee they would have thought I hit her. Poor Jenny was super miserable today...bad cramps and a busted open lip. I felt bad for her. I stopped and bought her flowers after work to try to make her feel better. Obviously flowers don't do much for pain, but at least they made her happy.

 

Speaking of miserable, I'm going to be miserable tomorrow. It's 3:45 in the morning and I'm wide awake. I need to get up in less than three hours. So I guess I should say I'm going to be miserable today then, not tomorrow. Ugh. Thank God for caffeine. I have work stuff to write about, but I don't feel like it right now.

 

You know you swear too much when the first word that pops up on your phone when you type "fu" is "fuck" and "bullshit" is what comes up first when you type "bu" haha. Oh, and I just tried "sh" to see, and my phone changed it to "shitload" lol. Not shit, but shitload. Although "shit" and "shitty" popped up too, but "shitload" is what it auto-corrects to.

 

Now it's after 4:00. Ugh. I need to go attempt to sleep. I'm pretty sure it won't happen, but I guess it's worth a try.

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Being really stressed tends to make me think about drinking and/or using...typically both. I fucking hate it. Jenny can always tell when I start craving something. I don't even have to tell her. I was sitting at the kitchen table with my laptop doing work shit way past when I should have been working. As in like, two and a half hours ago. She came over and sat at the table with me and asked if I was ok. I told her I was just stressed. She just flat out asked, "What are you craving right now? Take a break and talk to me about it." I asked her how she could tell I was having cravings, and she said, "Your mannerisms. The way you've been running your hands through your hair. The amount of cigarette breaks. I know you very well, Chris. I can tell. Please just talk to me about it." I shut my laptop and said I needed a cigarette, but that she could come out with me if she wanted to and I'd start talking to her about it. She pointed out that my hand was shaking while I was smoking. That's something that tends to happen with cravings. Jenny said, "You need to talk to your boss. You're working too much and too hard and all this stress is taking a toll on you. It's not healthy. I know you don't want to feel the way you're feeling right now, and I hate seeing you struggle like this. Please talk to your boss and figure something out. You can't keep going like this." I know she's right. its not good for me physically or mentally. Every day after work I come home and work some more. I don't really eat until Jenny reminds me to or makes me something and brings it to me. My insomnia is even worse because of the stress. It gives me anxiety, and the anxiety is what leads to the cravings. My company took on another client which is why I'm SO fucking busy. This happened after I agreed to help manage this other department, or I never would have done it. Now both my departments are even busier, and I can't fucking handle it without getting super stressed. If they don't let me hire another person for my own department and make someone kind of an assistant of sorts...like a supervisor, I can't fucking do it anymore. I'm pretty sure I still have time to get out of the contract for this other department. I don't want to get out of it necessarily, but if some changes aren't made I'll have to. I can't keep cramming 60 hours worth of work into a 40 hour work week. I just can't. I used to get everything done in about 35 hours, which gave me enough time for the youth center. Now it's so hard to even find time for that,so I'm not there very much, and that's not ok with me. But feeling like shit and being stressed and tired all the time isn't ok with me either...especially if it's going to cause me to have cravings. I'm not ok with that. I already have enough on my plate with work, kids, Jenny, our relationship counseling, and now the holidays. It's just not ok. I'm on my phone right now and I just noticed while holding it that I'm still a little shaky. I also just realized that I've only eaten once today. That probably has something to do with it.

 

I'm going to talk to my boss tomorrow. Putting it off won't help anything. My boss loves me and she has always been really accommodating and helpful, so I'm sure she'll do whatever she can to fix things. Thinking about talking to her about it tomorrow is making me even more anxious though. Ugh. Wish me luck.

 

Tomorrow Jenny and I are having a date night, so regardless of how tomorrow goes I'm not working late. It's nice knowing that, at least. I'm looking forward to it. One-on-one time with Jenny is always nice, but I really need it tomorrow. She always manages to make me feel better. I'm so glad I have her. She has this way of just easing my mind. Yeah, we have some fucked up times and a lot of problems. But she's so loving and so caring and so supportive. I seriously don't know what I'd do without her. I'm still anxious and stressed right now, but I feel better than I did before I talked to her about it. Wow, I just realized that I'm hungry after not eating much today, and it's like Jenny read my mind. She just made me two grilled cheese sandwiches and brought me a Diet Coke. Sweet! I love that girl.

