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Ella and I are sitting here watching
Friends. She woke up and wouldn't go back to sleep, so I went to get her and brought her downstairs with me, since I'm still up. She doesn't want to be held, but she doesn't want to play on the floor. Each time I have tried to hold her she pushed away from me, so I gave up on that. And if I put her down to play, she cries. Finally I tried just plopping her down on the couch next to me, and that's what she wanted. It's funny though...now that my phone is out she's trying to crawl in my lap. Once I put it away she goes back to wanting nothing to do with me, except sit next to me occasionally pinching my leg. I'm writing this in bits and pieces. The second she sees my phone come back out, she starts climbing on me again. Every baby I have ever known has been obsessed with cellphones. Phones and TV remotes. Ella has two toy phones of her own. She puts them to her ear like someone is talking to her haha. It's cute. She does that with anything she thinks resembles a phone. But the second a real phone comes out, she doesn't give two shits about her toy phones. She's mad at me right now because I keep pulling my phone away when she tries to grab it. She has this angry whiny shout type thing she does when she's mad, accompanied by a serious angry face. She has yelled at me and given me that face multiple times since I've had my phone out haha. I would put it away, but she wants nothing to do with me when I'm not holding the phone, so I don't see the point. She doesn't want me to hold her. She doesn't want me to read to her. She doesn't want me to play with her. And she just pinched me again. She's such a little brat haha. I love my little brat so much though.

 

I stayed home sick from work today. The headache I had yesterday just kept getting worse, and it didn't start feeling better until like 4:00 in the morning at the earliest. It was bad enough that it kept me up. I knew there was no way in hell I was going to make it in to work, so I sent my boss an e-mail a little after 5:00 saying I wasn't coming in. I finally fell asleep at 7something. I usually take Evan to school on my way to work, but Jenny took him today so I could sleep. I slept all. fucking. day. Literally. Apparently Jenny woke me up around 3:00 to tell me she was going to go pick up Evan from school. Ella was taking a nap so Jenny handed me the baby monitor so I could hear if she woke up. She told me I just mumbled "Mmmhmm" and didn't even reach to put it on the nightstand...just dropped it onto the bed next to me. She didn't wake up, and neither did I. I FINALLY woke up three hours later. At 6:00pm on the dot. I have no idea how I slept that long. Jenny said she tried to wake me up when she got home from picking Evan up, but I have no recollection of it. I thought I'd be up all night since I slept all day, but it's 1:15 and I'm tired. I guess I just really needed the sleep.

 

This is an extremely uninteresting entry,  I know. I just needed something to do while Ella sat here not wanting me to bug her haha. Now she's asleep halfway in my lap. It's pretty cute. I don't want to move her, but I can't sleep sitting up. Hopefully she'll go back to sleep if I go put her in her crib. If not, well...sucks to be her, because I'm going to bed.

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It's fucking freezing. We have a foot of snow in our yard. Literally, 12". Fucking sucks. Evan LOVES it. I hate it. He's been outside playing in it all day. And guess who got to shovel it all? Me. Conveniently, the snowblower is out of gas, and I couldn't get out of the driveway to go get any without shoveling it. I am so over the snow already, and it's only November. Ugh.

On the plus side, all I have to do the rest of the day is sit around doing nothing. Oh, and eat a lot. For breakfast I had apple pie and pumpkin pie. Then later I had cake that's like, half cake and half cheesecake. All the weight I unintentionally lost should be back in no time at all at this rate haha. And we have a bunch of stuffed shells left over from Jenny's grandma's birthday party last night. Jenny's mom made them, so they're the same as the ones Jenny makes that are AMAZING. Now I want go to eat some. Hmmm...

Oh yeah, speaking of snow, according to Jenny I was mean to Ella haha. I wanted to show her snow, so I bundled her up and took her outside and stuck her hand in it. She hated it and cried. Smart girl. I knew she was a genius. She cried and pretty much yelled at me. Seriously...she's six and a half months old and she yelled at me. I got "DADA!!!!" mid-crying. I thought it was funny. Jenny thought it was sad. Evan said he was going to throw "a baby sized snowball" at Ella and I told him I'd whitewash him if he did. Jenny also said that was mean. I wouldn't really. I told him I was kidding, but that he'd better not. So he threw one at me instead.

