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Even though I know I couldn't smoke marijuana, even if it were legal, I think the United States' marijuana laws are fucking ridiculous. If it's not going to be legalized (which I think it should be), it should at least be decriminalized everywhere.

It just doesn't make sense for it to be illegal when alcohol and cigarettes, which are legal, kill WAY more people than all other drugs combined. Tobacco kills the most people (so I really need to quit smoking), but alcohol kills A LOT of people each year.

Alcohol is involved in about half of all drug overdoses. That doesn't mean that alcohol is directly responsible for those overdoses, but a good amount of people who overdose on drugs have alcohol in their system at the time. The interaction of alcohol with the other drug(s) makes overdose even more likely, and it oftentimes makes it worse than it would have been if alcohol wasn't in their system at the same time. Take cocaine for example...when alcohol and cocaine are combined, it metabolizes into Cocaethylene, which is extremely dangerous and is more likely to cause serious heart damage and it's really bad for your liver, which is where it is metabolized. That was the problem with one of my overdoses. I have overdosed on alcohol who knows how many times (but only had to go to the hospital a few times, although I probably should have gone a couple other times), had one heroin overdose, and two cocaine overdoses, one of which was really serious and caused me to go into cardiac arrest. Paddles and everything. Luckily I was unconscious by that point, because that would have sucked. I was drunk and high out of my mind on cocaine, so cocaethylene was most likely responsible for the severity of that overdose. Using alcohol and just about any drug (except marijuana) simultaneously is dangerous. The reason I mentioned my overdose is because it never would have happened if I had just been smoking marijuana and drinking. I might still have gotten alcohol poisoning, but I wouldn't have had such a serious reaction. Same with cocaine...I still could have overdosed, but the alcohol made it worse. Alcohol is extremely dangerous when combined with cocaine, but it's also really dangerous with heroin and other painkillers, and with sleeping pills and sedatives, including benzos. Combining drugs and alcohol is just never a good idea. But back to the marijuana thing.

Alcohol alone is directly responsible for 75,000 to 80,000 deaths per year. That's approximately 300+ percent more than all other illicit drugs combined. You also have to add in the delayed effects, like liver disease, heart problems, etc. Marijuana is directly responsible for ZERO deaths per year. Literally, zero deaths. People can argue that marijuana is responsible for a good number of car accidents, but those car accidents are typically caused by people who have alcohol in their system along with marijuana. Yeah, some people can't drive very well when they're high, but the majority of people I know drive just as well, if not better, when they're high on weed. So marijuana might indirectly result in some deaths, but it's not directly responsible for any. Either way, alcohol causes WAY more car accidents and other types of accidental injuries than any other drug...ESPECIALLY marijuana. All research to date shows that it's impossible to fatally overdose on marijuana. It just doesn't make sense for marijuana to be illegal when it has never been directly responsible for any deaths, ever, while alcohol is responsible for a huge amount of deaths each year, year after year, after year.

It's just fucking ridiculous. And don't even get me started on the War on Drugs.


Band Days

Aug. 21st, 2012 10:11 pm
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Sorry, I'm on a posting spree.

Sometimes I really, really, really fucking miss being in a band. I had so much fun playing in bands. Some of the funnest times of my life. There's just something about playing live in front of people. I still love playing guitar by myself or with friends, but playing in a band is so much different. I love the energy of playing live. I love the loudness. I just love all of it. I haven't played in a band in a long time now. Five-ish years. But it was so much fun.

There were some drawbacks though.

When I first started dating Jenny I was in two bands, and it made our relationship kind of difficult. One time I only saw her twice in over a month because I was touring around with my band. I think it was close to six weeks. That was before we were married, so we'd been together for less than a year...maybe only like six or seven months. I don't remember. But it was hard on both of us. Later on in our relationship it caused problems. Playing bars meant I was drunk all the time (not like that wasn't true most of the time regardless), and that caused problems. Me being away playing shows caused problems. Especially once Evan came around. When he was a baby that caused a lot of problems. When I had my last relapse I was touring with my band and fighting with Jenny over it. I'll admit, I was selfish. I didn't have my priorities straight. I put drinking, drugs, and my band first a lot of the time, and that's a huge part of the reason we got divorced. The drinking and drugs played a much bigger part than the band did, for sure. But the band had a role in our break up, because it contributed to the drinking, drugs, and fighting. We would have gotten divorced whether I was in a band or not. But it didn't help. It wasn't the fact that I was in a band that caused problems. Jenny liked it at first. It was just everything that came with it and the fact that I let it take up so much of my time and energy that caused problems. I could have and should have handled it differently. I know that now, but I'm much, much different now, and that's a really good thing.

