xxmadsenxx: (Default)
I'm watching Addicted (a show on Discovery Fit and Health) and Kristina, the interventionist, just said, "Sobriety is not for those of us who need it; it's for those of us who want it."

I really like that quote. It's so simple and so true. I needed sobriety for a long time, but it didn't stick until I wanted it. I needed it badly, but I didn't want it. Well, there was a time where I thought I wanted it, but I didn't truly want it. That was the second to last time I went to rehab. I was clean for a year and a half before I relapsed. That time I wanted it because other people wanted it for me, and I felt obligated to get sober. I felt guilty for using. I felt like I had to do it for my family, but I didn't want it for myself. I've said this before, and I'll say it a million more times: in order to get sober and stay that way, you have to want it for yourself. All addicts need sobriety, but obviously that's not enough to make them achieve and maintain it. You really do have to want it.

Addicted is SO much better than Intervention. I'm not a fan of Intervention. I don't like their approach. Addicted places a lot of focus on the recovery process, where as Intervention hardly shows that. This Kristina lady seems genuine, and she's understanding and non-judgmental. She's up front and honest without being a bitch. I could go on for quite a while about what I don't like about Intervention, but I don't feel like it right now. Mostly because I'm tired and lazy. I like this show though. Another thing I like about it is that it's the addict who contacts her about needing help, as opposed to Intervention where they just surprise them and basically force them into treatment by using ultimatums. You can force an addict into treatment all you want (or at least try to), but it's not going to work unless the addict wants it. Another thing I like about this show is that it shows how addiction affects the family. Plus it's not a cookie cutter formula like Intervention. On that show they have the same formula for all the interventions: "Your addiction affects me in the following ways ______" and "If you don't go to treatment, ____ (fill in ultimatum here)." Addicted is more individualized. But I really like that it's so focused on the treatment and recovery process, like I said before. Over half the show is spent on that, as opposed to like, five minutes on Intervention.

But yeah...I really liked that quote, so I just thought I'd share it. It's so eloquent and so true. It's well put and really strong; especially for how short and simple it is. I really like a lot of things that she says. But that's such a powerful statement because it rings so true.
xxmadsenxx: (Default)
So...I'm going back to both jobs next week. I haven't worked at the youth center for a while now, but I feel ready to go back. It feels good to be able to say that. I miss it there. I only work there a few hours a week, but it's way more fulfilling than my "real" job.

Jenny went over to her best friend Jen's house (yeah, they have the same name...so sorry if this gets confusing. But Jenny = my Jenny, and Jen = Jenny's friend) and came back looking upset. She came up to me and said, "Chris, I really need you to talk to Jen about getting her cousin some help." So I asked her what was up. Jenny and Jen have been best friends since kindergarten. Jen's 19-year-old cousin, who Jenny has known since she was born, is apparently a hardcore drug addict. She's really bad on crack and heroin. Both of her parents are drug addicts. Her dad is in jail, and she goes from place to place with her mom, who she does drugs with. I think she said they're living out of a motel right now. So she has a pretty fucked up life. Jenny just found out about the whole situation today, because I guess Jen didn't really know much about it until very recently, because she hasn't seen that cousin for a while. Jenny is really sad about it, because she still thinks of Jen's cousin as the little girl she knew forever ago. Jen asked Jenny if she thought I could somehow help her get some type of treatment for her cousin. Jen said that she doesn't think her cousin would go willingly, but who knows. Maybe she'll go if it's presented to her the right way and she doesn't feel cornered and forced into it. Or maybe she just needs to know that she has options. But maybe she'll refuse no matter what. Since she's a legal adult, they can't really force her into it. If she were to get arrested on a drug charge I could easily get her placed into a good program. Hopefully that won't happen, but sometimes it's for the best. I work with a lot of kids who are court ordered into treatment, and many of them wouldn't have sought help on their own. Obviously that's not the preferred method, but hey...whatever it takes, I guess. I know Jenny's best friend Jen really well, but I don't know her cousin. I have met her cousin a few times, but it has been years since the last time I saw her. So I don't think she'd really be willing to listen to me, but I'll try to give Jen all the information I can and she can relay it and hopefully we can figure something out from there.

It makes me sad. Her cousin has had a rough life. Her dad has been in and out of jail pretty much forever, and like I said before, both of her parents are addicts. Her parents haven't been together for most of her life, but they've both been really bad examples. A couple years ago she told Jen that she saw her mom smoke crack. That is so fucked up. I don't care how hardcore of an addict you are...you don't do drugs in front of your kids. Addicts might not have control over their addictions, but they have control over whether or not they do it in front of their kids. They could go in another room and lock the door or something. Even during my lowest points, I would never think of doing drugs in front of a kid, let alone my own. You just don't do that in front of your kids. Now she and her mom do it together...go figure. With parents like that, the poor girl never really had a chance.

