Oct. 7th, 2012 11:36 pm
xxmadsenxx: (Default)

I'm watching Long Island Medium, mostly because I can't find the remote. I'm sure it's close by somewhere, but I'm too lazy to look.

I'm really skeptical of mediums and psychics and all of that. I don't even know what my beliefs about the afterlife are, but I'd like to think that there's something. I'm kind of intrigued by the whole thing. I think most people who claim to be mediums are full of shit. But sometimes you hear about someone who knows things they couldn't have known. I don't's weird. If I heard there was a "real" medium around here, I'd consider going, just to see. Because if it is real, it would be cool to contact my brother. But I don't really believe in it. Sometimes I really wish I could talk to him. Ok, sometimes I do talk to him. But I wish I could know for a fact that he's there listening, and I really wish he could talk back. I miss him so much.

October is the worst month of the year for me, because it's the month he died. November and December are bad too, because of our birthday and Christmas. Plus there's the whole seasonal depression thing. Basically, October through February sucks. I really hate October though. Since I'm already depressed I have a feeling it's going to be really hard this year. I'm pretty sure I'll be an emotional wreck at the end of the month. I pushed it away with drugs and alcohol for so long that I didn't really start dealing with his death until I got sober. I still haven't fully dealt with it. It will be 13 years on the 29th, but I've only been trying to come to terms with it for five. And I haven't done a very good job of it.

It just sucks. I miss him so much. Beware, you'll probably hear (read) a lot more about that subject this month.

I strayed away from the original topic of this post. Well, kind of. But yeah, I really wish there was some way I could talk to him.

xxmadsenxx: (Default)

I've finally started catching up with you guys. I'm doing it slowly but surely.

Ella is doing so much better. Her eye infection is gone. We had to put eyedrops in her eyes twice a day for five days, which she HATED. Now she just has four and a half days of Amoxicillin left. She actually likes that. It's that pink liquid kind they give to kids and people who get their tonsils out. She doesn't object at all when we give it to her, so that makes it easy. I'm so glad she's almost better...for her sake and for mine and Jenny's.

So...Jenny and I finally had sex for the first time in I don't really know how long. I wasn't really that into it, and I think she could probably tell that I didn't really want to do it. I just did it because she was practically begging me to. I wish this total lack of a sex drive thing would go away. I kinda hope she won't want it again anytime soon. Wishful thinking, I'm sure. I feel bad for turning her down so much. She hasn't been trying as much lately, but she sure did this morning, so I just gave in. I have had periods of time where my sex drive was decreased, but NOTHING like this, and it has never lasted even close to this long. I felt obligated to have sex this morning. That's the reason I did it. I didn't want to. It's not just lack of a sex drive; sex is just completely unappealing to me right now. Instead of being fun and enjoyable it feels like a chore. It's really weird. Usually I'm the complete opposite of this.

I got told twice today that I need to gain weight. The first time was by Jenny this morning when we were lying in bed. It was right after we had sex and she was cuddled up to me. She said, "You've gotten really skinny, babe. You need to put some meat on those bones or you're going to look like a skeleton just in time for Halloween." Haha. I asked her how I'm supposed to do that if I'm supposed to be eating healthy. I haven't been eating healthy, by the way. Mostly because Jenny hasn't been either. At least she and Evan eat way healthier than I do on a regular basis though. But we also eat a lot of crap. Especially me. Anyway, she said I don't have to eat less if I eat healthy and that I could still eat junk, but to cut down on it and replace some of it with healthy food. She said she thinks it would help my energy level. I'm sure she's right. I have been eating even more crap since this depression started. Not more of it...less, actually. But it has been making up a larger proportion of my diet. When I'm depressed I eat less. Jenny is jealous of that haha. She does the opposite. I guess I hadn't really noticed that I'd lost more than a few pounds. I thought I'd lost 4 or 5 at the most. But nope, I've lost 12 in the past month. So now I'm down to 163. I'm 6'1" so that's not very much for my height. Plus on my frame it's way too skinny. I shouldn't go below 175. I need to gain that weight back.

We went to dinner at my mom's house tonight, and she also told me that I need to gain weight. She said I was starting to look too skinny and that she's worried about me. I told her she had nothing to worry about. She asked me what's going on with me. I told her that nothing is going on and I'm fine. She said I was lying. I told her I wasn't. She said, "I've been your mother a very long time, Chris. (She has always said that haha.) I know when you're lying, and you're lying right now. You're not fine. Please tell me what's going on." I told her again that I'm fine. She knew I wasn't going to say anything other than that, so she quit prying and dropped it.