It would be fun to be in a band again. I'd know how to handle things this time, and I don't think it would cause problems. But 1) I don't have time, 2) I don't think being around the bar scene is a very good idea for me, and 3) I feel kind of old for that...but I know plenty of people still play in bands when they're my age or older. At this point in my life, being in a band wouldn't be the greatest idea. There are parts of it I miss, but there are also parts of it I don't miss. I just get nostalgic sometimes, I guess.

Honestly, I don't think it would be the same sober. That doesn't necessarily mean that it wouldn't be as much fun, but it might mean that. There was so much alcohol and so many drugs. Drugs and alcohol were everywhere, and it was pretty fucking fantastic at the time. I got so much free alcohol, and so many free drugs. Coke was all over the place. And before Jenny, so many girls. Seriously, you want to get a lot of girls, join a band. Girls seem to be drawn to guys in bands. Granted, a good portion of those girls aren't the type of girls you'd really want a long-term relationship with, but some of them are. That's definitely not what I wanted out of it though. It was quantity over quality for me for a while, for sure. I wouldn't want that now if I was single. But when I was younger I fucking loved all the attention from girls.

That whole "sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll" thing really was a lot of fun. I prefer my life now though. I'd never trade what I have with Jenny and my kids for that old lifestyle. Yeah, I had fun, but so many bad things came along with it. I'd much rather be a sober family man than a constantly fucked up manwhore in a band haha.
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So...I'm going back to both jobs next week. I haven't worked at the youth center for a while now, but I feel ready to go back. It feels good to be able to say that. I miss it there. I only work there a few hours a week, but it's way more fulfilling than my "real" job.

Jenny went over to her best friend Jen's house (yeah, they have the same name...so sorry if this gets confusing. But Jenny = my Jenny, and Jen = Jenny's friend) and came back looking upset. She came up to me and said, "Chris, I really need you to talk to Jen about getting her cousin some help." So I asked her what was up. Jenny and Jen have been best friends since kindergarten. Jen's 19-year-old cousin, who Jenny has known since she was born, is apparently a hardcore drug addict. She's really bad on crack and heroin. Both of her parents are drug addicts. Her dad is in jail, and she goes from place to place with her mom, who she does drugs with. I think she said they're living out of a motel right now. So she has a pretty fucked up life. Jenny just found out about the whole situation today, because I guess Jen didn't really know much about it until very recently, because she hasn't seen that cousin for a while. Jenny is really sad about it, because she still thinks of Jen's cousin as the little girl she knew forever ago. Jen asked Jenny if she thought I could somehow help her get some type of treatment for her cousin. Jen said that she doesn't think her cousin would go willingly, but who knows. Maybe she'll go if it's presented to her the right way and she doesn't feel cornered and forced into it. Or maybe she just needs to know that she has options. But maybe she'll refuse no matter what. Since she's a legal adult, they can't really force her into it. If she were to get arrested on a drug charge I could easily get her placed into a good program. Hopefully that won't happen, but sometimes it's for the best. I work with a lot of kids who are court ordered into treatment, and many of them wouldn't have sought help on their own. Obviously that's not the preferred method, but hey...whatever it takes, I guess. I know Jenny's best friend Jen really well, but I don't know her cousin. I have met her cousin a few times, but it has been years since the last time I saw her. So I don't think she'd really be willing to listen to me, but I'll try to give Jen all the information I can and she can relay it and hopefully we can figure something out from there.

It makes me sad. Her cousin has had a rough life. Her dad has been in and out of jail pretty much forever, and like I said before, both of her parents are addicts. Her parents haven't been together for most of her life, but they've both been really bad examples. A couple years ago she told Jen that she saw her mom smoke crack. That is so fucked up. I don't care how hardcore of an addict you are...you don't do drugs in front of your kids. Addicts might not have control over their addictions, but they have control over whether or not they do it in front of their kids. They could go in another room and lock the door or something. Even during my lowest points, I would never think of doing drugs in front of a kid, let alone my own. You just don't do that in front of your kids. Now she and her mom do it together...go figure. With parents like that, the poor girl never really had a chance.

