xxmadsenxx: (Default)
I have been up for the past 20 hours or so. I can't sleep. I tried, but it's not going to happen. I realized that I hadn't written in this thing forever, and I thought it might help, so we'll see. Haha you guys probably don't even remember me.

Anyway...

I have fucked up. Royally.

Only click this if you really want to see how bad I fucked things up. Be prepared. It's long. I have four months of catching up to do. )
xxmadsenxx: (Default)
So, I got in a little fight with the wife tonight. I don't really know what started it. It wasn't a big deal or anything...everything will be fine tomorrow, but still...I hate fighting with her. Especially when I don't even know what the fuck we started fighting about in the first place.

Anyway...

Sorry for the lack of updates (and comments on your journals) once again. Things have been kind of hectic lately. Not quite sure why...but it has been.

I'm still clean, but it's still hard. Especially when shit like this happens. I have the urge to go get a drink, or two, or ten, right now. But I've come too far to do that. Not only that, but Jenny would kill me...and I don't really want to piss her off.

I hope all of you have been well...I'll try to keep up more often, sorry.
xxmadsenxx: (Default)
God. I just finished writing the last entry, and already I'm having to write another. I fear that if I get up right now, I'll do something I regret. I can't deal with this shit. I just can't. I get into a fight with Jenny because I don't want her purging while she's pregnant. Well I'm so fucking sorry. I guess I'm just a horrible person for caring what happens to her and the baby. I'm an asshole for "telling her what to do with her own body". Well excuse me...I think this involves me too. Fuck me for caring.

Fuck.

I'm feigning (sp?) right now. I don't even know what for. Coke. Alcohol. Both. No...mainly liquor. A shit load of liquor. God I don't know. I can't get up from this computer desk or I'll fuck this up even more. How fucked up are we? We're having a baby, we have her (our) four-year-old, and Jenny can't stop doing the shit she's doing, and I can't get past my fucking addiction? Pretty fucking pathetic.

I seriously need something. I can't handle this. I can't handle anything right now. I hope none of you ever have to deal with this shit...not being able to get through a given night without some sort of mind-altering substance. It's pathetic. I can't give in to it though. I have to stop this shit. I've been so good for the past...I don't know, month? Six weeks? I don't know how long ago I wrote that last one when I did it. Maybe it hasn't been as long as I thought. But it's been a while. Now if only I could cut down on the drinking. I need to go to AA meetings or something. It's the middle of the night and I'm sitting here, anxious as all hell, heart pounding, NEEDING something. Anything. It doesn't even really matter what it is. But I know I can't have it. I can't let myself have it. I won't.

Fuck. Now I'm just rambling.

I need a cigarette.

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xxmadsenxx

April 2013

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