xxmadsenxx: (Default)
Things went well with Jenny today. She looked a lot better, and she seemed happier. Evan was excited to see her. I still think she should have stayed longer, but she insisted that 30 days was enough...although she checked out after 34 or 35 days, I think. At least she's doing outpatient treatment. I hope she sticks to it. She really does seem to be doing better though.
xxmadsenxx: (Default)
Jenny's getting out of rehab on Monday. God, I hope it helped her. I think she should stay longer, but she claims she'll committ herself to intensive outpatient treatment, so I really hope she sticks to that.

I never took Evan to see her, so of course she'll be coming here first. Hopefully that goes smoothly. Justin is picking her up and he's going to bring her over, so luckily he'll be here as well. Jenny wanted Evan to just go sleep over at her house, but I'm not willing to let that happen just yet. Maybe I'm wrong for that, but oh well. I want to wait a little while until she's a bit more stable before I let her take him overnight. I know that Justin is there, and that everything would be fine...but for some reason I am just not comfortable with the idea of her taking him for the night yet. I know I wouldn't like it if it were the other way around, but I think that's how things need to be right now.

Annie isn't exactly thrilled about the fact that Jenny is leaving rehab. I think she's afraid that my relationship with Jenny will go back to how it was, and that we'll talk all the time, etc. That's not how it's going to be though. I don't even have the desire to be close with Jenny again. Definite boundaries will be set up, and our contact will continue to be limited.
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I told Jenny to fuck off today. It felt great. Usually I would feel bad if I said something like that to her, but she deserves it. I'm sick of her shit.

Edited to explain:

She called me today, and I answered since I haven't talked to her for a while. She asked about Annie, and got pissed off about me being in a relationship with her again. Her response was "That's fucking bullshit. You told me we'd talk when I got out. You're a fucking liar, blah blah blah." I was kind of a smart ass back. I told her we'd talk, but not about us. I drove my point into the ground, and let her know that there is NO chance that she and I will get back together, so she should just give up on it. Then she said "I can't believe you're picking that stupid little tramp over me." Um...first of all, Annie is the exact opposite of a tramp. Second of all, nobody talks about my girlfriend that way. Jenny went on to insult Annie some more, and that's when I got mad and said something to her. I won't go into detail about everything that was said, because then this thing would be way too long. She took it way too far though.

Then she decided to make personal attacks on me. She said something along the lines of "You have this holier than thou attitude, but you're a hypocrite because you're a fucking cokehead yourself. We both know you're going to fuck up again and go drink or do blow. So just get it over with and go do it already and stop pretending you're so much better than me, because you're the exact same. Don't come crying back to me when you fuck up and relapse, which you will. You're a lowly addict and you always will be. Stop pretending."

It was actually a bit harsher than that but I don't remember every single word, nor do I really want to. That's when I said "fuck you" and hung up the phone.

I am done talking to her. I am no longer going to be there for her all the time. I am just plain done. I wish I could cut her out of my life entirely, but I can't because of our son. I am absolutely through with Jenny though.
xxmadsenxx: (Default)
Should I take my son to see Jenny, or should I wait until she gets out?

Torn

Aug. 13th, 2008 08:16 pm
xxmadsenxx: (Default)
The visitation thing went just fine. Well, she made one TINY move on me when we were sitting at a table. She put her hand underneath the table and on my thigh, and she was rubbing my leg. I moved her hand away. I think she would have done more if it was just me and her, and Justin wasn't there. I'm glad he was there. It definitely would have been a bad idea to go on my own.

It was good to see her though. She seems to be doing a bit better. She's obviously still fucked up (mentally), but she seems like she's getting better. It will take time, but hopefully she's on her way to recovery and will stay on the path to recovery.

After we left, during her "phone time", she texted me and asked if I would ever take her back. My answer should have been "no"...but I said "I don't know. We'll talk when you get out of rehab."

I don't know what I want. :\ I want her, but at the same time I want to go back to Annie. I know that Annie is probably a better choice, but I don't know. Like I said before, I'm still so drawn to Jenny.

I know you all will think I'm an idiot for even thinking about being with her again, but part of me wants to see if it would work. I just don't really want to do that to Justin. :\ In an email she wrote, she said that leaving me/our divorce was the biggest mistake she has ever made in her life, and she would do anything to change it if she could. Whether that's true or not, I don't know. We'll see. I know Annie would be HEARTBROKEN if I got back with Jenny. I don't want to do that to her.

I just need to do a lot of thinking. I wish I wasn't so dependent on relationships. I feel like I need someone, and like I can't be by myself if I'm sober. I know that's not true, and that I CAN do it, but sometimes I feel like I can't. I just need someone there.

I feel guilty about having feelings for two girls at the same time, but I don't know what to do about it. I can't help it.

Ugh.

Anyway, I did take some advice from you guys...I told her that she needs to lay off a little bit with the calling and the texting. She seemed kind of bugged by that, but she agreed to cut back.
xxmadsenxx: (Default)
Jenny has visitation tomorrow. Should I go or not?
xxmadsenxx: (Default)
Well, she's there.

The night before she went, she went out with her friend and they did three balls...that's 10.5 grams, or 5.25 grams each. That's quite a bit. They stayed up all night, so she hadn't slept in at least 30-36 hours the day she went to rehab. I guess she wanted to go out with a bang. I can understand that though...you definitely want to do it one more time before you know you have to quit. At least I did.

I really hope this works for her. :\
xxmadsenxx: (Default)
She keeps texting me and begging me to not make her go.

That on top of her continuously telling me that she wants to be with me? I can't take this shit.
xxmadsenxx: (Default)
I met up with Justin today, and told him everything. Jenny will be on her way to rehab on Monday. She begged me to let her do coke one more time before she goes, but I am not going to enable her. If she's going to do it, she can do it on Justin's watch...I'm not going to be responsible for that. I have enabled her too much already.

She has spend at least $2500 on coke in the past two months or so...at least that's what she has kept track of. She said it could be closer to $3000. That's not all that she has done though, because her friend buys it too...so they have done close to twice that in two or three months. That's close to as bad as I was...but at least I had hook ups that would just give it to me sometimes, or at least charge me a lot less.

I still can't believe she brought that shit into MY house. It must have been a trigger, because I ended up having a really vivid dream about doing coke. Part of me didn't want to wake up from it, which isn't good. I still miss the stuff in a way, but I know that I'll never touch it again. I have no desire to. I hope she'll be able to get to that point. I just hope that rehab will work for her the FIRST time, unlike me...I went multiple times. But then again, I struggled with my addiction for over a decade.

I'm just really worried about her. Even though we aren't married anymore, I still feel the need to look out for her and protect her. I still love her with all my heart. I'm not IN LOVE with her anymore, but I will always love her. I want the best for her, and it kills me to see her doing this to herself. I finally understand what it feels like to be the person on the other side, rather than the addict. It's hard. I feel terrible for putting so many people through the same thing, year after year after year.

I feel bad for Justin. He has absolutely no experience dealing with things like this. He and I used to despise each other, but over the past few months we have actually become friends. I'll try to help him through it as much as I possibly can.

Jenny still claims that she doesn't have a problem. She says that it's a spending problem, because she impulsively spends money all the time, whether it's on clothes, makeup, or drugs. But spending a few thousand dollars on cocaine in the course of two or three months is NOT just a spending problem. Especially since she freaks the fuck out when she can't get coke if and when she wants it.

She needs help, and I'm really glad that she's finally going to get it.

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