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It's fucking freezing. We have a foot of snow in our yard. Literally, 12". Fucking sucks. Evan LOVES it. I hate it. He's been outside playing in it all day. And guess who got to shovel it all? Me. Conveniently, the snowblower is out of gas, and I couldn't get out of the driveway to go get any without shoveling it. I am so over the snow already, and it's only November. Ugh.

On the plus side, all I have to do the rest of the day is sit around doing nothing. Oh, and eat a lot. For breakfast I had apple pie and pumpkin pie. Then later I had cake that's like, half cake and half cheesecake. All the weight I unintentionally lost should be back in no time at all at this rate haha. And we have a bunch of stuffed shells left over from Jenny's grandma's birthday party last night. Jenny's mom made them, so they're the same as the ones Jenny makes that are AMAZING. Now I want go to eat some. Hmmm...

Oh yeah, speaking of snow, according to Jenny I was mean to Ella haha. I wanted to show her snow, so I bundled her up and took her outside and stuck her hand in it. She hated it and cried. Smart girl. I knew she was a genius. She cried and pretty much yelled at me. Seriously...she's six and a half months old and she yelled at me. I got "DADA!!!!" mid-crying. I thought it was funny. Jenny thought it was sad. Evan said he was going to throw "a baby sized snowball" at Ella and I told him I'd whitewash him if he did. Jenny also said that was mean. I wouldn't really. I told him I was kidding, but that he'd better not. So he threw one at me instead.

No work tomorrow. Hell yes!

Things are still great with Jenny. She's doing so well. It's amazing how quickly she turned things around. She's trying really hard and it shows. I think she needed the Seroquel in addition to her other meds. Her psychiatrist said he doesn't think she'll need it forever, but wants her on it for at least the next six months. Now that she's a lot more stable we're going to start couple's therapy again. We need to be really diligent about it, just like she has to be with her own personal therapy. I have to say, I'm still a little afraid of getting married. Well, not afraid. Anxious. Today Jenny said, "I have so much planning and stuff to do! Our wedding is only four months and 12 days away!" I just thought, "Holy shit, that's soon." Instead I just kinda did the smile and nod thing and made some generalized comment like "Yeah, there's a lot to do" or something like that. It's going to be here before we know it. Crazy. Don't get me wrong, I'm really happy to be marrying her. I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life with anyone else. It just makes me a little nervous, and it's crazy that it's coming up so soon.

I really will catch up with you guys for real tonight.
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The dry spell is OVER! Very over. As in, it was over a couple times last night, and over again on my lunch break today. I'm sure you all want to know all about that. (Being sarcastic.) But since I have bitched about it so much over the past few months, I figured I should make a post about how I can stop bitching about it now haha. Last night was pretty amazing. And today, about an hour before my lunch break, I got this text: "Hey baby. You should come home on your lunch break. ;) I promise it will be worth your while! xoxo" So, I kept looking at the clock, just waiting until it was time for lunch. So, needless to say, I rushed home haha. It was a great lunch. Then after lunch, I got this text: "I very much enjoyed your lunch break. You should come home for 'lunch' more often. So, how about a repeat of last night tonight? I say we try to put the kids to bed early. Love you!" Yeah, it was hard to think of anything else for the rest of the work day. I'm kind of surprised at how much I got done. I know Evan won't go to bed early. He'll protest, since it's summer and there's no school. So really, it's not even worth trying before 10:00. He's always out playing with his friends until it's almost time for bed now, so hopefully they'll do something that will wear him out so he'll actually want to go to bed haha.

You have no idea how relieved I am that this dry spell is over! Well, you probably do, because of how much I have whined about it. But damn, I'm happy about it. I was already looking forward to this weekend, but now I'm looking forward to it a million times more. Just Jenny and me all weekend, no kids. It's going to be fucking amazing. I am very excited, to say the least.

I still can't get over how amazingly hot this new dark hair is. Seriously.
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Jenny is a brunette now! Now only did she dye her hair dark, but she cut it off. The whole time I've known her (almost eight years), she has been blonde. She's naturally brunette, but she has always had blonde hair. And it has been long for most of that time. She cut it shorter a few times, but for the most part she usually has long hair. Her hair was really long before she cut it today. Like about to the middle of her back. So earlier today she had long, blonde hair, and then she came home with dark hair that just barely touches her shoulders. It's not super dark, but it's a dark brown.

I was floored when I saw her. The second I saw her I'm pretty sure my jaw dropped, and all I said was "Oh.My.God." Partially because I was shocked, and partially because it looks SO fucking hot. She put her hand to her hair in kind of a shy way, and asked "Do you like it? It's so different! I can't decide what I think about it. It throws me off when I look in the mirror, because I'm so used to seeing a blonde." I told her that I absolutely LOVE it.

She told me she did it impulsively, which doesn't surprise me. It seems like an impulse thing. She said, "I was there (at the hair salon) and thought, 'hey, I'm turning 30, so why not do something way different?' so I just decided to on a whim." She's freaking out about turning 30, so it's not surprising that she did something like that for that reason, if that's why she did it, which it sounds like it is. But whatever the reason, I fucking love it.

