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Even though I know I couldn't smoke marijuana, even if it were legal, I think the United States' marijuana laws are fucking ridiculous. If it's not going to be legalized (which I think it should be), it should at least be decriminalized everywhere.

It just doesn't make sense for it to be illegal when alcohol and cigarettes, which are legal, kill WAY more people than all other drugs combined. Tobacco kills the most people (so I really need to quit smoking), but alcohol kills A LOT of people each year.

Alcohol is involved in about half of all drug overdoses. That doesn't mean that alcohol is directly responsible for those overdoses, but a good amount of people who overdose on drugs have alcohol in their system at the time. The interaction of alcohol with the other drug(s) makes overdose even more likely, and it oftentimes makes it worse than it would have been if alcohol wasn't in their system at the same time. Take cocaine for example...when alcohol and cocaine are combined, it metabolizes into Cocaethylene, which is extremely dangerous and is more likely to cause serious heart damage and it's really bad for your liver, which is where it is metabolized. That was the problem with one of my overdoses. I have overdosed on alcohol who knows how many times (but only had to go to the hospital a few times, although I probably should have gone a couple other times), had one heroin overdose, and two cocaine overdoses, one of which was really serious and caused me to go into cardiac arrest. Paddles and everything. Luckily I was unconscious by that point, because that would have sucked. I was drunk and high out of my mind on cocaine, so cocaethylene was most likely responsible for the severity of that overdose. Using alcohol and just about any drug (except marijuana) simultaneously is dangerous. The reason I mentioned my overdose is because it never would have happened if I had just been smoking marijuana and drinking. I might still have gotten alcohol poisoning, but I wouldn't have had such a serious reaction. Same with cocaine...I still could have overdosed, but the alcohol made it worse. Alcohol is extremely dangerous when combined with cocaine, but it's also really dangerous with heroin and other painkillers, and with sleeping pills and sedatives, including benzos. Combining drugs and alcohol is just never a good idea. But back to the marijuana thing.

Alcohol alone is directly responsible for 75,000 to 80,000 deaths per year. That's approximately 300+ percent more than all other illicit drugs combined. You also have to add in the delayed effects, like liver disease, heart problems, etc. Marijuana is directly responsible for ZERO deaths per year. Literally, zero deaths. People can argue that marijuana is responsible for a good number of car accidents, but those car accidents are typically caused by people who have alcohol in their system along with marijuana. Yeah, some people can't drive very well when they're high, but the majority of people I know drive just as well, if not better, when they're high on weed. So marijuana might indirectly result in some deaths, but it's not directly responsible for any. Either way, alcohol causes WAY more car accidents and other types of accidental injuries than any other drug...ESPECIALLY marijuana. All research to date shows that it's impossible to fatally overdose on marijuana. It just doesn't make sense for marijuana to be illegal when it has never been directly responsible for any deaths, ever, while alcohol is responsible for a huge amount of deaths each year, year after year, after year.

It's just fucking ridiculous. And don't even get me started on the War on Drugs.

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A friend of mine just called me, and he was pretty fucking drunk. He's not one of those annoying drunks, like the girl I wrote about a while ago. He's a really fun, funny drunk. Stuff like that kinda makes me miss drinking, because it reminds me of how much fun it can be. It didn't make me miss it in an "Oh my fucking God, I'm craving alcohol so bad right now" way. Just in a kind of nostalgic way.

I know I shouldn't feel this way, but part of me wishes I was the type who could drink in moderation every now and then. I know that's not possible for me though. I'd plan on having one, and one would turn into ten. But sometimes I do wish that I could have a drink or two. Drinking came with a lot of really good times, but it also came with a lot of really bad times. Obviously.

