xxmadsenxx: (Default)
For some reason I've been thinking about my dad tonight. It's pretty late, but I'm not tired at all. It's giving me too much time to think. I don't know why he popped into my head. I fucking hate him.

He was such an asshole. I could kill him for the way he treated my mom. He treated me and my siblings like shit, too...but especially me and Jeremy. He hated us before we were even born. The story of my birth is pretty fucked up. I am SO excited for my baby to get here. I seriously, for the life of me, cannot understand how he could be so hateful toward two little babies. It started as soon as my mom found out she was having twins. He didn't like the idea of having twins, and he took it out on my mom. He didn't hit her (while she was pregnant), but he was extremely emotionally abusive. Anyway, here's the fucked up story of my birth and another incident that happened when I was an infant, as told to me by my mother.

Jeremy and I were born three-and-a-half weeks early. My mom developed pre-eclampsia and had to have an emergency C-section. We were small, but we were okay. They kept us in the NICU for a few days to be safe though. My dad blamed my mom for our early births. A few hours after we were born, he told her she was "a sorry excuse for a woman, because she couldn’t even keep the buns in the oven until they were done." Like that was her fault. The next afternoon, he started in on my mom again. He was yelling so loud that a few nurses came to the room and told him he had to leave, or they’d call security. So he left, but not without a scene, of course. He yelled profanities the whole way out. My mom, who had given birth less than 24 hours earlier, was left alone and crying in her hospital room.

From the time they brought us home from the hospital, my dad was uninvolved in taking care of us. My mom had to take care of newborn twins and a toddler by herself, while my dad sat around getting drunk. His drinking got worse and worse, and he got meaner and meaner.
When Jeremy and I were about two months old, he gave my mom a black eye because we were crying in the middle of the night. He said, "You’d better shut those brats up, or I’ll give them a reason to cry." She told him that we just needed to be fed, and asked him not to say things like that. His response was a fist in her face, followed by "I’ll say whatever the fuck I want. Start feeding them before they start fussing from now on. Set a timer or something. I don’t care. I just don’t want to hear it."

I just don't get it. How could he have that much hostility toward two helpless, innocent little infants? And I HATE that he treated my mom like that. He was even worse to me and my brothers, but especially me and my twin, like I said before. Well, worse in some ways. He went after us (physically and verbally) the most. He was emotionally abusive to my sister, but at least he never hit her. He'd hit me and my brothers though. He never completely beat the shit out of us, but he was physically abusive. Well, he tried to beat the shit out of me when I was like 14 or 15. I got a few punches in, but I couldn't completely fight him off at that age...I mean, I was in 9th grade, and he was a full-grown man. Fucking ridiculous. Jeremy heard us fighting, so he ran into the room and pulled my dad off of me. Then the two of us went at him. So my dad ended up being the one who got the beating. Served him right. A few months later, he tried attacking both of us, and my older brother stepped in and defended us against him. My brother and I got in quite a few fist fights with my dad as I got older. Then he started backing off, once he realized Jeremy and I were capable of kicking his ass. By then we were both a few inches taller than him and stronger than he was, and we could do a lot more than just hold our own. So for the last year or two that he was around, he quit hitting us. He was still extremely emotionally abusive though. My dad's emotional and psychological abuse was worse than the physical abuse. For sure. I think that's what fucked us all up so badly.

I really don't understand it. I love my son more than anything, and I can't wait for my daughter to get here. I'm extremely happy and excited about her. I love being a dad more than anything in the world. How can you just not love your kids and treat them that way? What pisses me off the most about him is that he didn't even come to Jeremy's funeral. How do you not go to your own kid's fucking funeral? No parent should ever have to lose a child (although I highly doubt he cared), but in the event that it did happen, I can't imagine any other parent just not going to the funeral. It's not like he didn't know about it. He did. He left us about two and a half years before Jeremy died, but he knew about his death and the funeral. His sister told him. But he didn't even fucking show up. I will NEVER forgive him for that. Well, he died a few years ago, but I still won't ever forgive him.

I could never treat Jenny (or any other woman for that matter) the way he treated my mom.No way in HELL. He was so mean to her. He turned her into a shell of a person. She's better now, but it really messed her up for a long time. I could never emotionally abuse a woman or a child like that. And I certainly could never physically abuse them. That is just so fucked up. I can't even imagine doing that. I would NEVER hit a woman or a child. Not in a million years. And I would never emotionally and psychologically beat them down, either.

I know I can be an asshole sometimes. But I'm never even close to emotionally abusive. Jenny and I fight sometimes, and I can definitely be a jerk when we fight or if I'm extremely upset about something (just like how she can be a bitch sometimes), but I never make low blows or say anything that could psychologically damage her. I would never do that to her. You don't treat people you love like that. For that matter, you shouldn't treat ANYONE like that. I am NEVER mean to Evan. Nowhere near it. I don't want to be anything like my dad. I learned what NOT to do from him. Evan means the world to me. I know I'm a good dad. And overall, I'm a really good boyfriend/fiance/husband/whatever. My dad was everything I never want to be, and aside from the addiction thing, I think I've done a pretty damn good job of not being anything like him.

God, I hate him.

Anyway...I'm still really happy about everything right now. I'm not upset or anything. Maybe a little pissed off after thinking about him, but nothing too bad. He's not worth getting upset over. I just started thinking about him for some reason and I wanted to get it out.
xxmadsenxx: (Default)
My mom wants to go to the funeral. :\ She asked me if I wanted to go with her, and I said no. I feel bad for saying no, but I have absolutely no desire to go. I don't think he deserves to have any of us there. I wish she wasn't going. I guess she's taking my little sister with her. If my sister wasn't going I guess I would go, simply because I wouldn't want my mom to have to go by herself. Especially since it's in MA.

