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Annie called me early Saturday evening, completely out of the blue. I hadn't talked to her for a long time. I don't even know how long. Luckily Jenny wasn't here. It was unexpected and awkward. There were quite a few awkward pauses. We started out with basic chit chat, like the "how have you been?" and "what have you been up to?" type stuff. I just told her about school, work, and my internship. Then I asked what she had been up to lately. She told me about school and work, and that she has been doing a lot of makeup freelancing. I asked her about it because I could tell she was excited about the makeup jobs. She asked how Evan was doing and I told her that he was doing well and told her about his birthday party and stuff like that.

Then she said, "So, are you seeing anyone?" That's when it got really uncomfortable. I paused for a second and then said, "Yeah...I am." I'm pretty sure she could tell I was uncomfortable and felt really awkward by the way I answered it. There was a pause, so I just asked, "Are you?" to break the silence. She said, "No, not really," and then asked who I was dating. I didn't really know what to say. I knew she would be pretty hurt, not to mention livid, if I told her I was seeing Jenny. At the same time, I didn't want to lie to her, because that never helps anything. That's something I have learned over the years haha. So after a really long, awkward pause I said, "Um...Jenny, actually." She said, "Jenny? As in your ex-wife Jenny?" Then there was another long pause. It was so awkward. I finally just said "yeah" quietly. Then yet another awkward pause. Then she switched to an extremely pissed off tone and raised her voice. She said, "Are you fucking kidding me, Chris? Jenny? Wow..." I seriously had no idea what to say. I started to apologize because I didn't know what else to say, but I only got so far as "Annie, I'm sor...." before she cut me off. She said, "I can't believe you're dating your ex-wife. So everything you told me before was complete bullshit. You're a fucking asshole. Whatever." Then she just hung up.

I feel really bad, but I had no idea what else to say. Jenny and I were supposed to hang out tonight, but I didn't really feel up to it after that, so I called her and told her that I had a headache and didn't feel well (which was true) and rescheduled for tomorrow (Sunday) instead, although I guess that's technically today now.

I feel like absolute shit. I don't know what I should say to Annie, or if I should say anything else at all. I feel really bad about the whole thing, and it's driving me crazy. I can't stop thinking about it. I knew that Annie would be really hurt and upset about Jenny and I getting back together, and I feel terrible about that. I know she would have found out eventually anyway, but it still sucks. Sometimes things really eat at me, and this is definitely eating away at me right now. I can't sleep because I can't stop thinking about it. My mind keeps racing. Now I'll probably be up all night, or close to it. Ugh. Good thing it's the weekend.
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I really should have updated before now, but things have just been really hectic and it completely slipped my mind. A lot has happened though.

Annie and I broke up at the beginning of March. To be honest, our relationship had been going downhill pretty fast since about December. I just didn't really mention it here. Sex thing aside, things weren't going well and it was getting progressively worse, so I ended it. We both agreed that it was for the best. Who knows if something will happen between us again in the future. I guess time will tell. But at least for now, it's over. We're on good terms, but we don't talk much. We were together for a little over a year, so it was definitely difficult. I loved her and it felt so right for a while, but things changed.

As for what else has been going on...anyone who reads this will probably say (or at least think) that I'm a fucking idiot, and I probably am...but since the break up with Annie, I have been sleeping with Jenny. Regularly. We see each other four or five times a week. She and Justin split in mid-January, and about six or seven weeks later I ended it with Annie. Believe it or not, but Jenny ending it with Justin had absolutely nothing to do with my break up with Annie. Completely unrelated.

My relationship with Jenny is purely physical. Whether or not that will change, who knows. But for right now we're just sleeping together. This has been going on for over a month now, and so far so good. No drama at all.

Jenny has been clean for over eight months, and she's doing really well. She's stable. She started taking new medication at the end of last year or beginning of this year, and it has helped her a lot. She was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and has been going to therapy every week, which is really helping her. The Borderline thing definitely explains a lot. I had thought for a while that she might possibly have it, so her diagnosis wasn't surprising. She's doing great though. I haven't seen her this stable and happy in a long time. It's like the old Jenny is back. I hope it lasts, because it's great to see her like this.

My son turned 3 in February. I can't believe how time flies. He's growing up so fast.

