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Ella says THREE words now! Not bad for a baby who's only six months and nine days old! She said Mama first, like I wrote about before, then Dada yesterday, and Baba today!

She may hate tummy time and will probably be a late crawler, but hey...she's an early talker!

We had a great Halloween. I hope all of you did too.

Jenny seems to be doing great. I'm fine, too. I'm hoping all the emotions and shit won't hit me on Sunday, because that's mine and Jeremy's birthday. In addition to the anniversary of his death (October 29th), our birthday is typically a hard day for me. Ever since he died I have wanted to keep my birthday low key, because I hate that he's not there to celebrate it with me. But we'll see how it goes. I'm actually feeling semi-optimistic about it, since I was just fine on and around that anniversary.

I think a mosquito bit me a few minutes ago when I went outside. Motherfucker.

That's all for now.
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Today was the anniversary of my brother's death, and for the first time since I've been sober I didn't even have so much as one craving or anything the entire day. Not one. I've been completely fine all day. I'm pretty sure it's because of all the shit going on right now, but hey...at least something good came of it. I think it's because I've been so distracted and preoccupied with everything else going on that I didn't sit there ruminating like I usually do. The reasons for it suck, but I'll take it.


Oct. 7th, 2012 11:36 pm
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I'm watching Long Island Medium, mostly because I can't find the remote. I'm sure it's close by somewhere, but I'm too lazy to look.

I'm really skeptical of mediums and psychics and all of that. I don't even know what my beliefs about the afterlife are, but I'd like to think that there's something. I'm kind of intrigued by the whole thing. I think most people who claim to be mediums are full of shit. But sometimes you hear about someone who knows things they couldn't have known. I don't know...it's weird. If I heard there was a "real" medium around here, I'd consider going, just to see. Because if it is real, it would be cool to contact my brother. But I don't really believe in it. Sometimes I really wish I could talk to him. Ok, sometimes I do talk to him. But I wish I could know for a fact that he's there listening, and I really wish he could talk back. I miss him so much.

October is the worst month of the year for me, because it's the month he died. November and December are bad too, because of our birthday and Christmas. Plus there's the whole seasonal depression thing. Basically, October through February sucks. I really hate October though. Since I'm already depressed I have a feeling it's going to be really hard this year. I'm pretty sure I'll be an emotional wreck at the end of the month. I pushed it away with drugs and alcohol for so long that I didn't really start dealing with his death until I got sober. I still haven't fully dealt with it. It will be 13 years on the 29th, but I've only been trying to come to terms with it for five. And I haven't done a very good job of it.

It just sucks. I miss him so much. Beware, you'll probably hear (read) a lot more about that subject this month.

I strayed away from the original topic of this post. Well, kind of. But yeah, I really wish there was some way I could talk to him.

xxmadsenxx: (Default)
All of a sudden I really miss my brother, Jeremy. I don't know why. It just came out of nowhere. I mean, I always miss him. Not a day goes by where I don't think about him and miss him. But sometimes it hits pretty hard. I just really, really miss him. I wish I could have saved him. It's just such a shitty feeling. Losing a sibling is incredibly painful. Losing an identical twin is like losing part of yourself. I would never wish it upon anyone. I would do anything to bring him back. It just sucks, really fucking bad.
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I have felt so incredibly close to Jenny lately. I'm sure feeling better the past few days has had a lot to do with it, but it started before that. Pretty much right after we had that conversation about working things out. It seems like a really sudden change, I know. I went from saying what a "crazy bitch" she was (which I shouldn't say), to saying how happy I am with her. She has been so supportive of me through all the shit I've been going through, and so loving and caring. When we talked she said she realized she had been taking me for granted, which I think is true, but I've realized that I was also taking her for granted in some ways. It's important to remember how grateful you are for the person you're in love with. Even though things are great right now, we're most definitely still going to work on our relationship. I don't want this to just be a calm period. I'm still just as determined as I was before to work on our relationship, and so is she. I'm really glad that we made up and decided to work on things before Ella gets here. Having a newborn while not getting along would be horrible. As if having a baby isn't stressful enough. It's a good kind of stress though, if that makes sense. Don't get me wrong...if we were still having such bad relationship problems I'd still be just as happy about Ella, but the situation would be far from ideal. She'll be here in less than two months! Crazy. Time is flying now.

This is day three of feeling better! I still feel a bit down some of the time, but I just try to think of happy things and wait to talk about the bad stuff with my therapist. Well, I write some of it down sometimes. But I'm going to use that when I talk to her. I have another appointment tomorrow.

Possibly a little TMI, but my sex drive is finally back too. Which is good, because Jenny actually still has one. We should take advantage of that while we still can, because in a couple weeks I know it will change. Then there's the mandatory six sexless weeks (if not more) after the baby is born. So at least it came back before then.

