![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
xxmadsenxxEver since I wrote that entry about my former girlfriends, Nikki has been on my mind. We had the most fucked up relationship. Since I've been thinking about her so much, I might as well talk about it here. Maybe it will help me get her off my mind. Doubtful, but who knows. Some of this might be TMI. It's a little long, but there's a lot to tell.
Nikki was probably the girlfriend I loved the most, next to Jenny, of course. I love Jenny way more than I have ever loved anyone else, but Nikki was definitely second in that regard. Followed by Annie. I was head over heels for Cami, but I think a lot of it was infatuation. I was in love with Cami, but it wasn't "adult love". Anyway...I really loved Nikki. She was such a huge part of my life for a pretty good chunk of time. About three years. Some of this will be repeated information, since I talked about her in that entry about former girlfriends, but it's relevant, so I'll mention some of it again. I met her when I was 20. She was 23, and I thought I was cool for being with an older woman haha. We were inseparable from the night we met. I was SO drawn to her. She was gorgeous, and her sex appeal was absolutely insane. I really don't know how else to describe it. Everything about her just screamed sex, but not in a slutty way. Although we did have sex the night we met...but I don't think that necessarily makes her a slut (besides..it takes two). We just had so much sexual chemistry, right from the very beginning. I had never experienced anything like it before, and I haven't experienced anything quite like it since. It was indescribable.
We were together for a little over a year, before it turned into an on again off again thing. That was a REALLY fun year. It basically consisted of nothing but drinking, drugs, and sex. I said this in my previous entry, but it was some of the best sex I have ever had in my life. Don't get me wrong, it's amazing with Jenny. But it was different with Nikki. Not necessarily better, just different. Nikki was a lot more sexually adventurous, and it was pretty exhilarating. Our relationship was incredibly passionate, but I'm sure a lot of that was due to the fact that we were coked out all the time. Drug-heavy relationships tend to have a type of passion you don't really get with other relationships. It's all because of the drugs, of course. I wouldn't say that relationships like that are more passionate, but they're a different kind of passionate. Another one of those things I don't really know how to describe. It was just a really intense relationship. We spent all day, every day together. I wasn't working at the time. I mostly just mooched off my mom. I shouldn't have, because she didn't really have the money, but she always gave it to me. I didn't even have to ask. My coke habit was almost entirely supported by Nikki, since she dealt it. So I just didn't work, because I didn't feel the need to. I'm not saying that was the right thing to do, because it wasn't. But I didn't care at the time...it worked out perfectly for me. I just spent all my time doing drugs, drinking, having sex, playing in my band, and going to punk shows. I was loving life. I had no responsibilities, and I loved it.
Nikki and I talked about getting married. We were never officially engaged, but we talked about it quite a bit. We said we were going to go to Vegas and elope when I turned 21, but we didn't. My 21st birthday came and went, and we still talked about it but never actually did it. Thank God. If I would have married her, I would probably still be using...if not dead. We ended up breaking up after we had been together for about 15 months. Maybe 16. I don't know, it was something like that. Anyway...Nikki messed around with the bassist from my band. To my knowledge they didn't actually have sex, but they did everything else. Whether or not she told me the truth, who knows...but I'm assuming that she did, since she came clean about it and told me the details. I broke up with her. I confronted my bassist and it turned into a fight. I was about to punch him, but then he swung at me first, so of course I swung back. He pulled a knife, like the little bitch he is. I knocked it out of his hand and broke his nose. He wasn't in the band anymore after that, haha. Nikki apologized profusely, and we got back together a few days later. Things were never the same though. We fought a lot, and we'd break up and then get back together all the time. We continued sleeping together whether we were actually together or not, so it didn't really make sense for us to keep breaking up, since we were still with each other all the time, doing the same thing we'd be doing if we were together.
It was off and on for about nine months. Then we got back together, and stayed that way for about six months. Then the fighting started again, and we broke up and didn't see each other at all for about two months. We finally talked again, and quickly got back together. About a month after that, Nikki told me she was pregnant. Then she told me it wasn't mine. She said she'd known for a couple weeks, and that it happened during the last month or so that we were apart. I was beyond devastated. I was at a really bad place in my life, and the crazy relationship problems in addition to all the drugs and alcohol didn't help. When she told me that, it threw me over the edge. I actually contemplated suicide, and had a plan for it. But then I thought about my mom. She had already lost my twin brother just a few years earlier, and I didn't want to put her through that again. So I didn't do it. About a week later Nikki had an abortion. She cried to me non-stop, begging me to take her back. I was stupid and got back with her. She told me she was sorry over and over again, and started saying that she still wanted to get married. I had my doubts though, and we were constantly fighting.