No work tomorrow. Hell yes!

Things are still great with Jenny. She's doing so well. It's amazing how quickly she turned things around. She's trying really hard and it shows. I think she needed the Seroquel in addition to her other meds. Her psychiatrist said he doesn't think she'll need it forever, but wants her on it for at least the next six months. Now that she's a lot more stable we're going to start couple's therapy again. We need to be really diligent about it, just like she has to be with her own personal therapy. I have to say, I'm still a little afraid of getting married. Well, not afraid. Anxious. Today Jenny said, "I have so much planning and stuff to do! Our wedding is only four months and 12 days away!" I just thought, "Holy shit, that's soon." Instead I just kinda did the smile and nod thing and made some generalized comment like "Yeah, there's a lot to do" or something like that. It's going to be here before we know it. Crazy. Don't get me wrong, I'm really happy to be marrying her. I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life with anyone else. It just makes me a little nervous, and it's crazy that it's coming up so soon.

I really will catch up with you guys for real tonight.
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Ella says THREE words now! Not bad for a baby who's only six months and nine days old! She said Mama first, like I wrote about before, then Dada yesterday, and Baba today!

She may hate tummy time and will probably be a late crawler, but hey...she's an early talker!

We had a great Halloween. I hope all of you did too.

Jenny seems to be doing great. I'm fine, too. I'm hoping all the emotions and shit won't hit me on Sunday, because that's mine and Jeremy's birthday. In addition to the anniversary of his death (October 29th), our birthday is typically a hard day for me. Ever since he died I have wanted to keep my birthday low key, because I hate that he's not there to celebrate it with me. But we'll see how it goes. I'm actually feeling semi-optimistic about it, since I was just fine on and around that anniversary.

I think a mosquito bit me a few minutes ago when I went outside. Motherfucker.

That's all for now.

New phone!

Oct. 3rd, 2012 03:18 pm
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I still need to reply to stuff and catch up with you guys. Sorry, I have just been really busy with a very sick baby. We took her to the doctor yesterday, and she has an ear infection and an eye infection. I have no idea how she got an eye infection, but she has one. So she's on antibiotics and we have to put eye drops in her eyes. Let me tell you, putting eye drops in a baby's eyes is not very easy. She hates it and jerks her head. It's a lot easier with two of us, so one of us can hold her and the other can put the drops in her eyes. She seriously hates it. Plus she's teething right now. Her poor little gums are so red where her tooth is trying to come in. I feel bad for her. It's hard on Jenny and me, but I think the hardest part is seeing her so miserable and not being able to do much for her. It's sad. So yeah...taking care of Ella is taking up A LOT of time and energy right now.

I got a new phone today! I'm pretty stoked about it. I got the Samsung Galaxy SIII. I have always used iPhones, but I know a lot of people who swear by this phone, so we'll see. So far I like it. It's really big, but it's thin, and surprisingly light. My brother is the one who really talked me into switching to the S3. Him and my best friend Nick. But most of the other people I asked about it recommended this one. It's going to take some getting used to. I need to familiarize myself with it. I'm really excited about it though.

I always spend my money on Jenny and the kids, and not that much on myself. That's by choice. I like being able to buy them things and spoil them a bit. I should probably do less of that and save more, but eh...it's fine. I still save some. But I rarely buy myself stuff. Well, not big things anyway. So I'm super excited about my new phone. I didn't need a new one, but I was eligible for an upgrade, so I just thought hey, why not? I decided I deserved it as a pick me up. It worked. It definitely improved my mood today haha.

I have an appointment with a psychiatrist tomorrow. I think I might wait on the antidepressant thing, but I'm not entirely sure. I want to see what he thinks. But I'm going to get a prescription for Tramadol in hopes that it will help me sleep better. I don't remember if it worked very well for me when I tried it before. I kind of think it didn't. But that was years ago, so I don't know. And it might be different for me now anyway. I need to do something about my sleeping habits. Badly.

I'm going to go play with my new toy (aka phone). This is the first time I've gotten a chance to relax in days. I really hope Ella will stay asleep for a couple hours. We'll see. I'll catch up with and get back to you guys later.