She seems pretty upset about it. I guess I can kind of understand why, because they were together for a long time...over 20 years. I really do not understand why she stayed with him for so long. He cheated on her multiple times, he was extremely emotionally abusive, and he was also physically abusive sometimes. On top of that, he was abusive toward his kids. If she didn't want to leave him for herself, she should have left him for her children's sake. But no. She stayed with him, and he ended up leaving us. My mom is such a smart woman, so I don't see how she could be so stupid.

I think part of the reason I am so bothered by her decision to go to the funeral is because my dad didn't even bother to go to my brother's funeral, like I mentioned before. He didn't care enough to go to his own son's funeral, yet my mom is planning on going to my dad's funeral even though he abused her for years and then left her? Not to mention, she hasn't had any contact with him since he left, and that was 11 or 12 years ago. I don't remember exactly how long ago it was, because that part of my life is basically just a huge blur. I think it was close to 12 years ago though. But anyway, I really wish she wouldn't go. My brother feels the same way. It's her decision though. I don't agree with her decision, but I guess I'll just have to respect it.
xxmadsenxx: (Default)
I can honestly say that I am not at all sad about my dad's death. Like I said in my last entry, I don't feel like I have really lost anything. I hadn't seen the guy in over a decade, and before he left he put my family through hell. For most of my life I have felt nothing but hatred for the man. I'm not upset about his death at all, but for some reason I can't stop thinking about him. Mostly because I don't understand how or why he did all of the things that he did. I can't even imagine treating my son the way that he treated us. I couldn't do it. I love him more than anything, and I just can't understand how any parent could be so horrible to their children. I could never hurt Evan like that. I love him way too much. I guess I just don't understand why he didn't feel that way about us. And my mom...I could NEVER treat a woman the way that he treated my mom. I don't know why she put up with it for so long. Part of me wishes that I would have told him exactly what I think about him, but it's not like that would have accomplished anything anyway. I may have inherited the whole addiction thing from him, but at least that's the only trait of his that I have. That and his stubborn streak, I suppose. But none of the other stuff, thank God.

I don't really know how to feel about this whole thing, so I pretty much just don't feel anything.

I don't think I'll even go to his funeral. He didn't even go to my brother's funeral. How do you just not go to your own fucking son's funeral? We didn't have any contact with him at the time, but I know for a fact that he knew about it. He just didn't care enough to show up.

I know a lot of people say it's wrong to speak ill of the dead, but seriously...fuck him.
xxmadsenxx: (Default)
So...I found out that my dad died yesterday. He lived quite a bit longer than they thought he would. To be honest, I don't really feel like I have suffered much of a loss. This may sound bad, but I'm pretty much just apathetic.
xxmadsenxx: (Default)
I'm back. It's been a while. My laptop crapped out on me so I had to get a new one. That and I haven't had much to post about. I definitely have some things to write about now though.

For one, I just found out that my dad is dying, and I don't even know what to think about that.

This is long. )
xxmadsenxx: (Default)
Sometimes I think Jenny would be better off with her ex-husband. Yes, I realize that he's her ex-husband for a reason, but we started dating after they had been separated for about 9 months, right before she filed for divorce. There was a possibility of them getting back together. But first she wanted to make sure that she was doing the right thing by making it permanent and being with me instead. Which are the pretenses under which we had our first kiss. Right after that, she filed. Originally, I planned on steering clear and not even so much as kissing her until she filed for divorce, because even though they had been separated for nearly a year, something about it didn't feel right...she was still technically married, and I didn't want to fuck with that. But she was torn as to what to do, and was afraid to leave everything she knew (they had been together since she turned 16) for something that she wasn't sure about. She felt that the only way she could really be sure was if we kissed. I'm repeating myself a lot. I know that. Excuse me, I'm a bit off right now. But let's not get into that. Anyway, sometimes part of me thinks that maybe it never should have happened. That maybe they should have just worked things out...and I'm sure they could have. Don't get me wrong, I love her more than life itself, but I want what's best for her. And if I would have just stayed away like I had planned on doing, maybe things would have worked out for them, and she'd be better off. He can give her things that I'll never be able to give her...he's loaded, he's in law school, he could give her everything she could ever want...but she left that for some punk rocker drug addict/alcoholic. I don't want her to have to deal with this shit. I thought it was over and done with, because things were going so well for so long. But obviously that's not the case. Now I feel guilty for bringing her into all of this.

When I'm not in my current state of mind, I know that all the shit I just wrote isn't true. That I don't really think she'd be better off with him. If that were the case, she wouldn't have been so unhappy that she felt the need to divorce him. I know that she loves me, and that she'll stand by me through thick and thin without thinking twice about it. She lets me know how much she loves me every single day. I just feel really bad about it. I want the best for her...not this.

My dad put my mom through hell. He had uncontrollable (alcohol-induced) rages, he abused her and cheated on her, and he abandoned us. Just upped and left without a trace. Who knows if he's even still alive. But I swear to God, if I ever saw that mother fucker again, I'd beat him to a bloody pulp. And my dad was only an alcoholic...no drugs involved. I refuse to put my family through anything even remotely like that.

I really hope I can get clean and stay clean this time around. I have to. If not...I don't know what will happen. I don't even want to think about it. But I don't want that kind of life for my wife and my kids. I want the very best for them, and I can't give them that unless I get clean and stay that way.

I know all of my entries the past few days or so have been really repetitive, but I can't help it. It's all that's on my mind...it's consuming my life. I can't talk to Jenny about it (I need to...I just haven't yet), so this stupid online journal is the best outlet I have at the moment.


xxmadsenxx: (Default)

April 2013



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