I have a thing for girls with dark hair and blue eyes. Jenny has dark hair now, gorgeous blue eyes, and she's pretty pale. I think that's the hottest combination. I have always had a thing for brunettes. Especially pale brunettes with blue eyes. I don't know what it is about that combination, but I love it. She was wearing bright red lipstick, too, which made it that much hotter. I love red lipstick on girls. It's not so great if you're kissing them, haha. But it looks so hot.

Jenny was absolutely beautiful as a blonde, but I think I like the dark hair even better. I seriously could not even take my eyes off of her. And later on, after both kids are asleep, I'm sure I won't be able to keep my hands off of her either, haha. Hopefully something comes of that...but anyway, I love the dark hair. I like the shorter length, too. It was pretty when it was long, but I like the new haircut. Going from having long, blonde hair to shorter dark hair is such a huge change. I hope she doesn't decide she doesn't like it and go back to blonde right away, because I seriously love this look on her, in case you couldn't tell by how many times I've said it haha.

Please, please, please let this dry spell end tonight!

Fascinating entry, I know. Haha.
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It's 4:30 in the morning and I'm STILL awake. Ugh. I know, I know...way too many entries for one day. But I have nothing better to do right now.

So, Jenny's 30th birthday is on the 14th. I'm planning a little getaway for us. Probably for the whole weekend, but I'm not sure yet. I'll have to make arrangements for the kids, obviously. I'm sure my mom will watch them. I'll ask her about it tomorrow. I think a little mini vacation is just what we need, and I think it will be a nice way to celebrate her birthday. We'll do dinner and cake and stuff with the family and close friends on Thursday, her actual birthday, but I want it to be just us on the weekend. A little romantic getaway.

Jenny said she wanted a pendant necklace. I wasn't entirely sure what that was at first, but I found one that I think she'll love. We just got a Tiffany's here a few months ago, which Jenny was very excited about, since she's a jewelry lover. It's not like I'll be buying her stuff from there all the time, haha. And she won't be buying herself much from there either. But I went in there and found one I know she'll love. When I saw it I knew she had to have it, because it just screams Jenny. She has earrings similar to it, so I know she'll like the design of it. It's her style.

This is the necklace: http://www.tiffany.com/Shopping/Item.aspx?fromGrid=1&sku=25973178&mcat=148204&cid=578594&search_params=s+5-p+11-c+578594-r+-x+-n+6-ri+-ni+0-t+

I'm excited to give it to her. It's fucking expensive for a necklace that's just silver, no gemstones or anything, but whatever. It's a big birthday and I know she'll love it, so I wanted to get it for her. I know she'll be ecstatic when she sees the little blue box, even before she opens it hahaha.

I bought this one for her online the other day, just because we have this little thing with infinity. It's super cheesy, haha. But we're both pretty cheesy, so it's our special cheesy thing. http://www.tiffany.com/Shopping/Item.aspx?fromGrid=1&sku=GRP04743&mcat=148204&cid=287458&search_params=s+5-p+7-c+287458-r+101674965-x+-n+6-ri+-ni+0-t+n+12-cg+viewPaged-c+287458-s+5-r+101674965-t+-ri+-ni+1-x+-pu+-f+

She's very unhappy about the fact that she'll be 30, so I want to make it a really good birthday for her. It's certainly not going to be a cheap one, with the jewelry and the little trip, but I think it will be a good one. :) I definitely spent more than I was planning on, but that's ok. Turning 30 is worth a splurge. She'd better be happy with two things from Tiffany's and a weekend getaway haha.

Ok, now I'm actually going to bed. Which means that Ella will be waking up soon, I'm sure.
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Happy Mother's Day to all you moms and moms-to-be out there! I hope you all have a great day today. You deserve it.

I'm very thankful for the moms in my life.

Jenny is such a great mother. You'd never know that she was the opposite of that for a few years by looking at her now. Evan and Ella are lucky to have such a good mom. I couldn't ask for a better mother for my kids. She's sweet, loving, caring, and always thinks of fun things to do with Evan and her daughter. She's also a much better disciplinarian than I am haha. For sure. Not that she's very strict or anything, because she's not. But she's much better at the discipline thing than I am. But yeah, she's an awesome mom. Not to mention, she makes really cute kids. Haha. Or I guess I should say we do.

My mom is amazing beyond amazing. She is by far the strongest person I know. I have said this many, many times before, but she's my rock. She is the one who stood by me through everything and never gave up on me. I put her through A LOT of shit, but she stayed by my side the whole time. She has been there my whole life to love and support me, no matter what. She has made SO many sacrifices for me, and I can never repay her for that. She is such a good grandma to Evan and Ella. I don't know what I would have done without my mom's help when I was on my own with Evan for a few years. I don't think I could have done it without her. My mom is the best mom in the world. I'm proud to be a mama's boy haha. I love my mom to death.

