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I'm watching Addicted (a show on Discovery Fit and Health) and Kristina, the interventionist, just said, "Sobriety is not for those of us who need it; it's for those of us who want it."

I really like that quote. It's so simple and so true. I needed sobriety for a long time, but it didn't stick until I wanted it. I needed it badly, but I didn't want it. Well, there was a time where I thought I wanted it, but I didn't truly want it. That was the second to last time I went to rehab. I was clean for a year and a half before I relapsed. That time I wanted it because other people wanted it for me, and I felt obligated to get sober. I felt guilty for using. I felt like I had to do it for my family, but I didn't want it for myself. I've said this before, and I'll say it a million more times: in order to get sober and stay that way, you have to want it for yourself. All addicts need sobriety, but obviously that's not enough to make them achieve and maintain it. You really do have to want it.

Addicted is SO much better than Intervention. I'm not a fan of Intervention. I don't like their approach. Addicted places a lot of focus on the recovery process, where as Intervention hardly shows that. This Kristina lady seems genuine, and she's understanding and non-judgmental. She's up front and honest without being a bitch. I could go on for quite a while about what I don't like about Intervention, but I don't feel like it right now. Mostly because I'm tired and lazy. I like this show though. Another thing I like about it is that it's the addict who contacts her about needing help, as opposed to Intervention where they just surprise them and basically force them into treatment by using ultimatums. You can force an addict into treatment all you want (or at least try to), but it's not going to work unless the addict wants it. Another thing I like about this show is that it shows how addiction affects the family. Plus it's not a cookie cutter formula like Intervention. On that show they have the same formula for all the interventions: "Your addiction affects me in the following ways ______" and "If you don't go to treatment, ____ (fill in ultimatum here)." Addicted is more individualized. But I really like that it's so focused on the treatment and recovery process, like I said before. Over half the show is spent on that, as opposed to like, five minutes on Intervention.

But yeah...I really liked that quote, so I just thought I'd share it. It's so eloquent and so true. It's well put and really strong; especially for how short and simple it is. I really like a lot of things that she says. But that's such a powerful statement because it rings so true.
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Oh shit, I somehow forgot to write about this! As of two days ago (September 2nd), I have officially been clean and sober for a full five and a half years. It feels SO good to be able to say that. Clean and sober since March 2, 2007.

I know some of my friends on here struggle with alcoholism and/or addiction. Just know that you're not alone, and as hard as it is, you can beat it. If I could do it, you can too. Seriously. I really, really mean that. At one point I never would have thought I could make it this far. Not in a million years. I don't think anyone thought I could, except possibly my mom. But I did, and it feels SO fucking good. It definitely hasn't been easy, but it's so worth it. Life is so much better sober.

5 YEARS!!!

Mar. 2nd, 2012 02:54 pm
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As of today, I have officially been clean and sober for FIVE YEARS!!! You have no idea how good it feels to say that. It's an unbelievable feeling. Years ago, I never would have believed that I'd make it this far. But I did! I am so incredibly proud of myself. It hasn't been easy, but it has definitely been worth it.

There's probably stuff I'll feel like reflecting on later, but for now, I'm keeping it short and sweet. I don't feel like going deeper and diving into the past or anything like that right now. Right now I just want to feel happy and proud, because I am.

Jenny put our problems aside today, and congratulated me when I woke up. She gave me a huge hug and told me how proud she is of me. It was the first time we've even kissed in a week. A week to the day, actually. That's crazy. But she has been really nice to me all day. She planned a little celebratory dinner party that I didn't find out about until today. She invited a bunch of people to go out to dinner with us to celebrate. So it will be me, Jenny, Evan, Jenny's daughter Maddie, B, B's girlfriend, my mom, my sister, my brother, my brother's fiancee, my grandma, Jenny's parents, Jenny's sister and her husband, my best friend Nick, two of my other closest friends, and Jenny's best friend. So it should be fun! I'm pretty excited about it. I think it's sweet that she planned a surprise dinner for me. She planned it a week ago, even though we were fighting. I think it was really sweet of her. I know we still need to have a serious talk sometime this weekend, but not today. I don't want anything ruining today. It's really nice that Jenny and I are able to put stuff aside and get along today so that it can be a happy day, like it should be.

