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All-Night Convo w/ B
Aug. 1st, 2011 08:09 amIt's almost 6:00 in the morning and I haven't even slept because I was up talking to B all night. At about 11:30 last night he texted me to ask me to come in his room and talk. I thought it was kind of weird that he would just text me rather than come talk to me, since I was just downstairs watching TV, but I didn't ask him about it. I just got up and went to his room. I found him curled up on his bed, crying. Something was obviously REALLY wrong, because B isn't the type of kid you'd really expect to see crying in the fetal position. I sat down next to him and asked him what was wrong, and it took him a minute to gather himself enough to even respond. He was practically hyperventilating, so he was definitely more than a little worked up. When he was finally able to say something, he said "I just don't think I can do it anymore, man. I'm not gonna last." Hearing him say that he's afraid he won't be able to stay sober was sad, but it wasn't as bad as what I was afraid he might say...that he'd relapsed. So I'm really glad that wasn't the case. Of course I'd be there for him if that was what happened, but thankfully it didn't happen. I asked him what brought all this on, and why he didn't think he could do it. He said that nothing in particular sparked it; he'd just been feeling a bit down and started thinking, which led to anxiety. He said it had just been building up the past few days, and it finally spiraled out of control and wouldn't stop eating at him. He told me that he asked me to come talk to him because he was really afraid that he was going to relapse.
He's still in the early stages of sobriety, so he's in a really tough spot right now. I mean, maintaining your sobriety is never easy, but it's insanely difficult early on in the process. B started coming to the youth center last year, when he got in trouble for a drug DUI and a possession charge (although he later got the DUI charge dropped on technicalities, which is really lucky for him because otherwise he wouldn't be able to drive until he's 21). He had to do court-ordered treatment, which is why he started coming. That was September 2010. He quit coming when his required four months were up and then relapsed. Almost immediately after that, he decided to come back on his own and try again. The fact that he chose to come back for help on his own at such a young age, with no support from anyone else speaks volumes about him. This happened at the end of January. He was doing really well, but he had a brief relapse a little more than four months later, on June 8th. That was when I asked him to come stay with us. So he has been clean and sober since June 9, 2011. Wow, I somehow didn't notice that four month pattern until now. I'm going to have to keep a careful watch on him when the four month mark rolls around this time.
But anyway, back to the conversation we had...
He said that he didn't really know why he was feeling so down or why he was doubting himself so much. There doesn't always have to be a specific reason. Sometimes it just happens. It was a LONG conversation (5+ hours), so I'll summarize the rest of it. He was depressed, anxious, and so upset that his thoughts were all over the place. So our conversation was kind of all over the place, too. He said that living sober just seems too hard, and that he didn't think he could do it forever. We talked a lot about his feelings behind that, and then of course spent a lot of time on the "take it one day at a time" thing. We talked about both our childhoods, since there are so many similarities. Seriously, B and I are so alike in so many ways it's crazy. Similar upbringings, same drugs of choice, similar hobbies, tastes in music, personality traits...he even looks like he could be my brother. The list of similarities is huge. But anyway, back to the conversation.
He said over and over again that he didn't think he could do it. I tried to shift the conversation a little. I asked him something like, "Do you want to stay clean and sober for the long run?" I may not be able to formulate my own thoughts into words very well right now or even construct a proper sentence due to lack of sleep, but I remember his response verbatim. He said, "I DO want to, Chris. I really do. But part of me feels like I don't really deserve it. Like...I'm not really worth it, you know? Like who cares if I'm all good and sober or if I get fucked up and ruin my life? I WANT to stay clean. But what I want doesn't really matter, because I don't really matter." That last part seriously broke my heart. He went on to say, "And even though I want it, I'll fuck it up. Sometimes I feel like I'm just wasting my time even trying. It's so hard, and I try SO hard. But sometimes I think it's just not worth it. I'm bound to fail. That's just the story of my life. I'm a worthless piece of shit and probably always will be. So I probably shouldn't even want it, but I do. I want it SO bad, man." Then he started crying again...a lot. Of course I told him all of those things aren't true. I told him that he absolutely does matter, and that he is worth it. And I made sure he knew that I cared. I mean, I know he knows I care. But I wanted to make sure to let him know how much I care, and how much he means to me. Not just to me, but to Jenny and Evan as well. Evan LOVES B, and vice versa. So I made sure to mention him. Things kinda started to wind down after that. We talked for a little while longer, until he was ready to go to sleep.
He seemed to feel much better after we talked, so I hope it helped. I'm taking the day off today to make sure he's ok. I don't want to leave him alone. Well, it's not like he'd really be alone...Jenny and Evan would be here. But still. I just feel like I should stay home in case he needs me today.