I hope she'll get help so that she won't end up like her parents. The sooner she does it, the better. I was 27 when I finally kicked my habit. B got sober right before he turned 17...so he did it really early. Hopefully Jen's cousin will be able to do it early, too. I don't even remember how old I was the first time I went to rehab. I want to say 18, but I'm not sure. I was in and out of drug treatment programs forever. Some in-patient, and a lot of outpatient. So I don't really know. I know that my mom put me in an intensive outpatient for the first time when I was 16. Then I went through court ordered treatment when I was 17 after I got arrested for possession of cocaine, since I already had a prior marijuana possession charge. But I think I was 18 my first time in residential treatment. I don't know. Something like that. Anyway, my point is that it might take a few tries, but the sooner she starts, the better. I just hope she'll do it. We'll see. I'll do what I can, but I can only do so much. I can't make Jen's cousin go. I can really only give Jen the information and try to help her figure out a way to talk to her cousin about it.

Seriously, if my kids ever touch drugs, it would kill me. It's heartbreaking to see kids go down that path. I would never want Evan or Ella to go through that, and I would never want to see that happen to them. At least I know what to watch for. I don't think they'd be able to hide it from me...I've used every trick in the book. Plus I can easily identify someone who's on something and exactly what they're on, even when other people might not take much notice. I know a lot of parents like to think they'd know if their kids were doing drugs, but I'm convinced I would know. Been there, done that. They wouldn't be able to hide it. I'm a pretty easygoing parent (at least so far...but I'm only six years in), but drugs are one thing I would be REALLY strict about. Zero-tolerance policy.


I'm teaching that class again starting the first week of June. It has been a while since the last one I did. I'm hoping I won't get any young girls trying to hang all over me this time. Hahaha. That was so awkward last time.

Damn, I need to go to bed. Surprisingly Jenny is still up and in the other room. I'm writing this in bed. I think I'm too tired and lazy to even go take my contacts out, so I'll probably sleep in them and regret it in the morning. Oh well. It just sucks when you first wake up. After a while it's fine. My contact case and solution are in the bathroom that's in our bedroom, so it's not like I'd have to go very far at all, but fuck that. Too much effort.

Yeah, it's time for bed for sure.
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I went to the gas station to buy a pack of cigarettes, and I saw this guy who was coked up out of his mind. When you were addicted to cocaine for a long time, you can usually tell the difference between someone who's on coke, crack (even though that's technically still cocaine) and meth very easily. I could tell by his appearance, his mannerisms, little movements he made, the way he talked...everything. He smelled like vodka, too. I just kept thinking, "Damn, I hope I didn't look that bad or at least come off like that back when I was doing the same thing." I probably did though, and that's kind of depressing and embarrassing at the same time. Pictures of me from back then are bad enough...so I'd hate to see what I looked like in person and how I moved, acted, talked, all of that back in the day.

A lot of the time when I see someone on coke, it bothers me and/or makes me crave it. I guess it did bother me this time, but not in the same way. I didn't crave it. I didn't crave it because he looked like shit and acted completely coked out. Not in a fun coked out way...in a bad, way too coked out way.

As much as I struggle with it sometimes, I am so glad I don't do that shit anymore.
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One of the things I talked to my therapist about today was drugs. Well, obviously that's a subject that will always come up a lot. But I said something about how sometimes I wish I was one of those people who could do drugs recreationally and be just fine. So that sparked the conversation. She asked me why I wish that. I told her because drugs are fun and I enjoy them. That's not a very good answer, because it doesn't explain anything. So she made me try to explain it further. So here's what I came up with (what I remember of it, anyway):