We're going to my mom's house for dinner tonight. It will be me, Jenny, Evan, Ella, B, my mom, my mom's boyfriend, my sister, my brother and his fiancee, my grandma, my aunt, my cousin and his wife, and their son...the one Evan plays with all the time. So it will be nice. I hope all of you guys have a good day too, whether you're celebrating or not!
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I have felt so incredibly close to Jenny lately. I'm sure feeling better the past few days has had a lot to do with it, but it started before that. Pretty much right after we had that conversation about working things out. It seems like a really sudden change, I know. I went from saying what a "crazy bitch" she was (which I shouldn't say), to saying how happy I am with her. She has been so supportive of me through all the shit I've been going through, and so loving and caring. When we talked she said she realized she had been taking me for granted, which I think is true, but I've realized that I was also taking her for granted in some ways. It's important to remember how grateful you are for the person you're in love with. Even though things are great right now, we're most definitely still going to work on our relationship. I don't want this to just be a calm period. I'm still just as determined as I was before to work on our relationship, and so is she. I'm really glad that we made up and decided to work on things before Ella gets here. Having a newborn while not getting along would be horrible. As if having a baby isn't stressful enough. It's a good kind of stress though, if that makes sense. Don't get me wrong...if we were still having such bad relationship problems I'd still be just as happy about Ella, but the situation would be far from ideal. She'll be here in less than two months! Crazy. Time is flying now.

This is day three of feeling better! I still feel a bit down some of the time, but I just try to think of happy things and wait to talk about the bad stuff with my therapist. Well, I write some of it down sometimes. But I'm going to use that when I talk to her. I have another appointment tomorrow.

Possibly a little TMI, but my sex drive is finally back too. Which is good, because Jenny actually still has one. We should take advantage of that while we still can, because in a couple weeks I know it will change. Then there's the mandatory six sexless weeks (if not more) after the baby is born. So at least it came back before then.

I've been thinking about Jeremy a lot today. Not in a sad way, though. I've been feeling nostalgia, but not a ton of sadness. Some, but not a lot. It's nice to be able to think about him without getting all sad and depressed about it. I sure miss him though. But I always do. I always will. It was hard to go from being "the twins" to just being Chris. I mean, I was always me. But Jeremy was a part of my identity. He still is, but it's much different. I think losing that part of myself has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with. His death was the hardest thing I've ever gone through. But feeling like I lost a part of myself and trying to move past that has been so hard. I still need to work on it, and it has been almost 12 and a half years. But for a big chunk of that time I was still drinking and using, so I wasn't really dealing with it at all. Facing your problems is hard...especially when they're huge, life-changing things like that. I think the whole Jeremy thing is still one of my biggest issues. My biggest issue is facing feelings and trying to deal with them in a healthy way, but Jeremy's death is one of the hardest things for me to deal with. It's hard to face it. I've been reflecting on it. I'll probably write about that at some point in the near future.

That's all I've got for now.
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No. You have to get to know someone before you can fall in love with them. I believe in infatuation at first sight though, and certainly lust at first sight. Lust at first sight happens all the time. Infatuation at first sight happens less often. Love at first sight can't happen. I was definitely infatuated with Jenny the first time I saw her.

I met Jenny at a party thrown by a girl named Candice, who turned out to be a mutual friend. A few of my friends and I were sitting at a table on the deck, drinking beer and talking. I was facing the door, and saw her for the first time through the glass. She was standing at the kitchen counter getting a drink. I was mesmerized. I couldn’t stop looking at her. She was laughing, but I couldn’t hear anything through the glass, so I didn’t know who she was talking to or what she was laughing about. All I knew was that I had to meet her. Once she had her drink, she turned and walked away in the other direction. I asked Candice who she was. She told me her name was Jenny, and that they went to high school together and had recently started hanging out again. I asked if she was single, and Candice told me that she was. I didn't really think I had a chance with her, but I figured it was worth a try. I HAD to meet her. Then she asked if I wanted her to introduce me. My response was, "Hell yes, I do!" I looked through the glass door again, hoping to catch another glimpse of her. Right then, I saw her walking our way toward the door.

She came outside, and sat down in the empty chair between me and the friend who threw the party. I was SO excited that she sat right next to me. I couldn't believe my luck. Candice turned to face Jenny and said, “Jenny, this is my friend Chris. You know everyone else,” and gestured to everyone else at the table. Jenny smiled at me and said, “Nice to meet you, Chris.” She stuck out her hand to shake mine, in a half-serious introductory way. I fumbled the beer I was holding in my right hand and almost spilled it, before successfully putting it down on the table and shaking her hand. She laughed and said, “Smooth move! Nice save, though!” I made an ass out of myself just seconds after meeting her. I felt like SUCH an idiot. I NEVER acted that way with girls. I was a bit of a ladies' man for quite a while, for lack of a better term, haha. I never got nervous like that. Certainly never nervous enough to fumble a drink. But when I met Jenny, I was pretty obviously nervous. Nervous enough to make a fool out of myself. I was seriously mesmerized by her from the moment I saw her. Not in love...infatuated.

Jenny stayed at the table with my friends and me. We all drank, talked, and joked around as a group. Throughout the night, she kept giving me flirty looks and smiles. After a while, she turned to me and asked me if I wanted to go get a drink with her. I told her I’d go get her one, but she smiled and said, “No. I want you to go get one with me.” She took my hand and led me inside. As I turned around to shut the door behind us, I saw Candice give me a thumbs-up sign. I was really nervous. I didn’t know why Jenny asked me to get a drink with her, instead of having me just get one for her, like I’d offered. I had no complaints though. I was thrilled that she asked me to go with her, and even more thrilled when she took me by the hand.