Sometimes I wonder if I still would have become an alcoholic if I'd started drinking later in life, instead of when I was 12. That's so fucking young. SO young. I know that the younger you are when you start drinking, the greater your chances are of becoming an alcoholic. Same with drugs. So maybe it might have been different. Probably not though. Some people just can't drink, plain and simple, and I'm one of them. I can't help but wonder sometimes though. Coke, forget about it. No matter what age I started, I would have become a coke addict. I'm 99% sure it would have been the same with alcohol, but not entirely sure. Part of me wishes I would have given myself a chance to find out by starting later. That's stupid thinking though. Besides, why wish that when you can't go back and change it? It's pointless. And it probably wouldn't have mattered anyway. But I'd be lying if I said that I didn't wish I could have the occasional beer, glass of wine, or Crown and Coke (or Jack and Coke...whatever. Crown and Coke was my drink. Whiskey and Coke in general, but especially Crown and Coke). I don't even mean get drunk. Just a drink. Sometimes it would be nice to just have a drink or two. That's aside from alcohol cravings. Completely different. Sometimes it just sounds good. I'd also be lying if I said I wasn't a little jealous of people who can drink on occasion and in moderation without having a problem with it. But regardless of that, I have come to accept it. It doesn't bother me, exactly. I don't really know how to describe it. It's just a fact of life.

I don't know. He's funny when he's drunk though. I don't usually like being around drunk people. Partially because they're fucking annoying (a lot of them are, anyway) and partially because it bothers me sometimes. But it doesn't bother me with him. Getting a little nostalgic is much different than having it bother me. So if I'm going to get drunk dialed, at least it was an enjoyable call haha. And if I had to choose a drunk person to be around, it would be him. For sure.

Band Days

Aug. 21st, 2012 10:11 pm
xxmadsenxx: (Default)
Sorry, I'm on a posting spree.

Sometimes I really, really, really fucking miss being in a band. I had so much fun playing in bands. Some of the funnest times of my life. There's just something about playing live in front of people. I still love playing guitar by myself or with friends, but playing in a band is so much different. I love the energy of playing live. I love the loudness. I just love all of it. I haven't played in a band in a long time now. Five-ish years. But it was so much fun.

There were some drawbacks though.

When I first started dating Jenny I was in two bands, and it made our relationship kind of difficult. One time I only saw her twice in over a month because I was touring around with my band. I think it was close to six weeks. That was before we were married, so we'd been together for less than a year...maybe only like six or seven months. I don't remember. But it was hard on both of us. Later on in our relationship it caused problems. Playing bars meant I was drunk all the time (not like that wasn't true most of the time regardless), and that caused problems. Me being away playing shows caused problems. Especially once Evan came around. When he was a baby that caused a lot of problems. When I had my last relapse I was touring with my band and fighting with Jenny over it. I'll admit, I was selfish. I didn't have my priorities straight. I put drinking, drugs, and my band first a lot of the time, and that's a huge part of the reason we got divorced. The drinking and drugs played a much bigger part than the band did, for sure. But the band had a role in our break up, because it contributed to the drinking, drugs, and fighting. We would have gotten divorced whether I was in a band or not. But it didn't help. It wasn't the fact that I was in a band that caused problems. Jenny liked it at first. It was just everything that came with it and the fact that I let it take up so much of my time and energy that caused problems. I could have and should have handled it differently. I know that now, but I'm much, much different now, and that's a really good thing.

It would be fun to be in a band again. I'd know how to handle things this time, and I don't think it would cause problems. But 1) I don't have time, 2) I don't think being around the bar scene is a very good idea for me, and 3) I feel kind of old for that...but I know plenty of people still play in bands when they're my age or older. At this point in my life, being in a band wouldn't be the greatest idea. There are parts of it I miss, but there are also parts of it I don't miss. I just get nostalgic sometimes, I guess.

Honestly, I don't think it would be the same sober. That doesn't necessarily mean that it wouldn't be as much fun, but it might mean that. There was so much alcohol and so many drugs. Drugs and alcohol were everywhere, and it was pretty fucking fantastic at the time. I got so much free alcohol, and so many free drugs. Coke was all over the place. And before Jenny, so many girls. Seriously, you want to get a lot of girls, join a band. Girls seem to be drawn to guys in bands. Granted, a good portion of those girls aren't the type of girls you'd really want a long-term relationship with, but some of them are. That's definitely not what I wanted out of it though. It was quantity over quality for me for a while, for sure. I wouldn't want that now if I was single. But when I was younger I fucking loved all the attention from girls.