I've been thinking about Jeremy a lot today. Not in a sad way, though. I've been feeling nostalgia, but not a ton of sadness. Some, but not a lot. It's nice to be able to think about him without getting all sad and depressed about it. I sure miss him though. But I always do. I always will. It was hard to go from being "the twins" to just being Chris. I mean, I was always me. But Jeremy was a part of my identity. He still is, but it's much different. I think losing that part of myself has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with. His death was the hardest thing I've ever gone through. But feeling like I lost a part of myself and trying to move past that has been so hard. I still need to work on it, and it has been almost 12 and a half years. But for a big chunk of that time I was still drinking and using, so I wasn't really dealing with it at all. Facing your problems is hard...especially when they're huge, life-changing things like that. I think the whole Jeremy thing is still one of my biggest issues. My biggest issue is facing feelings and trying to deal with them in a healthy way, but Jeremy's death is one of the hardest things for me to deal with. It's hard to face it. I've been reflecting on it. I'll probably write about that at some point in the near future.

That's all I've got for now.

12 Years

Oct. 28th, 2011 07:15 pm
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Tomorrow is the 12-year anniversary of my brother's death. He died on Friday, October 29, 1999...only six days before our 20th birthday. Man, I'm old. (If you want the details of his death, here's an old entry about it: http://xxmadsenxx.livejournal.com/30110.html#cutid1) Halloween is always kind of a sad time of year for me. I love it, but at the same time, I hate it. I need to suck it up though, or at least put on a good act for Evan. He loves Halloween, so I need to make sure he has fun. At least taking him trick-or treating will cheer me up a bit, if I'm still feeling down on Monday.

I always get really strong urges to use around Halloween, for that reason. I mean, I always used and drank a ton around Halloween, because it's a huge party holiday. But even when I was doing it to party back then (even though I did it all the time anyway), I did it because I was thinking about him. I have had urges every year around Halloween since I've been clean and sober. This is my fifth Halloween since I got clean (since I've been clean/sober since March 2, 2007), but I'm still starting to get cravings. I was fine earlier today, but the past few hours they've been starting to creep up on me. Especially the past hour or two. I know they'll be bad tomorrow. The worst I've had in a long time, I'm sure. I'm trying to brace myself for it, because I know it's coming. I have a feeling I'll have a hard time sleeping tonight, because I'm sure they'll be pretty bad by then, at the rate they're coming on now. The next few days will probably be pretty bad, but tomorrow will be the worst. I just hope all the urges and depression go away by Tuesday, when Jenny and I are leaving for our trip. It's supposed to be a happy time, since we'll be getting engaged. I don't want to be feeling down or having cravings when we go. I think I'll be ok though. It's just this weekend that will be really hard. ESPECIALLY tomorrow. I had hoped that writing an entry about our trip and proposing would make me feel better, but it didn't really. I wish I could just keep thinking about that, but right now all I'm thinking about is my brother.

I think watching anyone die would be hard, but watching your identical twin die in front of you is REALLY hard. It's almost like watching yourself die, in a way. I wish I could erase it from my mind, but I can't. It still haunts me sometimes...and it always haunts me around Halloween. Jeremy was my best friend in the whole world. I would give anything to have him back.

The Halloween-time cravings are hard, because I crave EVERYTHING at once. Cocaine, alcohol, even opiates, up to and including heroin, and that wasn't really ever my thing. I only did it with him, and I didn't do it habitually. For a while I took a lot of painkillers, but I never did heroin very often (well, depending on your definition of "often"). But I guess that's probably why I crave heroin around this time of year...because I did it with him. I only did it a few times after he died. You'd think the fact that he died of a heroin overdose would make me NOT want it, but it has the opposite effect.

This year is especially hard. I don't know why. Some years the anniversary of his death is just harder than others. It's always hard, but sometimes it's REALLY hard. I can hardly believe it has already been 12 years.

Man, even since I started writing this the cravings have gotten a lot more intense. I have already gotten up for a cigarette THREE times since I started this entry. Fuck. I might as well be writing this in the garage, so I can smoke constantly. Good thing I just bought a carton...I know I'm going to go through A LOT of cigarettes in the next couple days. I know it's bad to smoke that much, but smoking like a chimney is the only thing that can keep me sane through all of this and curb the cravings at least a little bit. Cigarettes get me through the hard times. That's why it will be so hard to quit. But I'm not going to think about that right now. Not for a few more months. Fuck...I'm going out to the garage again. I'm sure I'll add to this entry later, as the night goes on and everything gets worse. I'll just keep adding to this one, because otherwise I'll just be annoying with multiple entries in a row about the same exact thing. Unless what I end up writing later is too long to add to this...then it will be separate, in which case, I'm sorry.