I still can't believe it has been five years!!! I seriously can't get over it. Could I BE any more amazing? Haha j/k. But seriously, I couldn't. Hahaha. I am just all sorts of happy and giddy today. Knowing I have five years sober is a better high than any drug could ever give me. It feels AMAZING.
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Sorry, yet another entry! And another sappy one at that. I'm sorry for flooding your friends pages lately.

I just went into our bedroom to check on Jenny. I wanted to make sure she was ok, and see if she needed anything. She was asleep, curled up in a ball with her head resting on her hands. She looked so cute and so peaceful. I quietly slipped out of the room, because I didn't want to wake her. This sounds EXTREMELY lame and cheesy as hell, I know, but she looked like a little angel. Even when she's asleep, she's stunningly beautiful.

Sometimes the tiniest little things like that make me think about how much I love her, and how happy I am to be with her. I have been in love a few times before, but I have never been as in love with someone as I am with Jenny. Not even close. I am so insanely in love with her; I don't even know how to begin to describe it. I am SO thankful to have her back in my life. I'm really glad we were able to work things out. I seriously never thought it would happen. At one point I didn't even want to have anything to do with her. I wanted her out of my life completely a few years ago. But now I can't imagine life without her. I am SO happy that things changed. Our relationship is better than it has ever been. Second time's the charm, I guess!

I can't wait to marry her. I know it's technically "just a piece of paper," and it doesn't really change anything, but it's important to me. I know we were married before, and marrying an ex-spouse seems kind of weird, but I want it more than anything. I can't wait. I don't know how to explain why marriage is so important to me. I guess it just kind of solidifies things...it's a huge, meaningful commitment. I think that really is the only way I'm traditional. I don't care if other people get married or not (although EVERYONE should have the right to, but that's another topic entirely). That's their choice. But it's important to me, in my life. The fact that we're engaged makes me SO happy. I'm elated about the fact that I get to spend the rest of my life with her, and have the perfect little family that I've always wanted. Well, no family is perfect. But this feels pretty damn close.

Overall, life is so great right now. I still can't believe I turned 32 this month...I feel so fucking old. Well, I don't feel old, but I feel old when I think about my age. It's crazy. I never really thought I'd make it this far. I didn't necessarily think "I'm going to die before then," (although that was a definite possibility, and it's somewhat surprising that I didn't) but I didn't really see a future for myself. I never thought I'd make it to where I am now. I went from being a hardcore drug addict and alcoholic, doing absolutely nothing good with my life, to having a great life. I never thought I'd be able to stay clean this long, and I never thought I'd finish school. I have greatly exceeded my own expectations, and that's a huge understatement. Now I have sobriety, an education, a beautiful fiancee, the best son in the world, and a daughter on the way. I seriously couldn't be happier.

Ok, I'll stop being sappy now.
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Haha it seems like those two things shouldn't be in the same subject line.

For some reason I'm really craving whiskey. It's not the usual type of craving for wanting to get drunk. I think whiskey is the type of alcohol I miss the most. Well, and sometimes beer. Mostly whiskey though. Having even just one Jack and Coke sounds really good right now. I don't even want it to get a buzz, let alone to get wasted. I guess I'm just craving the taste of it. It's really weird. I don't know if I've ever had a craving quite like this before. I'd much rather have this type than the wanting to get wasted type. It's not really bothering me too much. I kinda wish I could have just one since it sounds so good right now, but of course I'm not going to. I know I wouldn't stop at one. I'm the type of addict/alcoholic that can't just learn to do it in moderation. I have to abstain from everything completely, forever. Not even being able to have a drink with friends or on special occasions sucks sometimes, but it's the way it has to be. If I have to crave it, I'm glad I'm only craving the drink itself. Even thinking about it doesn't make me want to get drunk. That has definitely never happened before. I have craved just the taste of alcohol before, but thinking about it would eventually make me want to get drunk. Not this time. I honestly have no desire to actually drink, even though I'm thinking about it. That makes me feel really good. Obviously not craving it at all would be better, but I'm pretty happy about the fact that I don't want to drink right now. I guess the easiest way to put it is that want a drink, but I don't want to drink. Too bad cravings for coke and pills aren't like that. That would make things a hell of a lot easier...especially with cocaine. It's so much easier than it used to be though. It's definitely still hard sometimes, but it gets easier with time.

