Nov. 30th, 2011

xxmadsenxx: (Default)
For some reason I've been thinking about my dad tonight. It's pretty late, but I'm not tired at all. It's giving me too much time to think. I don't know why he popped into my head. I fucking hate him.

He was such an asshole. I could kill him for the way he treated my mom. He treated me and my siblings like shit, too...but especially me and Jeremy. He hated us before we were even born. The story of my birth is pretty fucked up. I am SO excited for my baby to get here. I seriously, for the life of me, cannot understand how he could be so hateful toward two little babies. It started as soon as my mom found out she was having twins. He didn't like the idea of having twins, and he took it out on my mom. He didn't hit her (while she was pregnant), but he was extremely emotionally abusive. Anyway, here's the fucked up story of my birth and another incident that happened when I was an infant, as told to me by my mother.

Jeremy and I were born three-and-a-half weeks early. My mom developed pre-eclampsia and had to have an emergency C-section. We were small, but we were okay. They kept us in the NICU for a few days to be safe though. My dad blamed my mom for our early births. A few hours after we were born, he told her she was "a sorry excuse for a woman, because she couldn’t even keep the buns in the oven until they were done." Like that was her fault. The next afternoon, he started in on my mom again. He was yelling so loud that a few nurses came to the room and told him he had to leave, or they’d call security. So he left, but not without a scene, of course. He yelled profanities the whole way out. My mom, who had given birth less than 24 hours earlier, was left alone and crying in her hospital room.

From the time they brought us home from the hospital, my dad was uninvolved in taking care of us. My mom had to take care of newborn twins and a toddler by herself, while my dad sat around getting drunk. His drinking got worse and worse, and he got meaner and meaner.
When Jeremy and I were about two months old, he gave my mom a black eye because we were crying in the middle of the night. He said, "You’d better shut those brats up, or I’ll give them a reason to cry." She told him that we just needed to be fed, and asked him not to say things like that. His response was a fist in her face, followed by "I’ll say whatever the fuck I want. Start feeding them before they start fussing from now on. Set a timer or something. I don’t care. I just don’t want to hear it."

I just don't get it. How could he have that much hostility toward two helpless, innocent little infants? And I HATE that he treated my mom like that. He was even worse to me and my brothers, but especially me and my twin, like I said before. Well, worse in some ways. He went after us (physically and verbally) the most. He was emotionally abusive to my sister, but at least he never hit her. He'd hit me and my brothers though. He never completely beat the shit out of us, but he was physically abusive. Well, he tried to beat the shit out of me when I was like 14 or 15. I got a few punches in, but I couldn't completely fight him off at that age...I mean, I was in 9th grade, and he was a full-grown man. Fucking ridiculous. Jeremy heard us fighting, so he ran into the room and pulled my dad off of me. Then the two of us went at him. So my dad ended up being the one who got the beating. Served him right. A few months later, he tried attacking both of us, and my older brother stepped in and defended us against him. My brother and I got in quite a few fist fights with my dad as I got older. Then he started backing off, once he realized Jeremy and I were capable of kicking his ass. By then we were both a few inches taller than him and stronger than he was, and we could do a lot more than just hold our own. So for the last year or two that he was around, he quit hitting us. He was still extremely emotionally abusive though. My dad's emotional and psychological abuse was worse than the physical abuse. For sure. I think that's what fucked us all up so badly.

I really don't understand it. I love my son more than anything, and I can't wait for my daughter to get here. I'm extremely happy and excited about her. I love being a dad more than anything in the world. How can you just not love your kids and treat them that way? What pisses me off the most about him is that he didn't even come to Jeremy's funeral. How do you not go to your own kid's fucking funeral? No parent should ever have to lose a child (although I highly doubt he cared), but in the event that it did happen, I can't imagine any other parent just not going to the funeral. It's not like he didn't know about it. He did. He left us about two and a half years before Jeremy died, but he knew about his death and the funeral. His sister told him. But he didn't even fucking show up. I will NEVER forgive him for that. Well, he died a few years ago, but I still won't ever forgive him.

