Sleep app

Proof from my phone that I get really shitty sleep. Yep, there's an app for that! There's an app for everything, I swear.



For some reason when you share it no matter how you share/save it, it only does a thin strip of it, so you can't see how high it spikes. The tall spikes go off my phone, whether I hold it vertically or horizontally. The higher the spike, the lighter the sleep. For a lot of the high spikes (probably the highest ones) I was awake. I woke up like 10 times during the night. It had to be 10 times. When you're in deep sleep, the graph points are supposed to be beneath the dotted line near the bottom. So yeah...it said I spent 46% of the time in deep sleep. That averages out to about four hours. Four hours broken up, but still. I know no one is in deep sleep for 100% of the night, but 46% seems really low. The stupid picture doesn't show all of it. The spikes were really high this morning, starting an hour or two before I woke up. They should fix the way it's displayed when you save/share it. It's cut off way too low, and the stupid barcode thing hides the end of it.

It has some pretty cool features. You can set it to wake you up when you're in a light sleep within a certain amount of time before the designated time you set on your alarm so that you aren't as groggy when you wake up. It's a 14 day trial, but I'll probably end up buying it for the wake up features. Plus you can set it so you have to prove you're awake when you dismiss it.

I have no idea how that app works. Movement, maybe? I don't move when I'm actually asleep. Not much, anyway. I wake up in the exact same place and position I fell asleep. Always. So I don't know. You put it on your mattress next to you. It's probably more accurate with one person sleeping in the bed, but I put it on the edge of the bed on my side, so I doubt Jenny really affected it much. Besides, she doesn't really move when she sleeps either.

I took half a Trazodone last night. A full Trazodone knocks me the fuck out for 12+ hours, but half a Trazodone doesn't do anything. When I took a full one I slept all day, but I only woke up like once, and it was because I had to wake up for like 20 minutes. I wonder if the 12+ hours of being knocked out effect will wear off.

(no subject)

I've finally started catching up with you guys. I'm doing it slowly but surely.

Ella is doing so much better. Her eye infection is gone. We had to put eyedrops in her eyes twice a day for five days, which she HATED. Now she just has four and a half days of Amoxicillin left. She actually likes that. It's that pink liquid kind they give to kids and people who get their tonsils out. She doesn't object at all when we give it to her, so that makes it easy. I'm so glad she's almost better...for her sake and for mine and Jenny's.

So...Jenny and I finally had sex for the first time in I don't really know how long. I wasn't really that into it, and I think she could probably tell that I didn't really want to do it. I just did it because she was practically begging me to. I wish this total lack of a sex drive thing would go away. I kinda hope she won't want it again anytime soon. Wishful thinking, I'm sure. I feel bad for turning her down so much. She hasn't been trying as much lately, but she sure did this morning, so I just gave in. I have had periods of time where my sex drive was decreased, but NOTHING like this, and it has never lasted even close to this long. I felt obligated to have sex this morning. That's the reason I did it. I didn't want to. It's not just lack of a sex drive; sex is just completely unappealing to me right now. Instead of being fun and enjoyable it feels like a chore. It's really weird. Usually I'm the complete opposite of this.

I got told twice today that I need to gain weight. The first time was by Jenny this morning when we were lying in bed. It was right after we had sex and she was cuddled up to me. She said, "You've gotten really skinny, babe. You need to put some meat on those bones or you're going to look like a skeleton just in time for Halloween." Haha. I asked her how I'm supposed to do that if I'm supposed to be eating healthy. I haven't been eating healthy, by the way. Mostly because Jenny hasn't been either. At least she and Evan eat way healthier than I do on a regular basis though. But we also eat a lot of crap. Especially me. Anyway, she said I don't have to eat less if I eat healthy and that I could still eat junk, but to cut down on it and replace some of it with healthy food. She said she thinks it would help my energy level. I'm sure she's right. I have been eating even more crap since this depression started. Not more of it...less, actually. But it has been making up a larger proportion of my diet. When I'm depressed I eat less. Jenny is jealous of that haha. She does the opposite. I guess I hadn't really noticed that I'd lost more than a few pounds. I thought I'd lost 4 or 5 at the most. But nope, I've lost 12 in the past month. So now I'm down to 163. I'm 6'1" so that's not very much for my height. Plus on my frame it's way too skinny. I shouldn't go below 175. I need to gain that weight back.

We went to dinner at my mom's house tonight, and she also told me that I need to gain weight. She said I was starting to look too skinny and that she's worried about me. I told her she had nothing to worry about. She asked me what's going on with me. I told her that nothing is going on and I'm fine. She said I was lying. I told her I wasn't. She said, "I've been your mother a very long time, Chris. (She has always said that haha.) I know when you're lying, and you're lying right now. You're not fine. Please tell me what's going on." I told her again that I'm fine. She knew I wasn't going to say anything other than that, so she quit prying and dropped it.

It's kind of funny how people can comment on weight loss like that, but if I commented on their weight gain it wouldn't be ok. If Jenny or my mom or anyone really gained weight for whatever reason (other than having a baby, because they have to gain weight for that) and I said, "You're getting kinda fat. You need to lose the weight you've gained. Is everything ok with you?" I'd get killed lol. Especially by Jenny. I would never say that, but still...it's a double standard. I don't care that they told me to gain weight. It doesn't bother me. I know I need to anyway. I just find the double standard interesting.

Red Vines are so good. I love candy.

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Mediums

I'm watching Long Island Medium, mostly because I can't find the remote. I'm sure it's close by somewhere, but I'm too lazy to look.

I'm really skeptical of mediums and psychics and all of that. I don't even know what my beliefs about the afterlife are, but I'd like to think that there's something. I'm kind of intrigued by the whole thing. I think most people who claim to be mediums are full of shit. But sometimes you hear about someone who knows things they couldn't have known. I don't know...it's weird. If I heard there was a "real" medium around here, I'd consider going, just to see. Because if it is real, it would be cool to contact my brother. But I don't really believe in it. Sometimes I really wish I could talk to him. Ok, sometimes I do talk to him. But I wish I could know for a fact that he's there listening, and I really wish he could talk back. I miss him so much.

October is the worst month of the year for me, because it's the month he died. November and December are bad too, because of our birthday and Christmas. Plus there's the whole seasonal depression thing. Basically, October through February sucks. I really hate October though. Since I'm already depressed I have a feeling it's going to be really hard this year. I'm pretty sure I'll be an emotional wreck at the end of the month. I pushed it away with drugs and alcohol for so long that I didn't really start dealing with his death until I got sober. I still haven't fully dealt with it. It will be 13 years on the 29th, but I've only been trying to come to terms with it for five. And I haven't done a very good job of it.

It just sucks. I miss him so much. Beware, you'll probably hear (read) a lot more about that subject this month.

I strayed away from the original topic of this post. Well, kind of. But yeah, I really wish there was some way I could talk to him.

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