It's kind of funny how people can comment on weight loss like that, but if I commented on their weight gain it wouldn't be ok. If Jenny or my mom or anyone really gained weight for whatever reason (other than having a baby, because they have to gain weight for that) and I said, "You're getting kinda fat. You need to lose the weight you've gained. Is everything ok with you?" I'd get killed lol. Especially by Jenny. I would never say that, but's a double standard. I don't care that they told me to gain weight. It doesn't bother me. I know I need to anyway. I just find the double standard interesting.

Red Vines are so good. I love candy.

xxmadsenxx: (Default)

I had my appointment with the psychiatrist today. I got a prescription for Trazodone to see if it will help me sleep. I talked to him about Effexor and I decided I'm going to wait a few weeks to see if my depression starts easing up. He said he thinks it would be a good idea for me to take it for at least a few months if I don't start feeling better in 3 to 4 weeks. He said that if I start getting more sleep I might feel better, so I hope the Trazodone works. He said he wants to see me in 3 to 4 weeks because he wants to monitor my depression because of my addiction. He asked me if I've been having cravings and I fessed up to having alcohol cravings. So I think that's the main reason he's worried about it.

I have pretty much been lying to myself and everyone else about the cravings. I have been craving alcohol the past couple weeks...sometimes pretty badly. I don't know why I was trying to downplay it. I think Jenny knew that I was having worse cravings and more of them than I've been letting onto, and that's why she threw it in my face a few times when we had that fight. Major low blow. She has apologized a million times for it, so that's good. That whole thing is another entry though. What's not acceptable and all of that. I don't feel like getting into that right now though. So yeah...I have been having cravings for alcohol. I've been thinking about it, and I think that's a lot of the reason I looked at that drink menu. Not just because I was curious. I mean...I wasn't going to order anything. I was just being dumb. At least I'm not craving any drugs. So that's a really good thing.

Ugh...I have to go back to work. At least for a few hours. I really don't want to. Oh well. I really will catch up with and get back to you guys later. I just haven't had a chance to yet.

12 Years

Oct. 28th, 2011 07:15 pm
xxmadsenxx: (Default)
Tomorrow is the 12-year anniversary of my brother's death. He died on Friday, October 29, 1999...only six days before our 20th birthday. Man, I'm old. (If you want the details of his death, here's an old entry about it: Halloween is always kind of a sad time of year for me. I love it, but at the same time, I hate it. I need to suck it up though, or at least put on a good act for Evan. He loves Halloween, so I need to make sure he has fun. At least taking him trick-or treating will cheer me up a bit, if I'm still feeling down on Monday.

I always get really strong urges to use around Halloween, for that reason. I mean, I always used and drank a ton around Halloween, because it's a huge party holiday. But even when I was doing it to party back then (even though I did it all the time anyway), I did it because I was thinking about him. I have had urges every year around Halloween since I've been clean and sober. This is my fifth Halloween since I got clean (since I've been clean/sober since March 2, 2007), but I'm still starting to get cravings. I was fine earlier today, but the past few hours they've been starting to creep up on me. Especially the past hour or two. I know they'll be bad tomorrow. The worst I've had in a long time, I'm sure. I'm trying to brace myself for it, because I know it's coming. I have a feeling I'll have a hard time sleeping tonight, because I'm sure they'll be pretty bad by then, at the rate they're coming on now. The next few days will probably be pretty bad, but tomorrow will be the worst. I just hope all the urges and depression go away by Tuesday, when Jenny and I are leaving for our trip. It's supposed to be a happy time, since we'll be getting engaged. I don't want to be feeling down or having cravings when we go. I think I'll be ok though. It's just this weekend that will be really hard. ESPECIALLY tomorrow. I had hoped that writing an entry about our trip and proposing would make me feel better, but it didn't really. I wish I could just keep thinking about that, but right now all I'm thinking about is my brother.

I think watching anyone die would be hard, but watching your identical twin die in front of you is REALLY hard. It's almost like watching yourself die, in a way. I wish I could erase it from my mind, but I can't. It still haunts me sometimes...and it always haunts me around Halloween. Jeremy was my best friend in the whole world. I would give anything to have him back.