Oh, I forgot to mention: I'm trying to cut back on the Diet Coke. Now I'm allowed to have like 34 to 36 ounces a day, depending on if they're cans or bottles. So that's two bottles or three cans. The bottles I drink are typically 16.9 oz. each, because that's the size they are when you buy a case of them. Cans are 12 oz. So if I mix and match it will be different, but I set a guideline for the approximate amount. That may seem like a lot to some people, but it's not for me!
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I'm watching Family Guy, and Brian and Peter were court ordered to go to AA meetings for 30 days. When the guy leading the meeting told Peter he needed to turn himself over to a higher power, Brian laughed. Well, not a full-on laugh...you know, one of those single "ha" laughs you do when you think something's stupid. I got in trouble for doing the exact same thing at an AA meeting in rehab once haha. Not the last time I went, or the time before that, or the time before that, but I think it was the time before that time. Nope, wait...not that time either. The time before that. Not like I've been to rehab very many times or anything. No big deal. It was when I was 18. I know that much. Of course when they asked what my little "ha" was about, I went off on a rant about everything I dislike about AA. I mostly went off about the "Higher Power" thing. I got a lecture for it. I still had to go to meetings of course, since it was part of the rehab program, but the person lecturing me told me to keep my comments to myself. I said, "But I thought we were supposed to SHARE in meetings," with a smart ass tone, and he didn't like that too much either. I ended up getting kicked out of that rehab lol. Not for the meeting incident...that happened like the third day I was there. It was shortly after that though. I don't remember how long I was there...maybe a week? I got kicked out for mouthing off too much and disobeying the rules. I was pretty happy about it. My mom was PISSED at me, but I was happy. But yeah, that Brian thing just reminded me of it, because "ha" was my exact response that time too.

Ella turned four months old yesterday. She has already started teething. She FINALLY started getting better about sleeping at night because her colic started getting better. She's still a little colicky, but not even close to as bad. It started getting a little better a couple weeks ago, but there was a major improvement about a week ago. So we got about a week of relatively peaceful nights. Then it was just kind of like, "Haha just kidding, fuck you guys," and the long nights started up again. At least with the colic we typically knew the time frame in which she'd start screaming. It was almost like clockwork. Now it just happens at random times. I don't mean crying, I mean screaming. Just like with the colic. Loud, blow-out-your-eardrums screaming. That type of screaming is mostly at night, of course. It wouldn't be very Ella-like if it wasn't. But she's crying a lot during the day, too. And she's just fussy in general. Ella is a pretty fussy baby who cries a lot anyway, so throw teething in there, and fuuuuccckkk. Babies drool so fucking much when they're teething. It's insane. So the past couple days we have just kept teething bibs on her all day, because otherwise we wind up changing her clothes a million times a day because her shirt ends up getting soaked. She has all the signs of teething. The drooling, the crying, runny nose, wants to chew on everything non-stop. All of that. Sometimes you can really tell that her teeth (or gums, I guess) are bothering her. I feel bad for her. Poor little thing. I also feel bad for us haha.

Jenny is trying to get me to "smoke healthier." Since I'm not really at a point where I feel like I can stop smoking right now, she said she wants me to try to "smoke healthier." She bought me natural tobacco and this little cigarette-making machine. It's not a roller...it like, shoves the tobacco into an already-made cigarette. So it still has a filter and everything, just like a normal cigarette. I agreed to try it. I mean...she already bought it. What was I going to do, say no after she already got it for me? It would be cheaper than buying cigarettes, that's for sure. But I like my menthols. That's what I have a problem with. I don't like non-menthol cigarettes. Cigarettes are bad for you as it is, and I know adding menthol to it makes them even worse. But that's what I like. I just really don't like non-menthols. I don't like the way they taste, I don't like the way they feel when you smoke them, I just don't like them. When she gave it to me, I asked, "Didn't they have menthol tobacco?" She said, "The point is that I want you to smoke healthier if you're going to smoke, so without the menthol and all the other chemicals in the cigarettes you smoke now. I wasn't just thinking 'Oh, Chris might have fun making his own cigarettes! I'll get him a new toy!' or I would have gotten you menthol." Haha. So I'm trying it. I'll admit, making my own is kind of fun. I doubt I'll continue to think that for very long though. Buying them is way easier and much less time consuming. Before work yesterday I just made a bunch and stuck them in an old cigarette pack. We'll see how this goes. I'm pretty sure it won't last more than a week, but I'll try.

