(no subject)

Geez, I really need to sign in to this thing more often. Everything is still great, but I'm just busy all the time. Between work, school, my internship, Jenny, and of course my son, I have hardly any free time anymore. The only "me time" I get is late at night.

Evan turned 4 on February 11th. He has grown up so fast! It's crazy how time flies. I suppose I'm a bit biased, but he is such a great kid. I'm so lucky to have him.

Jenny is still doing well, and as of two weeks ago she has been clean for 18 months. Speaking of sobriety, I'll hit the 3 year mark in a week and a half!

I am really happy to be with Jenny again, now that she's back to her old self. I'm still a bit wary about it though. It's hard not to be. I've been on a Beatles kick lately, and the song "Girl" makes me think of Jenny. Specifically the first two verses:

Is there anybody going to listen to my story
All about the girl who came to stay?
She's the kind of girl you want so much
It makes you sorry
Still you don't regret a single day.
Ah girl
Girl...

When I think of all the times I've tried so hard to leave her
She will turn to me and start to cry
And she promises the earth to me
And I believe her
After all this time I don't know why
Ah girl
Girl...

It fits so well. I have never stopped loving her, even though I wished I could for so long. I think that was probably pretty obvious to everyone, including everyone here. When we first reconciled I was extremely guarded, and I was trying to not fall so hard again so fast, but I couldn't help it. Like I said, I have never stopped loving her, but it had died down...I don't really know how to explain it. I had moved on for the most part, but not entirely. At first I kept telling myself to keep my distance, but I couldn't help myself, and now I'm whipped again. I am so in love with her. I just hope it doesn't make me sorry again.

I guess a lot of my walls have come down, but not all of them. I still have a lot of reservations, and she knows that; not only from what I have told her, but also from what she has observed. Of course I'm not cold toward her...I'm anything but. I'm just not ready to fully trust her yet, and I won't be ready to for a long time. It's going to take quite a while for her to regain my trust, and for me to let down my guard. She has told me multiple times that our divorce was the biggest mistake of her life. I wrote about her telling me that when she was still in rehab, and she has said it many times since then. She has apologized profusely, not only for what ended our marriage, but also for all the shit that has happened since then. She has said over and over and over that I'm the love of her life and she basically "promises the earth to me", and I believe her...until logic kicks in. The whole head vs. heart thing.

I'm just afraid, I guess. I think that's pretty understandable. She completely broke my heart, and I never want to be crushed like that again. I have had a few heartbreaks in the past, but NOTHING like that. I don't want to go through that again, and I don't want to put Evan through it. I want him to have stability in his life, and I'm afraid that she'll shake things up again. Things are great right now, but I worry that it might change. I want to protect him, and I want to protect myself. It's just hard, because I have no way of knowing if this is going to last, or if everything will go crazy and fall apart again. I can't be sure that she won't fuck me over again, but I love her, so I'm giving it another chance. It's just scary. So far, so good though. I'm very happy about that. Love is dangerous, but so amazing at the same time.