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Being really stressed tends to make me think about drinking and/or using...typically both. I fucking hate it. Jenny can always tell when I start craving something. I don't even have to tell her. I was sitting at the kitchen table with my laptop doing work shit way past when I should have been working. As in like, two and a half hours ago. She came over and sat at the table with me and asked if I was ok. I told her I was just stressed. She just flat out asked, "What are you craving right now? Take a break and talk to me about it." I asked her how she could tell I was having cravings, and she said, "Your mannerisms. The way you've been running your hands through your hair. The amount of cigarette breaks. I know you very well, Chris. I can tell. Please just talk to me about it." I shut my laptop and said I needed a cigarette, but that she could come out with me if she wanted to and I'd start talking to her about it. She pointed out that my hand was shaking while I was smoking. That's something that tends to happen with cravings. Jenny said, "You need to talk to your boss. You're working too much and too hard and all this stress is taking a toll on you. It's not healthy. I know you don't want to feel the way you're feeling right now, and I hate seeing you struggle like this. Please talk to your boss and figure something out. You can't keep going like this." I know she's right. its not good for me physically or mentally. Every day after work I come home and work some more. I don't really eat until Jenny reminds me to or makes me something and brings it to me. My insomnia is even worse because of the stress. It gives me anxiety, and the anxiety is what leads to the cravings. My company took on another client which is why I'm SO fucking busy. This happened after I agreed to help manage this other department, or I never would have done it. Now both my departments are even busier, and I can't fucking handle it without getting super stressed. If they don't let me hire another person for my own department and make someone kind of an assistant of sorts...like a supervisor, I can't fucking do it anymore. I'm pretty sure I still have time to get out of the contract for this other department. I don't want to get out of it necessarily, but if some changes aren't made I'll have to. I can't keep cramming 60 hours worth of work into a 40 hour work week. I just can't. I used to get everything done in about 35 hours, which gave me enough time for the youth center. Now it's so hard to even find time for that,so I'm not there very much, and that's not ok with me. But feeling like shit and being stressed and tired all the time isn't ok with me either...especially if it's going to cause me to have cravings. I'm not ok with that. I already have enough on my plate with work, kids, Jenny, our relationship counseling, and now the holidays. It's just not ok. I'm on my phone right now and I just noticed while holding it that I'm still a little shaky. I also just realized that I've only eaten once today. That probably has something to do with it.

 

I'm going to talk to my boss tomorrow. Putting it off won't help anything. My boss loves me and she has always been really accommodating and helpful, so I'm sure she'll do whatever she can to fix things. Thinking about talking to her about it tomorrow is making me even more anxious though. Ugh. Wish me luck.

 

Tomorrow Jenny and I are having a date night, so regardless of how tomorrow goes I'm not working late. It's nice knowing that, at least. I'm looking forward to it. One-on-one time with Jenny is always nice, but I really need it tomorrow. She always manages to make me feel better. I'm so glad I have her. She has this way of just easing my mind. Yeah, we have some fucked up times and a lot of problems. But she's so loving and so caring and so supportive. I seriously don't know what I'd do without her. I'm still anxious and stressed right now, but I feel better than I did before I talked to her about it. Wow, I just realized that I'm hungry after not eating much today, and it's like Jenny read my mind. She just made me two grilled cheese sandwiches and brought me a Diet Coke. Sweet! I love that girl.

xxmadsenxx: (Default)

Jenny was teasing me about downloading the LJ app as soon as I got this phone haha. It was one of the first things I put on here. How nerdy is that? Lol. She also teased me about it a little when I first put it on my old phone, too. She was like, "Oh God, now you can talk to your little internet friends wherever you go. How adorkable! Nerd." Lol. This time I got "You are so adorkable, making an app to talk to your little internet friends one of the first things you put on your phone. And I thought you were on there a lot when you just used the computer for it! It's kinda cute, you little blogger, you. But you know Evan would disapprove of anything but Angry Birds and that Smurf game being the first app on there!" It's true, haha. Evan seems to think that my phone is also part his phone. Oh, and "adorkable" is not a typo. It's a regular word in our vocabulary, and it's a term of endearment haha.

Speaking of endearment, Jenny has been so sweet since that fight we had on our trip. I think finally having sex the other day probably helped things. So that's good.

I actually slept great last night, and Trazodone actually helped without knocking me out all day! It kept me asleep for about nine hours. I went to bed early. So at like 11:00 and I fell asleep at like 11:30 or maybe a little before that. I wanted to give myself plenty of time to sleep. I didn't have to get up until an hour and a half-ish later than usual for work day (so 8:30) because I have meetings for half the day starting at 10:00, so I'd pretty much just be sitting around until then anyway. By this afternoon I'm going to be SWAMPED with work because of the holiday on Monday. Tomorrow, too. I think I'll have to work late both days. Possibly Friday too, because for some reason one of our clients seems to have trouble getting their shit together after a holiday, even though it's just one day. They're the client who fucks shit up a lot as it is. If it were up to me we'd drop them, but we can't because they're one of our main clients and bring in way too much revenue to get rid of. Ok, enough boring work talk. Hey, at least I can talk to my little internet friends at work sometimes since I can do it on my phone. (For people I've added over the past few months, Jenny half-jokingly refers yields you guys as my little internet friends haha.)