I hope she'll get help so that she won't end up like her parents. The sooner she does it, the better. I was 27 when I finally kicked my habit. B got sober right before he turned 17...so he did it really early. Hopefully Jen's cousin will be able to do it early, too. I don't even remember how old I was the first time I went to rehab. I want to say 18, but I'm not sure. I was in and out of drug treatment programs forever. Some in-patient, and a lot of outpatient. So I don't really know. I know that my mom put me in an intensive outpatient for the first time when I was 16. Then I went through court ordered treatment when I was 17 after I got arrested for possession of cocaine, since I already had a prior marijuana possession charge. But I think I was 18 my first time in residential treatment. I don't know. Something like that. Anyway, my point is that it might take a few tries, but the sooner she starts, the better. I just hope she'll do it. We'll see. I'll do what I can, but I can only do so much. I can't make Jen's cousin go. I can really only give Jen the information and try to help her figure out a way to talk to her cousin about it.

Seriously, if my kids ever touch drugs, it would kill me. It's heartbreaking to see kids go down that path. I would never want Evan or Ella to go through that, and I would never want to see that happen to them. At least I know what to watch for. I don't think they'd be able to hide it from me...I've used every trick in the book. Plus I can easily identify someone who's on something and exactly what they're on, even when other people might not take much notice. I know a lot of parents like to think they'd know if their kids were doing drugs, but I'm convinced I would know. Been there, done that. They wouldn't be able to hide it. I'm a pretty easygoing parent (at least so far...but I'm only six years in), but drugs are one thing I would be REALLY strict about. Zero-tolerance policy.

Anyway...

I'm teaching that class again starting the first week of June. It has been a while since the last one I did. I'm hoping I won't get any young girls trying to hang all over me this time. Hahaha. That was so awkward last time.

Damn, I need to go to bed. Surprisingly Jenny is still up and in the other room. I'm writing this in bed. I think I'm too tired and lazy to even go take my contacts out, so I'll probably sleep in them and regret it in the morning. Oh well. It just sucks when you first wake up. After a while it's fine. My contact case and solution are in the bathroom that's in our bedroom, so it's not like I'd have to go very far at all, but fuck that. Too much effort.

Yeah, it's time for bed for sure.
xxmadsenxx: (Default)
One of the things I talked to my therapist about today was drugs. Well, obviously that's a subject that will always come up a lot. But I said something about how sometimes I wish I was one of those people who could do drugs recreationally and be just fine. So that sparked the conversation. She asked me why I wish that. I told her because drugs are fun and I enjoy them. That's not a very good answer, because it doesn't explain anything. So she made me try to explain it further. So here's what I came up with (what I remember of it, anyway):

- Drinking and doing drugs feels good. Plain and simple.
- The process of doing drugs and getting drunk is fun. The social aspect of it is fun.
- I like feeling carefree.
- I like the rush you get when you do a line (or shoot up, but IV use wasn't a part of my regular routine. It was a "sometimes" thing.)
- I just really like sniffing things haha. I love insufflation.
- Everything is different on drugs. That's good in some ways, and bad in some ways. But I miss the excitement and intensity.
- I like the taste of alcohol and the smell and taste of cocaine.
- I miss the altered perceptions.
- Some things just look, sound, and feel better on drugs/alcohol. Just like some things seem to be more fun that way.
- Good boredom killer.
- Alcohol and some drugs (like opiates and sedatives) help me sleep. Even as a cokehead I slept better than I do now, because I had other things to help. Even if I didn't drink or do other drugs after the coke, I could smoke some pot while coming down off the coke and go to sleep. Now I struggle to sleep almost every night.
- I miss the lifestyle. The good parts of it, that is. Because the good parts were really good.
- I miss writing music on drugs. I wrote a lot of my best stuff on coke, and always, always, always did coke before a show. Performing while high on cocaine with a few drinks on you is the most amazing feeling ever. Just a few though...more would come later, after you got off stage. You don't want to be a complete fucking mess up there. But a few lines of coke and a few drinks, and you are more than good to go.
- I miss sex on drugs. I'm not saying sex is better on drugs. Overall, I think sex is better sober. But it's different. Especially sex between addicts. When you're both hooked on the same thing and high out of your minds, there's this crazy intense passion. I don't even know how to describe it. Being in love always makes sex better too, but two addicts in love having sex while high as hell? Fucking amazing. I think that's what I miss about Nikki.
- There's a type of romantic element to it. With cocaine, it was like being in the best relationship I've ever been in, and the worst relationship I've ever been in.

And this isn't a reason I wish I could do them recreationally, but I hate the fact that some people can and I can't.