I started writing this like two and a half hours ago haha. Obviously it hasn't held my attention. I keep coming and going from it. It's 7:00am and I still haven't slept. I was thinking I'd get a few hours of sleep in before I have to go to work, but I'm starting to doubt that. Oh well, at least it's only a half day.

Edit: 10:30. Still awake. I decided to just not go in to work today. I'm not taking the day off...I'm still working from home. But right now I'm not very busy, obviously...since I'm here. Haha.
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This is a pretty pointless entry. I kinda like those though.

Jenny and I are so childish. I love it. Evan and I keep randomly singing that circus song from Madagascar 3 (sometimes together, sometimes individually), so we have been pretty annoying with it. So I decided to change my ringtone to that song. Well, not my ringtone...my text tone. That way it goes off even more, since I text a lot. So to retaliate, Jenny changed her text tone to "Call Me Maybe" haha. So we've been texting each other back and forth just for the sake of being annoying.

Forget 30s being the new 20s. I think they're the new...10? I don't know haha. But it's fun.

In other news...Wells Fargo pisses me the fuck off. I've been meaning to switch to a credit union for like...two years now, but I keep forgetting and/or being too lazy. That's about all I have to say about that.

I love this meme. I would love to say the same thing to this girl. Good ol' Liam. Speaking of which, I'm excited for Taken 2.


That song is seriously driving me crazy. It has been stuck in my head for SO long! Jenny's text tone is making me want to shoot myself (or her) in the face (or at least in the ears). But I'm not caving. She has to get rid of hers before I get rid of mine!

I'm in super ADHD mode today. Don't be surprised if one of those ADHD-inspired random rambles pops up at some point today.

Oh, and I'm trying to be less shitty of an LJ friend. It's a process, since I've been missing stuff. But now that the drama and tragedy and all of that has subsided, I should be better.

Ella seems to sleep at night a lot better if you hold her. But holding a baby all night long is not very practical, nor is doing it every night very realistic. Last night she woke up screaming, like she does every night, so I held her for a while and eventually got her to go back to sleep. I laid down on the couch with her on my chest and we both slept that way. She stayed asleep for over four hours. Almost five. That is incredibly rare. It seems like when one of us sleeps with her this way she sleeps better, but seriously...that can't happen very often. She still won't sleep in her crib. She'll only sleep in her bassinet. She'll probably be too big for that thing soon, so she's going to have to learn to sleep in her crib. Gotta love fussy babies. Beyond fussy babies. Sleeping like that last night was nice though. I was feeling a little depressed, and holding her like that for so long made me feel a lot better. It was no big deal...everything is fine now. I was just feeling a little down. But I'm better now. I'm giving Ella credit for that one.
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I had a great Father's Day. I am so lucky to have the family that I have.

This is going to be a really cheesy entry, but it should be no surprise to anyone that I'm super cheesy sometimes haha. In light of Father's Day, I just want to say how thankful I am for my kids. Being a dad is the best thing I have ever, ever done.

As lame as this might sound, having Evan honestly saved my life. Yes, I relapsed when he was an infant, but I got clean for good when he was 13 months old. If it weren't for him, I don't know if I ever would have done it. He has been my motivation for staying sober the last 5+ years. To be exact, 5 years, 3 months, and 15 days. That’s pretty fucking amazing to me. Of course Ella motivates me too, and I love her with all my heart, but she’s brand new…she wasn’t around when I was struggling to quit drinking and doing drugs. I still struggle sometimes, and I’m sure I always will, but not like I used to. I finally decided that I wanted to get clean for myself, but Evan was my main motivation. He was my driving force. Seriously, he saved my life. The few years that I was a single dad were difficult; especially since I was newly sober. But I will always be eternally grateful for the few years that it was just me and Evan. I’m extremely happy that Jenny and I are back together and that we’re a family again, but those few years with Evan were life-changing. I developed a bond with him like I have never felt with anyone else. Of course I have a strong bond with Ella, too. I’m not saying that I love Evan more. I love them equally. But the bond I have with Evan is unique. Being a single dad made me grow up. For the first time ever, I put someone else before myself, 100% of the time. He was my first priority, no matter what. My kids are still my first priority and always will be. But it really was a life-changing experience. I alone was responsible for the life of another person, and it changed me forever in so many ways. All really good ways.