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Four-day weekends are the best. Aside from mine and Jenny's therapy appointment a few hours ago, I get to be lazy pretty much all day. Well, aside from taking care of the kids while Jenny shops. She did that before AND after our appointment. She and her friends are crazy. They do it every year. You couldn't pay me to go shopping today. No fucking way. I can't wait 'til Jenny gets home so I can have a nap. Ella is napping right now, and I'm a little bit jealous.

I'm going to my friend Jake's house tonight. I haven't seen him for a while, so it will be fun. A few of us are just going to hang out and play the New COD Black Ops 2 game. Who knows what else we'll do. Probably nothing. It's fun to just hang out though. It will be nice to get out of the house and go hang out with friends after the busy week I've had. Plus I haven't played that game yet, and I want to. Jenny bought it for me right when it came out, or I would have bought it myself. But she said I'm not allowed to have it until Christmas. Sad.

Our therapy appointment went really well. I don't really feel like going into detail about it. Mostly because I'm tired and lazy. I'm excited to be back in couple's therapy though.

Ella is officially seven months old today. That's fucking crazy. Babies grow up so fast, it's insane. Our wedding is four months from today. Thinking about that makes me kind of anxious. Not in a bad way...just anxious.

I plan on being lazy tomorrow. That gives me time to finish catching up with you guys. I'm going to sit on my ass doing practically nothing all day, and it's going to be fucking amazing.

I just heard the garage, which means Jenny is home. Sweet! That means it's nap time. Well, after I help her unload the probably gazillion things she bought. But after that. I love naps. I wish I could take one every day.
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Evan cracks me up. He gave us all some Thanksgiving commentary about turkey. For the record, even though Jenny and I don't eat meat, we don't preach it to Evan. We don't tell him he can't eat it, and we don't say that it's wrong or anything. If he wants to eat it, that's fine. Jenny and I just don't. He's had various kinds of meat before and said he doesn't like it. I think a lot of it is just that he's at an impressionable age, so he goes along with what Jenny and I do without really questioning it. Plus he's not really used to meat since we don't eat it, so there's a good chance he really doesn't like it. It's just how he's been raised. I'm the only vegetarian in my family, so of course there was a giant turkey at my mom's house. Anyway, Evan went on a little tangent about Thanksgiving and turkey at dinner today. It was pretty fucking funny. At least we all thought so. Maybe you had to be there, I don't know. But here's what he said:

"I don't think people should say 'Happy Turkey Day' on Thanksgiving, because I'm pretty sure turkeys aren't very happy about today. And they're not thankful about Thanksgiving, either. Why do we have a holiday about killing turkeys? Turkeys never did anything to people, so we shouldn't have a holiday for killing them. The Pilgrims and the Indians had dinner and so we kill turkeys and then have turkeys all over the place looking happy, but they're not happy. They're dead. Dead meat! Having a holiday about corn makes more sense than turkey. They didn't even eat turkey on the first Thanksgiving. They ate corn. So Happy Corn Day."

He formed his opinions about Thanksgiving completely on his own. He's quite an opinionated little first grader, and he's so matter-of-fact about things. I love it. The way he said the little "Dead meat!" thing was pretty cute and funny. The whole thing was.

So, needless to say, Evan didn't eat turkey lol.

PS: I'll go back to not being a shitty LJ friend soon. I have just been SO incredibly busy with work. Well, it has been a combination of being sick, taking care of sick kids, and being busy with work. The last couple weeks have just been a bit hectic. So yeah...sorry about that. I've been trying to keep up as much as I can. I'll be better about it soon though.
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It's fucking freezing. We have a foot of snow in our yard. Literally, 12". Fucking sucks. Evan LOVES it. I hate it. He's been outside playing in it all day. And guess who got to shovel it all? Me. Conveniently, the snowblower is out of gas, and I couldn't get out of the driveway to go get any without shoveling it. I am so over the snow already, and it's only November. Ugh.

On the plus side, all I have to do the rest of the day is sit around doing nothing. Oh, and eat a lot. For breakfast I had apple pie and pumpkin pie. Then later I had cake that's like, half cake and half cheesecake. All the weight I unintentionally lost should be back in no time at all at this rate haha. And we have a bunch of stuffed shells left over from Jenny's grandma's birthday party last night. Jenny's mom made them, so they're the same as the ones Jenny makes that are AMAZING. Now I want go to eat some. Hmmm...