Then of course there are the deeper reasons, and the more serious reasons I miss them. This list is much shorter than the list of the "little" and more "innocent" reasons I miss drugs and alcohol, but they're the real reasons I miss them most of the time. There are more reasons than I'm listing, but it basically comes down to this:

- Drugs help me escape. They make my problems temporarily go away, or at least seem smaller. But ultimately they create way more problems, and much bigger ones at that.
- I don't have to deal with emotions.
- Drugs and alcohol are huge stress relievers.
- Drugs numb me when I don't want to feel, and they make me feel good when I want to feel good.

But I can't use recreationally for the following reasons:
- I don't know when to quit. I can't stop at one or two drinks or one or two lines. I do everything in excess. I can't stop myself. Once I start, I can't stop.
- When I'm using, the drugs and alcohol take hold of me. I can't live without them. I'm dependent on them.
- I don't really think I need to keep listing reasons. The reason I can't use recreationally is because I'm a fucking addict. Someone with an addiction as bad as mine cannot use recreationally. They just can't. I know I can't. It's a fact. There's nothing more factual in this world.
- Because I'm an addict, using drugs and/or drinking again would ruin my life. I would lose everything I love, and ruin everything I've worked so hard for. It's not worth it.

Man, I really feel like doing some type of drug or having sex right now. I need some kind of a fix. Obviously I can't have drugs, and I'm not going to get sex. Jenny is asleep. She wasn't feeling very well today, so she went to bed early. I guess I'll just go smoke a cigarette. I'll smoke a few cigarettes and listen to music or something. I wouldn't really say I'm having cravings. I guess I am, but not the bad type of cravings. Well...all cravings are bad. I don't know. I don't have a word for it. Drugs sound great right now, but I don't feel the urge or the need to do them. I think I'll just quit writing this now, because I've lost my entire train of thought. I'll just go have that cigarette.
xxmadsenxx: (Default)
[Error: unknown template qotd]

I wish I had NEVER touched drugs. I think the "why" there is obvious...it fucked up my life in so many ways, as well as the lives of people close to me. My addiction(s) controlled me for over a decade, and I wish I could go back and change that. There's no point in ruminating though. No point in dwelling on it, because I can't change the past. It is what it is. I rose above it, and that's all that matters. Some good things came out of my drug and alcohol problems though...I had some life experiences I never would have had if I wasn't so into drugs. Some good, some bad. But whether they were good or bad, I learned from them. I wouldn't be the person I am now if I hadn't gone through all that shit, and for the first time in my life I'm happy with who I am and where I am. I also probably wouldn't have chosen to work with addicts if I hadn't been through it myself. I love it, and it's extremely rewarding. So I guess that's the wrong answer to the question, since I wouldn't change some of it.

Ok, a better answer: I would have physically stopped my brother from doing more heroin the day he ODed, which I wrote about last week. Nothing good came from that event. So that's the one thing I would change or undo. That's a better answer to the question. I'll leave it at that. No need to delve into that subject again here.
xxmadsenxx: (Default)
We have a no alcohol rule in the house because of my problem with it (so obviously there's a no cocaine rule too haha), but last night my brother's friend had a bottle of Crown with him. I was SO tempted to have a drink, or two, or five...but I resisted. It took everything I had to resist because of everything I'm going through right now, but I did it.

I'm glad that my will power is finally stronger than my addiction.

I feel really good about resisting. It may seem like an easy thing for most people, but it's a huge feat for me.

Thank God for my son. Like I said before, if it wasn't for him I'd probably still be drinking and/or using. But I want to be the best dad I can possibly be, and I know I can't do that if I'm not sober.

Long rant

Feb. 19th, 2007 03:42 am
xxmadsenxx: (Default)
I feel like the biggest piece of shit in the world. I do nothing but cause problems for all of the people that care about me.

I'm not doing as well as I thought I would be doing if I went back home. I can't stop. I've cut down quite a bit, but I can't stop yet...and that sucks, because stopping is only the first step. It's hard, but it's definitely not more difficult than everything that follows. Adapting to and accepting life without drugs and alcohol is the hardest part. It's changing everything you know. It forces you to deal with your life and your emotions. I have NEVER been good at that, and getting fucked up has always been my means of "dealing". I deal with things by not dealing with them. I do whatever I can to escape from reality and suppress my emotions. I can't seem to internalize the fact that if I want to get better, I have to learn how to face life head on and deal with what it gives me. I need to learn how to live sober, because I don't know how.

I have gone through the rehabilitation process so many times, I could write a book on it. Obviously I wouldn't have any advice as to how to make the rehab process successful, but as for going through it...been there done that a million times.

You always hear that in order to get better, you have to do it for yourself, but you know what? I have absolutely no desire to do it for myself. I only care about getting better because the people that love me want me to, and I don't want to hurt them anymore. If I didn't have them, I would have absolutely no desire to quit. I would keep using until I died, because I really wouldn't care. Sometimes I think it would be better if I did die. I know I sound stupid saying that. I know it's not true. I don't even really mean it. I just feel that way sometimes.

