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I have felt so incredibly close to Jenny lately. I'm sure feeling better the past few days has had a lot to do with it, but it started before that. Pretty much right after we had that conversation about working things out. It seems like a really sudden change, I know. I went from saying what a "crazy bitch" she was (which I shouldn't say), to saying how happy I am with her. She has been so supportive of me through all the shit I've been going through, and so loving and caring. When we talked she said she realized she had been taking me for granted, which I think is true, but I've realized that I was also taking her for granted in some ways. It's important to remember how grateful you are for the person you're in love with. Even though things are great right now, we're most definitely still going to work on our relationship. I don't want this to just be a calm period. I'm still just as determined as I was before to work on our relationship, and so is she. I'm really glad that we made up and decided to work on things before Ella gets here. Having a newborn while not getting along would be horrible. As if having a baby isn't stressful enough. It's a good kind of stress though, if that makes sense. Don't get me wrong...if we were still having such bad relationship problems I'd still be just as happy about Ella, but the situation would be far from ideal. She'll be here in less than two months! Crazy. Time is flying now.

This is day three of feeling better! I still feel a bit down some of the time, but I just try to think of happy things and wait to talk about the bad stuff with my therapist. Well, I write some of it down sometimes. But I'm going to use that when I talk to her. I have another appointment tomorrow.

Possibly a little TMI, but my sex drive is finally back too. Which is good, because Jenny actually still has one. We should take advantage of that while we still can, because in a couple weeks I know it will change. Then there's the mandatory six sexless weeks (if not more) after the baby is born. So at least it came back before then.

I've been thinking about Jeremy a lot today. Not in a sad way, though. I've been feeling nostalgia, but not a ton of sadness. Some, but not a lot. It's nice to be able to think about him without getting all sad and depressed about it. I sure miss him though. But I always do. I always will. It was hard to go from being "the twins" to just being Chris. I mean, I was always me. But Jeremy was a part of my identity. He still is, but it's much different. I think losing that part of myself has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with. His death was the hardest thing I've ever gone through. But feeling like I lost a part of myself and trying to move past that has been so hard. I still need to work on it, and it has been almost 12 and a half years. But for a big chunk of that time I was still drinking and using, so I wasn't really dealing with it at all. Facing your problems is hard...especially when they're huge, life-changing things like that. I think the whole Jeremy thing is still one of my biggest issues. My biggest issue is facing feelings and trying to deal with them in a healthy way, but Jeremy's death is one of the hardest things for me to deal with. It's hard to face it. I've been reflecting on it. I'll probably write about that at some point in the near future.

That's all I've got for now.
xxmadsenxx: (Default)
Geez, I really need to sign in to this thing more often. Everything is still great, but I'm just busy all the time. Between work, school, my internship, Jenny, and of course my son, I have hardly any free time anymore. The only "me time" I get is late at night.

Evan turned 4 on February 11th. He has grown up so fast! It's crazy how time flies. I suppose I'm a bit biased, but he is such a great kid. I'm so lucky to have him.

Jenny is still doing well, and as of two weeks ago she has been clean for 18 months. Speaking of sobriety, I'll hit the 3 year mark in a week and a half!

I am really happy to be with Jenny again, now that she's back to her old self. I'm still a bit wary about it though. It's hard not to be. I've been on a Beatles kick lately, and the song "Girl" makes me think of Jenny. Specifically the first two verses:

Is there anybody going to listen to my story
All about the girl who came to stay?
She's the kind of girl you want so much
It makes you sorry
Still you don't regret a single day.
Ah girl

When I think of all the times I've tried so hard to leave her
She will turn to me and start to cry
And she promises the earth to me
And I believe her
After all this time I don't know why
Ah girl

It fits so well. I have never stopped loving her, even though I wished I could for so long. I think that was probably pretty obvious to everyone, including everyone here. When we first reconciled I was extremely guarded, and I was trying to not fall so hard again so fast, but I couldn't help it. Like I said, I have never stopped loving her, but it had died down...I don't really know how to explain it. I had moved on for the most part, but not entirely. At first I kept telling myself to keep my distance, but I couldn't help myself, and now I'm whipped again. I am so in love with her. I just hope it doesn't make me sorry again.

