xxmadsenxx: (Default)
I'm watching Family Guy, and Brian and Peter were court ordered to go to AA meetings for 30 days. When the guy leading the meeting told Peter he needed to turn himself over to a higher power, Brian laughed. Well, not a full-on laugh...you know, one of those single "ha" laughs you do when you think something's stupid. I got in trouble for doing the exact same thing at an AA meeting in rehab once haha. Not the last time I went, or the time before that, or the time before that, but I think it was the time before that time. Nope, wait...not that time either. The time before that. Not like I've been to rehab very many times or anything. No big deal. It was when I was 18. I know that much. Of course when they asked what my little "ha" was about, I went off on a rant about everything I dislike about AA. I mostly went off about the "Higher Power" thing. I got a lecture for it. I still had to go to meetings of course, since it was part of the rehab program, but the person lecturing me told me to keep my comments to myself. I said, "But I thought we were supposed to SHARE in meetings," with a smart ass tone, and he didn't like that too much either. I ended up getting kicked out of that rehab lol. Not for the meeting incident...that happened like the third day I was there. It was shortly after that though. I don't remember how long I was there...maybe a week? I got kicked out for mouthing off too much and disobeying the rules. I was pretty happy about it. My mom was PISSED at me, but I was happy. But yeah, that Brian thing just reminded me of it, because "ha" was my exact response that time too.

Ella turned four months old yesterday. She has already started teething. She FINALLY started getting better about sleeping at night because her colic started getting better. She's still a little colicky, but not even close to as bad. It started getting a little better a couple weeks ago, but there was a major improvement about a week ago. So we got about a week of relatively peaceful nights. Then it was just kind of like, "Haha just kidding, fuck you guys," and the long nights started up again. At least with the colic we typically knew the time frame in which she'd start screaming. It was almost like clockwork. Now it just happens at random times. I don't mean crying, I mean screaming. Just like with the colic. Loud, blow-out-your-eardrums screaming. That type of screaming is mostly at night, of course. It wouldn't be very Ella-like if it wasn't. But she's crying a lot during the day, too. And she's just fussy in general. Ella is a pretty fussy baby who cries a lot anyway, so throw teething in there, and fuuuuccckkk. Babies drool so fucking much when they're teething. It's insane. So the past couple days we have just kept teething bibs on her all day, because otherwise we wind up changing her clothes a million times a day because her shirt ends up getting soaked. She has all the signs of teething. The drooling, the crying, runny nose, wants to chew on everything non-stop. All of that. Sometimes you can really tell that her teeth (or gums, I guess) are bothering her. I feel bad for her. Poor little thing. I also feel bad for us haha.

Jenny is trying to get me to "smoke healthier." Since I'm not really at a point where I feel like I can stop smoking right now, she said she wants me to try to "smoke healthier." She bought me natural tobacco and this little cigarette-making machine. It's not a roller...it like, shoves the tobacco into an already-made cigarette. So it still has a filter and everything, just like a normal cigarette. I agreed to try it. I mean...she already bought it. What was I going to do, say no after she already got it for me? It would be cheaper than buying cigarettes, that's for sure. But I like my menthols. That's what I have a problem with. I don't like non-menthol cigarettes. Cigarettes are bad for you as it is, and I know adding menthol to it makes them even worse. But that's what I like. I just really don't like non-menthols. I don't like the way they taste, I don't like the way they feel when you smoke them, I just don't like them. When she gave it to me, I asked, "Didn't they have menthol tobacco?" She said, "The point is that I want you to smoke healthier if you're going to smoke, so without the menthol and all the other chemicals in the cigarettes you smoke now. I wasn't just thinking 'Oh, Chris might have fun making his own cigarettes! I'll get him a new toy!' or I would have gotten you menthol." Haha. So I'm trying it. I'll admit, making my own is kind of fun. I doubt I'll continue to think that for very long though. Buying them is way easier and much less time consuming. Before work yesterday I just made a bunch and stuck them in an old cigarette pack. We'll see how this goes. I'm pretty sure it won't last more than a week, but I'll try.

I started writing this like two and a half hours ago haha. Obviously it hasn't held my attention. I keep coming and going from it. It's 7:00am and I still haven't slept. I was thinking I'd get a few hours of sleep in before I have to go to work, but I'm starting to doubt that. Oh well, at least it's only a half day.

Edit: 10:30. Still awake. I decided to just not go in to work today. I'm not taking the day off...I'm still working from home. But right now I'm not very busy, obviously...since I'm here. Haha.
xxmadsenxx: (Default)
So...I'm going back to both jobs next week. I haven't worked at the youth center for a while now, but I feel ready to go back. It feels good to be able to say that. I miss it there. I only work there a few hours a week, but it's way more fulfilling than my "real" job.

