Trigger for B

[xxmadsenxx]

B had a triggering incident tonight. An old friend of his called him a few hours ago, fucked up out of his mind. He was wasted and on a lot of coke. This friend of his got in a fight with his girlfriend or something, and called B asking for a ride. B, being the nice kid that he is, agreed to pick him up. He asked me to go with him though, so I did. I'm glad he asked me to accompany him. I wouldn't really want him alone with this kid, especially with how fucked up he was. He's someone B used to do a bunch of drugs and drink a lot with. But B felt bad for him and didn't want to leave him stranded. Why he had to call B instead of someone else, I don't know. Maybe everyone else that friend hangs out with was too fucked up or something.

Anyway, B and I went to pick him up and take him home. I had only met this kid once before, and he was coked out that time, too. But not nearly as bad as he was this time. I can tell if someone's on coke instantly, even if they have only done a little bit. But even someone who can't easily tell when someone's on it would have been able to tell with him. His pupils were huge, he was extremely talkative, really fidgety, couldn't sit still, and kept sniffing a lot and messing with his nose. On top of that, he was really drunk. I hate being around people who are on coke. I can usually handle being around drunk people, but not people on coke. It would have bothered me a lot more if B wasn't there. But because he was there, I was thinking about him, and kind of pushed my own shit aside. It bothered me, yeah, but I didn't start craving it really bad or anything. I know I would have if I hadn't been so concerned about B.

I wish this kid would have called someone else, but I'm glad he didn't drive himself. He was WAY too fucked up to drive. Mostly because he was completely wasted, but he was high out of his mind on top of that. Most people can drive on coke just fine (at least in my experience...I know I can), but this kid was EXTREMELY fucked up. B and I are alike in so many ways, right down to our inability to say "no" to people, even when we know we should. We both feel the need to help people, even when it's not in our best interest. I knew B was going to go pick him up whether I agreed to go or not, so I figured it would be much better for him if I did go, especially since he asked me to.

We took the kid home, and almost immediately after he got out of the car, B started freaking out. Well, maybe freaking out isn't the right way to describe it. But he was very upset. I got out a cigarette for both of us, because we both needed it after that. Seeing that friend, especially in the fucked up state he was in, really bothered B. It brought up a lot of memories, and made him start craving coke and alcohol, but especially coke. He said the cravings weren't unbearable, but they were bad enough to upset him quite a bit. When we got home, we sat in the car and talked for a little while. Talked and chain smoked. He was upset but held it together for a while, but after a few minutes he broke down and started crying. I felt really bad for him. I know better than anybody how much it sucks to be in a situation like that, and how hard it is to deal with all the addiction shit and triggers and all of that, so I could definitely relate to him. I know how difficult it was for him. I hugged him, and he clung onto me and cried for a while. Then he said something that really touched me. I remember it word for word. He said, "Thank you so much, Chris. Not just for coming with me to pick him up, but for everything. I don't know what I'd do without you. You saved my life. If it weren't for you, I'd be out there doing the same shit he was doing, if not worse. There's no way I could stay clean without you. No way in hell. I owe you everything, man. You're the family I never had, and I really don't know what I'd do without you. I love you so much, and I really appreciate everything you do for me. You saved me." I just hugged him, told him I loved him too, and that I was also thankful for him, and then he cried a little more. Once he calmed down we went inside. We went in his room and hung out for a while. We talked a little bit, but we mostly just sat there halfway watching TV. I stayed with him until he was ready to go to sleep.

He said that in the future he's just not going to accept calls from that kid, even if he feels compelled to help him somehow. He said his "friend" kind of guilt tripped him into picking him up. He doesn't need people like that in his life, so I'm glad he realizes that. He said he just didn't know what else to do, since he did answer his call and knew this kid was stranded and fucked up out of his mind.

I hope B will be ok tomorrow. I checked on him a few minutes ago to make sure he was still ok, and he was asleep. I'm glad he was able to fall asleep. He needs it. He's trying SO hard, and he has been doing so well in every way possible. I'm really glad he trusts me as much as he does, and that we're so close. I'm happy that I'm able to help him. I have said this many times before, but he really has become part of the family. Our relationship is mostly a big brother/little brother type thing, but in some ways it's kind of like he's a son to me. I'm not old enough to have a kid his age, and I don't really feel like his parent, nor do I try to take on the parent role with him, but he's still like a son in some ways. I feel the need to protect him the way that I feel the need to protect Evan. Plus I provide him with guidance. I have to. He needs it. Not guidance in the parent way, really...except for the few rules I've set. I don't know how to explain it. But I'm really glad I can help him, and I feel lucky to have him in my life. He deserves the very best, so I'm happy that I'm able to help him out. He needs a support system, and a family who loves him and looks out for him. I'm glad that my family and I are able to give him that. It's not just me, Evan, and Jenny who consider him part of the family; my siblings, mom, grandma, etc. feel the same way about him. He really is a good kid. We're both lucky to have each other.