That whole "sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll" thing really was a lot of fun. I prefer my life now though. I'd never trade what I have with Jenny and my kids for that old lifestyle. Yeah, I had fun, but so many bad things came along with it. I'd much rather be a sober family man than a constantly fucked up manwhore in a band haha.
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I'm having one of those minor alcohol cravings, where I don't want to get drunk or anything...I'm just craving a drink. For the taste of it, I guess. It's not really bothering me...it's not that type of craving. For some reason a beer sounds really good right now. I'm not depressed. I'm not upset. I don't want it for some emotional reason. I just feel like having one. Just one beer. But I can't stop at one drink, so of course I won't have one. There's a no alcohol rule in my house, so it's not like there's any around anyway. Well, even if that rule wasn't in place, there wouldn't be any here right now anyway; Jenny is pregnant, and B can't drink for the same reason I can't (plus he's 17). But even when my older brother lived with me, there was no alcohol allowed in the house. At all. Just having it here would be way too tempting. And if there was whiskey in the house? Fuck that. It would be REALLY hard for me to resist it. That was my drink. Damn, now I could really go for a Jack and Coke. I'll settle for a plain old Diet Coke though. Aspartame is better than alcohol haha.

I forgot to go buy cigarettes today. Now I'm stuck with the few non-menthol ones I have left. I'm sure the only reason I even have any left is because I don't like them. Oh well. Whatever. Better than nothing.

I made one of those Christmas countdown paper chains with Evan today. The ones where you make chain links out of construction paper that alternate between red and green, and you tear one off each day of December until Christmas. My mom used to make them with us when we were little. He enjoyed it. He's also excited about his chocolate Advent calendar that he gets to start using tomorrow. I used to love those. I should have gotten myself one haha. You're never too old for a daily dose of chocolate!

The Christmas countdown thing just reminded me of something. One year, when I was like 18, my brother, my friends and I did this thing we called the Cocktail Countdown to Christmas. We made this giant poster with a different drink and the recipe or whatever you want to call it for each day in December. Well, each day until Christmas. Christmas was the "all you can drink" day haha. We had a shit load of stuff that day. Pretty much every type of alcohol you can get. I got so fucked up that Christmas, after I was done with my family stuff. That night was crazy. Anyway, each day we'd make the designated daily cocktail, and then cross off that date with a Sharpie. It was a pretty fun countdown.

Time for a Diet Coke and a cigarette. Two of the things I love most, haha. Just for the hell of it, and because I'm kinda bored, here's a list of the things I love most, off the top of my head. These things are in no particular order (but of course my family is what I love the very most):

- Evan and the new baby
- Jenny
- B
- My mom, my siblings, and the rest of my family
- My friends
- Cigarettes
- Diet Coke
- Guitar
- Music in general
- Naps
- Sex (regardless of my bitching lately haha)
- Kissing (Sex aside. And Jenny is an AMAZING kisser. Seriously, amazing. I could kiss her all day, with or without sex. Ok, now I sound lame. I'll shut up about that.)
- Coffee
- Chocolate
- Ice cream
- Pizza
- Free time
- Technology, because without forms of technological entertainment I'd be bored as hell a lot of the time.

That's all I can think of right now. Pointless list, I know. But it killed a couple minutes.
xxmadsenxx: (Default)
I've been having cravings for alcohol. Specifically whiskey. Big surprise there, haha. I crave alcohol the most when I want to drown things out...and right now, I want to drown out EVERYTHING. I'm just so fucking stressed and worried, but I have to keep it in because I don't want to add to Jenny's stress. She's going through enough right now. No need to trouble her with more. I'm trying to hide it from Evan, too. He's too young to understand, and I don't want him to be worried. No point in stressing out a little kid. He was a little worried when Jenny was in the hospital a few days ago, but I assured him that everything was ok. He believed me, so he's fine. But kids seem to be really good at picking up on the emotions of the people around them, so I try to play it cool whenever I'm around him...which is a lot. So I'm hiding it all the time, because I'm always around Evan and/or Jenny. Anyway, the cravings aren't that bad, but they're bad enough to be bothersome. Oh well. They'll pass. It just sucks for the time being.