Jenny went over to her best friend Jen's house (yeah, they have the same name...so sorry if this gets confusing. But Jenny = my Jenny, and Jen = Jenny's friend) and came back looking upset. She came up to me and said, "Chris, I really need you to talk to Jen about getting her cousin some help." So I asked her what was up. Jenny and Jen have been best friends since kindergarten. Jen's 19-year-old cousin, who Jenny has known since she was born, is apparently a hardcore drug addict. She's really bad on crack and heroin. Both of her parents are drug addicts. Her dad is in jail, and she goes from place to place with her mom, who she does drugs with. I think she said they're living out of a motel right now. So she has a pretty fucked up life. Jenny just found out about the whole situation today, because I guess Jen didn't really know much about it until very recently, because she hasn't seen that cousin for a while. Jenny is really sad about it, because she still thinks of Jen's cousin as the little girl she knew forever ago. Jen asked Jenny if she thought I could somehow help her get some type of treatment for her cousin. Jen said that she doesn't think her cousin would go willingly, but who knows. Maybe she'll go if it's presented to her the right way and she doesn't feel cornered and forced into it. Or maybe she just needs to know that she has options. But maybe she'll refuse no matter what. Since she's a legal adult, they can't really force her into it. If she were to get arrested on a drug charge I could easily get her placed into a good program. Hopefully that won't happen, but sometimes it's for the best. I work with a lot of kids who are court ordered into treatment, and many of them wouldn't have sought help on their own. Obviously that's not the preferred method, but hey...whatever it takes, I guess. I know Jenny's best friend Jen really well, but I don't know her cousin. I have met her cousin a few times, but it has been years since the last time I saw her. So I don't think she'd really be willing to listen to me, but I'll try to give Jen all the information I can and she can relay it and hopefully we can figure something out from there.

It makes me sad. Her cousin has had a rough life. Her dad has been in and out of jail pretty much forever, and like I said before, both of her parents are addicts. Her parents haven't been together for most of her life, but they've both been really bad examples. A couple years ago she told Jen that she saw her mom smoke crack. That is so fucked up. I don't care how hardcore of an addict you are...you don't do drugs in front of your kids. Addicts might not have control over their addictions, but they have control over whether or not they do it in front of their kids. They could go in another room and lock the door or something. Even during my lowest points, I would never think of doing drugs in front of a kid, let alone my own. You just don't do that in front of your kids. Now she and her mom do it together...go figure. With parents like that, the poor girl never really had a chance.

I hope she'll get help so that she won't end up like her parents. The sooner she does it, the better. I was 27 when I finally kicked my habit. B got sober right before he turned 17...so he did it really early. Hopefully Jen's cousin will be able to do it early, too. I don't even remember how old I was the first time I went to rehab. I want to say 18, but I'm not sure. I was in and out of drug treatment programs forever. Some in-patient, and a lot of outpatient. So I don't really know. I know that my mom put me in an intensive outpatient for the first time when I was 16. Then I went through court ordered treatment when I was 17 after I got arrested for possession of cocaine, since I already had a prior marijuana possession charge. But I think I was 18 my first time in residential treatment. I don't know. Something like that. Anyway, my point is that it might take a few tries, but the sooner she starts, the better. I just hope she'll do it. We'll see. I'll do what I can, but I can only do so much. I can't make Jen's cousin go. I can really only give Jen the information and try to help her figure out a way to talk to her cousin about it.

Seriously, if my kids ever touch drugs, it would kill me. It's heartbreaking to see kids go down that path. I would never want Evan or Ella to go through that, and I would never want to see that happen to them. At least I know what to watch for. I don't think they'd be able to hide it from me...I've used every trick in the book. Plus I can easily identify someone who's on something and exactly what they're on, even when other people might not take much notice. I know a lot of parents like to think they'd know if their kids were doing drugs, but I'm convinced I would know. Been there, done that. They wouldn't be able to hide it. I'm a pretty easygoing parent (at least so far...but I'm only six years in), but drugs are one thing I would be REALLY strict about. Zero-tolerance policy.


I'm teaching that class again starting the first week of June. It has been a while since the last one I did. I'm hoping I won't get any young girls trying to hang all over me this time. Hahaha. That was so awkward last time.

Damn, I need to go to bed. Surprisingly Jenny is still up and in the other room. I'm writing this in bed. I think I'm too tired and lazy to even go take my contacts out, so I'll probably sleep in them and regret it in the morning. Oh well. It just sucks when you first wake up. After a while it's fine. My contact case and solution are in the bathroom that's in our bedroom, so it's not like I'd have to go very far at all, but fuck that. Too much effort.

