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My asshole dad
Nov. 30th, 2011 12:46 amFor some reason I've been thinking about my dad tonight. It's pretty late, but I'm not tired at all. It's giving me too much time to think. I don't know why he popped into my head. I fucking hate him.
He was such an asshole. I could kill him for the way he treated my mom. He treated me and my siblings like shit, too...but especially me and Jeremy. He hated us before we were even born. The story of my birth is pretty fucked up. I am SO excited for my baby to get here. I seriously, for the life of me, cannot understand how he could be so hateful toward two little babies. It started as soon as my mom found out she was having twins. He didn't like the idea of having twins, and he took it out on my mom. He didn't hit her (while she was pregnant), but he was extremely emotionally abusive. Anyway, here's the fucked up story of my birth and another incident that happened when I was an infant, as told to me by my mother.
Jeremy and I were born three-and-a-half weeks early. My mom developed pre-eclampsia and had to have an emergency C-section. We were small, but we were okay. They kept us in the NICU for a few days to be safe though. My dad blamed my mom for our early births. A few hours after we were born, he told her she was "a sorry excuse for a woman, because she couldn’t even keep the buns in the oven until they were done." Like that was her fault. The next afternoon, he started in on my mom again. He was yelling so loud that a few nurses came to the room and told him he had to leave, or they’d call security. So he left, but not without a scene, of course. He yelled profanities the whole way out. My mom, who had given birth less than 24 hours earlier, was left alone and crying in her hospital room.
From the time they brought us home from the hospital, my dad was uninvolved in taking care of us. My mom had to take care of newborn twins and a toddler by herself, while my dad sat around getting drunk. His drinking got worse and worse, and he got meaner and meaner.
When Jeremy and I were about two months old, he gave my mom a black eye because we were crying in the middle of the night. He said, "You’d better shut those brats up, or I’ll give them a reason to cry." She told him that we just needed to be fed, and asked him not to say things like that. His response was a fist in her face, followed by "I’ll say whatever the fuck I want. Start feeding them before they start fussing from now on. Set a timer or something. I don’t care. I just don’t want to hear it."
I just don't get it. How could he have that much hostility toward two helpless, innocent little infants? And I HATE that he treated my mom like that. He was even worse to me and my brothers, but especially me and my twin, like I said before. Well, worse in some ways. He went after us (physically and verbally) the most. He was emotionally abusive to my sister, but at least he never hit her. He'd hit me and my brothers though. He never completely beat the shit out of us, but he was physically abusive. Well, he tried to beat the shit out of me when I was like 14 or 15. I got a few punches in, but I couldn't completely fight him off at that age...I mean, I was in 9th grade, and he was a full-grown man. Fucking ridiculous. Jeremy heard us fighting, so he ran into the room and pulled my dad off of me. Then the two of us went at him. So my dad ended up being the one who got the beating. Served him right. A few months later, he tried attacking both of us, and my older brother stepped in and defended us against him. My brother and I got in quite a few fist fights with my dad as I got older. Then he started backing off, once he realized Jeremy and I were capable of kicking his ass. By then we were both a few inches taller than him and stronger than he was, and we could do a lot more than just hold our own. So for the last year or two that he was around, he quit hitting us. He was still extremely emotionally abusive though. My dad's emotional and psychological abuse was worse than the physical abuse. For sure. I think that's what fucked us all up so badly.
I really don't understand it. I love my son more than anything, and I can't wait for my daughter to get here. I'm extremely happy and excited about her. I love being a dad more than anything in the world. How can you just not love your kids and treat them that way? What pisses me off the most about him is that he didn't even come to Jeremy's funeral. How do you not go to your own kid's fucking funeral? No parent should ever have to lose a child (although I highly doubt he cared), but in the event that it did happen, I can't imagine any other parent just not going to the funeral. It's not like he didn't know about it. He did. He left us about two and a half years before Jeremy died, but he knew about his death and the funeral. His sister told him. But he didn't even fucking show up. I will NEVER forgive him for that. Well, he died a few years ago, but I still won't ever forgive him.
I could never treat Jenny (or any other woman for that matter) the way he treated my mom.No way in HELL. He was so mean to her. He turned her into a shell of a person. She's better now, but it really messed her up for a long time. I could never emotionally abuse a woman or a child like that. And I certainly could never physically abuse them. That is just so fucked up. I can't even imagine doing that. I would NEVER hit a woman or a child. Not in a million years. And I would never emotionally and psychologically beat them down, either.
I know I can be an asshole sometimes. But I'm never even close to emotionally abusive. Jenny and I fight sometimes, and I can definitely be a jerk when we fight or if I'm extremely upset about something (just like how she can be a bitch sometimes), but I never make low blows or say anything that could psychologically damage her. I would never do that to her. You don't treat people you love like that. For that matter, you shouldn't treat ANYONE like that. I am NEVER mean to Evan. Nowhere near it. I don't want to be anything like my dad. I learned what NOT to do from him. Evan means the world to me. I know I'm a good dad. And overall, I'm a really good boyfriend/fiance/husband/whatever. My dad was everything I never want to be, and aside from the addiction thing, I think I've done a pretty damn good job of not being anything like him.
God, I hate him.