I could never treat Jenny (or any other woman for that matter) the way he treated my mom.No way in HELL. He was so mean to her. He turned her into a shell of a person. She's better now, but it really messed her up for a long time. I could never emotionally abuse a woman or a child like that. And I certainly could never physically abuse them. That is just so fucked up. I can't even imagine doing that. I would NEVER hit a woman or a child. Not in a million years. And I would never emotionally and psychologically beat them down, either.

I know I can be an asshole sometimes. But I'm never even close to emotionally abusive. Jenny and I fight sometimes, and I can definitely be a jerk when we fight or if I'm extremely upset about something (just like how she can be a bitch sometimes), but I never make low blows or say anything that could psychologically damage her. I would never do that to her. You don't treat people you love like that. For that matter, you shouldn't treat ANYONE like that. I am NEVER mean to Evan. Nowhere near it. I don't want to be anything like my dad. I learned what NOT to do from him. Evan means the world to me. I know I'm a good dad. And overall, I'm a really good boyfriend/fiance/husband/whatever. My dad was everything I never want to be, and aside from the addiction thing, I think I've done a pretty damn good job of not being anything like him.

God, I hate him.

Anyway...I'm still really happy about everything right now. I'm not upset or anything. Maybe a little pissed off after thinking about him, but nothing too bad. He's not worth getting upset over. I just started thinking about him for some reason and I wanted to get it out.
xxmadsenxx: (Default)
I'm having one of those minor alcohol cravings, where I don't want to get drunk or anything...I'm just craving a drink. For the taste of it, I guess. It's not really bothering me...it's not that type of craving. For some reason a beer sounds really good right now. I'm not depressed. I'm not upset. I don't want it for some emotional reason. I just feel like having one. Just one beer. But I can't stop at one drink, so of course I won't have one. There's a no alcohol rule in my house, so it's not like there's any around anyway. Well, even if that rule wasn't in place, there wouldn't be any here right now anyway; Jenny is pregnant, and B can't drink for the same reason I can't (plus he's 17). But even when my older brother lived with me, there was no alcohol allowed in the house. At all. Just having it here would be way too tempting. And if there was whiskey in the house? Fuck that. It would be REALLY hard for me to resist it. That was my drink. Damn, now I could really go for a Jack and Coke. I'll settle for a plain old Diet Coke though. Aspartame is better than alcohol haha.

I forgot to go buy cigarettes today. Now I'm stuck with the few non-menthol ones I have left. I'm sure the only reason I even have any left is because I don't like them. Oh well. Whatever. Better than nothing.

I made one of those Christmas countdown paper chains with Evan today. The ones where you make chain links out of construction paper that alternate between red and green, and you tear one off each day of December until Christmas. My mom used to make them with us when we were little. He enjoyed it. He's also excited about his chocolate Advent calendar that he gets to start using tomorrow. I used to love those. I should have gotten myself one haha. You're never too old for a daily dose of chocolate!

The Christmas countdown thing just reminded me of something. One year, when I was like 18, my brother, my friends and I did this thing we called the Cocktail Countdown to Christmas. We made this giant poster with a different drink and the recipe or whatever you want to call it for each day in December. Well, each day until Christmas. Christmas was the "all you can drink" day haha. We had a shit load of stuff that day. Pretty much every type of alcohol you can get. I got so fucked up that Christmas, after I was done with my family stuff. That night was crazy. Anyway, each day we'd make the designated daily cocktail, and then cross off that date with a Sharpie. It was a pretty fun countdown.

Time for a Diet Coke and a cigarette. Two of the things I love most, haha. Just for the hell of it, and because I'm kinda bored, here's a list of the things I love most, off the top of my head. These things are in no particular order (but of course my family is what I love the very most):

- Evan and the new baby
- Jenny
- B
- My mom, my siblings, and the rest of my family
- My friends
- Cigarettes
- Diet Coke
- Guitar
- Music in general
- Naps
- Sex (regardless of my bitching lately haha)
- Kissing (Sex aside. And Jenny is an AMAZING kisser. Seriously, amazing. I could kiss her all day, with or without sex. Ok, now I sound lame. I'll shut up about that.)
- Coffee
- Chocolate
- Ice cream
- Pizza
- Free time
- Technology, because without forms of technological entertainment I'd be bored as hell a lot of the time.

That's all I can think of right now. Pointless list, I know. But it killed a couple minutes.

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