Oh yeah, speaking of snow, according to Jenny I was mean to Ella haha. I wanted to show her snow, so I bundled her up and took her outside and stuck her hand in it. She hated it and cried. Smart girl. I knew she was a genius. She cried and pretty much yelled at me. Seriously...she's six and a half months old and she yelled at me. I got "DADA!!!!" mid-crying. I thought it was funny. Jenny thought it was sad. Evan said he was going to throw "a baby sized snowball" at Ella and I told him I'd whitewash him if he did. Jenny also said that was mean. I wouldn't really. I told him I was kidding, but that he'd better not. So he threw one at me instead.

No work tomorrow. Hell yes!

Things are still great with Jenny. She's doing so well. It's amazing how quickly she turned things around. She's trying really hard and it shows. I think she needed the Seroquel in addition to her other meds. Her psychiatrist said he doesn't think she'll need it forever, but wants her on it for at least the next six months. Now that she's a lot more stable we're going to start couple's therapy again. We need to be really diligent about it, just like she has to be with her own personal therapy. I have to say, I'm still a little afraid of getting married. Well, not afraid. Anxious. Today Jenny said, "I have so much planning and stuff to do! Our wedding is only four months and 12 days away!" I just thought, "Holy shit, that's soon." Instead I just kinda did the smile and nod thing and made some generalized comment like "Yeah, there's a lot to do" or something like that. It's going to be here before we know it. Crazy. Don't get me wrong, I'm really happy to be marrying her. I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life with anyone else. It just makes me a little nervous, and it's crazy that it's coming up so soon.

I really will catch up with you guys for real tonight.
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We got the first snow of the season today. Not just a little bit of snow, either. There's already a few inches, and it's going to snow tomorrow, too. Ugh. I fucking hate snow so much. SO much. I want to be a bear so I can hibernate all winter. It was 70 degrees outside a day or two ago, and now it's 31 degrees and we have snow. Fucking sucks.

Ella has been saying "Dada" a lot today. It's the cutest thing. There's no way I can not smile every time I hear it. Seriously, being a dad is the best thing ever.

I'm still pissed that my phone is cracked. I've had it for less than a month.

I mostly just wanted to bitch about snow before bed. It's midnight and I'm actually going to bed this early. How weird is that?

I'll catch up with you guys tomorrow.
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Legalized marijuana for recreational use in Colorado. Pretty fucking awesome. I don't smoke it anymore, but I still think it's a good thing. Way to take the first step, Colorado. I bet their population will increase at least a little bit now haha. I'm sure most of the influx will be young people. If I were to go to Colorado whether passing through or visiting for whatever reason, I think I'd actually strongly consider smoking while I was there. Except the reason I don't smoke weed isn't because of its illegality, so I guess that doesn't really make sense. Still though. Pretty fucking cool.

I told Evan he could stay up until midnight at the very latest, because he wanted to see who won. Luckily Mitt ended up conceding even though he wouldn't at first, and President Obama won early enough for Evan to see it. He's six...he doesn't really understand it. But he knows Jenny and I love Obama and hate Mitt Romney, so he goes along with us haha. It's cute. When they announced that Obama won, he started jumping up and down and running around and yelling, "Yes! Yes! Yes!" Lol. He's such a funny kid. Ella didn't give a shit, of course, seeing as how she's six months old. And my cat is a Republican. B was really excited that Obama won, too. I'm still glued to the TV. Oh, I made Ella do a little celebratory dance/air toss. She quite liked it, so I guess I can count that as her being happy about the election results.

I'm really happy that we kept the Senate, too. It's too bad the Republicans are still in control of the House, but we've got the Senate and the president...so we win. Hahaha.

I want celebration sex now. Too bad Jenny is asleep. Oh well, tonight is great already anyway.
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FUCK YES!!!!!!!!!

President Obama is still PRESIDENT fucking Obama!!!!!

I can't believe Romney won't concede. What a little bitch.

I can't wait to hear the President's speech.

You guys know I'm pretty sappy. I'm so sappy that it even seeped into my thoughts about Obama winning the election. I was just thinking about how his daughters were probably jumping up and down and hugging him, and how happy and excited Michelle would be, and how they'd be so excited and celebrating as a family. Shit...I'd jump up and down and hug him, too.
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Dude...I got like, 20 minutes of sleep last night. No exaggeration. It was for a really good reason for a while (birthday sex). But as soon as we were about to go to sleep, Ella decided to cry and cry and cry. I think she's teething again. She seriously cries at least 10x more than Evan did as a baby. That's not an exaggeration either. At least the colic is gone, but damn...it's always something. It's way better than it used to be when she was colicky. Now she only gets up like twice a night, and she doesn't stay up screaming forever. But last night she reverted back to that. I think it was her way of saying, "Happy birthday, Dad. Fuck you!" Not really. But it might as well have been.