There's no way in hell I can try to quit smoking anytime soon. It's going to have to wait for at least a few months. I still want to quit before the baby comes, but who knows if that will actually happen. I am WAY too stressed to even attempt to quit right now, and by the time all this sickness shit with Jenny is over (if it's ever over), it will be close to the holidays. Also not a good time to quit. Maybe I'll start trying sometime around the beginning of next year.
xxmadsenxx: (Default)
Haha it seems like those two things shouldn't be in the same subject line.

For some reason I'm really craving whiskey. It's not the usual type of craving for wanting to get drunk. I think whiskey is the type of alcohol I miss the most. Well, and sometimes beer. Mostly whiskey though. Having even just one Jack and Coke sounds really good right now. I don't even want it to get a buzz, let alone to get wasted. I guess I'm just craving the taste of it. It's really weird. I don't know if I've ever had a craving quite like this before. I'd much rather have this type than the wanting to get wasted type. It's not really bothering me too much. I kinda wish I could have just one since it sounds so good right now, but of course I'm not going to. I know I wouldn't stop at one. I'm the type of addict/alcoholic that can't just learn to do it in moderation. I have to abstain from everything completely, forever. Not even being able to have a drink with friends or on special occasions sucks sometimes, but it's the way it has to be. If I have to crave it, I'm glad I'm only craving the drink itself. Even thinking about it doesn't make me want to get drunk. That has definitely never happened before. I have craved just the taste of alcohol before, but thinking about it would eventually make me want to get drunk. Not this time. I honestly have no desire to actually drink, even though I'm thinking about it. That makes me feel really good. Obviously not craving it at all would be better, but I'm pretty happy about the fact that I don't want to drink right now. I guess the easiest way to put it is that want a drink, but I don't want to drink. Too bad cravings for coke and pills aren't like that. That would make things a hell of a lot easier...especially with cocaine. It's so much easier than it used to be though. It's definitely still hard sometimes, but it gets easier with time.

On a similar note...

I somehow forgot to post about this the other day. September 2nd marked 4.5 years clean and sober for me. I'm pretty proud of myself. :)

Long rant

Feb. 19th, 2007 03:42 am
xxmadsenxx: (Default)
I feel like the biggest piece of shit in the world. I do nothing but cause problems for all of the people that care about me.

I'm not doing as well as I thought I would be doing if I went back home. I can't stop. I've cut down quite a bit, but I can't stop yet...and that sucks, because stopping is only the first step. It's hard, but it's definitely not more difficult than everything that follows. Adapting to and accepting life without drugs and alcohol is the hardest part. It's changing everything you know. It forces you to deal with your life and your emotions. I have NEVER been good at that, and getting fucked up has always been my means of "dealing". I deal with things by not dealing with them. I do whatever I can to escape from reality and suppress my emotions. I can't seem to internalize the fact that if I want to get better, I have to learn how to face life head on and deal with what it gives me. I need to learn how to live sober, because I don't know how.

I have gone through the rehabilitation process so many times, I could write a book on it. Obviously I wouldn't have any advice as to how to make the rehab process successful, but as for going through it...been there done that a million times.

You always hear that in order to get better, you have to do it for yourself, but you know what? I have absolutely no desire to do it for myself. I only care about getting better because the people that love me want me to, and I don't want to hurt them anymore. If I didn't have them, I would have absolutely no desire to quit. I would keep using until I died, because I really wouldn't care. Sometimes I think it would be better if I did die. I know I sound stupid saying that. I know it's not true. I don't even really mean it. I just feel that way sometimes.

