xxmadsenxx: (Default)
Well, she's there.

The night before she went, she went out with her friend and they did three balls...that's 10.5 grams, or 5.25 grams each. That's quite a bit. They stayed up all night, so she hadn't slept in at least 30-36 hours the day she went to rehab. I guess she wanted to go out with a bang. I can understand that though...you definitely want to do it one more time before you know you have to quit. At least I did.

I really hope this works for her. :\
xxmadsenxx: (Default)
I met up with Justin today, and told him everything. Jenny will be on her way to rehab on Monday. She begged me to let her do coke one more time before she goes, but I am not going to enable her. If she's going to do it, she can do it on Justin's watch...I'm not going to be responsible for that. I have enabled her too much already.

She has spend at least $2500 on coke in the past two months or so...at least that's what she has kept track of. She said it could be closer to $3000. That's not all that she has done though, because her friend buys it too...so they have done close to twice that in two or three months. That's close to as bad as I was...but at least I had hook ups that would just give it to me sometimes, or at least charge me a lot less.

I still can't believe she brought that shit into MY house. It must have been a trigger, because I ended up having a really vivid dream about doing coke. Part of me didn't want to wake up from it, which isn't good. I still miss the stuff in a way, but I know that I'll never touch it again. I have no desire to. I hope she'll be able to get to that point. I just hope that rehab will work for her the FIRST time, unlike me...I went multiple times. But then again, I struggled with my addiction for over a decade.

I'm just really worried about her. Even though we aren't married anymore, I still feel the need to look out for her and protect her. I still love her with all my heart. I'm not IN LOVE with her anymore, but I will always love her. I want the best for her, and it kills me to see her doing this to herself. I finally understand what it feels like to be the person on the other side, rather than the addict. It's hard. I feel terrible for putting so many people through the same thing, year after year after year.

I feel bad for Justin. He has absolutely no experience dealing with things like this. He and I used to despise each other, but over the past few months we have actually become friends. I'll try to help him through it as much as I possibly can.

Jenny still claims that she doesn't have a problem. She says that it's a spending problem, because she impulsively spends money all the time, whether it's on clothes, makeup, or drugs. But spending a few thousand dollars on cocaine in the course of two or three months is NOT just a spending problem. Especially since she freaks the fuck out when she can't get coke if and when she wants it.

She needs help, and I'm really glad that she's finally going to get it.

Update #2

Jun. 16th, 2008 09:19 pm
xxmadsenxx: (Default)
So...the other shit I have to write about.

1) Annie and I are still together, and everything is going really well. She's still an anti-sexual virgin, but other than that everything's great haha.

2) My son is amazing as always. I can't complain there. :) I love having him live with me full-time.

3) Work is going well. I was recently promoted, which is good. My job is boring, but I can't complain since I get to listen to my iPod almost the entire time, and now I only have to answer to one person.

4) Jenny (my ex-wife) started using cocaine again. She still confides in me, which is why I know this. Justin (her once ex-husband, now boyfriend) doesn't know about it. I feel partially responsible for it. I know it's not my fault if she chooses do to coke, but I feel like I somehow contributed to it in some way. I NEVER did coke around her when we were together. She was never around it when she was with me, regardless of the fact that I was doing it all the time. So technically I didn't introduce her to it or anything like that, but I somehow feel as though my addiction caused her to try it. I don't know exactly what I'm trying to say...I just feel guilty. She was doing it recreationally for a little while a few months ago, but then she stopped. She started up again about two months ago and has been doing it fairly regularly ever since. Now she'll go on sprees where she'll do it for four days in a row or so, stop for a few days, and then start again. She typically does it two to three times a week, but sometimes she has "good weeks", which means she gets to do it more. She told me that she has spent $800 on coke in the last six weeks. For a coke head, that's not a lot...I went through A LOT more than that, but luckily I was either dating or good friends with most of my dealers back in the day, haha. But anyway, it worries me. Justin is very well off, so she has plenty of disposable income, and he'll never even notice where her money is going...until she starts spending hundreds and hundreds a week anyway, which I'm afraid may end up happening.

