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I need a pick-me-up, so why not do this? I'll even give myself TWO compliments!

1. I'm a really good dad.
2. I'm pretty fucking amazing at playing guitar.

I'm clearly very humble about that second one.
xxmadsenxx: (Default)
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No. You have to get to know someone before you can fall in love with them. I believe in infatuation at first sight though, and certainly lust at first sight. Lust at first sight happens all the time. Infatuation at first sight happens less often. Love at first sight can't happen. I was definitely infatuated with Jenny the first time I saw her.

I met Jenny at a party thrown by a girl named Candice, who turned out to be a mutual friend. A few of my friends and I were sitting at a table on the deck, drinking beer and talking. I was facing the door, and saw her for the first time through the glass. She was standing at the kitchen counter getting a drink. I was mesmerized. I couldn’t stop looking at her. She was laughing, but I couldn’t hear anything through the glass, so I didn’t know who she was talking to or what she was laughing about. All I knew was that I had to meet her. Once she had her drink, she turned and walked away in the other direction. I asked Candice who she was. She told me her name was Jenny, and that they went to high school together and had recently started hanging out again. I asked if she was single, and Candice told me that she was. I didn't really think I had a chance with her, but I figured it was worth a try. I HAD to meet her. Then she asked if I wanted her to introduce me. My response was, "Hell yes, I do!" I looked through the glass door again, hoping to catch another glimpse of her. Right then, I saw her walking our way toward the door.

She came outside, and sat down in the empty chair between me and the friend who threw the party. I was SO excited that she sat right next to me. I couldn't believe my luck. Candice turned to face Jenny and said, “Jenny, this is my friend Chris. You know everyone else,” and gestured to everyone else at the table. Jenny smiled at me and said, “Nice to meet you, Chris.” She stuck out her hand to shake mine, in a half-serious introductory way. I fumbled the beer I was holding in my right hand and almost spilled it, before successfully putting it down on the table and shaking her hand. She laughed and said, “Smooth move! Nice save, though!” I made an ass out of myself just seconds after meeting her. I felt like SUCH an idiot. I NEVER acted that way with girls. I was a bit of a ladies' man for quite a while, for lack of a better term, haha. I never got nervous like that. Certainly never nervous enough to fumble a drink. But when I met Jenny, I was pretty obviously nervous. Nervous enough to make a fool out of myself. I was seriously mesmerized by her from the moment I saw her. Not in love...infatuated.

Jenny stayed at the table with my friends and me. We all drank, talked, and joked around as a group. Throughout the night, she kept giving me flirty looks and smiles. After a while, she turned to me and asked me if I wanted to go get a drink with her. I told her I’d go get her one, but she smiled and said, “No. I want you to go get one with me.” She took my hand and led me inside. As I turned around to shut the door behind us, I saw Candice give me a thumbs-up sign. I was really nervous. I didn’t know why Jenny asked me to get a drink with her, instead of having me just get one for her, like I’d offered. I had no complaints though. I was thrilled that she asked me to go with her, and even more thrilled when she took me by the hand.

We ended up talking one-on-one for quite a while. She actually ended up asking me out. Well, first she put her number in my phone and told me to call her. Then she asked me if I wanted to hang out sometime. I was floored. I seriously couldn't believe that she asked me out. Of course I said yes. We went on a few dates and hung out for a while before we even kissed, so we were basically friends for a while first. Flirty friends, but friends. Actually, we were strictly friends for a few months before we started dating. We started out with a few dates but then switched to being just friends, since she was in the middle of a divorce and was stressed about it (although they had already been separated for nine months when we met, so it's not like she was cheating on him with me). But then we started dating and quickly became inseparable, and it just went from there.

I fell in love hard, fast. But not at first sight. I don't think love at first sight is possible. But with Jenny, it was about as close as you can get. I remember EVERYTHING from that night; what she was wearing, our entire conversation, everything. Every single detail. Thinking about that day gives me kind of a high. A natural high, so it's all good. It's nice to reminisce about things like that.

I'm so sappy lol. But that's nothing new. I had to go to work really early today, so I got off a few hours early. So writing sappy LJ entries is how I'm spending my time haha.
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If I had to give one up, I guess I'd give up friendship. I would never want to give up Jenny, and I could never give up my family. Jenny and my family mean the world to me. I love my friends, don't get me wrong. I have some amazing friends. But if I were forced to choose, I'd have to give them up.
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My South Park character. Seriously. It looks exactly like me. Actual person? I have no idea. Apparently my personality doppelganger is Chandler Bing, like I wrote about before, but physically? I don't know.

I can think of doppelgangers for girls I've dated, and for friends and stuff. But I can't for myself. I can't really for Jenny, either. Here are some though:

Nikki - Brody Dalle (Like I've mentioned a few times. Seriously. They look SO much alike.)
Annie - A way less annoying Katy Perry
Amber - An edgier Cameron from House. Kinda like Cameron with Gwen Stefani makeup haha. If only I'd dated a Thirteen...
My older brother, Travis - Mark from Blink 182 lol.
My best friend, Nick - Hyde from That 70s Show. Hahaha.
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Seasonal peppermint ice cream. They only have it in the winter. Other than that, nothing.

