Tomorrow is the 12-year anniversary of my brother's death. He died on Friday, October 29, 1999...only six days before our 20th birthday. Man, I'm old. (If you want the details of his death, here's an old entry about it: http://xxmadsenxx.livejournal.com/30110.html#cutid1
) Halloween is always kind of a sad time of year for me. I love it, but at the same time, I hate it. I need to suck it up though, or at least put on a good act for Evan. He loves Halloween, so I need to make sure he has fun. At least taking him trick-or treating will cheer me up a bit, if I'm still feeling down on Monday.
I always get really strong urges to use around Halloween, for that reason. I mean, I always used and drank a ton around Halloween, because it's a huge party holiday. But even when I was doing it to party back then (even though I did it all the time anyway), I did it because I was thinking about him. I have had urges every year around Halloween since I've been clean and sober. This is my fifth Halloween since I got clean (since I've been clean/sober since March 2, 2007), but I'm still starting to get cravings. I was fine earlier today, but the past few hours they've been starting to creep up on me. Especially the past hour or two. I know they'll be bad tomorrow. The worst I've had in a long time, I'm sure. I'm trying to brace myself for it, because I know it's coming. I have a feeling I'll have a hard time sleeping tonight, because I'm sure they'll be pretty bad by then, at the rate they're coming on now. The next few days will probably be pretty bad, but tomorrow will be the worst. I just hope all the urges and depression go away by Tuesday, when Jenny and I are leaving for our trip. It's supposed to be a happy time, since we'll be getting engaged. I don't want to be feeling down or having cravings when we go. I think I'll be ok though. It's just this weekend that will be really hard. ESPECIALLY tomorrow. I had hoped that writing an entry about our trip and proposing would make me feel better, but it didn't really. I wish I could just keep thinking about that, but right now all I'm thinking about is my brother.
I think watching anyone die would be hard, but watching your identical twin die in front of you is REALLY hard. It's almost like watching yourself die, in a way. I wish I could erase it from my mind, but I can't. It still haunts me sometimes...and it always haunts me around Halloween. Jeremy was my best friend in the whole world. I would give anything to have him back.
The Halloween-time cravings are hard, because I crave EVERYTHING at once. Cocaine, alcohol, even opiates, up to and including heroin, and that wasn't really ever my thing. I only did it with him, and I didn't do it habitually. For a while I took a lot of painkillers, but I never did heroin very often (well, depending on your definition of "often"). But I guess that's probably why I crave heroin around this time of year...because I did it with him. I only did it a few times after he died. You'd think the fact that he died of a heroin overdose would make me NOT want it, but it has the opposite effect.
This year is especially hard. I don't know why. Some years the anniversary of his death is just harder than others. It's always hard, but sometimes it's REALLY hard. I can hardly believe it has already been 12 years.
Man, even since I started writing this the cravings have gotten a lot more intense. I have already gotten up for a cigarette THREE times since I started this entry. Fuck. I might as well be writing this in the garage, so I can smoke constantly. Good thing I just bought a carton...I know I'm going to go through A LOT of cigarettes in the next couple days. I know it's bad to smoke that much, but smoking like a chimney is the only thing that can keep me sane through all of this and curb the cravings at least a little bit. Cigarettes get me through the hard times. That's why it will be so hard to quit. But I'm not going to think about that right now. Not for a few more months. Fuck...I'm going out to the garage again. I'm sure I'll add to this entry later, as the night goes on and everything gets worse. I'll just keep adding to this one, because otherwise I'll just be annoying with multiple entries in a row about the same exact thing. Unless what I end up writing later is too long to add to this...then it will be separate, in which case, I'm sorry.
You know what? Scratch that...I KNOW I'll write a separate entry, because otherwise this will go on forever. Jenny went to dinner with a friend and I just texted her to ask when she'd be home. She called me and I guess she could tell I was upset before I even told her anything. Actually, I didn't even tell her anything. I just told her I was having a bad day. She knew why, obviously. She said she'd be home as soon as she can, but I told her not to hurry. I'll talk to her about it when she gets home in like an hour or so. I think I might talk to B about it, too. It's nice to have Jenny's love and support and to be able to talk to her about it, but B understands the craving side of it better than she does. I usually don't talk to him about my cravings...at least not very often or in very much detail, but I need
someone who understands. I know he's just a kid, but he's been through all the drug shit, so he can relate. Usually the only time I talk to him about my own cravings is when he comes to me needing someone he can relate to. Now it's the other way around. Maybe I shouldn't talk to him about it, but it's not like he hasn't heard plenty of people talk about cravings and drug use and all of that in rehab or at the youth center before. I guess that's different though. I don't know. But I feel like I need to talk to him. I guess I could call my older brother, but I don't really want to for some reason. We're really close, and I know I can talk to him about it, but right now I don't want to. I'll see him tomorrow. If I feel like it, I'll talk to him about it then. I'm sure my mom is going to be really sad tomorrow. I'm not going to say ANYTHING about my cravings to her. Not a word. She'll already be having a hard enough time. I'll go see her tomorrow though. I'll just have to hide the cravings for a few hours.
Ugh. I'm going to go have that cigarette I was talking about and then talk to B. Then Jenny when she gets home. Maybe things will get better after that, but probably not. Now it feels like it's getting worse by the minute.