We ended up talking one-on-one for quite a while. She actually ended up asking me out. Well, first she put her number in my phone and told me to call her. Then she asked me if I wanted to hang out sometime. I was floored. I seriously couldn't believe that she asked me out. Of course I said yes. We went on a few dates and hung out for a while before we even kissed, so we were basically friends for a while first. Flirty friends, but friends. Actually, we were strictly friends for a few months before we started dating. We started out with a few dates but then switched to being just friends, since she was in the middle of a divorce and was stressed about it (although they had already been separated for nine months when we met, so it's not like she was cheating on him with me). But then we started dating and quickly became inseparable, and it just went from there.

I fell in love hard, fast. But not at first sight. I don't think love at first sight is possible. But with Jenny, it was about as close as you can get. I remember EVERYTHING from that night; what she was wearing, our entire conversation, everything. Every single detail. Thinking about that day gives me kind of a high. A natural high, so it's all good. It's nice to reminisce about things like that.

I'm so sappy lol. But that's nothing new. I had to go to work really early today, so I got off a few hours early. So writing sappy LJ entries is how I'm spending my time haha.
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That was a long subject line haha.

Just recently I was saying that it seemed like Jenny's pregnancy was going by kind of slowly, but not anymore! Now that it's January it just dawned on me, that holy shit...the baby will be here in about four months. Crazy.

We need to start getting stuff ready, or at least start thinking about it more lol. We kinda talked about that a little bit last night, like getting the baby's room ready and all of that. Jenny is going to start dragging me shopping like crazy. That's not an understatement. Seriously, I'm going to be dragged into every baby store and baby department of stores, and every place that sells baby anything. I mean, I'm happy to go, but she is seriously going to go crazy with it. She's a bit of a shopaholic as it is, and she has already bought the baby a bunch of stuff. But she's going to go crazy with the room. And I know everything is going to be pink. Overwhelmingly pink. Sickeningly pink. Not that I have anything against pink, but Jenny goes crazy for everything pink, and she's always pointing out (and buying) all this pink baby stuff. That room is probably going to end up looking like gallons and gallons of Pepto Bismol exploded all over the place. And I'm probably going to be the one who has to paint it. I'll be seeing nothing but pink by the time I'm done. If I even tried to say we should hire someone, she'd roll her eyes at me and say "just do it," lol. So there's no point in even trying. Oh well, whatever. Whatever makes her happy. I guess hiring someone to paint one room isn't really worth it anyway. I fucking HATE painting though. It's fine for about the first 45 minutes, but after that, I hate it. HATE it. And it takes a hell of a lot longer than 45 minutes lol. The worst part is the edges and like door frames and all that shit.

We're talking about names a little more now. We still have four months, so it's not like there's a huge rush or anything. But I guess it would be nice to have one picked out. I don't know, I don't really care. Ok, that sounded bad. I do care. I just mean that I don't care whether or not we come up with a name in the immediate future. As long as the baby ends up with a name when she's here and isn't "Baby Girl Madsen" forever, that's really all that matters haha.

I am SO happy that Jenny and I are back on good terms. We obviously have some things we need to work on, both individually and as a couple. Obviously we'll have arguments and occasionally fight, but we can't go beyond that. It can't be the way that it was recently. We have talked about it quite a bit since. It's stupid for us to fight like that. We really, really love each other and are really excited and happy about the family we have together, and it's just stupid to let bullshit, overly dramatic fights like that get in the way of things. I'm sure it will happen again at some point. But I'm hoping fights like that will be few and far between. Ideally, they'd never happen...but knowing us, that's not realistic. As long as we make a major effort to work on things, we'll be fine. Relationships are so far from easy, and Lord knows ours has been rocky as hell, and downright crazy at times. But at the end of the day, we love each other and want to be together, and we'll do everything we can to make it work. I have faith in us.
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Sorry, yet another entry! And another sappy one at that. I'm sorry for flooding your friends pages lately.

I just went into our bedroom to check on Jenny. I wanted to make sure she was ok, and see if she needed anything. She was asleep, curled up in a ball with her head resting on her hands. She looked so cute and so peaceful. I quietly slipped out of the room, because I didn't want to wake her. This sounds EXTREMELY lame and cheesy as hell, I know, but she looked like a little angel. Even when she's asleep, she's stunningly beautiful.

Sometimes the tiniest little things like that make me think about how much I love her, and how happy I am to be with her. I have been in love a few times before, but I have never been as in love with someone as I am with Jenny. Not even close. I am so insanely in love with her; I don't even know how to begin to describe it. I am SO thankful to have her back in my life. I'm really glad we were able to work things out. I seriously never thought it would happen. At one point I didn't even want to have anything to do with her. I wanted her out of my life completely a few years ago. But now I can't imagine life without her. I am SO happy that things changed. Our relationship is better than it has ever been. Second time's the charm, I guess!