I have to leave in like 15 minutes. Ugh. It's going to be a long day. At least I actually got a decent night's sleep for it though. That will help. Ok sorry, this entry was super boring. Have a good day!

xxmadsenxx: (Default)
So, I'm working from home today, and by "working from home" I mean watching YouTube videos and doing some work on the side. I got caught up watching all these videos with Seth MacFarlane because he's awesome and hilarious. He's another guy Jenny thinks I'm in love with lol. She watched a couple of videos with me a while ago, and when he was doing Brian's voice, Jenny said, "You know you want to bone Brian." I played along with it a little too much by saying, "I don't want to bone Brian, but I'd suck off Seth," and then realized that sounded even worse out loud than it did in my head. I meant for it to sound bad, but not THAT bad. Anyway, here's my new favorite quote from him (Seth as himself, not as Brian): “That New England/Massachusetts/Rhode Island accent is the most hideous thing on the planet. It’s so awful.” He said that while talking about Peter Griffin's voice. But hey, Seth MacFarlane grew up in Connecticut, and East Connecticut has the same type of accent. Plus he went to college in Rhode Island, and they definitely have the accent. Eastern Mass., eastern Connecticut, and Rhode Island all have it. So he knows it well. It's the Eastern New England accent, and it's pretty fucking godawful.

You all know I'm a self-hating Bostonian haha. Not really...I love the place, hate the accent. The last time I went back to MA I seriously wanted to cringe almost every time I heard someone talk. Ok, maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration. It was probably only like half of the time. But still. They take away Rs from words that have Rs in them, and add Rs to the end of words that don't have Rs at the end. I like my Rs where they belong. I think that's the part that bugs me the most. That plus the weird, almost nasally tone with some of the vowels. I know there are a few words and sounds that I have a tiny bit of an accent with, but THANK GOD I don't sound like Mark Wahlberg or Peter Griffin or some hybrid of the two.

If work is boring tomorrow maybe I'll just start speaking with a full on Boston accent just to fuck with people. Then again, the two new people are the only ones who would really be weirded out by it. My other employees are used to me doing stupid shit, and so are most of the people in other departments, or at least the people in other departments who work in close proximity to me. I tend to keep my antics in my own department though. I'll get strange looks and reactions from most people at first, but only the new people will think much of it. One day at work I was bored and did something similar. I wasn't bored in the way you're bored when you have nothing to do, because I had plenty to do. I was bored in the ADHD sense. So to keep myself entertained, I'd randomly speak to people in a British accent. I'd talk normally for the most part, and then randomly say a sentence or ask a question in a British accent and then go back to speaking normally. I was highly amused by it, because people didn't know what to think. With a couple of them it's like they were thinking, "Did he REALLY just use a British accent? He couldn't have, he's talking normally now." It's like I could see the back and forth thoughts in their head as they were trying to figure out what the fuck I was doing. It was awesome. Yeah, I think tomorrow will be another day like that. I'm going to add and subtract Rs all over the fucking place. Oh, this woman Linda will be perfect for that. I'll just go up to her and say something like, "Hey Linder, ah ya gonna _________?" (I'll make up the ______ part as I go along), and I need to make sure to tell people that I have an "idear." I'm going to amuse myself by speaking with an accent that annoys me. I'll just ask her something I know the answer to: whether or not she'll be there tomorrow. That will let me use the accent to its full extent. I can say, "Hey Linder, ah ya gonna be hea tomorrah?" Sweet. (Read "Hey Linda, are you going to be here tomorrow?" in Peter Griffin's voice. That's what that sentence would sound like.)

I'm easily amused by stupid things when I'm extremely tired (ok, I'm amused by stupid things almost all the time), and I have a lot of stupid, random thoughts when I'm really tired (ok, that's an almost all the time thing too). That's my excuse for this entry. That brings me to my next point: I need a nap. I got close to no sleep last night because of Ella. That's why I'm not being very productive today. Oh, the joys of fatherhood...

I need Lasik. Well, I guess that's more of a want than a need, but still. One day I'll get past my fear of lasers shooting into my eyes. One day. Until then I'll continue putting plastic things on my eyeballs.

Yeah, forget about a lunch break. I can eat later while I work. It's time for a nap break.