On a similar note...

I somehow forgot to post about this the other day. September 2nd marked 4.5 years clean and sober for me. I'm pretty proud of myself. :)
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I can't believe I didn't post about this...I hit the 3.5 year sobriety mark on September 2nd. So now I can proudly say that I've been clean and sober for 3 years and 7 months. That's 43 months! Sounds like a really long time when you put it that way. Well, it is a really long time. I have never stayed sober for even close to this long before. I feel like an entirely different person than I used to be, in a really good way. Being drug- and alcohol-free has made my life so much better. Sobriety feels amazing. :)
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Four days ago I hit my three year sobriety mark. I'm pretty proud of myself. It's the longest I've been clean since I started, which was literally half a lifetime ago. My longest before now was a year and a half, and there were a few other fairly short-lived periods of sobriety, but not many. It's different this time. I don't really know how to describe it, other than to say it's like a new awakening. I know this sounds corny as hell, but it almost feels like being reborn in a way. I don't know. Things are just different this time. I know people say that a lot and then relapse, because I've said it before too, but this time it honestly is different.

I can't even imagine myself going back to using coke and getting drunk all the time, or doing whatever else. That part of my life is over. Staying sober isn't always easy, and I doubt it ever will be. I still get cravings sometimes, though it doesn't happen very often now. The worst urges come when I'm stressed or otherwise emotionally/mentally worked up. I have learned a lot and come a long way, but dealing with emotions and life in general is still not my strong point. I still smoke cigarettes as a crutch, although I want to quit sometime in the fairly near future. Not quite there yet. I've said this before, but seriously...almost every single recovering addict I have ever met smokes cigarettes. Anyway...the thoughts and urges are still there, but now I'm able to resist them because I WANT to. Sobriety has turned my life has turned around completely, and it's so much better than life as an addict. I'm excited to start my fourth year clean. :)
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Annie decided to go see a therapist. Her first appointment is on Thursday. I really hope it helps.

I'm pretty happy and proud that I was sober for all of 2008, from beginning to end. It feels good to be able to say that. I'll be two years sober/clean in March.

Not much else to write about right now. I hope you all had a happy holiday and safe New Year's.
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Oh, one more thing. I have been sober for a year and four days!
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My son now officially lives with me, permanently! I still feel like it's a bit sad that Jenny was willing to just hand him over like that, but I'm thrilled about it.

I can't believe he's already two years old! It's amazing how fast time goes by.

I have changed so much in the past year. It's crazy. I don't even have the desire to drink or do drugs, at all. I realize now that it's just not worth it. I have too much to live for, and I can't do that to my son. So I'm still happily sober.

Speaking of sobriety...I found out that my ex-wife has started doing coke on occasion. She flipped the fuck out on me, yet now she's doing the exact same fucking thing. Granted, she's not an addict (yet), but it pisses me off that she's doing that. I found out through a mutual friend. I don't think that Justin (her former ex-husband, now current boyfriend) even knows. I don't like the guy, but I almost want to tell him. I think he should know. I won't though. I don't know...I don't think it's my place to say anything, but I can't decide. What do you think? (If anyone is reading this)

She has been going through a lot lately. Jenny (my ex-wife) is bipolar, and she's been on one of her "crazy streaks" as we jokingly called them for a while. I know that's why she's out doing drugs and drinking. That's not like her, AT ALL. Part of me will always love her, so I'm worried about her. I noticed cuts on her arms the last time I saw her, too. She needs to get help. I don't want to see her keep doing all these self-destructive things. Even though I now have custody, she still needs to be there for Evan, and for her daughter...so she needs to do something about whatever is going on in her life right now.

Oh, Annie and I are together. I know it's a bit soon, but I REALLY like her. A lot. We haven't been together for very long, but I am falling for her, hard. I know I love her, but I'm afraid to tell her...even though we were best friends for months before we started dating. I'm such a fucking chicken about shit like that. I'm still kind of afraid of getting into a new relationship already, but it's exciting at the same time. Annie is an amazing person, and I'm lucky to have her.

