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Testing Myself
Feb. 27th, 2012 11:22 pmI purposely put myself in a really stupid, risky situation tonight. I think I was testing myself. I didn't set out with the goal of testing myself or anything, but I think that's what I was doing.
A while ago I heard that this band I knew from way back in the day were coming here. One of my old bands played with them quite a bit, and I used to party with them whenever our bands were in the same town, which actually happened pretty often. I was in this particular band from the time I was 22 or 23 to 26 or 27. I haven't seen the guys in this band since I left my band almost six years ago. Anyway, I heard a few weeks ago that they would be coming here, but I originally decided not to go. I knew I shouldn't go because these are people I used to drink and do a bunch of coke with. I didn't really want to be reminded of that, so I decided not go. Then today, I changed my mind. I didn't really think about it. I just thought, "Fuck it, I need to get away," and went.
( Bar show with old drug buddies. Not my greatest idea ever. )
Tonight was really weird, in so many ways. It was both good and bad. I could have gone without having a baggy of coke flashed in my face though. That was REALLY hard. Now that I think about it, I'm actually pretty amazed that I was able to stay and even sit next to him for an hour after seeing cocaine right in front of me. I'm surprised I didn't just bolt out of there. That probably would have been the best thing to do (and it's what I normally would do), but I'm surprised that I was strong enough to sit there, KNOWING it was there. I'm also really surprised that I'm not having cravings right now. I was having slight cravings for coke and alcohol right before I went to the show, and they were pretty strong during the show. When Burnsie pulled out that baggy, they were insanely strong. I wanted it SO bad. But at the same time, I really DIDN'T want it. Seeing those guys just reminded me of how much I don't want to be like them.
I may have put myself through a stupid test, but at least I passed.
A while ago I heard that this band I knew from way back in the day were coming here. One of my old bands played with them quite a bit, and I used to party with them whenever our bands were in the same town, which actually happened pretty often. I was in this particular band from the time I was 22 or 23 to 26 or 27. I haven't seen the guys in this band since I left my band almost six years ago. Anyway, I heard a few weeks ago that they would be coming here, but I originally decided not to go. I knew I shouldn't go because these are people I used to drink and do a bunch of coke with. I didn't really want to be reminded of that, so I decided not go. Then today, I changed my mind. I didn't really think about it. I just thought, "Fuck it, I need to get away," and went.
( Bar show with old drug buddies. Not my greatest idea ever. )
Tonight was really weird, in so many ways. It was both good and bad. I could have gone without having a baggy of coke flashed in my face though. That was REALLY hard. Now that I think about it, I'm actually pretty amazed that I was able to stay and even sit next to him for an hour after seeing cocaine right in front of me. I'm surprised I didn't just bolt out of there. That probably would have been the best thing to do (and it's what I normally would do), but I'm surprised that I was strong enough to sit there, KNOWING it was there. I'm also really surprised that I'm not having cravings right now. I was having slight cravings for coke and alcohol right before I went to the show, and they were pretty strong during the show. When Burnsie pulled out that baggy, they were insanely strong. I wanted it SO bad. But at the same time, I really DIDN'T want it. Seeing those guys just reminded me of how much I don't want to be like them.
I may have put myself through a stupid test, but at least I passed.