I can't wait to marry her. I know it's technically "just a piece of paper," and it doesn't really change anything, but it's important to me. I know we were married before, and marrying an ex-spouse seems kind of weird, but I want it more than anything. I can't wait. I don't know how to explain why marriage is so important to me. I guess it just kind of solidifies things...it's a huge, meaningful commitment. I think that really is the only way I'm traditional. I don't care if other people get married or not (although EVERYONE should have the right to, but that's another topic entirely). That's their choice. But it's important to me, in my life. The fact that we're engaged makes me SO happy. I'm elated about the fact that I get to spend the rest of my life with her, and have the perfect little family that I've always wanted. Well, no family is perfect. But this feels pretty damn close.

Overall, life is so great right now. I still can't believe I turned 32 this month...I feel so fucking old. Well, I don't feel old, but I feel old when I think about my age. It's crazy. I never really thought I'd make it this far. I didn't necessarily think "I'm going to die before then," (although that was a definite possibility, and it's somewhat surprising that I didn't) but I didn't really see a future for myself. I never thought I'd make it to where I am now. I went from being a hardcore drug addict and alcoholic, doing absolutely nothing good with my life, to having a great life. I never thought I'd be able to stay clean this long, and I never thought I'd finish school. I have greatly exceeded my own expectations, and that's a huge understatement. Now I have sobriety, an education, a beautiful fiancee, the best son in the world, and a daughter on the way. I seriously couldn't be happier.

Ok, I'll stop being sappy now.
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I can't sleep, and for some reason I started thinking about some of my former girlfriends. Not in a nostalgic way...I don't miss any of them or anything. The subject of old girlfriends just popped into my head. They were all so much different than Jenny. It's strange.

Girlfriends from my drugged out days...under a cut because this ended up being way longer than I intended. Some of it might be a little TMI. )
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Tomorrow is our two year anniversary. That's close to as long as we were together before. We were together from the beginning of September 2004 to the end of May in 2007. So a little over two and a half years. We were engaged after only eight months, and married at 13 months. So maybe we rushed it a little. I don't know. It felt right at the time. It's SO much better this time around though. Things were really good for about the first half of our relationship originally, but that changed dramatically. I'm really happy that it's so much different this time around. It's like the way we were originally, before our relationship went to complete shit. It's really nice, and I couldn't be happier. We've had a few fights, but most couples do. Overall, the last two years have been great. I'm so glad that she's a part of mine and Evan's life again. She went from being a crazy bitch (for lack of a nicer term) and a shitty mother, to being the amazing woman I originally fell in love with and a great mother. I feel kind of bad for saying that about her, but it's the truth. Seriously, she did a complete 180. I had some of the worst times of my life with Jenny, but ALL of the best times in my life have been with her. Our relationship has been a crazy rollercoaster ride, so I'm SO thankful that it calmed down and that everything has been going so well the past two years.

My mom is taking Evan for the weekend so that we can have some alone time for our anniversary. We're going to take a little weekend trip. Not anywhere far away, since it's just for the weekend, but it's still a chance to get away and spend time together. I would love it if we could take a longer trip somewhere, but Evan starts kindergarten on Monday, so we need to be home by Sunday evening at the latest. Preferably Sunday afternoon. So it will just be a two night thing. I'm supposed to leave in like 45 minutes, so I guess I should get off the computer now. We're off to kind of a late start. I'm really looking forward to spending the weekend alone together. We don't get to do that very often, so it will be really nice to have a couple days with just the two of us. It's going to be a good weekend. :)
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It's kinda funny yet sad that I had to come home early because Jenny got upset after watching one of those Kardashian shows. Well, I didn't have to, but she was upset and I was able to leave early, so I did. I didn't really know what the hell was going on, so I texted B and asked him to distract Evan by playing video games or something so that I could talk to Jenny. She really watches E! way too much. It was the show with Khloe (WHY do I have to know their names?) and her husband. I hate shit like that. But anyway, she gave me a summary of the episode. Khloe wants to get pregnant, and she went to the doctor and found out that she might have endometriosis. She's worried that she won't be able to have a baby because of it, and talks about how a lot of women with endometriosis can't get pregnant. Then she finds out that she doesn't have it. The subject matter upset Jenny, since it hit close to home. But getting upset over a fucking Kardashian show? Seriously? Of all shows to have an emotional reaction to?

She said "What if I can't get pregnant again, or if I have another miscarriage?" And then she said something ridiculous: "Khloe was saying she was afraid because a lot of husbands leave if their wives can't get pregnant. I don't want that to happen." My response was kind of insensitive, I guess. But I really couldn't believe that stupid show upset her so much. I said "That's stupid. You're really this upset because of Khloe Kardashian's stupid show? Seriously?" Then she said "You don't have to be an asshole about it. It's not the show, it's the subject matter." So I apologized. She said "I'm just afraid. Just, what if I can't have another baby? What would happen then?" I was still thinking "this is so fucking stupid", but of course I didn't say that. I told her she had nothing to be afraid of, and that nothing would happen if she couldn't have another baby. I said it was stupid that the thought of me leaving her because of that would even cross her mind. She told me to stop saying everything was stupid. I realized I shouldn't have phrased it that way and apologized. I told her that I would never leave her because of something like that, even if Evan wasn't here and we could never have any kids at all. I really don't see how she could think I would do that. I don't know if she's just being insecure and worrying because she's upset or if she's kind of milking it, because sometimes she's just overly dramatic for no good reason. Not as much as she used to be, but it still happens sometimes. I don't think she does it on purpose all the time, but I think it's at least partially intentional sometimes. Either way, she's blowing things way out of proportion. I can understand worrying about not being able to have another baby just because we both really want one, but worrying about that other shit is just stupid.