- Drinking and doing drugs feels good. Plain and simple.
- The process of doing drugs and getting drunk is fun. The social aspect of it is fun.
- I like feeling carefree.
- I like the rush you get when you do a line (or shoot up, but IV use wasn't a part of my regular routine. It was a "sometimes" thing.)
- I just really like sniffing things haha. I love insufflation.
- Everything is different on drugs. That's good in some ways, and bad in some ways. But I miss the excitement and intensity.
- I like the taste of alcohol and the smell and taste of cocaine.
- I miss the altered perceptions.
- Some things just look, sound, and feel better on drugs/alcohol. Just like some things seem to be more fun that way.
- Good boredom killer.
- Alcohol and some drugs (like opiates and sedatives) help me sleep. Even as a cokehead I slept better than I do now, because I had other things to help. Even if I didn't drink or do other drugs after the coke, I could smoke some pot while coming down off the coke and go to sleep. Now I struggle to sleep almost every night.
- I miss the lifestyle. The good parts of it, that is. Because the good parts were really good.
- I miss writing music on drugs. I wrote a lot of my best stuff on coke, and always, always, always did coke before a show. Performing while high on cocaine with a few drinks on you is the most amazing feeling ever. Just a few though...more would come later, after you got off stage. You don't want to be a complete fucking mess up there. But a few lines of coke and a few drinks, and you are more than good to go.
- I miss sex on drugs. I'm not saying sex is better on drugs. Overall, I think sex is better sober. But it's different. Especially sex between addicts. When you're both hooked on the same thing and high out of your minds, there's this crazy intense passion. I don't even know how to describe it. Being in love always makes sex better too, but two addicts in love having sex while high as hell? Fucking amazing. I think that's what I miss about Nikki.
- There's a type of romantic element to it. With cocaine, it was like being in the best relationship I've ever been in, and the worst relationship I've ever been in.

And this isn't a reason I wish I could do them recreationally, but I hate the fact that some people can and I can't.

Then of course there are the deeper reasons, and the more serious reasons I miss them. This list is much shorter than the list of the "little" and more "innocent" reasons I miss drugs and alcohol, but they're the real reasons I miss them most of the time. There are more reasons than I'm listing, but it basically comes down to this:

- Drugs help me escape. They make my problems temporarily go away, or at least seem smaller. But ultimately they create way more problems, and much bigger ones at that.
- I don't have to deal with emotions.
- Drugs and alcohol are huge stress relievers.
- Drugs numb me when I don't want to feel, and they make me feel good when I want to feel good.

But I can't use recreationally for the following reasons:
- I don't know when to quit. I can't stop at one or two drinks or one or two lines. I do everything in excess. I can't stop myself. Once I start, I can't stop.
- When I'm using, the drugs and alcohol take hold of me. I can't live without them. I'm dependent on them.
- I don't really think I need to keep listing reasons. The reason I can't use recreationally is because I'm a fucking addict. Someone with an addiction as bad as mine cannot use recreationally. They just can't. I know I can't. It's a fact. There's nothing more factual in this world.
- Because I'm an addict, using drugs and/or drinking again would ruin my life. I would lose everything I love, and ruin everything I've worked so hard for. It's not worth it.

Man, I really feel like doing some type of drug or having sex right now. I need some kind of a fix. Obviously I can't have drugs, and I'm not going to get sex. Jenny is asleep. She wasn't feeling very well today, so she went to bed early. I guess I'll just go smoke a cigarette. I'll smoke a few cigarettes and listen to music or something. I wouldn't really say I'm having cravings. I guess I am, but not the bad type of cravings. Well...all cravings are bad. I don't know. I don't have a word for it. Drugs sound great right now, but I don't feel the urge or the need to do them. I think I'll just quit writing this now, because I've lost my entire train of thought. I'll just go have that cigarette.
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I can't sleep, and for some reason I started thinking about some of my former girlfriends. Not in a nostalgic way...I don't miss any of them or anything. The subject of old girlfriends just popped into my head. They were all so much different than Jenny. It's strange.

Girlfriends from my drugged out days...under a cut because this ended up being way longer than I intended. Some of it might be a little TMI. )
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Jenny had her surgery yesterday, and it went well. I'm glad they could do laparoscopic surgery, since it's more of a minor surgery that way. She has three little incisions. They're not big at all though. This surgery is often out-patient, but sometimes they'll keep women in the hospital for a night or two for observation. It just depends on the severity, any complications or potential complications, and seriousness of the surgery. They decided to keep Jenny overnight. She got to come home early this afternoon. They kept her for observation because of her history of reproductive type problems and because she had a lot of scar tissue and stuff that they had to remove from different areas. So they went all over her entire pelvic region looking for and removing adhesions and scar tissue. It was all over. They removed it from her uterus, ovaries, fallopian tubes, and parts of her pelvis wall. Sorry if all of that is TMI.