Ok, maybe Christmas too. Mostly because I have Evan now. Before that I was kind of a Scrooge lol.
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I only have two cigarettes left. I could go buy a pack, but I'm too lazy. It's not like it would take more than a few minutes, but I still don't want to. It's already midnight, it's freezing outside, and I don't feel like going anywhere. I want a cigarette now. Dammit. But I need one for the morning, before I go buy more. I am ornery as all hell in the morning if I don't get my coffee and morning cigarette ASAP. Seriously...I am not pleasant to be around if I don't get those two things right away lol. But I want one now. Ugh. Hmmm...I guess I'll just eat ice cream. Then maybe smoke a half of one, and half later tonight. I hate doing that, but it's a hell of a lot better than nothing.

I still have all of my wrapping to do. ALL of it. I haven't wrapped one damn thing. I seriously always wait until the last minute to do everything. Not just stuff for Christmas...just pretty much everything in general. Whenever I think about it, it's just like "Ugh, not right now...I'll do it later," and then "later" becomes last minute. I guess I can only blame so much of it on my ADD...but I'm still blaming some of it on that haha.

Hmmm...what else can I rant about? It's hot in here, but freezing outside. Jenny said she was cold though, so I'll just deal with the heat, I guess. I suppose this hoodie isn't helping the matter. Haha.

I broke a string on one of my guitars (the acoustic I play the most). Of course that's the ONE string I don't have any extras of, so I need to go buy more sometime soon. Oh well, I'll just play another one for the time being. Or just go get one tomorrow. Something tells me I'll forget though, and if I forget tomorrow I probably won't have time to do it until after Christmas. We'll see.

Oh, this isn't a rant...it's the opposite. But I'm posting it here anyway: No work until January 2nd! Hell yeah. I'm definitely excited about that. I love being able to take vacation like that. I'm surprised I have any left, after how much I've been staying home the past few months. Hahaha. That's the beauty of being able to (actually) work from home on occasion though, or "work" from home on other occasions haha. I still have to teach the class on Wednesday, December 28th, and I think I'll probably go work at the youth center for a few hours a couple times. But other than that, no work!
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- Put enough of it in the bank to completely cover all of my kids' college costs
- Pay off my house
- Take Jenny on a trip to anywhere in the world she wanted to go.
- Take my mom to Europe, because she has always wanted to see a few places in Europe and has never been. I plan on doing that someday anyway though. It won't be for quite a while, but someday. It will be a thank you present for everything she's done for me.
- Save enough to pay for grad school.
- Use the rest to open my own drug and alcohol treatment center, geared toward teenagers and young adults. I don't know how much money it would take to do that, but whatever was left after the first few things would certainly be enough to get it started. It wouldn't pay for all of it, but I could always find contributors after that.
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Two things:

1. Being clean and sober since March 2, 2007.
2. Being a dad (and a pretty good one at that, I think).

Both are huge accomplishments in my book. But #2 wouldn't have been possible without #1. I'm the type of addict who has to abstain from everything 100%. Sometimes it's REALLY hard, but it's so worth it. I have never stayed clean and sober for this long before, so I'm really proud of myself. It has taken A LOT of work, and that work is never done. I still struggle with it sometimes (as anyone who has ever read my LJ knows), but overall it has gotten easier with time. It's still not easy by any means, but over time I have learned to deal with it better. I still have plenty of work to do, especially with coping skills, but I have come a really long way. I finally decided I wanted to change for myself, because I didn't want to live that way anymore, but I also decided to change for my son.

If I were still using I wouldn't be capable of being a good dad. Honestly, you really can't be a good parent and an actively using addict at the same time. That's my opinion, anyway. I refused to be like my dad, so I changed. I want to give my son and future child the best life I can possibly give them, and in order to do that I have to stay clean. I pride myself on being a good parent. I'm not a perfect parent, but no parent is. I'm just trying to be the best parent I can be.

I could throw in another one and say that my third biggest accomplishment was finally graduating from college, because that was a huge accomplishment for me. It took me long enough. But the other two accomplishments are much bigger.
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I wish I had NEVER touched drugs. I think the "why" there is obvious...it fucked up my life in so many ways, as well as the lives of people close to me. My addiction(s) controlled me for over a decade, and I wish I could go back and change that. There's no point in ruminating though. No point in dwelling on it, because I can't change the past. It is what it is. I rose above it, and that's all that matters. Some good things came out of my drug and alcohol problems though...I had some life experiences I never would have had if I wasn't so into drugs. Some good, some bad. But whether they were good or bad, I learned from them. I wouldn't be the person I am now if I hadn't gone through all that shit, and for the first time in my life I'm happy with who I am and where I am. I also probably wouldn't have chosen to work with addicts if I hadn't been through it myself. I love it, and it's extremely rewarding. So I guess that's the wrong answer to the question, since I wouldn't change some of it.

Ok, a better answer: I would have physically stopped my brother from doing more heroin the day he ODed, which I wrote about last week. Nothing good came from that event. So that's the one thing I would change or undo. That's a better answer to the question. I'll leave it at that. No need to delve into that subject again here.

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