We both want another baby, but if we can't have one it's not the end of the world. I'm happy with the one we have. Plus there's always the adoption option. But I think she'll be able to have more kids. Her doctor said that she shouldn't have trouble with it after the surgery. I mean, it's not a 100% guarantee. But even her doctor said she shouldn't worry about it, so she really shouldn't worry as much as she does. It's not like today is the first time she's been worried about that...she worries about it quite a bit. That and miscarrying again. I think that's a big concern for both of us. I've said this many times before, but the second miscarriage was way harder than the first one since she was almost 15 weeks pregnant when it happened. Neither of us want to go through that again, but if it happens, it happens. I really hope it won't, but there's nothing we can do about it. I honestly think everything will be fine now though.

Women are weird sometimes.

Well, I'm off to go see that stupid Smurfs movie.
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I'm working right now (but obviously not too hard, since I'm on here) and Jenny keeps sending me sexy/dirty texts. It's extremely distracting, but in a good way. It started with "You know what tomorrow is, right? ;)" As of tomorrow it has been two weeks since her surgery, meaning she can have sex again. The texts just kept coming from there. It's driving me crazy. But once again, in a good way. It sucks that we have to wait until tomorrow...or at least we should. Oh well, I have that "Evan and Daddy Day" with Evan after work anyway. So at least that's a nice distraction. Ok, nice minus the Smurfs. Maybe midnight counts as tomorrow, haha. I'm a bit sexually frustrated, if that isn't extremely obvious lol.

**Edited to add: Jenny just brought me lunch. She wore a shirt that shows a lot of cleavage. She knows I love that shirt on her. It makes her breasts look amazing. I mean, they always look really good, but this is one of those shirts that really shows them off. Not in a slutty way...in a sexy way. She obviously wore that shirt on purpose, for the sake of exciting me more. She's such a tease sometimes. It's ok though. I like it.
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It's amazing to me how much Jenny has turned herself around. She has changed for the better in every way possible. The change I'm most happy about is that she has become a much better mother to both Evan and her daughter. I hate to say it, but she was a pretty shitty mother to both of them for a while. I know a lot of her past behavior had to do with various unresolved problems she had, but that doesn't excuse it. It may help explain it, but it definitely doesn't excuse it. Now that she has dealt with those issues and has been working diligently to change things, there has been a complete 180. She's a wonderful mother now, and I am so happy about that.

I think it's kind of sad that neither of her children live with her. That's definitely not the norm when it comes to mothers and their children. Not saying that the norm is right or wrong, but the situation isn't typical. I am beyond thankful that I have custody of Evan though. I can't even imagine not being with him every day. It's sad that she was so distant from both of her kids for so long, but that is finally changing. Her daughter lives with Justin, but Jenny sees her often. And obviously Jenny sees Evan a lot now, since we have been back together for quite a while. He has always loved his mom, and has always been attached to a certain extent, but not nearly as much as he is now. I hope her abandonment (which is basically what it was) hasn't done any type of permanent damage to him. I don't think it has...everything seems to be fine. I think the only thing that has been damaged is his bond with Jenny, but hopefully that's just temporary.

He's definitely more strongly attached to me (understandably), and I think it upsets Jenny sometimes. For example, if he falls down, has a bad dream, etc., he goes to me rather than Jenny, if we're both there. If we're watching a movie, he'll almost always come sit in my lap or snuggle up against me instead of her. He gets excited to see Jenny, and they have gotten a lot closer, but I'm definitely the "primary parent". in every way possible. I'm certainly not complaining about that, but I hope that their relationship will continue to improve. It seems to be getting better and better. I know she's trying really hard, and she's doing a great job. It will just take some time. I'm really happy that she has finally become so involved in his life. I'm glad he has his mom back...I just hope it remains a constant thing. Things have been going amazingly well for a long time now, and I have more and more faith each day that it will stay this way, but there is definitely still some doubt in the back of my mind. I guess I'm still a bit wary. But so far, so good.
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Here's an entirely positive entry. I have good news.

1) My mom had the surgery, and she's doing pretty well. They did the mastectomy and removed some lymph nodes, and they think they got it all...I guess it was still pretty localized. She'll still be doing chemo for a while, to make sure all the cancer cells are gone/destroyed and to help prevent it from coming back, but things seem to be looking up. I am so relieved. I mean, obviously it's not all over and done with, but her oncologist is hopeful and thinks the prognosis is good. Thank God.

2) Jenny hit her two-year sobriety mark on August 4th. I'm so proud of her. She has made such a huge turnaround. Everything is still great with her.

3) Evan read "Green Eggs and Ham" to me all by himself. The entire book. I didn't have to help him with any of the words. I'm proud of my little guy. He loves reading, too...so that's definitely a good thing.
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Geez, I really need to sign in to this thing more often. Everything is still great, but I'm just busy all the time. Between work, school, my internship, Jenny, and of course my son, I have hardly any free time anymore. The only "me time" I get is late at night.