She should be ok to move around a little in a few days, but she'll definitely need some help the first little while. That's ok, I'm more than happy to do anything I can to help. I took off the next week of work, and told them I might need to extend that time off depending on how it goes. She won't be totally recovered for 2 to 3 weeks, if I remember right. That's not too long, but it still sucks.

And of course there's my semi-selfish male-minded reason I'm excited for her full recovery: sex. Like I wrote about before, we have still been having sex the past few months...it has just had to be very vanilla, because it otherwise it hurts her. So I'm excited for our sex lives to go back to normal within the next months. At least I hope that happens!

I'm really hoping that the surgery will allow her to have an easier time getting pregnant and have less miscarriages. Maybe now we'll actually be able to have another baby. So that's an exciting prospect of it all.

But anyway...Jenny is doing well. There were no complications or anything. She has just been resting a lot. She's really fatigued, and told me she's "woozy". I can tell she's definitely not a pill popper because she's always stumbling when she's walking around on the stuff. I think the pain killers have helped with the pain a lot though. She needs them.

I'm glad pain killers are something she has never had a problem with. She doesn't really like the way they make her feel, and she sometimes takes even less than her prescribed dosage. She takes ibuprofen when she can, and only uses the prescription opiate pills when ibuprofen isn't enough. It's crazy how much different she treats pharmaceuticals than my brothers and I. The fact that she doesn't take them all and has leftovers is foreign to us. I'm very happy that she's not like that though. Not happy about the fact that they make her feel sick, but happy about the fact that she doesn't abuse them or even think of abusing them. Even though she doesn't use them all, I would NEVER take them from my wife, or from anyone I know really needs them for legit purposes. Now that I've been clean from everything for so long I wouldn't even have the desire to take them from anyone. Even when I was a complete fiend, when I would try to get my hands on anything I could, that was a line I didn't cross...you don't steal from family, friends, loved ones, or people who have a genuine need for the stuff. EVER. But the extra pills she has around do not even bother me. I'm not even phased by their presence. That may seem like something small, but it's a pretty big and pretty pleasing landmark thing for me.

Anyway, back to Jenny. She's kind of all over the place when she walks around and she's obviously not all there right now, haha. Just really hazy. I'm sure that will subside a bit tomorrow.

I'm sure I wrote some stuff that doesn't make sense, or I'm probably all over the place, but I'm running on hardly any sleep, so I'm out of it. If it's bad, at least it's still readable haha.
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I wish I had NEVER touched drugs. I think the "why" there is obvious...it fucked up my life in so many ways, as well as the lives of people close to me. My addiction(s) controlled me for over a decade, and I wish I could go back and change that. There's no point in ruminating though. No point in dwelling on it, because I can't change the past. It is what it is. I rose above it, and that's all that matters. Some good things came out of my drug and alcohol problems though...I had some life experiences I never would have had if I wasn't so into drugs. Some good, some bad. But whether they were good or bad, I learned from them. I wouldn't be the person I am now if I hadn't gone through all that shit, and for the first time in my life I'm happy with who I am and where I am. I also probably wouldn't have chosen to work with addicts if I hadn't been through it myself. I love it, and it's extremely rewarding. So I guess that's the wrong answer to the question, since I wouldn't change some of it.

Ok, a better answer: I would have physically stopped my brother from doing more heroin the day he ODed, which I wrote about last week. Nothing good came from that event. So that's the one thing I would change or undo. That's a better answer to the question. I'll leave it at that. No need to delve into that subject again here.
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I don't know what I would do if my son EVER tried cocaine...or other hard drugs, for that matter. I don't think I could handle it.

If he smokes pot, fine. Whatever. But anything else, no.

That would be one of the worst things I can imagine happening. I mean, look what it did to both of his parents. Jenny definitely has a problem, but I had a HUGE problem with it for over a decade, off and on...but mostly on. I suppose it's somewhat hypocritical to tell him not to do it, but I don't want him to EVER go through even half the shit I've been through. Seriously, if he touched that shit I would die. Now that I'm a parent I can imagine how my mom must feel. :\
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Jenny agreed to get help. She quit with the whole drug thing, but she agreed to get help for whatever is going on with her right now, so I'm pretty happy about that. Hopefully things turn around for her soon.

I still can't watch movies with drugs in them. Well, I can...but it makes me CRAVE like no other, no matter what the drug is. It sucks, because I like drug movies haha.