Anyway...I'm still really happy about everything right now. I'm not upset or anything. Maybe a little pissed off after thinking about him, but nothing too bad. He's not worth getting upset over. I just started thinking about him for some reason and I wanted to get it out.
He was such an asshole. I could kill him for the way he treated my mom. He treated me and my siblings like shit, too...but especially me and Jeremy. He hated us before we were even born. The story of my birth is pretty fucked up. I am SO excited for my baby to get here. I seriously, for the life of me, cannot understand how he could be so hateful toward two little babies. It started as soon as my mom found out she was having twins. He didn't like the idea of having twins, and he took it out on my mom. He didn't hit her (while she was pregnant), but he was extremely emotionally abusive. Anyway, here's the fucked up story of my birth and another incident that happened when I was an infant, as told to me by my mother.
Jeremy and I were born three-and-a-half weeks early. My mom developed pre-eclampsia and had to have an emergency C-section. We were small, but we were okay. They kept us in the NICU for a few days to be safe though. My dad blamed my mom for our early births. A few hours after we were born, he told her she was "a sorry excuse for a woman, because she couldn’t even keep the buns in the oven until they were done." Like that was her fault. The next afternoon, he started in on my mom again. He was yelling so loud that a few nurses came to the room and told him he had to leave, or they’d call security. So he left, but not without a scene, of course. He yelled profanities the whole way out. My mom, who had given birth less than 24 hours earlier, was left alone and crying in her hospital room.
From the time they brought us home from the hospital, my dad was uninvolved in taking care of us. My mom had to take care of newborn twins and a toddler by herself, while my dad sat around getting drunk. His drinking got worse and worse, and he got meaner and meaner.
When Jeremy and I were about two months old, he gave my mom a black eye because we were crying in the middle of the night. He said, "You’d better shut those brats up, or I’ll give them a reason to cry." She told him that we just needed to be fed, and asked him not to say things like that. His response was a fist in her face, followed by "I’ll say whatever the fuck I want. Start feeding them before they start fussing from now on. Set a timer or something. I don’t care. I just don’t want to hear it."
I just don't get it. How could he have that much hostility toward two helpless, innocent little infants? And I HATE that he treated my mom like that. He was even worse to me and my brothers, but especially me and my twin, like I said before. Well, worse in some ways. He went after us (physically and verbally) the most. He was emotionally abusive to my sister, but at least he never hit her. He'd hit me and my brothers though. He never completely beat the shit out of us, but he was physically abusive. Well, he tried to beat the shit out of me when I was like 14 or 15. I got a few punches in, but I couldn't completely fight him off at that age...I mean, I was in 9th grade, and he was a full-grown man. Fucking ridiculous. Jeremy heard us fighting, so he ran into the room and pulled my dad off of me. Then the two of us went at him. So my dad ended up being the one who got the beating. Served him right. A few months later, he tried attacking both of us, and my older brother stepped in and defended us against him. My brother and I got in quite a few fist fights with my dad as I got older. Then he started backing off, once he realized Jeremy and I were capable of kicking his ass. By then we were both a few inches taller than him and stronger than he was, and we could do a lot more than just hold our own. So for the last year or two that he was around, he quit hitting us. He was still extremely emotionally abusive though. My dad's emotional and psychological abuse was worse than the physical abuse. For sure. I think that's what fucked us all up so badly.
I really don't understand it. I love my son more than anything, and I can't wait for my daughter to get here. I'm extremely happy and excited about her. I love being a dad more than anything in the world. How can you just not love your kids and treat them that way? What pisses me off the most about him is that he didn't even come to Jeremy's funeral. How do you not go to your own kid's fucking funeral? No parent should ever have to lose a child (although I highly doubt he cared), but in the event that it did happen, I can't imagine any other parent just not going to the funeral. It's not like he didn't know about it. He did. He left us about two and a half years before Jeremy died, but he knew about his death and the funeral. His sister told him. But he didn't even fucking show up. I will NEVER forgive him for that. Well, he died a few years ago, but I still won't ever forgive him.
I could never treat Jenny (or any other woman for that matter) the way he treated my mom.No way in HELL. He was so mean to her. He turned her into a shell of a person. She's better now, but it really messed her up for a long time. I could never emotionally abuse a woman or a child like that. And I certainly could never physically abuse them. That is just so fucked up. I can't even imagine doing that. I would NEVER hit a woman or a child. Not in a million years. And I would never emotionally and psychologically beat them down, either.
I know I can be an asshole sometimes. But I'm never even close to emotionally abusive. Jenny and I fight sometimes, and I can definitely be a jerk when we fight or if I'm extremely upset about something (just like how she can be a bitch sometimes), but I never make low blows or say anything that could psychologically damage her. I would never do that to her. You don't treat people you love like that. For that matter, you shouldn't treat ANYONE like that. I am NEVER mean to Evan. Nowhere near it. I don't want to be anything like my dad. I learned what NOT to do from him. Evan means the world to me. I know I'm a good dad. And overall, I'm a really good boyfriend/fiance/husband/whatever. My dad was everything I never want to be, and aside from the addiction thing, I think I've done a pretty damn good job of not being anything like him.
God, I hate him.
Anyway...I'm still really happy about everything right now. I'm not upset or anything. Maybe a little pissed off after thinking about him, but nothing too bad. He's not worth getting upset over. I just started thinking about him for some reason and I wanted to get it out.