After we had been back together for about four months, a bunch of her coke and a bunch of my money went missing. She accused me of stealing a half pound of cocaine from her, which I didn't. First of all, I never would have stolen from her. Second of all, I was with her all the time...if I had taken it, it would have been extremely obvious. Right after her coke went missing, I had $1800 disappear. It was stupid of me to keep that much cash in the house...ESPECIALLY with that many people coming in and out because of the drugs. I assumed that whoever took her coke also took my money, but I was wrong. Nikki confessed to taking it. She admitted that she didn't really think I stole the coke, but took my money "just in case." I flipped the fuck out. We got into a huge fight and I packed my shit and left. That was the last straw. I never talked to her again. So that's how it ended.
Nikki did a lot of fucked up things, but I forgive her. If it weren't for all the drugs, I don't think she would have done all that stuff. Despite all the shit she pulled, I was very much in love with her. I really hope she's alive and well. If she is, I wonder what she's doing with her life now. I wish I could find out, but I'm not in contact with anyone from that period of my life anymore. I can't stand the thought of her ODing and dying like so many other people I knew from back in the day. Thinking about them makes me realize how lucky I am to still be here. I easily could have had the same fate as those friends and my brother, but I guess I was lucky. I really hope she was as lucky. I hope she got out of that scene and quit all the drugs.
My breakup with Nikki was one of the most painful experiences of my life. My brother Jeremy's death and my divorce were obviously a lot worse, but the breakup with Nikki was definitely up there on the list. If I had to rank the worst experiences of my life, my brother's death would be first, my divorce from Jenny would be second, and my breakup with Nikki would be third. It was really hard, but now I'm glad it happened. I probably wouldn't have quit drinking and doing drugs if I'd stayed with her, and I never would have met Jenny and had my son. So breaking up with Nikki was for the best, and I'm really glad it happened. It was a blessing in disguise.
Well that was a nice trip down memory lane...
Nikki was probably the girlfriend I loved the most, next to Jenny, of course. I love Jenny way more than I have ever loved anyone else, but Nikki was definitely second in that regard. Followed by Annie. I was head over heels for Cami, but I think a lot of it was infatuation. I was in love with Cami, but it wasn't "adult love". Anyway...I really loved Nikki. She was such a huge part of my life for a pretty good chunk of time. About three years. Some of this will be repeated information, since I talked about her in that entry about former girlfriends, but it's relevant, so I'll mention some of it again. I met her when I was 20. She was 23, and I thought I was cool for being with an older woman haha. We were inseparable from the night we met. I was SO drawn to her. She was gorgeous, and her sex appeal was absolutely insane. I really don't know how else to describe it. Everything about her just screamed sex, but not in a slutty way. Although we did have sex the night we met...but I don't think that necessarily makes her a slut (besides..it takes two). We just had so much sexual chemistry, right from the very beginning. I had never experienced anything like it before, and I haven't experienced anything quite like it since. It was indescribable.
We were together for a little over a year, before it turned into an on again off again thing. That was a REALLY fun year. It basically consisted of nothing but drinking, drugs, and sex. I said this in my previous entry, but it was some of the best sex I have ever had in my life. Don't get me wrong, it's amazing with Jenny. But it was different with Nikki. Not necessarily better, just different. Nikki was a lot more sexually adventurous, and it was pretty exhilarating. Our relationship was incredibly passionate, but I'm sure a lot of that was due to the fact that we were coked out all the time. Drug-heavy relationships tend to have a type of passion you don't really get with other relationships. It's all because of the drugs, of course. I wouldn't say that relationships like that are more passionate, but they're a different kind of passionate. Another one of those things I don't really know how to describe. It was just a really intense relationship. We spent all day, every day together. I wasn't working at the time. I mostly just mooched off my mom. I shouldn't have, because she didn't really have the money, but she always gave it to me. I didn't even have to ask. My coke habit was almost entirely supported by Nikki, since she dealt it. So I just didn't work, because I didn't feel the need to. I'm not saying that was the right thing to do, because it wasn't. But I didn't care at the time...it worked out perfectly for me. I just spent all my time doing drugs, drinking, having sex, playing in my band, and going to punk shows. I was loving life. I had no responsibilities, and I loved it.