Long rant

Feb. 19th, 2007 03:42 am
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I feel like the biggest piece of shit in the world. I do nothing but cause problems for all of the people that care about me.

I'm not doing as well as I thought I would be doing if I went back home. I can't stop. I've cut down quite a bit, but I can't stop yet...and that sucks, because stopping is only the first step. It's hard, but it's definitely not more difficult than everything that follows. Adapting to and accepting life without drugs and alcohol is the hardest part. It's changing everything you know. It forces you to deal with your life and your emotions. I have NEVER been good at that, and getting fucked up has always been my means of "dealing". I deal with things by not dealing with them. I do whatever I can to escape from reality and suppress my emotions. I can't seem to internalize the fact that if I want to get better, I have to learn how to face life head on and deal with what it gives me. I need to learn how to live sober, because I don't know how.

I have gone through the rehabilitation process so many times, I could write a book on it. Obviously I wouldn't have any advice as to how to make the rehab process successful, but as for going through it...been there done that a million times.

You always hear that in order to get better, you have to do it for yourself, but you know what? I have absolutely no desire to do it for myself. I only care about getting better because the people that love me want me to, and I don't want to hurt them anymore. If I didn't have them, I would have absolutely no desire to quit. I would keep using until I died, because I really wouldn't care. Sometimes I think it would be better if I did die. I know I sound stupid saying that. I know it's not true. I don't even really mean it. I just feel that way sometimes.

I don't even know why I'm using right now. It's a coping mechanism of mine, but it's not like I have much that I need to "cope" with. I have everything I could possibly want...an amazing wife; beautiful, healthy kids. I love Jenny and our kids more than anything in this world. I don't really understand why I'm doing this. I wish I could just stop. I hate it. Every time I open a bottle, I hate it. Every time something goes up my nose, I hate it. Every time I pop pills, whatever kind they may be, I hate it. I hate all of it, and I hate myself for doing it. I hate myself for not being able to control it. And most of all, I hate myself for hurting my family.

My poor mother. I went over to her house today, and when we started talking, she just broke down and cried. She knows that I relapsed months ago. It's not like it was a surprise when I went over there today. But she hates seeing it. And you CAN see it...I have lost about 15 pounds, which is a lot for me, and I have big dark circles under my eyes from not sleeping well (or much at all). Anyway, she cried today, and it made me feel like shit. I hate doing this to her. My mom has gone through so much already. She doesn't need this. She told me that it breaks her heart to see me doing this to myself, and that she can't bear the thought of losing me too (like she lost my brother). She said "I don't want to see both of my twin boys killed by the same unnecessary evil." I don't want to do that to her. I don't want to put her through it again. I can't even imagine how hard it would be to lose a child, and she has already lost one. That must be the most horrible thing in the world. You'd think that would be enough to make me stop. She also told me that she feels like she has failed as a mother. I feel really bad about that, because it isn't her fault. None of it is. My mom did EVERYTHING she possibly could have done, and more. She continues to do everything that she could possibly do. She has been nothing but a wonderful mother, and I hate that she feels at all responsible for anything that has happened. I couldn't ask for a better mom. Aside from genetic disposition, there is no one to put the blame on but my father. My mom is amazing. I have told her this so many times, but I don't think she'll ever really stop blaming herself, even though it's not at all her fault.

My brother is just about at the end of his rope with me. He has always been the one that was there to pick me up when I fell, but I have fallen so many times that he doesn't really have the strength to pick me up anymore. He won't flat out tell me that, but I can feel it. He's my best friend in the whole world, and I'm his...so I know how hard it is for him.

And Jenny...oh God, Jenny. The love of my life. My wife. The mother of my children. Why am I doing this to her? I hate myself so much for it. I love her so much it hurts, so it kills me to know how much pain I'm causing her. I want nothing more than to make her happy and if I could, I would take away all of the pain that she has ever endured in her life...but now I'm the one causing it. I know I keep saying that I hate myself, but I really hate myself for that.

I love my wife and kids so much. I don't want to become my father. I can't. I won't. Like I have said many times before, I would never do some of the things that he did, or be abusive to my family in any way, but my substance abuse is abuse enough.

