(no subject)

My mom wants to go to the funeral. :\ She asked me if I wanted to go with her, and I said no. I feel bad for saying no, but I have absolutely no desire to go. I don't think he deserves to have any of us there. I wish she wasn't going. I guess she's taking my little sister with her. If my sister wasn't going I guess I would go, simply because I wouldn't want my mom to have to go by herself. Especially since it's in MA.

She seems pretty upset about it. I guess I can kind of understand why, because they were together for a long time...over 20 years. I really do not understand why she stayed with him for so long. He cheated on her multiple times, he was extremely emotionally abusive, and he was also physically abusive sometimes. On top of that, he was abusive toward his kids. If she didn't want to leave him for herself, she should have left him for her children's sake. But no. She stayed with him, and he ended up leaving us. My mom is such a smart woman, so I don't see how she could be so stupid.

I think part of the reason I am so bothered by her decision to go to the funeral is because my dad didn't even bother to go to my brother's funeral, like I mentioned before. He didn't care enough to go to his own son's funeral, yet my mom is planning on going to my dad's funeral even though he abused her for years and then left her? Not to mention, she hasn't had any contact with him since he left, and that was 11 or 12 years ago. I don't remember exactly how long ago it was, because that part of my life is basically just a huge blur. I think it was close to 12 years ago though. But anyway, I really wish she wouldn't go. My brother feels the same way. It's her decision though. I don't agree with her decision, but I guess I'll just have to respect it.

(no subject)

I think I might go to a meeting tomorrow. For the past two days or so I have been thinking about drinking...a lot. No coke cravings, thank God, but the alcohol cravings have been pretty strong. I know that I won't drink, but I'm hoping that maybe a meeting will help kill the urge a little bit. I really don't like meetings though, so I don't know. I'm at a point where I am positive that I won't give in to my urges to drink, but I definitely still struggle with the cravings. I don't think they will ever entirely go away, although it has gotten better with time for the most part. I'm really bad at dealing with stress and emotions, so I'm not surprised that this thing is showing its face right now.

It probably wouldn't be a very good idea to ask Jenny to go with me, huh? I'm sure Annie would be pissed.

Edit: Not sure why I was even thinking about asking Jenny. Since she got out of rehab, the only contact we have really had has been regarding Evan, and that's how it should stay for now. She might get the wrong idea and think that I want our friendship to go back to how it was, but I don't want that. I only thought of her because she could be there to give me support, but I'll just ask my brother to go instead. Or I'll go alone.