Evan turned 4 on February 11th. He has grown up so fast! It's crazy how time flies. I suppose I'm a bit biased, but he is such a great kid. I'm so lucky to have him.

Jenny is still doing well, and as of two weeks ago she has been clean for 18 months. Speaking of sobriety, I'll hit the 3 year mark in a week and a half!

I am really happy to be with Jenny again, now that she's back to her old self. I'm still a bit wary about it though. It's hard not to be. I've been on a Beatles kick lately, and the song "Girl" makes me think of Jenny. Specifically the first two verses:

Is there anybody going to listen to my story
All about the girl who came to stay?
She's the kind of girl you want so much
It makes you sorry
Still you don't regret a single day.
Ah girl

When I think of all the times I've tried so hard to leave her
She will turn to me and start to cry
And she promises the earth to me
And I believe her
After all this time I don't know why
Ah girl

It fits so well. I have never stopped loving her, even though I wished I could for so long. I think that was probably pretty obvious to everyone, including everyone here. When we first reconciled I was extremely guarded, and I was trying to not fall so hard again so fast, but I couldn't help it. Like I said, I have never stopped loving her, but it had died down...I don't really know how to explain it. I had moved on for the most part, but not entirely. At first I kept telling myself to keep my distance, but I couldn't help myself, and now I'm whipped again. I am so in love with her. I just hope it doesn't make me sorry again.

I guess a lot of my walls have come down, but not all of them. I still have a lot of reservations, and she knows that; not only from what I have told her, but also from what she has observed. Of course I'm not cold toward her...I'm anything but. I'm just not ready to fully trust her yet, and I won't be ready to for a long time. It's going to take quite a while for her to regain my trust, and for me to let down my guard. She has told me multiple times that our divorce was the biggest mistake of her life. I wrote about her telling me that when she was still in rehab, and she has said it many times since then. She has apologized profusely, not only for what ended our marriage, but also for all the shit that has happened since then. She has said over and over and over that I'm the love of her life and she basically "promises the earth to me", and I believe her...until logic kicks in. The whole head vs. heart thing.

I'm just afraid, I guess. I think that's pretty understandable. She completely broke my heart, and I never want to be crushed like that again. I have had a few heartbreaks in the past, but NOTHING like that. I don't want to go through that again, and I don't want to put Evan through it. I want him to have stability in his life, and I'm afraid that she'll shake things up again. Things are great right now, but I worry that it might change. I want to protect him, and I want to protect myself. It's just hard, because I have no way of knowing if this is going to last, or if everything will go crazy and fall apart again. I can't be sure that she won't fuck me over again, but I love her, so I'm giving it another chance. It's just scary. So far, so good though. I'm very happy about that. Love is dangerous, but so amazing at the same time.
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The last time I updated (which was in April...crazy), Jenny and I had a little thing going on. We started sleeping together last March, and it was purely physical (at least openly) for a good 4 or 5 months, but it gradually grew into something else. So...we're "dating" right now. I know, I know...it sounds crazy, after all the shit that went down before. I might seem like a total fool, but now that certain issues have been/are being dealt with, things are great. I say "dating" rather than saying that we're back together because we're not "officially together", but I guess it's a matter of semantics. We started sleeping together like 10 months ago, and have been dating or whatever you want to call it for around 5 months now. Something like that. We are taking it slow though, as far as the relationship part of it goes. Obviously we didn't take the sex part too slowly lol. We see each other about 3 to 5 times a week. It varies. Usually 3 or 4.

I have set a few boundaries. Jenny has only slept over a couple of times, and it was when Evan was at my mom's house...he likes to have sleepovers there every so often. I would love to have Jenny stay over sometimes, but as of right now I don't think it's a very good idea, so I have set boundaries there. I don't want my son to get used to his mom being here overnight at this point in time. It hasn't been long enough. I am not about to rush into something like having her stay here all the time or living with us unless I know it's a stable, permanent thing...although I guess you can never REALLY know if something is permanent, as I learned before...so I guess I'll say long-term. It's going to take a long time for us to get back to that, assuming that we do. I want Evan to have stability in his life, which he won't have if his mom comes back full-time for a little while and then leaves again. I don't want to put him through that. I guess I don't really want to put myself through that, either.

My main concern is protecting my son, but I guess I'm also protecting myself, as I think I should. I have walls up that she doesn't, but that's the way it needs to be right now. I'm definitely guarded, which I think is understandable. I'll let down those walls if and when I feel that it's safe, but it will take a long time for some of them to go down. I love Jenny. I always have, and I always will, regardless of what happens. I'm giving this one more shot. If it doesn't work out this time, it never will. There will be no more going back and forth. Either she's in or she's out. No more bullshit.

Jenny has come so far with her personal issues, and she has completely turned her life around. She's back to being the Jenny I fell in love with. I'm extremely happy about that, and it feels so good to be with her again. I really hope it lasts, but only time will tell. But as of right now at least, everything is great. So far so good. :)
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I really should have updated before now, but things have just been really hectic and it completely slipped my mind. A lot has happened though.