I love Evan and Ella so much. Being a dad can be hard at times, and it was really hard in the beginning. Hell, it’s still hard with Ella. But I wouldn’t change it for the world. The amount of love I feel for my kids is incredible. I can’t even begin to describe how much I love them or how happy they make me. I am so happy and so proud to be their dad. I feel like the luckiest person in the world to have them.

So there’s my sappy Father’s Day entry haha. Happy Father’s Day to the other dads out there. I hope you’ve had a great day. You deserve it.
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I came home for lunch, and of course Jenny and the baby are both asleep. Oh well. I'm jealous. I wish I could sleep right now. Last night was a REALLY bad night with Ella. Really bad. I almost wanted a drink. Just a night cap. Of course, with me, it would never be just a night cap haha. So obviously I couldn't have one. But oh my God, she screamed NON-FUCKING-STOP. Seriously. I got MAYBE an hour and a half of sleep, broken up into three parts. It was awful. It's not just the lack of sleep that was bad. Lack of sleep is bad enough. But the screaming wouldn't cease. No matter what we did. She just shrieked. She's one month old today, and this has been going on since she was about three days old. I'm about to go insane. It got a little bit better for a few days a week or so ago, but that didn't last long. And even when it was better, it still wasn't good. She has an appointment with her pediatrician on Friday (I think...or maybe it's Monday), so hopefully she can shed some light on it. It has to be colic. But I was reading up on it, and most doctors won't diagnose it unless it goes on for a couple months. I REALLY don't want this to go on for much longer. Jenny and I started getting a bit snappy with each other last night and this morning. Not fighting or anything...we were both just grumpy as hell. Not that that's an excuse.

Fuuuucccckkkk.

Even energy drinks aren't helping today. Neither is coffee. I feel like a fucking zombie. Seriously. Everything is like...hazy. I don't know how else to describe it. It's like I'm drugged, but not in a good way.

I just can't believe how much different she is from Evan when he was a baby. I've said this before, but it's seriously like night and day. They're completely different. I hate it. I love Ella with all my heart, but I hate this nighttime screaming shit so much. I hate how she sleeps so much better during the day, but gives us hell at night. She's still pretty fussy during the day, but it's NOTHING compared to how she is at night. I know I've been bitching about this subject a lot...A LOT. But I can't help it. I'm jealous that Jenny is able to get in at least a few hours of sleep during the day while Ella is asleep. So she gets more sleep than I do, and I have to go to work all day after almost no sleep. I can't help but be a little jealous. And jealousy breeds resentment, and I don't want that. I think Jenny and I need a night away. Soon. I'll ask my mom to watch her for a night, and we can just go to a hotel and have a night to ourselves. It will be a sexless night, hotel and all (as in absolutely nothing more than kissing) but at least we'll be able to get some sleep. And we really need some time together. Just the two of us. All of this crap is driving us apart.

Ugh.

Sorry, just had to vent. I'm just sooo unbelievably tired. I think I've had a total of 7 or 8 hours of sleep in three days. And I never get more than two hours or so at a time. Ever. Neither of us do. Jenny and I split the nighttime stuff, but the screaming still wakes both of us. Uggghhhh. Fuck.
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Sorry, another Ella post. But like I said before, she's brand new...8 days old. So expect it for a little while! I'm sure it gets annoying though.

But anyway, we FINALLY found a couple things that calm her down a bit. Usually just rocking her doesn't work. But I rocked her and started singing "Three Little Birds" by Bob Marley to her, and she almost immediately calmed down. I told Jenny to try it, and it worked when she sang it, too. I wonder if Bob singing it would have the same effect. I'll have to try playing it and see. Then maybe we could play it really low when we try to get her to go to sleep at night.

The other thing that helps sometimes is taking her for a drive. Jenny's mom suggested it. She said it used to calm Jenny down when she was a baby. Jenny was a big crier as a baby, too. So I'll strap Ella into her car seat and drive around the neighborhood area for a little while. Being in the car seems to put her to sleep, or at least calm her down.