Stressed

Sep. 9th, 2011 11:20 pm
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I'm stressed as fuck right now. The youth center has really been pressing me to work there full-time. I just don't know if I want to do that right now. I'm not sure that I want to leave my main job quite yet. That's only one of many reasons I'm not sure about it though. I only work at the youth center like 8-10 hours a week, because I work full-time at my other job. When I started it was just an internship while I was in school, and I never really upped the hours. Well, not really anyway. I only worked there about 5 or 6 hours a week back then. As soon as I graduated they asked me to stay full-time, but I declined. They have asked again a few times since then, but lately they've kinda been nagging me about it. I've had a lot of shit to deal with at my other job lately, so I'm already stressed enough at the moment. Working 50ish hours a week, taking care of a kid and a sick girlfriend, and doing everything around the house is taking a toll on me. Jenny should just be resting right now, so that she doesn't get even worse, so I'm doing almost everything around here. Well, B has been helping me quite a bit. But still...I need a break. I'm worn out. I mean, I'm happy to do it. It's just tiring.

I need to make a pros and cons list about the job thing or something. I'll do that later though...too drained right now.

Update #2

Jun. 16th, 2008 09:19 pm
xxmadsenxx: (Default)
So...the other shit I have to write about.

1) Annie and I are still together, and everything is going really well. She's still an anti-sexual virgin, but other than that everything's great haha.

2) My son is amazing as always. I can't complain there. :) I love having him live with me full-time.

3) Work is going well. I was recently promoted, which is good. My job is boring, but I can't complain since I get to listen to my iPod almost the entire time, and now I only have to answer to one person.

4) Jenny (my ex-wife) started using cocaine again. She still confides in me, which is why I know this. Justin (her once ex-husband, now boyfriend) doesn't know about it. I feel partially responsible for it. I know it's not my fault if she chooses do to coke, but I feel like I somehow contributed to it in some way. I NEVER did coke around her when we were together. She was never around it when she was with me, regardless of the fact that I was doing it all the time. So technically I didn't introduce her to it or anything like that, but I somehow feel as though my addiction caused her to try it. I don't know exactly what I'm trying to say...I just feel guilty. She was doing it recreationally for a little while a few months ago, but then she stopped. She started up again about two months ago and has been doing it fairly regularly ever since. Now she'll go on sprees where she'll do it for four days in a row or so, stop for a few days, and then start again. She typically does it two to three times a week, but sometimes she has "good weeks", which means she gets to do it more. She told me that she has spent $800 on coke in the last six weeks. For a coke head, that's not a lot...I went through A LOT more than that, but luckily I was either dating or good friends with most of my dealers back in the day, haha. But anyway, it worries me. Justin is very well off, so she has plenty of disposable income, and he'll never even notice where her money is going...until she starts spending hundreds and hundreds a week anyway, which I'm afraid may end up happening.

I can't decide whether or not I think she's addicted just yet. I don't think she knows either. She hasn't said that she wants to stop, only that she should. She claims she has it under control. Her reasons for that are that one, she doesn't do it "all the time" (but that's a matter of definition). Two, she "doesn't HAVE to do it, but just wants to". Three, she doesn't do it when the kids are around. Four, she doesn't bring it home with her. YET. I don't think those are really valid justifications, but whatever. If she's not already addicted, I think she's becoming an addict and it scares me to death. She has SEEN what addiction does to people. She went through it with me. She's such a smart girl...so I don't know why she would do this after seeing what it does to a person and to their family. My coke habit caused so many problems for me, for her, and for our family. Now she's doing the same damn thing, or at least she's going down that path. Part of me will always love Jenny, and she's breaking my heart by doing this to herself. I don't know what to do. I think Justin NEEDS to know, but I don't think it's my place to tell him, even though we're friendly and on good terms now. If she doesn't tell him and it gets much worse, I won't have any choice but to tell him, but as of right now I'm not sure what to do. I don't think she needs rehab YET, but I think she's well on her way. She doesn't understand how much of a downward spiral it really is. She has seen it happen before her eyes, but she still has no idea how trapping and controlling it can be. Once you get dragged in, it's extremely hard to get back out. You start out thinking you have control and can quit at any time, but there's a very fine line between being in control and losing control, and I think she's close to crossing it. I really don't want to see Jenny destroy her life.

I don't know what to do. Thank God I have custody of Evan though. I just don't want this to have any type of negative effect on her daughter. She needs to stop.


Other than that, things are great!
xxmadsenxx: (Default)
Sorry for all the updates lately...I'm just bored.

I had a shitty day at work today. I got bitched at by my boss for doing something "out of order", even though my direct supervisor told me to do it. Seriously...don't fucking tell me to do two different things and get mad at me when I do what I was TOLD to do. But whatever.

Picking up Evan from my mom's house after work always makes me happier though. When he yells "Daddy!" and runs up to me it makes everything better. It's kinda like a dog...always happy to see you, haha.

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