This whole thing will probably bug him at least a little bit for the next couple days, but I'm hoping it won't be too bad. I think tonight was the worst of it. He's a really strong person...he'll pull through it just fine. It just sucks that he was triggered like that.

Comments

[damedosbesos.livejournal.com]

B sounds like a really great kid. I'm glad that he had someone like you in his life. You are really awesome for pulling him in & accepting him the way you do. That's awesome beyond words can describe. I'm glad that grew trusts you so much & is so willing to come to you as a shoulder to lean on.

[xxmadsenxx.livejournal.com]

Thank you. :) He is a great kid. I'm really glad I'm able to help him.

[beautyizdead.livejournal.com]

How do you get a craving seeing someone so sick on drugs and alcohol? I don't drink or do drugs so this is why I am asking. Whenever I see someone drunk it always reminded me why I don't drink. Sorry it was stressful for him. Being a teenager already has stresses and it was good that you went with him cuz you don't know what he would have done without you there.

[xxmadsenxx.livejournal.com]

Feel free to ask all the questions you want, whenever you want. :) I think it's a difficult thing to understand if you have never dealt with it yourself.

It's hard to explain how seeing someone really sick or messed up on drugs and/or alcohol can make you have cravings. You don't crave the negative effects. Seeing someone on drugs causes you to think about doing them, and then the cravings start. You don't think about being sick or fucked up to the point of being miserable. I'm really tired after last night, so I can't think of how to explain it right now. So I'm sorry if I don't make sense haha. When you're an addict, your substance(s) of choice has a huge hold on you. Regardless of the negative effects, you yearn for the positive effects. Not even just the positive effects...you crave just doing it, period. Part of what I really enjoyed about coke was just the process of doing it. I loved putting it into lines and doing them. I loved the smell, the taste, the drip...everything.

Quitting drugs and alcohol is extremely difficult, and it's really scary in a lot of ways. When you're an addict, drugs are like a crutch to lean on. Using drugs is a coping mechanism. That's not the only reason people use drugs, but it's a huge part of it. When you stop doing drugs, you're forced to deal with reality, and that can be really hard, especially when you don't know how to cope without using some type of substance to escape. When you quit, it's like you're losing your best friend in a way. Sure, drugs and alcohol can really fuck up your life, so in some ways they're your worst enemy. But if you have always depended on drugs and alcohol, ending that dependency is terrifying. There are plenty of negative consequences to using drugs. And despite all the bad times you may have had, there are a lot of good times. You crave the good. Even though my twin died of a drug overdose right in front of me, I didn't stop craving drugs. That shows you how powerful of a hold drugs can have on a person. I kept doing drugs for about nine years after he died. There were a few short sobriety stints in there, but I always relapsed. I used almost the entire time, until I quit in September 2007. A few other people I knew ODed and died, but that group of friends and I kept using. If people dying doesn't stop the cravings, seeing someone sick certainly won't stop them.

Drug addicts tend to be impulsive. Sometimes it's really hard to control those impulses. You just kind of do it without thinking. Rationally, you know that you shouldn't be doing it, but addiction takes over all logic and rationality. Common sense just kind of goes out the window. If a drug is in front of you, it's really the only thing that matters at that moment. You're not thinking about anything else, and if you are, you use the drug to push those thoughts away.

[xxmadsenxx.livejournal.com]

Apparently my response was too long, haha. So LJ is making me split it in two. Here's the rest of it:

Quitting drugs also has a huge effect on a person socially. You're forced to break away from groups and cut ties with certain people, and avoid certain social situations. Your social life changes dramatically. Not only are you losing the drug as a "friend" for lack of a better term, but you lose actual friends, as well. In order to stay clean, you CANNOT be around people who use regularly. You can't be around the stuff at all. At least most addicts can't. I don't think any of them should. Even certain locations can be triggering. I used to have trouble just driving past a particular area, because I had so many memories of doing coke and drinking there. The tiniest little things can trigger cravings. So actually being around someone who's fucked up on coke is a HUGE trigger. When they're fidgeting, upbeat and talkative, messing with their nose, and sniffing a lot (among other things), it's impossible not to think about doing coke. That doesn't necessarily mean that you'll crave it every time you're in a situation like that, but you'll still think about it. The kid we picked up was someone B used to do coke with all the time, so that in itself was a huge trigger for him. Anything and everything that reminds you of doing drugs can lead to cravings.