Yeah, it's time for bed for sure.

Long rant

Feb. 19th, 2007 03:42 am
xxmadsenxx: (Default)
I feel like the biggest piece of shit in the world. I do nothing but cause problems for all of the people that care about me.

I'm not doing as well as I thought I would be doing if I went back home. I can't stop. I've cut down quite a bit, but I can't stop yet...and that sucks, because stopping is only the first step. It's hard, but it's definitely not more difficult than everything that follows. Adapting to and accepting life without drugs and alcohol is the hardest part. It's changing everything you know. It forces you to deal with your life and your emotions. I have NEVER been good at that, and getting fucked up has always been my means of "dealing". I deal with things by not dealing with them. I do whatever I can to escape from reality and suppress my emotions. I can't seem to internalize the fact that if I want to get better, I have to learn how to face life head on and deal with what it gives me. I need to learn how to live sober, because I don't know how.

I have gone through the rehabilitation process so many times, I could write a book on it. Obviously I wouldn't have any advice as to how to make the rehab process successful, but as for going through it...been there done that a million times.

You always hear that in order to get better, you have to do it for yourself, but you know what? I have absolutely no desire to do it for myself. I only care about getting better because the people that love me want me to, and I don't want to hurt them anymore. If I didn't have them, I would have absolutely no desire to quit. I would keep using until I died, because I really wouldn't care. Sometimes I think it would be better if I did die. I know I sound stupid saying that. I know it's not true. I don't even really mean it. I just feel that way sometimes.

I don't even know why I'm using right now. It's a coping mechanism of mine, but it's not like I have much that I need to "cope" with. I have everything I could possibly want...an amazing wife; beautiful, healthy kids. I love Jenny and our kids more than anything in this world. I don't really understand why I'm doing this. I wish I could just stop. I hate it. Every time I open a bottle, I hate it. Every time something goes up my nose, I hate it. Every time I pop pills, whatever kind they may be, I hate it. I hate all of it, and I hate myself for doing it. I hate myself for not being able to control it. And most of all, I hate myself for hurting my family.

My poor mother. I went over to her house today, and when we started talking, she just broke down and cried. She knows that I relapsed months ago. It's not like it was a surprise when I went over there today. But she hates seeing it. And you CAN see it...I have lost about 15 pounds, which is a lot for me, and I have big dark circles under my eyes from not sleeping well (or much at all). Anyway, she cried today, and it made me feel like shit. I hate doing this to her. My mom has gone through so much already. She doesn't need this. She told me that it breaks her heart to see me doing this to myself, and that she can't bear the thought of losing me too (like she lost my brother). She said "I don't want to see both of my twin boys killed by the same unnecessary evil." I don't want to do that to her. I don't want to put her through it again. I can't even imagine how hard it would be to lose a child, and she has already lost one. That must be the most horrible thing in the world. You'd think that would be enough to make me stop. She also told me that she feels like she has failed as a mother. I feel really bad about that, because it isn't her fault. None of it is. My mom did EVERYTHING she possibly could have done, and more. She continues to do everything that she could possibly do. She has been nothing but a wonderful mother, and I hate that she feels at all responsible for anything that has happened. I couldn't ask for a better mom. Aside from genetic disposition, there is no one to put the blame on but my father. My mom is amazing. I have told her this so many times, but I don't think she'll ever really stop blaming herself, even though it's not at all her fault.

My brother is just about at the end of his rope with me. He has always been the one that was there to pick me up when I fell, but I have fallen so many times that he doesn't really have the strength to pick me up anymore. He won't flat out tell me that, but I can feel it. He's my best friend in the whole world, and I'm his...so I know how hard it is for him.

And Jenny...oh God, Jenny. The love of my life. My wife. The mother of my children. Why am I doing this to her? I hate myself so much for it. I love her so much it hurts, so it kills me to know how much pain I'm causing her. I want nothing more than to make her happy and if I could, I would take away all of the pain that she has ever endured in her life...but now I'm the one causing it. I know I keep saying that I hate myself, but I really hate myself for that.

I love my wife and kids so much. I don't want to become my father. I can't. I won't. Like I have said many times before, I would never do some of the things that he did, or be abusive to my family in any way, but my substance abuse is abuse enough.

When I look at my wife, it kills me to see the pain in her eyes, because I'm the one that caused it. I just want to hold her in my arms and tell her that everything will be ok, but I can't, because everything won't be okay until I overcome this once and for all. I know I will always struggle with sobriety once I achieve it (IF I achieve it...it seems impossible sometimes), but I want to get to the point that I will never go back (to using).

