Band Days

Aug. 21st, 2012 10:11 pm
xxmadsenxx: (Default)
Sorry, I'm on a posting spree.

Sometimes I really, really, really fucking miss being in a band. I had so much fun playing in bands. Some of the funnest times of my life. There's just something about playing live in front of people. I still love playing guitar by myself or with friends, but playing in a band is so much different. I love the energy of playing live. I love the loudness. I just love all of it. I haven't played in a band in a long time now. Five-ish years. But it was so much fun.

There were some drawbacks though.

When I first started dating Jenny I was in two bands, and it made our relationship kind of difficult. One time I only saw her twice in over a month because I was touring around with my band. I think it was close to six weeks. That was before we were married, so we'd been together for less than a year...maybe only like six or seven months. I don't remember. But it was hard on both of us. Later on in our relationship it caused problems. Playing bars meant I was drunk all the time (not like that wasn't true most of the time regardless), and that caused problems. Me being away playing shows caused problems. Especially once Evan came around. When he was a baby that caused a lot of problems. When I had my last relapse I was touring with my band and fighting with Jenny over it. I'll admit, I was selfish. I didn't have my priorities straight. I put drinking, drugs, and my band first a lot of the time, and that's a huge part of the reason we got divorced. The drinking and drugs played a much bigger part than the band did, for sure. But the band had a role in our break up, because it contributed to the drinking, drugs, and fighting. We would have gotten divorced whether I was in a band or not. But it didn't help. It wasn't the fact that I was in a band that caused problems. Jenny liked it at first. It was just everything that came with it and the fact that I let it take up so much of my time and energy that caused problems. I could have and should have handled it differently. I know that now, but I'm much, much different now, and that's a really good thing.

It would be fun to be in a band again. I'd know how to handle things this time, and I don't think it would cause problems. But 1) I don't have time, 2) I don't think being around the bar scene is a very good idea for me, and 3) I feel kind of old for that...but I know plenty of people still play in bands when they're my age or older. At this point in my life, being in a band wouldn't be the greatest idea. There are parts of it I miss, but there are also parts of it I don't miss. I just get nostalgic sometimes, I guess.

Honestly, I don't think it would be the same sober. That doesn't necessarily mean that it wouldn't be as much fun, but it might mean that. There was so much alcohol and so many drugs. Drugs and alcohol were everywhere, and it was pretty fucking fantastic at the time. I got so much free alcohol, and so many free drugs. Coke was all over the place. And before Jenny, so many girls. Seriously, you want to get a lot of girls, join a band. Girls seem to be drawn to guys in bands. Granted, a good portion of those girls aren't the type of girls you'd really want a long-term relationship with, but some of them are. That's definitely not what I wanted out of it though. It was quantity over quality for me for a while, for sure. I wouldn't want that now if I was single. But when I was younger I fucking loved all the attention from girls.

That whole "sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll" thing really was a lot of fun. I prefer my life now though. I'd never trade what I have with Jenny and my kids for that old lifestyle. Yeah, I had fun, but so many bad things came along with it. I'd much rather be a sober family man than a constantly fucked up manwhore in a band haha.
xxmadsenxx: (Default)
Sometimes I still miss my ex-wife, even though I'm with Annie now and I love her. It feels kind of wrong. I think a part of me is always going to love Jenny though. I don't think I'll ever be entirely over her.
xxmadsenxx: (Default)
I wish I was entirely over my ex-wife, because I really like Annie. I have moved on, but I'm not over it. I know it hasn't been very long since things with Jenny ended, so it hasn't been anywhere near enough time to start a new relationship.

I wonder how long it will take for me to be ready for another relationship. Probably quite a while. I hope Annie will still be around by then.
xxmadsenxx: (Default)
I have been ok lately, but for some reason when I woke up this morning it hit me again, so I have been pretty sad all day.

I feel like I have been kicked in the stomach. It's one more thing in my life that has gone wrong, and one more person that has fucked me over. I never expected it from her. Not in a million years. I have never loved someone as much as I love her, so the fact that she stopped feeling the same way really hurts. I know that she loves me, and that she WAS in love with me, but not the way that she was with Justin (her ex-husband).

I don't put up with cheating. It's unacceptable. But the pathetic thing is, I would have put up with it with her. She didn't sleep with him, and to my knowledge she still hasn't. They only kissed, but it still hurt. A lot. It would be fucked up no matter who it was with, but the fact that it was with her ex-husband really bothers me. I knew that they were having at least an emotional relationship for the past few months, so if you can "emotionally cheat" on someone, she was most definitely doing so. It really is pathetic...even if she would have slept with him I would have forgiven her. I would have been willing to work on our relationship and move past that, but unfortunately she doesn't want the same thing. It kills me that she has already leapt into another relationship with him. It was instantaneous. No time in between, at all.

I don't think that I will ever love another person as much as I love(d) her. She was my everything. I would have done anything for her. I still would. Sometimes I wonder if things would have been different if I didn't have so many problems throughout or relationship. This whole thing is probably my fault.

I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and just try to move on. Having my son really helps. If I didn't have him, I don't know what I would do.

Oh well. Life goes on, I guess.
xxmadsenxx: (Default)
I just got back from a trip home to Massachusetts. We were only there for a little over a week, but it was nice to get away. I went with my brother, my mom, and my sister and I took Evan with me. It was the first time in a LONG time that I had gone anywhere with my whole family, and not just my brother. It was really nice. Sometimes I wish I could just up and move there.

Things here are going pretty well. I actually get Evan more than she does. I have him four days a week, and she gets him for three. She agreed to that without a fight. Actually, she's kind of the one that initially proposed that set up. Obviously it will change as he gets older and school becomes a factor, but for right now it works. I'm pretty happy about it.

Life is pretty good right now, given the circumstances. Understandably, I'm still having a really hard time with things, but it's ok. Yes, it still hurts...a lot. Yes, I'm sad that it turned out this way. But it is what it is. They claim that whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but this is the first time that I have actually believed that phrase. I think I really will come out much stronger when all of this is said and done.
xxmadsenxx: (Default)
We're talking tonight. I know what the talk is.

Things haven't been good. They were good for like that week that I wrote about. But that's it.

That's the main reason I undeleted this thing...and why I did it today. I knew it was coming. So I need some kind of outlet.


xxmadsenxx: (Default)

April 2013



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