I can't decide whether or not I think she's addicted just yet. I don't think she knows either. She hasn't said that she wants to stop, only that she should. She claims she has it under control. Her reasons for that are that one, she doesn't do it "all the time" (but that's a matter of definition). Two, she "doesn't HAVE to do it, but just wants to". Three, she doesn't do it when the kids are around. Four, she doesn't bring it home with her. YET. I don't think those are really valid justifications, but whatever. If she's not already addicted, I think she's becoming an addict and it scares me to death. She has SEEN what addiction does to people. She went through it with me. She's such a smart girl...so I don't know why she would do this after seeing what it does to a person and to their family. My coke habit caused so many problems for me, for her, and for our family. Now she's doing the same damn thing, or at least she's going down that path. Part of me will always love Jenny, and she's breaking my heart by doing this to herself. I don't know what to do. I think Justin NEEDS to know, but I don't think it's my place to tell him, even though we're friendly and on good terms now. If she doesn't tell him and it gets much worse, I won't have any choice but to tell him, but as of right now I'm not sure what to do. I don't think she needs rehab YET, but I think she's well on her way. She doesn't understand how much of a downward spiral it really is. She has seen it happen before her eyes, but she still has no idea how trapping and controlling it can be. Once you get dragged in, it's extremely hard to get back out. You start out thinking you have control and can quit at any time, but there's a very fine line between being in control and losing control, and I think she's close to crossing it. I really don't want to see Jenny destroy her life.

I don't know what to do. Thank God I have custody of Evan though. I just don't want this to have any type of negative effect on her daughter. She needs to stop.


Other than that, things are great!
xxmadsenxx: (Default)
My son now officially lives with me, permanently! I still feel like it's a bit sad that Jenny was willing to just hand him over like that, but I'm thrilled about it.

I can't believe he's already two years old! It's amazing how fast time goes by.

I have changed so much in the past year. It's crazy. I don't even have the desire to drink or do drugs, at all. I realize now that it's just not worth it. I have too much to live for, and I can't do that to my son. So I'm still happily sober.

Speaking of sobriety...I found out that my ex-wife has started doing coke on occasion. She flipped the fuck out on me, yet now she's doing the exact same fucking thing. Granted, she's not an addict (yet), but it pisses me off that she's doing that. I found out through a mutual friend. I don't think that Justin (her former ex-husband, now current boyfriend) even knows. I don't like the guy, but I almost want to tell him. I think he should know. I won't though. I don't know...I don't think it's my place to say anything, but I can't decide. What do you think? (If anyone is reading this)

She has been going through a lot lately. Jenny (my ex-wife) is bipolar, and she's been on one of her "crazy streaks" as we jokingly called them for a while. I know that's why she's out doing drugs and drinking. That's not like her, AT ALL. Part of me will always love her, so I'm worried about her. I noticed cuts on her arms the last time I saw her, too. She needs to get help. I don't want to see her keep doing all these self-destructive things. Even though I now have custody, she still needs to be there for Evan, and for her daughter...so she needs to do something about whatever is going on in her life right now.

Oh, Annie and I are together. I know it's a bit soon, but I REALLY like her. A lot. We haven't been together for very long, but I am falling for her, hard. I know I love her, but I'm afraid to tell her...even though we were best friends for months before we started dating. I'm such a fucking chicken about shit like that. I'm still kind of afraid of getting into a new relationship already, but it's exciting at the same time. Annie is an amazing person, and I'm lucky to have her.

Hmmm, what else? Oh, school sucks. I'm sticking with it, but I still hate it. I have a test on Thursday and I have over two hundred fucking pages to read before then. Probably about 250. I'm behind on reading because I procrastinate, bad. Plus I have ADD but I'm obviously not going to take anything like Adderall, or any other "controlled substance". I know it will be worth it in the end, but right now I hate it.

I guess that's enough for now. Sorry, that was long.
xxmadsenxx: (Default)
I'm really bothered right now.

I found out that Jenny tried cocaine about a week and a half ago, while I was gone. I can't get mad at her for it, because then I'd be a hypocrite. I rarely do any drugs at all anymore (with the exception of smoking pot occasionally), but from time to time, I'm not going to lie...I'll slip up and do something. But it's not a habit anymore. It was once, but it's not now. I did way too many drugs when I was younger, and I've seen firsthand what they can do to people.

She has an addictive personality, and that's part of why I'm so bothered by it. I don't want it to become a habit. Plus she has eating issues, and she said that it made her not even want to eat, so I'm afraid she may do it more because of that.

She knows it bothers me. I tend to get quiet and not talk much when I'm bothered by something, so I haven't talked to her about it very much.

But it bothers me. A lot.

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