Listening to Bob Marley usually makes me want to smoke weed, but that's ok. I can deal with that. It's not an intense craving like I get with other drugs (mostly coke, of course) and alcohol. It just makes me think of smoking a bowl, and that sounds nice. Ella's apparent love for Bob Marley at such a young age had better not turn her into a stoner when she gets older. Hahaha.

Her screaming and the sleepless nights drive me crazy sometimes, but she's worth it. I love my little baby girl so much. She's absolutely beautiful, and I am so happy to have her.
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I can't believe I'm posting this soon, but I had to run home to get Jenny's phone charger, because we forgot it. I would've sent my mom to get it, but she left her key to my house at home and it's just faster this way. I'll post pictures the next time I'm home, because I'm running in and out really quick. I just wanted to announce Ella's birth!

She was born at 10:47 am. 7 lbs. 6 oz. 20.5" long. Not bad for being 19 days early! And she's absolutely beautiful.

I am so happy and proud!

Ok, gotta go.
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I just got home from taking Jenny to her doctor appointment. Now we know for sure when Ella will be here. They're delivering her by c-section on Monday, April 23. So she'll be 19 days early. Not too bad. They're doing a c-section because of the preeclampsia...same reason they're delivering her early. They could induce labor, but in cases like Jenny's it's usually thought to be safer for both the mom and the baby to do a c-section.

It's crazy to think that she'll be here in 12 days. It's just weird knowing EXACTLY when she'll be born. It's nice in a way, but also scary in a way. Man, 12 days...crazy.

Jenny and the baby are both doing well, so I'm happy about that.

I don't really know what else to say about it right now.

B, Ella.

Apr. 3rd, 2012 09:44 pm
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Another update, because I don't feel like doing anything else at the moment. I love how chatty a lot of you guys have been on here today, haha. It's fun.

So, I haven't written about B for a while, aside from saying that he was really helpful and supportive through all the shit I was going through. I figured I should give a quick update on him. He has been clean and sober for almost 10 months. He's doing great in school, still likes it there, and he's still with his girlfriend. He's a bit happier now that she decided to give up her virginity haha. I can't say that I blame him, but I'm glad he was so patient, understanding, and respectful of her. I know it was hard for him, because he used to be like I was when I was younger (meaning promiscuous), so it was really different for him. But yeah. They seem happy. Ok, enough about B's sex life haha. At least he has one...lucky. ANYWAY. He'll be graduating in two months. He's going to be going to college nearby, and I insisted that he keep living with us. I want him here for as long as he wants to be. I think it's good for him. He needs the stability and the support. And like I've said many times before, he's part of the family now. I love him like he's my own brother. But yeah, B is doing great.

I kind of hope Ella gets here early. Not too early, of course. But they're full-term at 37 weeks, so any time after that. I'm still kind of nervous about her arrival, but at the same time I can't wait for her to get here. I know Jenny is more than ready. She's sick of being pregnant. I can't say that I blame her, haha. I feel bad for her. She's so uncomfortable right now. At least she's way better than she was during her first trimester. Not sick, just miserable. Ella keeps wedging her foot into Jenny's ribs, and I can imagine that isn't very comfortable. Jenny has back aches all the time, her feet and ankles get swollen, and she's just really fatigued. So she's ready. But she isn't due for a month and nine days (she's due May 12th). Evan was born three days after the due date. Jenny is REALLY hoping Ella won't come even so much as a day late. So we'll see what happens. You never know with babies. They're unpredictable. Jenny looks like she's about ready to pop though. She hasn't really dropped yet, but other than that she looks ready to pop. I have a feeling Ella will be at least a little early. But who knows. I just can't wait to meet her. I'm so excited about having a baby daughter. Jenny is really excited and eager to meet her too. And Evan is so excited about having a little sister. We're all just ready for her to get here already.

Man, I'm so tired. I should go to bed early, since I'm actually tired. But I don't want to. It's almost like I'm too lazy to go to bed haha. I just want to sit here doing nothing. Or rather, sit here talking about stuff. It's more entertaining than going to sleep. Besides, if I tried to go to sleep I'd probably suddenly become wide awake. That seems to be the way it goes.

I just put Evan to bed a little while ago, and he apologized and said he doesn't hate me. Then he told me he loves me. So that made me feel better. At least we're cool on that now, haha.

I want some chocolate. I don't have any though. That sucks.

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