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Uh oh. I'm in trouble. Annie came over about two hours ago. She just barely stormed out of my house because she saw an inappropriate text from Jenny...which simply said "I want to fuck you."
WTF? She should NOT be sending me texts like that. I'm getting really fed up with this whole thing.

I understand why Annie is upset...but she shouldn't be as mad at me as she is. I didn't do anything! Yeah, I have been putting up with her sending me shit like that...but it's not like I responded to it.

I need Jenny to back the fuck off. Being good friends is fine...this is not. I can't fucking deal with this shit right now.
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How can I tell Jenny to back off a bit without upsetting her too much? I don't want her to think that I don't care, because I do and I'll always be here for her. But our closeness causes problems in my relationship with Annie, and I don't want that to keep happening. I'm just not sure what to say to Jenny. I still want her to be able to confide in me, and I want to try to help her, but I guess it's going too far. Annie is afraid that I'm having an "emotional relationship" with Jenny. Depending on how you look at it, I suppose that could be true. But it's nothing like that. I'm just always there for her, and I know she'll always be there for me. Plus we have a son together. There is always going to be an emotional bond there.

I need to stop devoting so much time to Jenny. I can't keep talking to her all the time, because it's upsetting Annie. But I need to be there for Jenny at the same time. It's frustrating.

Still craving a drink. But obviously a cigarette will have to do.
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Annie is getting fed up with me talking to Jenny so much. We got into a little fight over it today. But what the fuck am I supposed to do? Jenny needs me right now. Jenny is still a huge part of my life, and she always will be. It's hard for Annie to accept and understand that though...which I can understand. But I need to be there for Jenny.

On a lighter note, Annie and I just celebrated our six month anniversary. We have been good friends for over a year though.
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She keeps texting me and begging me to not make her go.

That on top of her continuously telling me that she wants to be with me? I can't take this shit.
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I'm feeling extremely guilty right now. When she tried to kiss me, part of me wanted to kiss her back, even though I knew it wasn't the "real" Jenny.

I don't know what to think about that. I love my girlfriend, so I shouldn't be thinking about kissing Jenny. I can't seem to get it out of my head though. Jenny isn't making it any easier. As if trying to kiss me wasn't enough, she was texting me all night last night, which is fine, but some of the stuff she said was inappropriate. In some of the messages she implied that she wanted to be with me, and others had sexual connotations.

That shit is not ok. She has a boyfriend, I have a girlfriend. Not to mention, SHE is the one who left me...so she shouldn't be pulling this shit.

Then she bitched and moaned about being sober and needing drugs.

God, she needs rehab. She needs to get her life together.
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She is bat shit out of her mind. She tried to fucking kiss me. She was high out of her mind and tried to fucking kiss me. What the fuck?

Do I tell Justin about this one, or no? I don't really want to...I think she just needs to get into rehab and get everything sorted out. She has a lot of problems to deal with.

I am definitely not telling Annie about this.
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I think it's a bit sad that Jenny only sees Evan maybe once a week, or week and a half. Sometimes longer. It's very rare that she sees him twice or more in one week.

But then again, she used to pawn her daughter off to her ex-husband quite a bit too.

Don't get me wrong...she's a really good mother, she just can't do it on her own. She doesn't have the patience, and she doesn't like taking on full responsibility...it needs to be shared. Which it should be, but Jenny definitely needs someone there to help.

I just think it's sad. He sees Annie at least five times as much as he sees his own mother.
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So...I just got back from lunch with Jenny, and I don't know what to do.

We had a nice lunch, but when we went to my house and started talking things changed. We chose to go to my house because she wanted to see Evan, so we had our conversation there.

I mentioned the cuts on her arms and she broke down. She told me that she has been really depressed lately, and felt like hurting herself...so she did. She also confessed to me that she went on a three day coke binge, the end of which was last night. She has only gotten six hours of sleep in the past 72 hours. I'm not sure if that's solely because of the coke or if it's partly due to her bipolar disorder, since she used to go through periods of time where she wouldn't sleep much.

She needs help. I know she hasn't yet developed an addiction, but she's sick right now. She told me that she almost called me to take her to the hospital the other night, and I kinda wish she would have. I'm really worried about her.

I also find it kind of disturbing that she's keeping all of this from Justin. I'm glad that she still feels like she can come to me about things like this, but he needs to know. I told her that she should tell him about what's been going on, and she said that she doesn't want to. I don't know what to think of that. He and I are not exactly friends, but I almost feel guilty keeping all of this from him.

I don't know what to do.

I guess he asked about the cuts on her arms a few days ago, and she said that the cat scratched her. I'm sure he didn't buy it, but I guess he left it alone. When I first mentioned the cuts she TRIED giving me that excuse, but I saw right through it and she knew that, so she confessed to doing it herself.