I'm really glad it's the end of the semester. I have so much to do in the next couple weeks though. It sucks. I'm definitely ready for it to be over.

I can't think of anything else to write about right now. I hope you're all doing well.
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Annie decided to go see a therapist. Her first appointment is on Thursday. I really hope it helps.

I'm pretty happy and proud that I was sober for all of 2008, from beginning to end. It feels good to be able to say that. I'll be two years sober/clean in March.

Not much else to write about right now. I hope you all had a happy holiday and safe New Year's.
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Annie and I finally fooled around for the first time last night, when she slept over. Finally! It's about damn time! It's not sex, but at least it's something. I have NEVER waited that long to do shit with a girl before. Oh well, I love her.

This may be too much information, but I gave her her first orgasm. ;) I can't believe she had never had one before. That's sad.

She's absolutely BEAUTIFUL, so it's crazy that she hasn't had much sexual experience. I know that being good looking doesn't have anything to do with having sex, but most extremely attractive girls I know have more experience than she does. Most girls in general do. I know saying that is a generalization and kind of stereotypical, but that's just my experience. I think her innocence is cute though.
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I know most of you will probably think this is way too soon...but Annie and I are back together as of today. I know we were only "on a break" for eight days...but since we still talk all the time and I have feelings for her and wanted to get back into a relationship with her anyway, I decided that there was really no need to wait. Well...maybe it would be best to wait, but I'm really happy to be with her again.
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Annie wants to hang out this weekend, either Friday or Saturday. I hope I don't do anything stupid, ie. kiss her again. That will just complicate things. I do feel like I want her back though. I know I haven't had a lot of time to think...but I have been thinking about it non-stop, and I feel that it would be best to get back with Annie. Not immediately, but eventually. Not only is it best for me, but I want to be with Annie. Even though part of me wants to be with Jenny, I know that it won't work. There's no need to put myself and my son through that...or her, for that matter.

Also, insomnia sucks sometimes. I'm fucking bored and wide awake.
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Annie sent out an email survey. I guess she was bored at work. It's one where you use lyrics to answer questions. Some of it is kinda funny, and some of it is sad. Here's a little bit of what she wrote that is relevant to what I write about here.

This is kind of funny and sad at the same time. )
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I'm a fucking idiot.

Annie and I were texting while we were at work, and she said she lost her Horrorpops CD. She loves them, haha. So I went and bought her another one, and I took it to her after work. Well, I somehow ended up kissing her. She didn't make the move though, I did. I didn't even think about it. After a minute I backed away and said "I can't do this right now. I'm sorry," and left. I feel kind of bad about that. I want to get back with her, but I can't. So I shouldn't be leading her on.

Ugh fuck.

I need to learn to think before I do things. I've never been very good at that, haha.

Also, Annie texted me a few hours ago and asked why I kissed her. She got upset because my answer was "I don't know." That's the truth though. I don't know why I did it. I just did it without thinking.
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I am so fucking depressed right now. I feel like absolute shit. I'm not a crier...but I feel the need to cry for some reason, but I don't even have it in me to do that. I just don't know what the fuck to do anymore. I'm sick of everything. Life is just too hard sometimes.

I'm starting to wonder if I made a mistake by breaking it off with Annie. I feel like I really need her right now...but then again, I always need someone or something when I feel like this. I'm not very good at dealing with shit on my own. I want nothing more than to call her and have her come sleep in my bed with me. I just want that closeness. I feel so empty and alone. I already want her back. :\

I have anxiety really bad right now too. That uncomfortable feeling in your chest. It fucking sucks, and I can't get rid of it. I just feel hopeless, empty and alone.

I feel like breaking down right now.
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I broke up with Annie last night. Well, kind of. We're "on a break". When I said we needed to take a break her eyes teared up and she said "You don't want to be with me anymore?" My response was simply "I want to, but I can't right now." Then she cried...a lot. I felt really bad, but I just can't do this right now. I told her I'm just having a really hard time with things, and I need some space. She asked if I was breaking up with her because of Jenny, and I told her no..that I just realized I'm not ready right now. Which hurt her, I'm sure. She got mad at me and bitched about me not ending it earlier if I wasn't ready, rather than waiting until after the six month mark. I admit, I should have...but I WANTED to be with her. Deep down I knew that I wasn't ready for another relationship, but I pushed that away and stayed with her anyway. I love Annie. I really do. I just can't deal with all of this right now. I need to focus on myself for a while. Who knows if this is really just a "break" or if it's over. I guess time will tell. I just don't think everything that's going on right now is fair to Annie, and I don't want to hurt her more than I have to. I realize that I have already hurt her, and that I hurt her by ending things, but I didn't know what else to do.