When I look at my wife, it kills me to see the pain in her eyes, because I'm the one that caused it. I just want to hold her in my arms and tell her that everything will be ok, but I can't, because everything won't be okay until I overcome this once and for all. I know I will always struggle with sobriety once I achieve it (IF I achieve it...it seems impossible sometimes), but I want to get to the point that I will never go back (to using).

I just don't know what to do anymore. I want to stop. Really, I do. For good. But living sober forever scares me, and I don't know how to do it.

I need to learn how to stop all this self-loathing so that I can get better for ME. I need to want to be sober not just for my family, but for myself. I just don't know how to get to that point.


I want a drink, but I'm going to try to resist and go have a cigarette instead.

On a lighter note, my son turned one this month. How crazy is that? I can't believe it has been a whole year already. It has gone by so fast.
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My brother (quite literally) knocked some sense into me. I ended up going home, and Jenny and I are working things out. My brother gave me a rude awakening, and I realized I needed to clean up and get my act together and stop being so stupid. So I am. Well...I still smoke at least a bowl or two a day, but I figure smoking weed is a lot better than doing all of the other shit. I'll stop that eventually too.

Jenny can't give me too much shit about that...she'll do it occasionally. Definitely not very often, but on occasion she will.

So yeah. I went back home. Things are still rocky, but definitely a lot better.
xxmadsenxx: (Default)
I have been up for the past 20 hours or so. I can't sleep. I tried, but it's not going to happen. I realized that I hadn't written in this thing forever, and I thought it might help, so we'll see. Haha you guys probably don't even remember me.


I have fucked up. Royally.

Only click this if you really want to see how bad I fucked things up. Be prepared. It's long. I have four months of catching up to do. )
xxmadsenxx: (Default)
So it's what, two weeks until Christmas? I'm nowhere near ready. But I never am. I'm still unsure of exactly what I want to get Jenny/what I want to do for her. I have SOME things...but I don't know, it's our first Christmas together, so I want it to be special. Well, it's not technically our first, but it's our first as a married couple. Our first was a couple of months after we started dating.

If you have any ideas...tell me.

I found out a few days ago that my 18-year-old cousin is in rehab. Talk about a genetic pre-disposition, or whatever the fuck it's called. Now that's my dad (alcoholic), my twin brother (addict/alcoholic), me (addict/alcoholic), my big brother (mainly alcoholic), and now my cousin. My little sister is the only one that escaped it. So far, at least. I hope that won't change.

I think a lot of it is just his parents freaking out. From what I've seen, he doesn't have that big of a problem, but a problem is a problem, I guess. I shouldn't justify it or make excuses. He has a problem, don't get me wrong...I don't know. They freaked out and threatened to send him to rehab a few years ago, when they found out he smoked pot. So I don't know if this is just another instance like that or if he really does have a problem that needs to be taken care of. But better to get it under control sooner than later, I suppose. I know he uses drugs, and I know he uses them regularly, but I think he's still at that point of being able to make himself stop, if he wanted to...which I don't think he does yet.

If he does have/develop a problem, I feel partially responsible. I didn't get him into drugs, but I didn't help with it, either. A few years ago, my brother and I were both pretty heavily into drinking/drugs. Me, especially. My cousin was this little sophomore stoner at the time, and he was at our house quite often, so he was exposed to all of that shit. He had done it before, but it became more regular at that point.

I don't know. As much as I should see a problem with it, I don't think there's anything wrong with a little experimentation when you're young, as long as you keep it under control. But I obviously can't practice what I preach, so I guess I'm not one to talk.

What else has happened since I updated like two weeks ago? Hmmm

Oh. I came close to beating the shit out of some kid. He was disrespecting my little sister, and I don't put up with that shit. So, I saw the kid and confronted him. He started talking shit and got in my face, so I got back in his. He shoved me, so I pinned him against a wall and was about ready to punch him in his fucking face but my sister stopped me. It's a good thing she did, too. Part of me wanted to fight him though. Fucking 22 year old should have no business whatsoever with my 17-year-old little sister.

I don't know what else to write about.

Um...Jenny is doing well, so that's good. She hasn't been quite as moody this week. Haha. Her due date is less than two months away now. And still, no name. We haven't really even been thinking about it lately...but we need to. This kid already has more clothes than he'll ever be able to wear...Jenny goes a bit crazy with that stuff. It's cool though. I'm excited.
xxmadsenxx: (Default)
God. I just finished writing the last entry, and already I'm having to write another. I fear that if I get up right now, I'll do something I regret. I can't deal with this shit. I just can't. I get into a fight with Jenny because I don't want her purging while she's pregnant. Well I'm so fucking sorry. I guess I'm just a horrible person for caring what happens to her and the baby. I'm an asshole for "telling her what to do with her own body". Well excuse me...I think this involves me too. Fuck me for caring.