I guess a lot of my walls have come down, but not all of them. I still have a lot of reservations, and she knows that; not only from what I have told her, but also from what she has observed. Of course I'm not cold toward her...I'm anything but. I'm just not ready to fully trust her yet, and I won't be ready to for a long time. It's going to take quite a while for her to regain my trust, and for me to let down my guard. She has told me multiple times that our divorce was the biggest mistake of her life. I wrote about her telling me that when she was still in rehab, and she has said it many times since then. She has apologized profusely, not only for what ended our marriage, but also for all the shit that has happened since then. She has said over and over and over that I'm the love of her life and she basically "promises the earth to me", and I believe her...until logic kicks in. The whole head vs. heart thing.

I'm just afraid, I guess. I think that's pretty understandable. She completely broke my heart, and I never want to be crushed like that again. I have had a few heartbreaks in the past, but NOTHING like that. I don't want to go through that again, and I don't want to put Evan through it. I want him to have stability in his life, and I'm afraid that she'll shake things up again. Things are great right now, but I worry that it might change. I want to protect him, and I want to protect myself. It's just hard, because I have no way of knowing if this is going to last, or if everything will go crazy and fall apart again. I can't be sure that she won't fuck me over again, but I love her, so I'm giving it another chance. It's just scary. So far, so good though. I'm very happy about that. Love is dangerous, but so amazing at the same time.
xxmadsenxx: (Default)
The last time I updated (which was in April...crazy), Jenny and I had a little thing going on. We started sleeping together last March, and it was purely physical (at least openly) for a good 4 or 5 months, but it gradually grew into something else. So...we're "dating" right now. I know, I know...it sounds crazy, after all the shit that went down before. I might seem like a total fool, but now that certain issues have been/are being dealt with, things are great. I say "dating" rather than saying that we're back together because we're not "officially together", but I guess it's a matter of semantics. We started sleeping together like 10 months ago, and have been dating or whatever you want to call it for around 5 months now. Something like that. We are taking it slow though, as far as the relationship part of it goes. Obviously we didn't take the sex part too slowly lol. We see each other about 3 to 5 times a week. It varies. Usually 3 or 4.

I have set a few boundaries. Jenny has only slept over a couple of times, and it was when Evan was at my mom's house...he likes to have sleepovers there every so often. I would love to have Jenny stay over sometimes, but as of right now I don't think it's a very good idea, so I have set boundaries there. I don't want my son to get used to his mom being here overnight at this point in time. It hasn't been long enough. I am not about to rush into something like having her stay here all the time or living with us unless I know it's a stable, permanent thing...although I guess you can never REALLY know if something is permanent, as I learned before...so I guess I'll say long-term. It's going to take a long time for us to get back to that, assuming that we do. I want Evan to have stability in his life, which he won't have if his mom comes back full-time for a little while and then leaves again. I don't want to put him through that. I guess I don't really want to put myself through that, either.

My main concern is protecting my son, but I guess I'm also protecting myself, as I think I should. I have walls up that she doesn't, but that's the way it needs to be right now. I'm definitely guarded, which I think is understandable. I'll let down those walls if and when I feel that it's safe, but it will take a long time for some of them to go down. I love Jenny. I always have, and I always will, regardless of what happens. I'm giving this one more shot. If it doesn't work out this time, it never will. There will be no more going back and forth. Either she's in or she's out. No more bullshit.

Jenny has come so far with her personal issues, and she has completely turned her life around. She's back to being the Jenny I fell in love with. I'm extremely happy about that, and it feels so good to be with her again. I really hope it lasts, but only time will tell. But as of right now at least, everything is great. So far so good. :)


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April 2013



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