I'm also somewhat concerned about my sobriety. I have been craving both alcohol and coke REALLY bad this week. I'm resisting, but it's difficult. Maybe I should go to meetings or something...although the 12 step program is not for me. It might help though. Who knows. When I get a really strong craving, I just think about my son and it helps ease the craving. Like I have said a million times...if I didn't have him, I'd still be using. But I can't do that to him...ESPECIALLY since I have custody of him. I don't want to lose that.

I don't know why I told Jenny this, but I told her about the "break" that Annie and I are taking. She seemed excited...surprise surprise. She acted like she felt sorry for me and all of that, but I think that's just what it was...an act. The tone of her voice said something different. I don't know why I ran to Jenny. Just what I'm used to I guess. I'm still her safety net, and sometimes I think that she's mine, too.

I feel like shit for hurting Annie and making her cry so much. I just don't know what else to do. :\ I really want to be with her, but I just can't. It's so hard not to have a drink right now. Thank God for cigarettes, right? But I should quit those too. Now is definitely not the time for that though.

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Uh oh. I'm in trouble. Annie came over about two hours ago. She just barely stormed out of my house because she saw an inappropriate text from Jenny...which simply said "I want to fuck you."
WTF? She should NOT be sending me texts like that. I'm getting really fed up with this whole thing.

I understand why Annie is upset...but she shouldn't be as mad at me as she is. I didn't do anything! Yeah, I have been putting up with her sending me shit like that...but it's not like I responded to it.

I need Jenny to back the fuck off. Being good friends is fine...this is not. I can't fucking deal with this shit right now.
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How can I tell Jenny to back off a bit without upsetting her too much? I don't want her to think that I don't care, because I do and I'll always be here for her. But our closeness causes problems in my relationship with Annie, and I don't want that to keep happening. I'm just not sure what to say to Jenny. I still want her to be able to confide in me, and I want to try to help her, but I guess it's going too far. Annie is afraid that I'm having an "emotional relationship" with Jenny. Depending on how you look at it, I suppose that could be true. But it's nothing like that. I'm just always there for her, and I know she'll always be there for me. Plus we have a son together. There is always going to be an emotional bond there.

I need to stop devoting so much time to Jenny. I can't keep talking to her all the time, because it's upsetting Annie. But I need to be there for Jenny at the same time. It's frustrating.

Still craving a drink. But obviously a cigarette will have to do.
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Sometimes I wonder if part of the reason I miss being with Jenny is the sexual thing. Annie is STILL a virgin, and about a year after our first kiss and six months into our relationship, we still haven't done ANYTHING.

I can't even touch her OVER her pants or she freaks out. I was amazed that she let me slip my hand under her bra the other day. Sorry if that's TMI.

I'm dying though. I haven't had sex in at least a year and a half. It sucks. I have never gone this long without it before.
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Annie is getting fed up with me talking to Jenny so much. We got into a little fight over it today. But what the fuck am I supposed to do? Jenny needs me right now. Jenny is still a huge part of my life, and she always will be. It's hard for Annie to accept and understand that though...which I can understand. But I need to be there for Jenny.

On a lighter note, Annie and I just celebrated our six month anniversary. We have been good friends for over a year though.

Update #2

Jun. 16th, 2008 09:19 pm
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So...the other shit I have to write about.

1) Annie and I are still together, and everything is going really well. She's still an anti-sexual virgin, but other than that everything's great haha.

2) My son is amazing as always. I can't complain there. :) I love having him live with me full-time.

3) Work is going well. I was recently promoted, which is good. My job is boring, but I can't complain since I get to listen to my iPod almost the entire time, and now I only have to answer to one person.