I started writing this literally 12 or 13 hours ago. I forgot about it and left it here. Hahaha.

I love the newest Star Trek movie so fucking much. It's ridiculous. I have seen it probably two dozen times, and I love it just as much every time. I am thoroughly enjoying it right now as I type this. I can't wait for the next one. May 17th, 2013. Fuck, man! They're taking forever! This one came out in what, 2009? It sucks that it's taking so long, but at the same time, it's a good thing. They're taking their time instead of rushing a sequel like so many other movie franchises do. Quality over quantity. They're signed up for three (so two more) at the least, and I'm sure they'll all be fucking epic. As impatient as I am, I'm glad they're taking their time to make it really good. About ten minutes after I started watching this movie, Jenny walked in and said, "Seriously? This movie AGAIN?!" Lol. That right there is proof that I watch it quite a bit. It never gets old. Jenny likes it too, but she gives me shit for how much I like it and how many times I've watched it. I bought it the day it came out and watched it like four times that first week lol. She admits that it's good though. Plus she totally wants to fuck Chris Pine, so I know her little Kirk crush plays a part in her liking it. Hell, if I were a girl or into guys I'd fuck Kirk and Spock too. The modern ones, not so much the old ones. There's yet another thing that makes me sound completely gay. I'm fine with being the "gayest straight guy" people know though, and having a "quality" like Chandler. It's fabulous. I said that with a flick of the wrist in my mind.

The fact that I'm rambling about stupid shit shows that I'm tired. I'm tired, but not sleepy. I'm past the point of sleepy. I've been up for 36 hours now, and I'm wide-fucking-awake. Earlier today it sucked, but now I'm just fine. It's weird...lack of sleep is really shitty at first, but after a while it's almost enjoyable. I'm talkative as hell when I'm over-tired, which seems kinda strange. It should be the opposite. When I'm tired I should be less talkative. But nope. I think my ADHD kicks in even more once I get to the super sleep deprived state. Once I pass the 24 hour mark, I'm fucking pumped.

I'm in extreme ADHD mode now. I paid attention to the first 45 minutes of the movie, but now I'm not so much. So I think I'll watch it twice in a row. Take THAT, Jenny! You're marrying a Trekkie. Not really. I'm not, I swear. I just really fucking love this movie. She has called me a Trekkie a few times before though. Sometimes I'll jokingly go into Spock mode and talk about logic and all that shit just for shits and giggles (which reminds me, I haven't seen Austin Powers forever). She tries to break me and make me show emotion, but she can't. I'm THAT good.

Jeremy would've LOVED this shit. He always liked the series and I gave him shit for it, even though I liked it too. We pretended we were all cool doing the whole sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll thing, and then we'd sit at home and watch Star Trek lol. He was way more into it than I was. But we grew up on Next Generation. I've seen every Star Trek movie ever, but seriously...the newest one is my favorite. Jeremy would have LOVED it. If there's a heaven or some type of afterlife or whatever you want to call it, I hope he can watch movies and that he has watched this one plenty, because he'd be fucking thrilled.

Does that count as fandom? What is fandom, anyway? Talking about something you're a big fan of? Or is it more than that? Like if I were to write stories about Kirk and Spock fucking? Which I have absolutely no intention of doing, by the way. The DVD just skipped. Twice! It skipped a ton of shit. My life is so hard.

This is the type of entry I'd write if I was drunk...going on and on about some fairly pointless topic, like a nerdy movie. Drinking and lack of sleep are akin in that way. I'm pretty sure I can't get addicted to not sleeping, so it's all good. And it's not like I feel drunk. I just talk and talk and talk (which translates into typing and typing and typing) when I've been awake for a long stretch of time.

It's ok though...because like I was saying before, I'm not going to work tomorrow! I have to do a little bit of work from home, but only a tiny bit. Election coverage is my number one priority tomorrow (or I guess it's technically today). I think Obama's got it in the bag though.

I already said this, but all you Americans: GO VOTE!!!!!!!!!!

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