Getting over the physical addiction is extremely miserable, but it's short lived. The psychological addiction is MUCH harder to get over. It lingers. I don't think you really ever get over it completely. The physical drawbacks to doing drugs and drinking a lot are nothing compared to the psychological suffering you go through both when you're using, and when you quit using (especially when you first quit using...it starts getting better with time, but it's never easy).


Physically, drugs change your brain. They mess with your neurotransmitters. Especially dopamine. Dopamine is the "feel good" chemical, and pretty much every drug causes it to spike, which is why doing drugs feels so good. Serotonin is also involved. Serotonin plays a huge role in pretty much everything...mood, depression, sleep, appetite, etc. When you cause a depletion or imbalance in serotonin levels, you crash. Ecstasy has a HUGE impact on serotonin. That's why people are always talking about how horrible the next day is after a night of rolling (doing ecstasy). Cocaine inhibits the reuptake of dopamine, so the dopamine that is released when you do it stays around for a while in high concentrations, causing the high. That's the easiest way to describe it without going into all the specific biological processes. Your brain mechanisms change. Dopamine receptors are decreased, making dopamine less effective and decreasing the availability of dopamine in your brain. Basically, it messes with dopamine to the point that you basically need the cocaine in order to feel good. There are also specific areas of your brain that play a role in cocaine addiction (and every addiction, but I know the most about cocaine). If you really want me to go into it, I can, but the gist of it is that your brain mechanisms change, and you're more likely to feel all the negative effects of the drug. In order to stop feeling them, you have to keep doing more. Hence the physical cravings.

Sorry, my response was WAY longer than I thought it would be haha. I hope I at least partially answered your question. Once again, I'm sorry if I was all over the place and didn't make much sense. It's because I didn't sleep much last night. If you have more questions, or want me to explain something specifically, feel free to ask.

I'm glad I went with him. He needed the support.

[xxmadsenxx.livejournal.com]

WTF why did I write September 2007? Probably because September was my 4.5 year mark. I quit in March 2007.

[xxmadsenxx.livejournal.com]

Lol it's only the second one!

I plan on getting my PhD. I still need to take the GRE though. I'm down for writing a book haha.

[xxmadsenxx.livejournal.com]

I'm glad your craving wasn't too bad and that it went away. Pizza is better anyway haha.

I can't stand seeing people on drugs either. Especially not people I'm close to. I know exactly how you feel. It hurts to see people like that, and it's a really uncomfortable feeling. Like you, I feel the need to get away from them too, regardless of how much I care about them. I had to cut ties with some of my old best friends, because I just couldn't be around them anymore. Not only because I didn't want them triggering me, but also because I just hated the feeling I'd get when I'd see them fucked up like that.

It sucks when you have to stop hanging out with people, but sometimes it's something you have to do for your own good. It's cool that he knows he can contact you if he needs support, but I think it's a good thing that you distanced yourself from him.

Drug induced or drug fueled relationships are crazy, no matter what type of relationship it is...whether it's a friend, a girlfriend/boyfriend, someone you're sleeping with, etc. Relationships of any kind seem to be really intense and often tumultuous when drugs are involved.

[xxmadsenxx.livejournal.com]

I know what you mean about feeling disgusted. It really is hard to stomach. I hate thinking that I was like that, but I know it was. So it's hard to watch. It sucks when you see all the lasting negative effects it has had on you, too. Hahaha having a brain scan would be scary for sure! I'm not a doctor, obviously, but I would suspect that doing ecstasy a lot probably contributed to your depression and anxiety issues. I don't know though. SNRIs are pretty amazing. I took Effexor for a couple years, and it helped a lot, but then I weened off of it. Now I don't take anything. Jenny took Effexor too, up until she got pregnant. Then she had to stop taking it. The withdrawals from that stuff are a bitch. I'm glad you found something that works pretty well for you. I think your hypothesis makes sense.

I can't imagine doing 30 or 40 pills in a night...especially if they were really good ones. Ecstasy wasn't my drug of choice, but I still did it quite a bit for a while. The most I ever did in one night was about 18, I think. Maybe 20. No more than that though. I usually did 7 to 10 if it was an all night thing. Less if it was just for a little while. I always had to do at least four though, or nothing would really happen. But 30 to 40? That's crazy. I know people who would do that many too, and it's insane. They're complete e-tards though...I'm pretty sure their brains are permanently fucked up. At least it seems that way.