Annie and I broke up at the beginning of March. To be honest, our relationship had been going downhill pretty fast since about December. I just didn't really mention it here. Sex thing aside, things weren't going well and it was getting progressively worse, so I ended it. We both agreed that it was for the best. Who knows if something will happen between us again in the future. I guess time will tell. But at least for now, it's over. We're on good terms, but we don't talk much. We were together for a little over a year, so it was definitely difficult. I loved her and it felt so right for a while, but things changed.

As for what else has been going on...anyone who reads this will probably say (or at least think) that I'm a fucking idiot, and I probably am...but since the break up with Annie, I have been sleeping with Jenny. Regularly. We see each other four or five times a week. She and Justin split in mid-January, and about six or seven weeks later I ended it with Annie. Believe it or not, but Jenny ending it with Justin had absolutely nothing to do with my break up with Annie. Completely unrelated.

My relationship with Jenny is purely physical. Whether or not that will change, who knows. But for right now we're just sleeping together. This has been going on for over a month now, and so far so good. No drama at all.

Jenny has been clean for over eight months, and she's doing really well. She's stable. She started taking new medication at the end of last year or beginning of this year, and it has helped her a lot. She was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and has been going to therapy every week, which is really helping her. The Borderline thing definitely explains a lot. I had thought for a while that she might possibly have it, so her diagnosis wasn't surprising. She's doing great though. I haven't seen her this stable and happy in a long time. It's like the old Jenny is back. I hope it lasts, because it's great to see her like this.

My son turned 3 in February. I can't believe how time flies. He's growing up so fast.

I'm really glad it's the end of the semester. I have so much to do in the next couple weeks though. It sucks. I'm definitely ready for it to be over.

I can't think of anything else to write about right now. I hope you're all doing well.
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I told Jenny to fuck off today. It felt great. Usually I would feel bad if I said something like that to her, but she deserves it. I'm sick of her shit.

Edited to explain:

She called me today, and I answered since I haven't talked to her for a while. She asked about Annie, and got pissed off about me being in a relationship with her again. Her response was "That's fucking bullshit. You told me we'd talk when I got out. You're a fucking liar, blah blah blah." I was kind of a smart ass back. I told her we'd talk, but not about us. I drove my point into the ground, and let her know that there is NO chance that she and I will get back together, so she should just give up on it. Then she said "I can't believe you're picking that stupid little tramp over me." Um...first of all, Annie is the exact opposite of a tramp. Second of all, nobody talks about my girlfriend that way. Jenny went on to insult Annie some more, and that's when I got mad and said something to her. I won't go into detail about everything that was said, because then this thing would be way too long. She took it way too far though.

Then she decided to make personal attacks on me. She said something along the lines of "You have this holier than thou attitude, but you're a hypocrite because you're a fucking cokehead yourself. We both know you're going to fuck up again and go drink or do blow. So just get it over with and go do it already and stop pretending you're so much better than me, because you're the exact same. Don't come crying back to me when you fuck up and relapse, which you will. You're a lowly addict and you always will be. Stop pretending."

It was actually a bit harsher than that but I don't remember every single word, nor do I really want to. That's when I said "fuck you" and hung up the phone.

I am done talking to her. I am no longer going to be there for her all the time. I am just plain done. I wish I could cut her out of my life entirely, but I can't because of our son. I am absolutely through with Jenny though.


Aug. 13th, 2008 08:16 pm
xxmadsenxx: (Default)
The visitation thing went just fine. Well, she made one TINY move on me when we were sitting at a table. She put her hand underneath the table and on my thigh, and she was rubbing my leg. I moved her hand away. I think she would have done more if it was just me and her, and Justin wasn't there. I'm glad he was there. It definitely would have been a bad idea to go on my own.

It was good to see her though. She seems to be doing a bit better. She's obviously still fucked up (mentally), but she seems like she's getting better. It will take time, but hopefully she's on her way to recovery and will stay on the path to recovery.

After we left, during her "phone time", she texted me and asked if I would ever take her back. My answer should have been "no"...but I said "I don't know. We'll talk when you get out of rehab."

I don't know what I want. :\ I want her, but at the same time I want to go back to Annie. I know that Annie is probably a better choice, but I don't know. Like I said before, I'm still so drawn to Jenny.

I know you all will think I'm an idiot for even thinking about being with her again, but part of me wants to see if it would work. I just don't really want to do that to Justin. :\ In an email she wrote, she said that leaving me/our divorce was the biggest mistake she has ever made in her life, and she would do anything to change it if she could. Whether that's true or not, I don't know. We'll see. I know Annie would be HEARTBROKEN if I got back with Jenny. I don't want to do that to her.

I just need to do a lot of thinking. I wish I wasn't so dependent on relationships. I feel like I need someone, and like I can't be by myself if I'm sober. I know that's not true, and that I CAN do it, but sometimes I feel like I can't. I just need someone there.

I feel guilty about having feelings for two girls at the same time, but I don't know what to do about it. I can't help it.


Anyway, I did take some advice from you guys...I told her that she needs to lay off a little bit with the calling and the texting. She seemed kind of bugged by that, but she agreed to cut back.


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April 2013



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