Hmmm, what else? Oh, school sucks. I'm sticking with it, but I still hate it. I have a test on Thursday and I have over two hundred fucking pages to read before then. Probably about 250. I'm behind on reading because I procrastinate, bad. Plus I have ADD but I'm obviously not going to take anything like Adderall, or any other "controlled substance". I know it will be worth it in the end, but right now I hate it.

I guess that's enough for now. Sorry, that was long.
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Oh, and talk about willpower...I broke my finger playing basketball and was given a prescription for hydrocodone. I didn't even fill it and just stuck with Advil (even though it doesn't work as well), because I don't want any temptation whatsoever. I am doing EVERYTHING in my power to make sure I don't go down that road again. It definitely would have helped my finger, but it's fine now. I survived haha.
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Oh, and I'm six months sober as of six days ago.
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So, I got in a little fight with the wife tonight. I don't really know what started it. It wasn't a big deal or anything...everything will be fine tomorrow, but still...I hate fighting with her. Especially when I don't even know what the fuck we started fighting about in the first place.


Sorry for the lack of updates (and comments on your journals) once again. Things have been kind of hectic lately. Not quite sure why...but it has been.

I'm still clean, but it's still hard. Especially when shit like this happens. I have the urge to go get a drink, or two, or ten, right now. But I've come too far to do that. Not only that, but Jenny would kill me...and I don't really want to piss her off.

I hope all of you have been well...I'll try to keep up more often, sorry.
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My wife read the book A Million Little Pieces recently (after it was featured on Oprah, of course...surprise surprise. Haha), and she insisted that I read it. I was hesitant at first, because I'm not really the Oprah's Book Club type. But as soon as I started, I was hooked. From page one.

I have never read something that explains what it's like to be an addict so well. It captured everything. I can't believe I'm getting on here after a month (sorry about that, by the way) and writing about a fucking book. But Jenny was right...it was definitely worth reading. And I don't really read much.

Reading about his experiences with drugs, and pain, and love, and loss, and rehab, etc. almost made me relive it all. I started having weird dreams about my past, and about drugs...it's strange, but it's almost like reading about that shit makes all of the memories resurface somehow. Good and bad. I definitely still miss some of it. That's a lie. I miss it every day of my life. I think it's something I'll always struggle with, but I don't miss everything else that came with it. My life is so good now. I'm not going to fuck that up.

The guy that wrote the book has never used again, and I find that extremely inspiring. If he could go against all of the AA bullshit (not all of it is bullshit, but a lot of it is), break all the rules, and still get over his addiction, it makes me think that I can too.

I still can't believe I'm writing about a fucking book. But if you haven't read it, you should.

By the way, I've been clean for 4 months now, as of the 7th. Three days after my birthday. 26...I'm getting fucking old. Haha.
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Sorry for the lack of updates...and for the lack of comments on all of your journals. (If any of you are still reading this, anyway.) I've been so busy with everything that I completely forgot about this thing. Well, I didn't exactly forget, I just didn't think about it.

My big news for this update: Jenny and I eloped. We had thought about it before, but later decided to hold off until after the baby was born, and have a big, "proper", traditional wedding...but then we changed our minds again. And it's for the best, I think. We're planning on having a reception type ceremony for our friends and family later on. But we just wanted to hurry up and get married. And I couldn't be happier about it. Besides, I have never really been proper or traditional.

Anyway, things are going great. I'm still clean, with no slip-ups. Jenny is about 4 1/2 months pregnant now. She's already had a few ultrasounds, because she's considered a high risk pregnancy...I'll go more into detail on that later...but we still don't know if the baby is a boy or a girl. The baby has had its legs crossed or been in some other position that made the doctor unable to tell every single time. Three times now? Yeah, it's been about three times.

She's high risk because, as I have written about before, she gets REALLY sick. With her last pregnancy she had to go to the hospital a few times, and she's already been a few times this time around, too. Plus, about three weeks ago she started bleeding. Just spotting, but still...that's bad. So we had to go to the hospital again. Everything turned out to be fine...they just kept her overnight to make sure. And of course I stayed with her. That was definitely pretty fucking scary, but everything is fine now, and she hasn't had any problems since then.