I don't even know why I'm using right now. It's a coping mechanism of mine, but it's not like I have much that I need to "cope" with. I have everything I could possibly want...an amazing wife; beautiful, healthy kids. I love Jenny and our kids more than anything in this world. I don't really understand why I'm doing this. I wish I could just stop. I hate it. Every time I open a bottle, I hate it. Every time something goes up my nose, I hate it. Every time I pop pills, whatever kind they may be, I hate it. I hate all of it, and I hate myself for doing it. I hate myself for not being able to control it. And most of all, I hate myself for hurting my family.

My poor mother. I went over to her house today, and when we started talking, she just broke down and cried. She knows that I relapsed months ago. It's not like it was a surprise when I went over there today. But she hates seeing it. And you CAN see it...I have lost about 15 pounds, which is a lot for me, and I have big dark circles under my eyes from not sleeping well (or much at all). Anyway, she cried today, and it made me feel like shit. I hate doing this to her. My mom has gone through so much already. She doesn't need this. She told me that it breaks her heart to see me doing this to myself, and that she can't bear the thought of losing me too (like she lost my brother). She said "I don't want to see both of my twin boys killed by the same unnecessary evil." I don't want to do that to her. I don't want to put her through it again. I can't even imagine how hard it would be to lose a child, and she has already lost one. That must be the most horrible thing in the world. You'd think that would be enough to make me stop. She also told me that she feels like she has failed as a mother. I feel really bad about that, because it isn't her fault. None of it is. My mom did EVERYTHING she possibly could have done, and more. She continues to do everything that she could possibly do. She has been nothing but a wonderful mother, and I hate that she feels at all responsible for anything that has happened. I couldn't ask for a better mom. Aside from genetic disposition, there is no one to put the blame on but my father. My mom is amazing. I have told her this so many times, but I don't think she'll ever really stop blaming herself, even though it's not at all her fault.

My brother is just about at the end of his rope with me. He has always been the one that was there to pick me up when I fell, but I have fallen so many times that he doesn't really have the strength to pick me up anymore. He won't flat out tell me that, but I can feel it. He's my best friend in the whole world, and I'm his...so I know how hard it is for him.

And Jenny...oh God, Jenny. The love of my life. My wife. The mother of my children. Why am I doing this to her? I hate myself so much for it. I love her so much it hurts, so it kills me to know how much pain I'm causing her. I want nothing more than to make her happy and if I could, I would take away all of the pain that she has ever endured in her life...but now I'm the one causing it. I know I keep saying that I hate myself, but I really hate myself for that.

I love my wife and kids so much. I don't want to become my father. I can't. I won't. Like I have said many times before, I would never do some of the things that he did, or be abusive to my family in any way, but my substance abuse is abuse enough.

When I look at my wife, it kills me to see the pain in her eyes, because I'm the one that caused it. I just want to hold her in my arms and tell her that everything will be ok, but I can't, because everything won't be okay until I overcome this once and for all. I know I will always struggle with sobriety once I achieve it (IF I achieve it...it seems impossible sometimes), but I want to get to the point that I will never go back (to using).

I just don't know what to do anymore. I want to stop. Really, I do. For good. But living sober forever scares me, and I don't know how to do it.

I need to learn how to stop all this self-loathing so that I can get better for ME. I need to want to be sober not just for my family, but for myself. I just don't know how to get to that point.


I want a drink, but I'm going to try to resist and go have a cigarette instead.

On a lighter note, my son turned one this month. How crazy is that? I can't believe it has been a whole year already. It has gone by so fast.
xxmadsenxx: (Default)
I have been up for the past 20 hours or so. I can't sleep. I tried, but it's not going to happen. I realized that I hadn't written in this thing forever, and I thought it might help, so we'll see. Haha you guys probably don't even remember me.


I have fucked up. Royally.

Only click this if you really want to see how bad I fucked things up. Be prepared. It's long. I have four months of catching up to do. )
xxmadsenxx: (Default)
God. I just finished writing the last entry, and already I'm having to write another. I fear that if I get up right now, I'll do something I regret. I can't deal with this shit. I just can't. I get into a fight with Jenny because I don't want her purging while she's pregnant. Well I'm so fucking sorry. I guess I'm just a horrible person for caring what happens to her and the baby. I'm an asshole for "telling her what to do with her own body". Well excuse me...I think this involves me too. Fuck me for caring.


