Back to Zero
Feb. 10th, 2012 09:17 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
xxmadsenxxWell, I made it almost 24 days without smoking. That’s longer than I’ve ever gone before. I have to start over from zero now. Ugh.
I haven’t written about this too much, but for the past week or so, I’ve been having a REALLY hard time not smoking. I’ve been kind of stressed, depressed, and anxious lately, so I’m sure that’s a huge part of it. The thing with B really made me want to smoke the other night, and sitting next to him while he smoked made me want to even more. I had a shitty day at work yesterday. Work has just been stressing me out lately. I fucking hate insurance companies. One company in particular is pissing me the fuck off, because they keep fucking up the stuff they expect us to process, QA, and all of that, and they keep sending it in late on top of that. Since I’m in charge of the bulk of that type of work, I have employees bitching about it to me. I don’t know what the fuck they expect me to do about it. So I had a pretty shitty day at work today, too. I think that’s the most I’ve ever talked about my job here haha. Besides my side job at the youth center. My “real job” isn’t worth talking about. It’s just pissing me off and adding to my stress level. The old pictures and conversation at my mom’s house just pushed me over the edge. The little things just build up. I wanted to have a cigarette right after that, but I didn’t. I wrote that entry here, and then watched TV for like an hour. Then I logged into my work e-mail, read an e-mail from one of our stupid fucking insurance clients, and it pissed me off. I’ll skip the boring details because they don’t matter, but that e-mail assured me that I’m going to have a really busy, stressful day at work on Monday. So that e-mail was kind of the straw that broke the camel’s back. I opened the window in my office, grabbed a pack of cigarettes, lit a candle (to hide the smell) and smoked a cigarette. I didn’t go into the garage to smoke it, because I didn’t want Jenny to see me. It’s not like she would have yelled at me or anything…I just didn’t want her questioning me about it. When I was done, I sprayed Febreeze all over to hide the smell even more. After a couple minutes, I went downstairs.
Jenny was sitting at the kitchen table looking through some baby clothes catalog. I went to get a Diet Coke, and she stood up, came over to me, and gave me a kiss. She said I looked stressed, and put her arms around me. When she pulled back, she asked if I’d been smoking and said I smelled like smoke (it had only been like three or four minutes since I smoked that cigarette). I told her I hadn’t been smoking, but she called me on it. I didn’t say anything in response, so then she said, “Why are you lying about it? I can smell it, Chris. B isn’t here, so you can’t blame it on him.” So I tried blaming it on the cat. For the record, blaming things on the cat never works. Never. So finally I admitted to it. She asked me if I was ok, I told her I’m fine. She asked if I wanted to talk, I said no. The cat walked up and meowed at me, so I grabbed her and told Jenny I was going back upstairs with my smoking buddy. She rolled her eyes at me and just said, “Make sure you two open a window, if you’re not going to go to the garage. And if you need to talk, I’m here for you.” I made the cat wave at her and went upstairs. So here I am, with my cat in my lap, and another cigarette.
I’m mad at myself for smoking. Really, I am. I shouldn’t be having another one. But I’m just so fucking stressed right now. I was so proud of myself for going so long without smoking, too. Now I’m just disappointed in myself. The disappointment on top of the stress, depression, and anxiety just makes me want to smoke even more. Dammit. I’ll try to quit again soon. Oh well. It's better to "relapse" on cigarettes than on anything else. I put it in quotation marks because I don't really think relapse is the word for it. I suppose it is, since it's still an addiction, but I don't know...it just doesn't seem like the right word to me. Maybe part of that is because it's a word I'd rather not use.
On a lighter note, tomorrow is Evan's 6th birthday. A bunch of his friends are coming over for a party tomorrow. That should be fun. It will be hectic, for sure. I can’t believe he’s that old already. He’s growing up so fast! It’s crazy.
I haven’t written about this too much, but for the past week or so, I’ve been having a REALLY hard time not smoking. I’ve been kind of stressed, depressed, and anxious lately, so I’m sure that’s a huge part of it. The thing with B really made me want to smoke the other night, and sitting next to him while he smoked made me want to even more. I had a shitty day at work yesterday. Work has just been stressing me out lately. I fucking hate insurance companies. One company in particular is pissing me the fuck off, because they keep fucking up the stuff they expect us to process, QA, and all of that, and they keep sending it in late on top of that. Since I’m in charge of the bulk of that type of work, I have employees bitching about it to me. I don’t know what the fuck they expect me to do about it. So I had a pretty shitty day at work today, too. I think that’s the most I’ve ever talked about my job here haha. Besides my side job at the youth center. My “real job” isn’t worth talking about. It’s just pissing me off and adding to my stress level. The old pictures and conversation at my mom’s house just pushed me over the edge. The little things just build up. I wanted to have a cigarette right after that, but I didn’t. I wrote that entry here, and then watched TV for like an hour. Then I logged into my work e-mail, read an e-mail from one of our stupid fucking insurance clients, and it pissed me off. I’ll skip the boring details because they don’t matter, but that e-mail assured me that I’m going to have a really busy, stressful day at work on Monday. So that e-mail was kind of the straw that broke the camel’s back. I opened the window in my office, grabbed a pack of cigarettes, lit a candle (to hide the smell) and smoked a cigarette. I didn’t go into the garage to smoke it, because I didn’t want Jenny to see me. It’s not like she would have yelled at me or anything…I just didn’t want her questioning me about it. When I was done, I sprayed Febreeze all over to hide the smell even more. After a couple minutes, I went downstairs.
Jenny was sitting at the kitchen table looking through some baby clothes catalog. I went to get a Diet Coke, and she stood up, came over to me, and gave me a kiss. She said I looked stressed, and put her arms around me. When she pulled back, she asked if I’d been smoking and said I smelled like smoke (it had only been like three or four minutes since I smoked that cigarette). I told her I hadn’t been smoking, but she called me on it. I didn’t say anything in response, so then she said, “Why are you lying about it? I can smell it, Chris. B isn’t here, so you can’t blame it on him.” So I tried blaming it on the cat. For the record, blaming things on the cat never works. Never. So finally I admitted to it. She asked me if I was ok, I told her I’m fine. She asked if I wanted to talk, I said no. The cat walked up and meowed at me, so I grabbed her and told Jenny I was going back upstairs with my smoking buddy. She rolled her eyes at me and just said, “Make sure you two open a window, if you’re not going to go to the garage. And if you need to talk, I’m here for you.” I made the cat wave at her and went upstairs. So here I am, with my cat in my lap, and another cigarette.
I’m mad at myself for smoking. Really, I am. I shouldn’t be having another one. But I’m just so fucking stressed right now. I was so proud of myself for going so long without smoking, too. Now I’m just disappointed in myself. The disappointment on top of the stress, depression, and anxiety just makes me want to smoke even more. Dammit. I’ll try to quit again soon. Oh well. It's better to "relapse" on cigarettes than on anything else. I put it in quotation marks because I don't really think relapse is the word for it. I suppose it is, since it's still an addiction, but I don't know...it just doesn't seem like the right word to me. Maybe part of that is because it's a word I'd rather not use.
On a lighter note, tomorrow is Evan's 6th birthday. A bunch of his friends are coming over for a party tomorrow. That should be fun. It will be hectic, for sure. I can’t believe he’s that old already. He’s growing up so fast! It’s crazy.