She has a little belly now. Of course she's self-conscious about it. It's Jenny...I'd be surprised if she WASN'T self-conscious about gaining weight and getting a belly. But I think it's adorable. There's something sexy about it...I don't know. She claims she's huge...but she really hasn't gotten very big yet.

Oh, another thing...I think I have decided to go back to school (for real this time) when the new semester starts. I need to get my act together. I'm clean now, and that's definitely a plus...but I need to grow up and make something more of myself...for my family.

Well...there's my little update. I hope all of you are doing well. I have no idea if anyone will still even read this, but I felt like updating anyway.
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I almost always update in the middle of the night...strange. Damn insomnia.

Anyway, I'm quite proud of myself. I went to the bachelor party and stayed sober. I was definitely tempted, but I didn't cave. In the back of my mind, I was afraid that I would drink and fuck up my sober streak, but I didn't. I smoked A LOT of cigarettes...but that's better than drinking (for me).

I've been avoiding most situations that involve a lot of alcohol and other things, but I couldn't avoid this. The party was for a good friend of mine. I couldn't just not go to it.

It was a fun party. I probably would have had more fun if I was drunk, but that's not an option anymore. There were a few other sober or at least not very drunk people there, so I wasn't alone in that.

The stripper was hot. But honestly...I wasn't at all turned on by it. I was thinking about this while she was dancing on me...I really have no desire to have a stripper at my bachelor party. I know I WILL have one, knowing my friends...but I really couldn't care less. I used to love shit like that, but now I really don't care. I would much rather see Jenny dancing around in next to nothing. Haha.

She went to the bachelorette party, which was also tonight. And of course, they also had a stripper. She told me that he gave her a dance up against the wall, and that he used his mouth to take bills that were halfway down her shirt. I know it's all in fun, but I have to admit that I got a bit jealous when she told me that. I guess I shouldn't, because I got a dance too. I just don't think I enjoyed it as much as she did. But then again, I've been around shit like that a lot more than she has, since she got married and had a kid young and everything.

Fuck. I'm tired. I'm going to bed.
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Give or take a few days...I've been clean since July 7th. It's definitely been a long month...but it should get easier from here.

I thought Jenny and I had a pretty solid relationship before, but it's even better now. It's amazing how much shit we've gone through in the (relatively) short time we've been together. I'm not complaining...I'm just saying, we've been through a lot already. I love her so much. I think I might have been taking her for granted for a while, but not anymore. I don't know what I'd do without her. Honestly. If I didn't have her in my life, I'd probably overdose and die sometime before my 30th birthday (I'd give it 5 years). I honestly believe that I basically owe my life to this woman...that's how amazing she is.
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And I'm still clean. It's getting a lot easier with each day, too.

All of this makes me really realize that I was taking everything for granted...my friends, my family, and just life in general. My family and friends have been so supportive and helpful. And Jenny...I couldn't ask to marry a better girl. She's the most beautiful, most incredible woman in the world. Every day I realize more and more how lucky I am to have her in my life. If it wasn't for her, I don't even think I would have been able to stay sober for this long.

Things are so much clearer already. I'm going to go back to school this fall (we'll see how long that lasts...school isn't really my thing). I'm really excited about the baby, too. That's my main motivation for staying clean. Like I've said before, I refuse to put my kids (and my wife) through the shit that I had to go through with my dad. I'd rather die. But as long as I keep that in mind, I think I'll be able to stay clean. I'm actually really optimistic about it this time around. That should help. I hope.

There's a new rule with my two bands...no alcohol allowed at practices or shows. That makes it a hell of a lot easier on me. I didn't even come up with the rule...they did, to help me out.

Things are finally looking up, and I couldn't be happier about it.
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I've been a bit on edge lately. I'm still clean though. I've been tempted, but I haven't given in. I refuse to fuck it up this time around. But I'm still at that point where I'm craving it a lot. Craving anything, really. So I've been a bit of an asshole the past few days. Just moody and short with everyone, including Jenny...but it will pass. I just need to give it another week.

I'm thinking so much more clearly now. About everything...the baby, Jenny, the future, and just life in general. I'm slowly going back to the person I was when Jenny and I started dating. Sober and clear-headed. And I'm so much happier already...aside from the mood swings. It's like I'm the pregnant one as far as mood swings are concerned, haha.


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April 2013



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