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I'm watching Family Guy, and Brian and Peter were court ordered to go to AA meetings for 30 days. When the guy leading the meeting told Peter he needed to turn himself over to a higher power, Brian laughed. Well, not a full-on laugh...you know, one of those single "ha" laughs you do when you think something's stupid. I got in trouble for doing the exact same thing at an AA meeting in rehab once haha. Not the last time I went, or the time before that, or the time before that, but I think it was the time before that time. Nope, wait...not that time either. The time before that. Not like I've been to rehab very many times or anything. No big deal. It was when I was 18. I know that much. Of course when they asked what my little "ha" was about, I went off on a rant about everything I dislike about AA. I mostly went off about the "Higher Power" thing. I got a lecture for it. I still had to go to meetings of course, since it was part of the rehab program, but the person lecturing me told me to keep my comments to myself. I said, "But I thought we were supposed to SHARE in meetings," with a smart ass tone, and he didn't like that too much either. I ended up getting kicked out of that rehab lol. Not for the meeting incident...that happened like the third day I was there. It was shortly after that though. I don't remember how long I was there...maybe a week? I got kicked out for mouthing off too much and disobeying the rules. I was pretty happy about it. My mom was PISSED at me, but I was happy. But yeah, that Brian thing just reminded me of it, because "ha" was my exact response that time too.

Ella turned four months old yesterday. She has already started teething. She FINALLY started getting better about sleeping at night because her colic started getting better. She's still a little colicky, but not even close to as bad. It started getting a little better a couple weeks ago, but there was a major improvement about a week ago. So we got about a week of relatively peaceful nights. Then it was just kind of like, "Haha just kidding, fuck you guys," and the long nights started up again. At least with the colic we typically knew the time frame in which she'd start screaming. It was almost like clockwork. Now it just happens at random times. I don't mean crying, I mean screaming. Just like with the colic. Loud, blow-out-your-eardrums screaming. That type of screaming is mostly at night, of course. It wouldn't be very Ella-like if it wasn't. But she's crying a lot during the day, too. And she's just fussy in general. Ella is a pretty fussy baby who cries a lot anyway, so throw teething in there, and fuuuuccckkk. Babies drool so fucking much when they're teething. It's insane. So the past couple days we have just kept teething bibs on her all day, because otherwise we wind up changing her clothes a million times a day because her shirt ends up getting soaked. She has all the signs of teething. The drooling, the crying, runny nose, wants to chew on everything non-stop. All of that. Sometimes you can really tell that her teeth (or gums, I guess) are bothering her. I feel bad for her. Poor little thing. I also feel bad for us haha.

Jenny is trying to get me to "smoke healthier." Since I'm not really at a point where I feel like I can stop smoking right now, she said she wants me to try to "smoke healthier." She bought me natural tobacco and this little cigarette-making machine. It's not a roller...it like, shoves the tobacco into an already-made cigarette. So it still has a filter and everything, just like a normal cigarette. I agreed to try it. I mean...she already bought it. What was I going to do, say no after she already got it for me? It would be cheaper than buying cigarettes, that's for sure. But I like my menthols. That's what I have a problem with. I don't like non-menthol cigarettes. Cigarettes are bad for you as it is, and I know adding menthol to it makes them even worse. But that's what I like. I just really don't like non-menthols. I don't like the way they taste, I don't like the way they feel when you smoke them, I just don't like them. When she gave it to me, I asked, "Didn't they have menthol tobacco?" She said, "The point is that I want you to smoke healthier if you're going to smoke, so without the menthol and all the other chemicals in the cigarettes you smoke now. I wasn't just thinking 'Oh, Chris might have fun making his own cigarettes! I'll get him a new toy!' or I would have gotten you menthol." Haha. So I'm trying it. I'll admit, making my own is kind of fun. I doubt I'll continue to think that for very long though. Buying them is way easier and much less time consuming. Before work yesterday I just made a bunch and stuck them in an old cigarette pack. We'll see how this goes. I'm pretty sure it won't last more than a week, but I'll try.

I started writing this like two and a half hours ago haha. Obviously it hasn't held my attention. I keep coming and going from it. It's 7:00am and I still haven't slept. I was thinking I'd get a few hours of sleep in before I have to go to work, but I'm starting to doubt that. Oh well, at least it's only a half day.

Edit: 10:30. Still awake. I decided to just not go in to work today. I'm not taking the day off...I'm still working from home. But right now I'm not very busy, obviously...since I'm here. Haha.
xxmadsenxx: (Default)
I've been having cravings for alcohol. Specifically whiskey. Big surprise there, haha. I crave alcohol the most when I want to drown things out...and right now, I want to drown out EVERYTHING. I'm just so fucking stressed and worried, but I have to keep it in because I don't want to add to Jenny's stress. She's going through enough right now. No need to trouble her with more. I'm trying to hide it from Evan, too. He's too young to understand, and I don't want him to be worried. No point in stressing out a little kid. He was a little worried when Jenny was in the hospital a few days ago, but I assured him that everything was ok. He believed me, so he's fine. But kids seem to be really good at picking up on the emotions of the people around them, so I try to play it cool whenever I'm around him...which is a lot. So I'm hiding it all the time, because I'm always around Evan and/or Jenny. Anyway, the cravings aren't that bad, but they're bad enough to be bothersome. Oh well. They'll pass. It just sucks for the time being.

There's no way in hell I can try to quit smoking anytime soon. It's going to have to wait for at least a few months. I still want to quit before the baby comes, but who knows if that will actually happen. I am WAY too stressed to even attempt to quit right now, and by the time all this sickness shit with Jenny is over (if it's ever over), it will be close to the holidays. Also not a good time to quit. Maybe I'll start trying sometime around the beginning of next year.
xxmadsenxx: (Default)
I swear I don't know one recovering addict/alcoholic that doesn't smoke cigarettes, myself included. It's like you NEED them because they're the only "substance" you can have.

I want to quit though.

Fuck. I need one now. I still can't stop thinking about my brother Jeremy. That dream is haunting me. It's all I thought about at work today. Well, that and sex since I'm craving it but definitely won't get it, lol. I'm sure you all wanted to hear that I've been thinking about that. It's frustrating, but at least it temporarily takes my mind off of my brother.

I miss Annie. I wish she was coming over tonight. I haven't seen her for a couple days. Well...ok, since Saturday. But still.
xxmadsenxx: (Default)
I swear, it is damn near impossible to quit smoking cigarettes.

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