4) Jenny (my ex-wife) started using cocaine again. She still confides in me, which is why I know this. Justin (her once ex-husband, now boyfriend) doesn't know about it. I feel partially responsible for it. I know it's not my fault if she chooses do to coke, but I feel like I somehow contributed to it in some way. I NEVER did coke around her when we were together. She was never around it when she was with me, regardless of the fact that I was doing it all the time. So technically I didn't introduce her to it or anything like that, but I somehow feel as though my addiction caused her to try it. I don't know exactly what I'm trying to say...I just feel guilty. She was doing it recreationally for a little while a few months ago, but then she stopped. She started up again about two months ago and has been doing it fairly regularly ever since. Now she'll go on sprees where she'll do it for four days in a row or so, stop for a few days, and then start again. She typically does it two to three times a week, but sometimes she has "good weeks", which means she gets to do it more. She told me that she has spent $800 on coke in the last six weeks. For a coke head, that's not a lot...I went through A LOT more than that, but luckily I was either dating or good friends with most of my dealers back in the day, haha. But anyway, it worries me. Justin is very well off, so she has plenty of disposable income, and he'll never even notice where her money is going...until she starts spending hundreds and hundreds a week anyway, which I'm afraid may end up happening.

I can't decide whether or not I think she's addicted just yet. I don't think she knows either. She hasn't said that she wants to stop, only that she should. She claims she has it under control. Her reasons for that are that one, she doesn't do it "all the time" (but that's a matter of definition). Two, she "doesn't HAVE to do it, but just wants to". Three, she doesn't do it when the kids are around. Four, she doesn't bring it home with her. YET. I don't think those are really valid justifications, but whatever. If she's not already addicted, I think she's becoming an addict and it scares me to death. She has SEEN what addiction does to people. She went through it with me. She's such a smart girl...so I don't know why she would do this after seeing what it does to a person and to their family. My coke habit caused so many problems for me, for her, and for our family. Now she's doing the same damn thing, or at least she's going down that path. Part of me will always love Jenny, and she's breaking my heart by doing this to herself. I don't know what to do. I think Justin NEEDS to know, but I don't think it's my place to tell him, even though we're friendly and on good terms now. If she doesn't tell him and it gets much worse, I won't have any choice but to tell him, but as of right now I'm not sure what to do. I don't think she needs rehab YET, but I think she's well on her way. She doesn't understand how much of a downward spiral it really is. She has seen it happen before her eyes, but she still has no idea how trapping and controlling it can be. Once you get dragged in, it's extremely hard to get back out. You start out thinking you have control and can quit at any time, but there's a very fine line between being in control and losing control, and I think she's close to crossing it. I really don't want to see Jenny destroy her life.

I don't know what to do. Thank God I have custody of Evan though. I just don't want this to have any type of negative effect on her daughter. She needs to stop.

Other than that, things are great!
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Sometimes I still miss my ex-wife, even though I'm with Annie now and I love her. It feels kind of wrong. I think a part of me is always going to love Jenny though. I don't think I'll ever be entirely over her.
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I finally told her I loved her about two weeks ago. It turns out I had nothing to worry about, so that's good. She said it back, so I'm pretty happy. :)

I still feel like I'm dating the Virgin Mary, but it's all good. I love her, so I can deal with the whole virgin bit. It's still frustrating though.

Jenny (ex-wife) is doing a lot better. She finally got the help she needed, and I'm glad. I was really worried about her for a while there. It's strange...all of that shit seemed to change my relationship with Justin (her ex-husband, current boyfriend). When Jenny and I first got together, Justin was very hostile...so obviously I was the same way back. It got better as time went on, but we still never liked each other. We tolerated each other, but there was still an obvious dislike there. Ever since Jenny had that breakdown or whatever you want to call it, he has completely changed his attitude toward me. We actually sat down and talked. It's strange. I don't have a problem with it...he just did a complete 180. I won't complain though. He had every reason not to like me in the beginning, and I have every reason not to like him now, but there's no point in dwelling on that shit. He's a pretty cool guy, and he's good for her. As long as she's happy, I'm happy.
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I want to tell Annie that I love her, but I don't want to freak her out. Hmmm...what to do, what to do. :\
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I'm dying here. Annie is still a virgin. She's 23, but she has been holding out. It's kinda cute I guess, but I'm going crazy. I don't even know WHEN the last time I got some was. Not since Jenny and I separated, and that was FOREVER ago.



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