I'm feigning (sp?) right now. I don't even know what for. Coke. Alcohol. Both. No...mainly liquor. A shit load of liquor. God I don't know. I can't get up from this computer desk or I'll fuck this up even more. How fucked up are we? We're having a baby, we have her (our) four-year-old, and Jenny can't stop doing the shit she's doing, and I can't get past my fucking addiction? Pretty fucking pathetic.

I seriously need something. I can't handle this. I can't handle anything right now. I hope none of you ever have to deal with this shit...not being able to get through a given night without some sort of mind-altering substance. It's pathetic. I can't give in to it though. I have to stop this shit. I've been so good for the past...I don't know, month? Six weeks? I don't know how long ago I wrote that last one when I did it. Maybe it hasn't been as long as I thought. But it's been a while. Now if only I could cut down on the drinking. I need to go to AA meetings or something. It's the middle of the night and I'm sitting here, anxious as all hell, heart pounding, NEEDING something. Anything. It doesn't even really matter what it is. But I know I can't have it. I can't let myself have it. I won't.

Fuck. Now I'm just rambling.

I need a cigarette.


May. 16th, 2005 11:54 pm
xxmadsenxx: (Default)
I came across this subject in a community called altered_states, and I made my response to the post a lot longer than I had intended to.

Original post:

What is your opinion on drug addiction?

To explain my question, I think that when one is addicted to drugs it is completely their fault. I think that everyone has that line they cross when they start using drug exsessively and if they cross the line, it's their dicision to become an addict.

...if you start before you're addicted, you'll be fine and it's all about will power."

Am I wrong for my answer?
Is this a completely wrong annalysis of addiction?

I was just wondering what you all thought.

My response:

To a certain extent, I suppose you're right. When you do drugs, you know there's a chance that you may become addicted, but nobody ever thinks that it will happen to them. Everyone goes into it thinking that they'll be able to control it. And some people can. Some are able to stop themselves before crossing that line, but others get to a point in their lives where they don't know what else to do. Addiction can be a way of dealing with things. It can become a problem before you even realize that it's a problem. You do it casually at first, but you do it more and more as time goes on until it's just a way of life. And when your addiction is your life, it's hard to give it up.

I'm an addict. A recovering addict, yes. Well, sort of. I did coke two or three times this month...which I know I shouldn't have done, because it's my drug of choice. I have seen firsthand what addiction can do to people. It destroys friendships, tears families apart, and it kills. From what I've gone through, I should have enough sense not to use at all. But when you have a real addiction, it just isn't that easy. People may say "Have a little self-control", or "You just need more will power", but it's not as simple as that. You can have all the conscious will power in the world, but sometimes there's something in the back of your mind that just takes control of you.

I started using drugs when I was about 15. I started smoking weed when I was 13 or 14. 15 is when I first did almost everything. I got pretty heavy into drugs and was a full blown addict by 16. My twin brother and I hung out with a bunch of partiers. All we did was go to shows, play in our band, party, have sex, and do drugs. Sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll really was what our lives were all about. For three, almost four years straight I didn't have one sober day. Not one. I was always on something. I didn't care what it was...I'd do it. When I was 19, my twin brother, who was a heroin addict and my best friend in the world, overdosed and died right in front of me.

You'd think seeing and going through that would clean me up, right? Wrong. Common sense would tell me that it was a wake up call, and that I needed to stop all of that. But addiction is beyond common sense. It's a force that you really can't control, once you're into it bad enough. Getting over an addiction is not as easy as just having will power. Trust me. I tried to turn my life around so many times. I went to rehab for the first time when I was 18, and I've been a total of four times...two intensive, two out-patient. I tried each of those times, and I thought I had all the will power in the world, but it wasn't enough. Only when the healing/recovery process starts can will power actually have a big effect on your life and your addiction.

Anyway, my point is...will power can help at first, but addiction goes way beyond will power. The only way you can really ensure that you'll never become an addict is to have the will power to never do drugs in the first place.


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