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Two days into the semester and I already hate it. I hate school. Sometimes I wonder if it's even worth it, even though I know it is. I wish I would have gotten it done earlier. I went for like a year when I was younger, and went back about a year and a half or so ago. Maybe it has been two years. I'm a junior now, but I feel like I'll NEVER graduate.

I'm not taking very many credit hours this semester. I was taking 9, but I dropped one class for a few reasons...including the bitch of a professor. I already can't STAND her, or the way she teaches. So much for that. So now I'm down to 6 credit hours (two classes). It's going to take longer that way, but it's all good. It will be easier to focus on fewer classes anyway.

But yeah...I fucking hate school. Going to school and working full time when you're a full-time parent is a pain in the ass. Thank God for my mom, since she watches my son Monday through Friday during the day while I'm at school/work. I don't know what I'd do without her.
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I think I might want to change my major to Psychology. Who knows if I'll ever finish school...but we'll see. I just think it's really interesting...especially Abnormal Psychology. I had a test in my Abnormal Psychology class today and I think I did really well. I'm really interested in that stuff, and it comes easily to me. I could easily diagnose 15-20 different disorders, I think. I think it would be fun to do something with that. Or with substance abuse treatment, although I'd have to be clean for a LONG time to be able to deal with that. Most substance abuse counselors that I have met have a history with substance abuse though, so I think I could do it. I actually think it helps to have that history...it makes you more relatable. I know that I have been more able to relate and trust professionals that have that background than those that don't. They understand what it's like.

Who knows if I'll EVER get a degree though...and especially a higher degree, which is what it would take to work in that field.

Damn ADD. That's a huge part of my frustration with school, but I can't take anything for it. I tried Strattera, since it's non-stimulant, but that didn't work and it just made me sick and miserable. I can't take Adderall or anything like that, given my past, so I'm just stuck with trying to deal with my ADD and get through school with it on my own. It's hard, but so far so good I guess.

Ugh. I only got about two and a half hours of sleep last night. I'm dead tired today.
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My son now officially lives with me, permanently! I still feel like it's a bit sad that Jenny was willing to just hand him over like that, but I'm thrilled about it.

I can't believe he's already two years old! It's amazing how fast time goes by.

I have changed so much in the past year. It's crazy. I don't even have the desire to drink or do drugs, at all. I realize now that it's just not worth it. I have too much to live for, and I can't do that to my son. So I'm still happily sober.

Speaking of sobriety...I found out that my ex-wife has started doing coke on occasion. She flipped the fuck out on me, yet now she's doing the exact same fucking thing. Granted, she's not an addict (yet), but it pisses me off that she's doing that. I found out through a mutual friend. I don't think that Justin (her former ex-husband, now current boyfriend) even knows. I don't like the guy, but I almost want to tell him. I think he should know. I won't though. I don't know...I don't think it's my place to say anything, but I can't decide. What do you think? (If anyone is reading this)

She has been going through a lot lately. Jenny (my ex-wife) is bipolar, and she's been on one of her "crazy streaks" as we jokingly called them for a while. I know that's why she's out doing drugs and drinking. That's not like her, AT ALL. Part of me will always love her, so I'm worried about her. I noticed cuts on her arms the last time I saw her, too. She needs to get help. I don't want to see her keep doing all these self-destructive things. Even though I now have custody, she still needs to be there for Evan, and for her daughter...so she needs to do something about whatever is going on in her life right now.

Oh, Annie and I are together. I know it's a bit soon, but I REALLY like her. A lot. We haven't been together for very long, but I am falling for her, hard. I know I love her, but I'm afraid to tell her...even though we were best friends for months before we started dating. I'm such a fucking chicken about shit like that. I'm still kind of afraid of getting into a new relationship already, but it's exciting at the same time. Annie is an amazing person, and I'm lucky to have her.

Hmmm, what else? Oh, school sucks. I'm sticking with it, but I still hate it. I have a test on Thursday and I have over two hundred fucking pages to read before then. Probably about 250. I'm behind on reading because I procrastinate, bad. Plus I have ADD but I'm obviously not going to take anything like Adderall, or any other "controlled substance". I know it will be worth it in the end, but right now I hate it.

I guess that's enough for now. Sorry, that was long.

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xxmadsenxx

April 2013

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