Being really stressed tends to make me think about drinking and/or using...typically both. I fucking hate it. Jenny can always tell when I start craving something. I don't even have to tell her. I was sitting at the kitchen table with my laptop doing work shit way past when I should have been working. As in like, two and a half hours ago. She came over and sat at the table with me and asked if I was ok. I told her I was just stressed. She just flat out asked, "What are you craving right now? Take a break and talk to me about it." I asked her how she could tell I was having cravings, and she said, "Your mannerisms. The way you've been running your hands through your hair. The amount of cigarette breaks. I know you very well, Chris. I can tell. Please just talk to me about it." I shut my laptop and said I needed a cigarette, but that she could come out with me if she wanted to and I'd start talking to her about it. She pointed out that my hand was shaking while I was smoking. That's something that tends to happen with cravings. Jenny said, "You need to talk to your boss. You're working too much and too hard and all this stress is taking a toll on you. It's not healthy. I know you don't want to feel the way you're feeling right now, and I hate seeing you struggle like this. Please talk to your boss and figure something out. You can't keep going like this." I know she's right. its not good for me physically or mentally. Every day after work I come home and work some more. I don't really eat until Jenny reminds me to or makes me something and brings it to me. My insomnia is even worse because of the stress. It gives me anxiety, and the anxiety is what leads to the cravings. My company took on another client which is why I'm SO fucking busy. This happened after I agreed to help manage this other department, or I never would have done it. Now both my departments are even busier, and I can't fucking handle it without getting super stressed. If they don't let me hire another person for my own department and make someone kind of an assistant of sorts...like a supervisor, I can't fucking do it anymore. I'm pretty sure I still have time to get out of the contract for this other department. I don't want to get out of it necessarily, but if some changes aren't made I'll have to. I can't keep cramming 60 hours worth of work into a 40 hour work week. I just can't. I used to get everything done in about 35 hours, which gave me enough time for the youth center. Now it's so hard to even find time for that,so I'm not there very much, and that's not ok with me. But feeling like shit and being stressed and tired all the time isn't ok with me either...especially if it's going to cause me to have cravings. I'm not ok with that. I already have enough on my plate with work, kids, Jenny, our relationship counseling, and now the holidays. It's just not ok. I'm on my phone right now and I just noticed while holding it that I'm still a little shaky. I also just realized that I've only eaten once today. That probably has something to do with it.
I'm going to talk to my boss tomorrow. Putting it off won't help anything. My boss loves me and she has always been really accommodating and helpful, so I'm sure she'll do whatever she can to fix things. Thinking about talking to her about it tomorrow is making me even more anxious though. Ugh. Wish me luck.
Tomorrow Jenny and I are having a date night, so regardless of how tomorrow goes I'm not working late. It's nice knowing that, at least. I'm looking forward to it. One-on-one time with Jenny is always nice, but I really need it tomorrow. She always manages to make me feel better. I'm so glad I have her. She has this way of just easing my mind. Yeah, we have some fucked up times and a lot of problems. But she's so loving and so caring and so supportive. I seriously don't know what I'd do without her. I'm still anxious and stressed right now, but I feel better than I did before I talked to her about it. Wow, I just realized that I'm hungry after not eating much today, and it's like Jenny read my mind. She just made me two grilled cheese sandwiches and brought me a Diet Coke. Sweet! I love that girl.