You know what? Scratch that...I KNOW I'll write a separate entry, because otherwise this will go on forever. Jenny went to dinner with a friend and I just texted her to ask when she'd be home. She called me and I guess she could tell I was upset before I even told her anything. Actually, I didn't even tell her anything. I just told her I was having a bad day. She knew why, obviously. She said she'd be home as soon as she can, but I told her not to hurry. I'll talk to her about it when she gets home in like an hour or so. I think I might talk to B about it, too. It's nice to have Jenny's love and support and to be able to talk to her about it, but B understands the craving side of it better than she does. I usually don't talk to him about my cravings...at least not very often or in very much detail, but I need someone who understands. I know he's just a kid, but he's been through all the drug shit, so he can relate. Usually the only time I talk to him about my own cravings is when he comes to me needing someone he can relate to. Now it's the other way around. Maybe I shouldn't talk to him about it, but it's not like he hasn't heard plenty of people talk about cravings and drug use and all of that in rehab or at the youth center before. I guess that's different though. I don't know. But I feel like I need to talk to him. I guess I could call my older brother, but I don't really want to for some reason. We're really close, and I know I can talk to him about it, but right now I don't want to. I'll see him tomorrow. If I feel like it, I'll talk to him about it then. I'm sure my mom is going to be really sad tomorrow. I'm not going to say ANYTHING about my cravings to her. Not a word. She'll already be having a hard enough time. I'll go see her tomorrow though. I'll just have to hide the cravings for a few hours.

Ugh. I'm going to go have that cigarette I was talking about and then talk to B. Then Jenny when she gets home. Maybe things will get better after that, but probably not. Now it feels like it's getting worse by the minute.
xxmadsenxx: (Default)
I swear I don't know one recovering addict/alcoholic that doesn't smoke cigarettes, myself included. It's like you NEED them because they're the only "substance" you can have.

I want to quit though.

Fuck. I need one now. I still can't stop thinking about my brother Jeremy. That dream is haunting me. It's all I thought about at work today. Well, that and sex since I'm craving it but definitely won't get it, lol. I'm sure you all wanted to hear that I've been thinking about that. It's frustrating, but at least it temporarily takes my mind off of my brother.

I miss Annie. I wish she was coming over tonight. I haven't seen her for a couple days. Well...ok, since Saturday. But still.
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I have been up for the past 20 hours or so. I can't sleep. I tried, but it's not going to happen. I realized that I hadn't written in this thing forever, and I thought it might help, so we'll see. Haha you guys probably don't even remember me.


I have fucked up. Royally.

Only click this if you really want to see how bad I fucked things up. Be prepared. It's long. I have four months of catching up to do. )


May. 16th, 2005 11:54 pm
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I came across this subject in a community called altered_states, and I made my response to the post a lot longer than I had intended to.

Original post:

What is your opinion on drug addiction?

To explain my question, I think that when one is addicted to drugs it is completely their fault. I think that everyone has that line they cross when they start using drug exsessively and if they cross the line, it's their dicision to become an addict.

...if you start before you're addicted, you'll be fine and it's all about will power."

Am I wrong for my answer?
Is this a completely wrong annalysis of addiction?

I was just wondering what you all thought.

My response:

To a certain extent, I suppose you're right. When you do drugs, you know there's a chance that you may become addicted, but nobody ever thinks that it will happen to them. Everyone goes into it thinking that they'll be able to control it. And some people can. Some are able to stop themselves before crossing that line, but others get to a point in their lives where they don't know what else to do. Addiction can be a way of dealing with things. It can become a problem before you even realize that it's a problem. You do it casually at first, but you do it more and more as time goes on until it's just a way of life. And when your addiction is your life, it's hard to give it up.

I'm an addict. A recovering addict, yes. Well, sort of. I did coke two or three times this month...which I know I shouldn't have done, because it's my drug of choice. I have seen firsthand what addiction can do to people. It destroys friendships, tears families apart, and it kills. From what I've gone through, I should have enough sense not to use at all. But when you have a real addiction, it just isn't that easy. People may say "Have a little self-control", or "You just need more will power", but it's not as simple as that. You can have all the conscious will power in the world, but sometimes there's something in the back of your mind that just takes control of you.

I started using drugs when I was about 15. I started smoking weed when I was 13 or 14. 15 is when I first did almost everything. I got pretty heavy into drugs and was a full blown addict by 16. My twin brother and I hung out with a bunch of partiers. All we did was go to shows, play in our band, party, have sex, and do drugs. Sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll really was what our lives were all about. For three, almost four years straight I didn't have one sober day. Not one. I was always on something. I didn't care what it was...I'd do it. When I was 19, my twin brother, who was a heroin addict and my best friend in the world, overdosed and died right in front of me.

You'd think seeing and going through that would clean me up, right? Wrong. Common sense would tell me that it was a wake up call, and that I needed to stop all of that. But addiction is beyond common sense. It's a force that you really can't control, once you're into it bad enough. Getting over an addiction is not as easy as just having will power. Trust me. I tried to turn my life around so many times. I went to rehab for the first time when I was 18, and I've been a total of four times...two intensive, two out-patient. I tried each of those times, and I thought I had all the will power in the world, but it wasn't enough. Only when the healing/recovery process starts can will power actually have a big effect on your life and your addiction.

Anyway, my point is...will power can help at first, but addiction goes way beyond will power. The only way you can really ensure that you'll never become an addict is to have the will power to never do drugs in the first place.


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April 2013



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