The Halloween-time cravings are hard, because I crave EVERYTHING at once. Cocaine, alcohol, even opiates, up to and including heroin, and that wasn't really ever my thing. I only did it with him, and I didn't do it habitually. For a while I took a lot of painkillers, but I never did heroin very often (well, depending on your definition of "often"). But I guess that's probably why I crave heroin around this time of year...because I did it with him. I only did it a few times after he died. You'd think the fact that he died of a heroin overdose would make me NOT want it, but it has the opposite effect.

This year is especially hard. I don't know why. Some years the anniversary of his death is just harder than others. It's always hard, but sometimes it's REALLY hard. I can hardly believe it has already been 12 years.

Man, even since I started writing this the cravings have gotten a lot more intense. I have already gotten up for a cigarette THREE times since I started this entry. Fuck. I might as well be writing this in the garage, so I can smoke constantly. Good thing I just bought a carton...I know I'm going to go through A LOT of cigarettes in the next couple days. I know it's bad to smoke that much, but smoking like a chimney is the only thing that can keep me sane through all of this and curb the cravings at least a little bit. Cigarettes get me through the hard times. That's why it will be so hard to quit. But I'm not going to think about that right now. Not for a few more months. Fuck...I'm going out to the garage again. I'm sure I'll add to this entry later, as the night goes on and everything gets worse. I'll just keep adding to this one, because otherwise I'll just be annoying with multiple entries in a row about the same exact thing. Unless what I end up writing later is too long to add to this...then it will be separate, in which case, I'm sorry.

You know what? Scratch that...I KNOW I'll write a separate entry, because otherwise this will go on forever. Jenny went to dinner with a friend and I just texted her to ask when she'd be home. She called me and I guess she could tell I was upset before I even told her anything. Actually, I didn't even tell her anything. I just told her I was having a bad day. She knew why, obviously. She said she'd be home as soon as she can, but I told her not to hurry. I'll talk to her about it when she gets home in like an hour or so. I think I might talk to B about it, too. It's nice to have Jenny's love and support and to be able to talk to her about it, but B understands the craving side of it better than she does. I usually don't talk to him about my least not very often or in very much detail, but I need someone who understands. I know he's just a kid, but he's been through all the drug shit, so he can relate. Usually the only time I talk to him about my own cravings is when he comes to me needing someone he can relate to. Now it's the other way around. Maybe I shouldn't talk to him about it, but it's not like he hasn't heard plenty of people talk about cravings and drug use and all of that in rehab or at the youth center before. I guess that's different though. I don't know. But I feel like I need to talk to him. I guess I could call my older brother, but I don't really want to for some reason. We're really close, and I know I can talk to him about it, but right now I don't want to. I'll see him tomorrow. If I feel like it, I'll talk to him about it then. I'm sure my mom is going to be really sad tomorrow. I'm not going to say ANYTHING about my cravings to her. Not a word. She'll already be having a hard enough time. I'll go see her tomorrow though. I'll just have to hide the cravings for a few hours.

Ugh. I'm going to go have that cigarette I was talking about and then talk to B. Then Jenny when she gets home. Maybe things will get better after that, but probably not. Now it feels like it's getting worse by the minute.
xxmadsenxx: (Default)
I am so fucking depressed right now. I feel like absolute shit. I'm not a crier...but I feel the need to cry for some reason, but I don't even have it in me to do that. I just don't know what the fuck to do anymore. I'm sick of everything. Life is just too hard sometimes.

I'm starting to wonder if I made a mistake by breaking it off with Annie. I feel like I really need her right now...but then again, I always need someone or something when I feel like this. I'm not very good at dealing with shit on my own. I want nothing more than to call her and have her come sleep in my bed with me. I just want that closeness. I feel so empty and alone. I already want her back. :\

I have anxiety really bad right now too. That uncomfortable feeling in your chest. It fucking sucks, and I can't get rid of it. I just feel hopeless, empty and alone.

I feel like breaking down right now.

Long rant

Feb. 19th, 2007 03:42 am
xxmadsenxx: (Default)
I feel like the biggest piece of shit in the world. I do nothing but cause problems for all of the people that care about me.

I'm not doing as well as I thought I would be doing if I went back home. I can't stop. I've cut down quite a bit, but I can't stop yet...and that sucks, because stopping is only the first step. It's hard, but it's definitely not more difficult than everything that follows. Adapting to and accepting life without drugs and alcohol is the hardest part. It's changing everything you know. It forces you to deal with your life and your emotions. I have NEVER been good at that, and getting fucked up has always been my means of "dealing". I deal with things by not dealing with them. I do whatever I can to escape from reality and suppress my emotions. I can't seem to internalize the fact that if I want to get better, I have to learn how to face life head on and deal with what it gives me. I need to learn how to live sober, because I don't know how.