I just don't know what to do anymore. I want to stop. Really, I do. For good. But living sober forever scares me, and I don't know how to do it.

I need to learn how to stop all this self-loathing so that I can get better for ME. I need to want to be sober not just for my family, but for myself. I just don't know how to get to that point.


I want a drink, but I'm going to try to resist and go have a cigarette instead.

On a lighter note, my son turned one this month. How crazy is that? I can't believe it has been a whole year already. It has gone by so fast.
xxmadsenxx: (Default)
I talked to Jenny today. It went a lot better than I thought it would. Of course she was upset, and a little hurt that I'd been hiding things from her, but she wasn't mad at me at all. She was really understanding about everything. God, I love her.

So it's settled. My first day is tomorrow. But I got a head start today. I didn't even use anything to calm my nerves before talking to her. I'm pretty proud of myself for that. One day down, the rest of my life to go. I already feel so much better. Just making the decision to go through rehab and talking to her about it took a huge weight off my shoulders, and I'm beginning to feel much more optimistic about the whole thing. It just feels different this time around. Probably because now I have something that I know I need to get clean for. And I want to. I honestly want to this time. For good.

Wish me luck.
xxmadsenxx: (Default)
This afternoon I went with my brother to my mom's house to talk to her about my relapse and going back into rehab. It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. It's a huge weight off my shoulders, that's for sure. She cried, which made me feel terrible, but I knew it would happen. She just told me what she's told me countless times before...that it kills her to see me doing this to myself, and she doesn't want to lose another son this way. I keep telling her that won't happen, but I know that it very well could if I don't do something to change it. I'm a bit apprehensive about the whole thing, because it hasn't worked in the past. It temporarily worked a few times, but not in the long run. My stubborn streak keeps saying that I can do it on my own, and that it would be better that way. But common sense tells me otherwise.

I need to start sometime this week. Although I haven't yet decided if I should do full-blown rehab (non-residential though), or just start going to meetings. Rehab would probably be a better bet. Well, I'm sure it would be. I fucking hate rehab. I know I need to go, but I hate it.

If you've been following my journal (which I wouldn't be surprised if you haven't...because I'm not very good at updating regularly most of the time), you can probably tell that my addiction has resurfaced pretty bad in the past few months. Maybe not...I haven't written many details in this thing. But lately, it's all I have to write about. Anyway, it's just getting worse and worse...yet again. A constant downward spiral. And the further down you go, the harder it is to climb out. Which is why I need to start a program NOW. Not in two weeks, not next month, but now. This week.

But before I can do that, I need to talk to Jenny. I'm afraid to though. I'm more than afraid. I'm scared to death. Like I said in the last one I wrote, she doesn't know about the pills. I drugged myself today before going over to my mom's house because I couldn't handle it, and I know I'll do the same before telling Jenny. I don't think I'll be able to do it if I don't have something to calm my nerves. That right there is pretty fucking pathetic. You shouldn't have to drug yourself in order to talk to the person you love about something really important. If that's not a sign of a serious problem, I don't know what is. It's not so much telling her about my decision to go to rehab that I'm worried about, because I know she'll support that whole heartedly. It's telling her about the pills, and how often I've been using. Telling her that I've been hiding things from her, and flat out lying about what I've been doing. I seriously cannot handle that shit. I get all worked up just thinking about it.

How do I break it to her? Just sit her down and tell her that I need to talk to her about something? I hate having to do this to her. Especially now that she's pregnant. But better now than after the baby comes.

xxmadsenxx: (Default)
Yesterday or the day before I wrote about how I've been clean for a while. That's a bunch of fucking bullshit. No coke, sure...but I'm lying to myself about being clean. I'm not. Clean means no alcohol, no pot. Smoking weed isn't a big problem for me. I'll do it occasionally, and Jenny doesn't have a problem with that, as long as I don't do it very often. But drinking...I can't stop. Today was the first day all week that I haven't been drunk. Earlier this week my friends and I drank for literally almost 4 days straight, only stopping to sleep. I know a lot of people will do that over holiday weekends, or during the summer...but it's not something you should be doing when you're an alcoholic and addict with a 4-year-old step-daughter and a baby on the way.

I don't know what to do. The sad thing is, the reason I came to this realization is because I got high with my brother a few hours ago and it got me thinking. Some of you know my history...for those of you that don't, I started partying and doing drugs at an early age. I've been to rehab four times (three times by age 21) and I've done AA twice. And I'm only 25. I don't know what else to do. Nothing seems to work. But I have to do something. I won't put my kids or my wife through the shit that I went through growing up. Granted, I would never abuse a woman or children, or do half of the things my dad did, but I don't want my kids to have to go through any of it. I just don't know how to stop it.


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April 2013



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