She is being SO self-destructive, and I have absolutely no idea what to do about it. It breaks my heart to see her doing these things to herself, and her growing drug use really worries me. She told me that the reason she has been doing these things is because she needs to feel something. I can understand that, just as I can understand using to avoid feeling certain things. Feeling entirely empty is horrible, and sometimes you need to feel something...anything. I typically used to avoid certain feelings and to escape from reality, but I have been where she is right now.

I just don't know what to do. I want to help her, but I don't think I know how to.

She tried to justify her cocaine use by saying it's usually only two or three times a month, but that is still far too much. I don't want to see her become an addict, and she CAN'T keep going on binges that last for days.

Fuck...I don't even know.
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My son now officially lives with me, permanently! I still feel like it's a bit sad that Jenny was willing to just hand him over like that, but I'm thrilled about it.

I can't believe he's already two years old! It's amazing how fast time goes by.

I have changed so much in the past year. It's crazy. I don't even have the desire to drink or do drugs, at all. I realize now that it's just not worth it. I have too much to live for, and I can't do that to my son. So I'm still happily sober.

Speaking of sobriety...I found out that my ex-wife has started doing coke on occasion. She flipped the fuck out on me, yet now she's doing the exact same fucking thing. Granted, she's not an addict (yet), but it pisses me off that she's doing that. I found out through a mutual friend. I don't think that Justin (her former ex-husband, now current boyfriend) even knows. I don't like the guy, but I almost want to tell him. I think he should know. I won't though. I don't know...I don't think it's my place to say anything, but I can't decide. What do you think? (If anyone is reading this)

She has been going through a lot lately. Jenny (my ex-wife) is bipolar, and she's been on one of her "crazy streaks" as we jokingly called them for a while. I know that's why she's out doing drugs and drinking. That's not like her, AT ALL. Part of me will always love her, so I'm worried about her. I noticed cuts on her arms the last time I saw her, too. She needs to get help. I don't want to see her keep doing all these self-destructive things. Even though I now have custody, she still needs to be there for Evan, and for her daughter...so she needs to do something about whatever is going on in her life right now.

Oh, Annie and I are together. I know it's a bit soon, but I REALLY like her. A lot. We haven't been together for very long, but I am falling for her, hard. I know I love her, but I'm afraid to tell her...even though we were best friends for months before we started dating. I'm such a fucking chicken about shit like that. I'm still kind of afraid of getting into a new relationship already, but it's exciting at the same time. Annie is an amazing person, and I'm lucky to have her.

Hmmm, what else? Oh, school sucks. I'm sticking with it, but I still hate it. I have a test on Thursday and I have over two hundred fucking pages to read before then. Probably about 250. I'm behind on reading because I procrastinate, bad. Plus I have ADD but I'm obviously not going to take anything like Adderall, or any other "controlled substance". I know it will be worth it in the end, but right now I hate it.

I guess that's enough for now. Sorry, that was long.
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As most of you that read my journal should know, Jenny is pregnant. And as some of you may know, she's been dealing with an eating disorder on and off for a few years now.

Well, we went to the mall for a few hours with her mom and her niece and nephew today, and stopped to eat at the food court. I never know what to think about her eating habits. She'll eat healthy for a while, then start binging, and sometimes it's just one "slip up" as she calls it, but sometimes she goes and purges it. I can usually tell when she binges and plans on purging, because she'll go on eating normally for a while, then spontaneously get a bunch of junk. I didn't think anything of it, since she's pregnant and as a result has been less restrictive about what she eats and has been indulging, which she should. Anyway, she went to Hot Dog on a Stick and got a veggie dog, fries, and lemonade. No big deal, right? It's just one meal. For the next little while she kept talking about how she shouldn't have eaten that, especially the fries, and how she was going to be huge, and how she regretted it, etc. etc. etc. Well, as soon as we got home, she went straight to the bathroom. She was in there for a while, so I went to check on her to see if she was okay, and she told me that it was just morning sickness. By the way, I don't know why they call it that, because it seems like it happens a lot more than just in the morning. So, I believed her and left her alone.

Later on, she wanted to order pizza. She ate to the point where she said she was uncomfortable, and headed to the bathroom right after again. Once again, she was sick. And once again, she claimed it was just morning sickness. I kind of suspected something, but I left her alone about it.

After an hour or two, she went back to the pizza, and was snacking on stuff with one of her friends. And, surprise surprise, she went straight to the bathroom after that, too. Well, this time I was quite sure something was up, so I just opened the door to the bathroom without knocking and asking if she was okay, and I caught her purging.

I don't know what to do. I confronted her about it, and told her that she needs to stop this, especially because she's pregnant, and now she's mad at me. I honestly have no idea what to do. I don't know what to say to her. I don't know how to get her to stop. I don't think it's something she's been doing on a regular basis since we found out that she's pregnant, but she shouldn't be doing it at all. I don't want her hurting herself, and I don't want her hurting the baby. I'm at a loss as to what to do though. She'll kill me if I tell her mom. But her mom wouldn't be the best person to tell anyway...they'd just fight about it.

If any of you have ANY advice, help me out...because I have no idea what to do. Thanks.


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April 2013



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