I have gone through the rehabilitation process so many times, I could write a book on it. Obviously I wouldn't have any advice as to how to make the rehab process successful, but as for going through it...been there done that a million times.

You always hear that in order to get better, you have to do it for yourself, but you know what? I have absolutely no desire to do it for myself. I only care about getting better because the people that love me want me to, and I don't want to hurt them anymore. If I didn't have them, I would have absolutely no desire to quit. I would keep using until I died, because I really wouldn't care. Sometimes I think it would be better if I did die. I know I sound stupid saying that. I know it's not true. I don't even really mean it. I just feel that way sometimes.

I don't even know why I'm using right now. It's a coping mechanism of mine, but it's not like I have much that I need to "cope" with. I have everything I could possibly amazing wife; beautiful, healthy kids. I love Jenny and our kids more than anything in this world. I don't really understand why I'm doing this. I wish I could just stop. I hate it. Every time I open a bottle, I hate it. Every time something goes up my nose, I hate it. Every time I pop pills, whatever kind they may be, I hate it. I hate all of it, and I hate myself for doing it. I hate myself for not being able to control it. And most of all, I hate myself for hurting my family.

My poor mother. I went over to her house today, and when we started talking, she just broke down and cried. She knows that I relapsed months ago. It's not like it was a surprise when I went over there today. But she hates seeing it. And you CAN see it...I have lost about 15 pounds, which is a lot for me, and I have big dark circles under my eyes from not sleeping well (or much at all). Anyway, she cried today, and it made me feel like shit. I hate doing this to her. My mom has gone through so much already. She doesn't need this. She told me that it breaks her heart to see me doing this to myself, and that she can't bear the thought of losing me too (like she lost my brother). She said "I don't want to see both of my twin boys killed by the same unnecessary evil." I don't want to do that to her. I don't want to put her through it again. I can't even imagine how hard it would be to lose a child, and she has already lost one. That must be the most horrible thing in the world. You'd think that would be enough to make me stop. She also told me that she feels like she has failed as a mother. I feel really bad about that, because it isn't her fault. None of it is. My mom did EVERYTHING she possibly could have done, and more. She continues to do everything that she could possibly do. She has been nothing but a wonderful mother, and I hate that she feels at all responsible for anything that has happened. I couldn't ask for a better mom. Aside from genetic disposition, there is no one to put the blame on but my father. My mom is amazing. I have told her this so many times, but I don't think she'll ever really stop blaming herself, even though it's not at all her fault.

My brother is just about at the end of his rope with me. He has always been the one that was there to pick me up when I fell, but I have fallen so many times that he doesn't really have the strength to pick me up anymore. He won't flat out tell me that, but I can feel it. He's my best friend in the whole world, and I'm I know how hard it is for him.

And Jenny...oh God, Jenny. The love of my life. My wife. The mother of my children. Why am I doing this to her? I hate myself so much for it. I love her so much it hurts, so it kills me to know how much pain I'm causing her. I want nothing more than to make her happy and if I could, I would take away all of the pain that she has ever endured in her life...but now I'm the one causing it. I know I keep saying that I hate myself, but I really hate myself for that.

I love my wife and kids so much. I don't want to become my father. I can't. I won't. Like I have said many times before, I would never do some of the things that he did, or be abusive to my family in any way, but my substance abuse is abuse enough.

When I look at my wife, it kills me to see the pain in her eyes, because I'm the one that caused it. I just want to hold her in my arms and tell her that everything will be ok, but I can't, because everything won't be okay until I overcome this once and for all. I know I will always struggle with sobriety once I achieve it (IF I achieve seems impossible sometimes), but I want to get to the point that I will never go back (to using).

I just don't know what to do anymore. I want to stop. Really, I do. For good. But living sober forever scares me, and I don't know how to do it.

I need to learn how to stop all this self-loathing so that I can get better for ME. I need to want to be sober not just for my family, but for myself. I just don't know how to get to that point.


I want a drink, but I'm going to try to resist and go have a cigarette instead.

On a lighter note, my son turned one this month. How crazy is that? I can't believe it has been a whole year already. It has gone by so fast.


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April 2013



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