Nikki and I talked about getting married. We were never officially engaged, but we talked about it quite a bit. We said we were going to go to Vegas and elope when I turned 21, but we didn't. My 21st birthday came and went, and we still talked about it but never actually did it. Thank God. If I would have married her, I would probably still be using...if not dead. We ended up breaking up after we had been together for about 15 months. Maybe 16. I don't know, it was something like that. Anyway...Nikki messed around with the bassist from my band. To my knowledge they didn't actually have sex, but they did everything else. Whether or not she told me the truth, who knows...but I'm assuming that she did, since she came clean about it and told me the details. I broke up with her. I confronted my bassist and it turned into a fight. I was about to punch him, but then he swung at me first, so of course I swung back. He pulled a knife, like the little bitch he is. I knocked it out of his hand and broke his nose. He wasn't in the band anymore after that, haha. Nikki apologized profusely, and we got back together a few days later. Things were never the same though. We fought a lot, and we'd break up and then get back together all the time. We continued sleeping together whether we were actually together or not, so it didn't really make sense for us to keep breaking up, since we were still with each other all the time, doing the same thing we'd be doing if we were together.
It was off and on for about nine months. Then we got back together, and stayed that way for about six months. Then the fighting started again, and we broke up and didn't see each other at all for about two months. We finally talked again, and quickly got back together. About a month after that, Nikki told me she was pregnant. Then she told me it wasn't mine. She said she'd known for a couple weeks, and that it happened during the last month or so that we were apart. I was beyond devastated. I was at a really bad place in my life, and the crazy relationship problems in addition to all the drugs and alcohol didn't help. When she told me that, it threw me over the edge. I actually contemplated suicide, and had a plan for it. But then I thought about my mom. She had already lost my twin brother just a few years earlier, and I didn't want to put her through that again. So I didn't do it. About a week later Nikki had an abortion. She cried to me non-stop, begging me to take her back. I was stupid and got back with her. She told me she was sorry over and over again, and started saying that she still wanted to get married. I had my doubts though, and we were constantly fighting.
After we had been back together for about four months, a bunch of her coke and a bunch of my money went missing. She accused me of stealing a half pound of cocaine from her, which I didn't. First of all, I never would have stolen from her. Second of all, I was with her all the time...if I had taken it, it would have been extremely obvious. Right after her coke went missing, I had $1800 disappear. It was stupid of me to keep that much cash in the house...ESPECIALLY with that many people coming in and out because of the drugs. I assumed that whoever took her coke also took my money, but I was wrong. Nikki confessed to taking it. She admitted that she didn't really think I stole the coke, but took my money "just in case." I flipped the fuck out. We got into a huge fight and I packed my shit and left. That was the last straw. I never talked to her again. So that's how it ended.
Nikki did a lot of fucked up things, but I forgive her. If it weren't for all the drugs, I don't think she would have done all that stuff. Despite all the shit she pulled, I was very much in love with her. I really hope she's alive and well. If she is, I wonder what she's doing with her life now. I wish I could find out, but I'm not in contact with anyone from that period of my life anymore. I can't stand the thought of her ODing and dying like so many other people I knew from back in the day. Thinking about them makes me realize how lucky I am to still be here. I easily could have had the same fate as those friends and my brother, but I guess I was lucky. I really hope she was as lucky. I hope she got out of that scene and quit all the drugs.
My breakup with Nikki was one of the most painful experiences of my life. My brother Jeremy's death and my divorce were obviously a lot worse, but the breakup with Nikki was definitely up there on the list. If I had to rank the worst experiences of my life, my brother's death would be first, my divorce from Jenny would be second, and my breakup with Nikki would be third. It was really hard, but now I'm glad it happened. I probably wouldn't have quit drinking and doing drugs if I'd stayed with her, and I never would have met Jenny and had my son. So breaking up with Nikki was for the best, and I'm really glad it happened. It was a blessing in disguise.
Well that was a nice trip down memory lane...