I'm feigning (sp?) right now. I don't even know what for. Coke. Alcohol. Both. No...mainly liquor. A shit load of liquor. God I don't know. I can't get up from this computer desk or I'll fuck this up even more. How fucked up are we? We're having a baby, we have her (our) four-year-old, and Jenny can't stop doing the shit she's doing, and I can't get past my fucking addiction? Pretty fucking pathetic.

I seriously need something. I can't handle this. I can't handle anything right now. I hope none of you ever have to deal with this shit...not being able to get through a given night without some sort of mind-altering substance. It's pathetic. I can't give in to it though. I have to stop this shit. I've been so good for the past...I don't know, month? Six weeks? I don't know how long ago I wrote that last one when I did it. Maybe it hasn't been as long as I thought. But it's been a while. Now if only I could cut down on the drinking. I need to go to AA meetings or something. It's the middle of the night and I'm sitting here, anxious as all hell, heart pounding, NEEDING something. Anything. It doesn't even really matter what it is. But I know I can't have it. I can't let myself have it. I won't.

Fuck. Now I'm just rambling.

I need a cigarette.


May. 16th, 2005 11:54 pm
xxmadsenxx: (Default)
I came across this subject in a community called altered_states, and I made my response to the post a lot longer than I had intended to.

Original post:

What is your opinion on drug addiction?

To explain my question, I think that when one is addicted to drugs it is completely their fault. I think that everyone has that line they cross when they start using drug exsessively and if they cross the line, it's their dicision to become an addict.

...if you start before you're addicted, you'll be fine and it's all about will power."

Am I wrong for my answer?
Is this a completely wrong annalysis of addiction?

I was just wondering what you all thought.

My response:

To a certain extent, I suppose you're right. When you do drugs, you know there's a chance that you may become addicted, but nobody ever thinks that it will happen to them. Everyone goes into it thinking that they'll be able to control it. And some people can. Some are able to stop themselves before crossing that line, but others get to a point in their lives where they don't know what else to do. Addiction can be a way of dealing with things. It can become a problem before you even realize that it's a problem. You do it casually at first, but you do it more and more as time goes on until it's just a way of life. And when your addiction is your life, it's hard to give it up.

I'm an addict. A recovering addict, yes. Well, sort of. I did coke two or three times this month...which I know I shouldn't have done, because it's my drug of choice. I have seen firsthand what addiction can do to people. It destroys friendships, tears families apart, and it kills. From what I've gone through, I should have enough sense not to use at all. But when you have a real addiction, it just isn't that easy. People may say "Have a little self-control", or "You just need more will power", but it's not as simple as that. You can have all the conscious will power in the world, but sometimes there's something in the back of your mind that just takes control of you.

I started using drugs when I was about 15. I started smoking weed when I was 13 or 14. 15 is when I first did almost everything. I got pretty heavy into drugs and was a full blown addict by 16. My twin brother and I hung out with a bunch of partiers. All we did was go to shows, play in our band, party, have sex, and do drugs. Sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll really was what our lives were all about. For three, almost four years straight I didn't have one sober day. Not one. I was always on something. I didn't care what it was...I'd do it. When I was 19, my twin brother, who was a heroin addict and my best friend in the world, overdosed and died right in front of me.

You'd think seeing and going through that would clean me up, right? Wrong. Common sense would tell me that it was a wake up call, and that I needed to stop all of that. But addiction is beyond common sense. It's a force that you really can't control, once you're into it bad enough. Getting over an addiction is not as easy as just having will power. Trust me. I tried to turn my life around so many times. I went to rehab for the first time when I was 18, and I've been a total of four times...two intensive, two out-patient. I tried each of those times, and I thought I had all the will power in the world, but it wasn't enough. Only when the healing/recovery process starts can will power actually have a big effect on your life and your addiction.

Anyway, my point is...will power can help at first, but addiction goes way beyond will power. The only way you can really ensure that you'll never become an addict is to have the will power to never do drugs in the first place.


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April 2013



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