Fuck, it's 8:00 now. You know you're beyond tired and your brain is fried when it takes you two hours to write one of these things. I was fine for the first half...that didn't take long. The second half took me forever and is probably all over the place. If it is then I apologize haha. Maybe I'll fix it later, if I come back and read it and it's as bad as I think it is. Oh well, whatever. I need to sleep now. I have to get up in 3.5 hours for a stupid work meeting on the phone, but other than that I'm taking the day off. I kind of want a cigarette, but I'm so tired that it seems like way too much effort, so I'll just go to bed. A few hours is better than no sleep at all. And helping B is well worth the lack of sleep, for sure.
Edit to add: Almost 9:30 now. Sleep isn't happening. Fuck. Oh well.
He's still in the early stages of sobriety, so he's in a really tough spot right now. I mean, maintaining your sobriety is never easy, but it's insanely difficult early on in the process. B started coming to the youth center last year, when he got in trouble for a drug DUI and a possession charge (although he later got the DUI charge dropped on technicalities, which is really lucky for him because otherwise he wouldn't be able to drive until he's 21). He had to do court-ordered treatment, which is why he started coming. That was September 2010. He quit coming when his required four months were up and then relapsed. Almost immediately after that, he decided to come back on his own and try again. The fact that he chose to come back for help on his own at such a young age, with no support from anyone else speaks volumes about him. This happened at the end of January. He was doing really well, but he had a brief relapse a little more than four months later, on June 8th. That was when I asked him to come stay with us. So he has been clean and sober since June 9, 2011. Wow, I somehow didn't notice that four month pattern until now. I'm going to have to keep a careful watch on him when the four month mark rolls around this time.
But anyway, back to the conversation we had...
He said that he didn't really know why he was feeling so down or why he was doubting himself so much. There doesn't always have to be a specific reason. Sometimes it just happens. It was a LONG conversation (5+ hours), so I'll summarize the rest of it. He was depressed, anxious, and so upset that his thoughts were all over the place. So our conversation was kind of all over the place, too. He said that living sober just seems too hard, and that he didn't think he could do it forever. We talked a lot about his feelings behind that, and then of course spent a lot of time on the "take it one day at a time" thing. We talked about both our childhoods, since there are so many similarities. Seriously, B and I are so alike in so many ways it's crazy. Similar upbringings, same drugs of choice, similar hobbies, tastes in music, personality traits...he even looks like he could be my brother. The list of similarities is huge. But anyway, back to the conversation.
He said over and over again that he didn't think he could do it. I tried to shift the conversation a little. I asked him something like, "Do you want to stay clean and sober for the long run?" I may not be able to formulate my own thoughts into words very well right now or even construct a proper sentence due to lack of sleep, but I remember his response verbatim. He said, "I DO want to, Chris. I really do. But part of me feels like I don't really deserve it. Like...I'm not really worth it, you know? Like who cares if I'm all good and sober or if I get fucked up and ruin my life? I WANT to stay clean. But what I want doesn't really matter, because I don't really matter." That last part seriously broke my heart. He went on to say, "And even though I want it, I'll fuck it up. Sometimes I feel like I'm just wasting my time even trying. It's so hard, and I try SO hard. But sometimes I think it's just not worth it. I'm bound to fail. That's just the story of my life. I'm a worthless piece of shit and probably always will be. So I probably shouldn't even want it, but I do. I want it SO bad, man." Then he started crying again...a lot. Of course I told him all of those things aren't true. I told him that he absolutely does matter, and that he is worth it. And I made sure he knew that I cared. I mean, I know he knows I care. But I wanted to make sure to let him know how much I care, and how much he means to me. Not just to me, but to Jenny and Evan as well. Evan LOVES B, and vice versa. So I made sure to mention him. Things kinda started to wind down after that. We talked for a little while longer, until he was ready to go to sleep.
He seemed to feel much better after we talked, so I hope it helped. I'm taking the day off today to make sure he's ok. I don't want to leave him alone. Well, it's not like he'd really be alone...Jenny and Evan would be here. But still. I just feel like I should stay home in case he needs me today.
Fuck, it's 8:00 now. You know you're beyond tired and your brain is fried when it takes you two hours to write one of these things. I was fine for the first half...that didn't take long. The second half took me forever and is probably all over the place. If it is then I apologize haha. Maybe I'll fix it later, if I come back and read it and it's as bad as I think it is. Oh well, whatever. I need to sleep now. I have to get up in 3.5 hours for a stupid work meeting on the phone, but other than that I'm taking the day off. I kind of want a cigarette, but I'm so tired that it seems like way too much effort, so I'll just go to bed. A few hours is better than no sleep at all. And helping B is well worth the lack of sleep, for sure.
Edit to add: Almost 9:30 now. Sleep isn't happening. Fuck. Oh well.