I don't even know why I'm using right now. It's a coping mechanism of mine, but it's not like I have much that I need to "cope" with. I have everything I could possibly want...an amazing wife; beautiful, healthy kids. I love Jenny and our kids more than anything in this world. I don't really understand why I'm doing this. I wish I could just stop. I hate it. Every time I open a bottle, I hate it. Every time something goes up my nose, I hate it. Every time I pop pills, whatever kind they may be, I hate it. I hate all of it, and I hate myself for doing it. I hate myself for not being able to control it. And most of all, I hate myself for hurting my family.

My poor mother. I went over to her house today, and when we started talking, she just broke down and cried. She knows that I relapsed months ago. It's not like it was a surprise when I went over there today. But she hates seeing it. And you CAN see it...I have lost about 15 pounds, which is a lot for me, and I have big dark circles under my eyes from not sleeping well (or much at all). Anyway, she cried today, and it made me feel like shit. I hate doing this to her. My mom has gone through so much already. She doesn't need this. She told me that it breaks her heart to see me doing this to myself, and that she can't bear the thought of losing me too (like she lost my brother). She said "I don't want to see both of my twin boys killed by the same unnecessary evil." I don't want to do that to her. I don't want to put her through it again. I can't even imagine how hard it would be to lose a child, and she has already lost one. That must be the most horrible thing in the world. You'd think that would be enough to make me stop. She also told me that she feels like she has failed as a mother. I feel really bad about that, because it isn't her fault. None of it is. My mom did EVERYTHING she possibly could have done, and more. She continues to do everything that she could possibly do. She has been nothing but a wonderful mother, and I hate that she feels at all responsible for anything that has happened. I couldn't ask for a better mom. Aside from genetic disposition, there is no one to put the blame on but my father. My mom is amazing. I have told her this so many times, but I don't think she'll ever really stop blaming herself, even though it's not at all her fault.

My brother is just about at the end of his rope with me. He has always been the one that was there to pick me up when I fell, but I have fallen so many times that he doesn't really have the strength to pick me up anymore. He won't flat out tell me that, but I can feel it. He's my best friend in the whole world, and I'm his...so I know how hard it is for him.

And Jenny...oh God, Jenny. The love of my life. My wife. The mother of my children. Why am I doing this to her? I hate myself so much for it. I love her so much it hurts, so it kills me to know how much pain I'm causing her. I want nothing more than to make her happy and if I could, I would take away all of the pain that she has ever endured in her life...but now I'm the one causing it. I know I keep saying that I hate myself, but I really hate myself for that.

I love my wife and kids so much. I don't want to become my father. I can't. I won't. Like I have said many times before, I would never do some of the things that he did, or be abusive to my family in any way, but my substance abuse is abuse enough.

When I look at my wife, it kills me to see the pain in her eyes, because I'm the one that caused it. I just want to hold her in my arms and tell her that everything will be ok, but I can't, because everything won't be okay until I overcome this once and for all. I know I will always struggle with sobriety once I achieve it (IF I achieve it...it seems impossible sometimes), but I want to get to the point that I will never go back (to using).

I just don't know what to do anymore. I want to stop. Really, I do. For good. But living sober forever scares me, and I don't know how to do it.

I need to learn how to stop all this self-loathing so that I can get better for ME. I need to want to be sober not just for my family, but for myself. I just don't know how to get to that point.

Fuck.

I want a drink, but I'm going to try to resist and go have a cigarette instead.

On a lighter note, my son turned one this month. How crazy is that? I can't believe it has been a whole year already. It has gone by so fast.
xxmadsenxx: (Default)
I have been up for the past 20 hours or so. I can't sleep. I tried, but it's not going to happen. I realized that I hadn't written in this thing forever, and I thought it might help, so we'll see. Haha you guys probably don't even remember me.

Anyway...

I have fucked up. Royally.

Only click this if you really want to see how bad I fucked things up. Be prepared. It's long. I have four months of catching up to do. )
xxmadsenxx: (Default)
My wife read the book A Million Little Pieces recently (after it was featured on Oprah, of course...surprise surprise. Haha), and she insisted that I read it. I was hesitant at first, because I'm not really the Oprah's Book Club type. But as soon as I started, I was hooked. From page one.

I have never read something that explains what it's like to be an addict so well. It captured everything. I can't believe I'm getting on here after a month (sorry about that, by the way) and writing about a fucking book. But Jenny was right...it was definitely worth reading. And I don't really read much.

Reading about his experiences with drugs, and pain, and love, and loss, and rehab, etc. almost made me relive it all. I started having weird dreams about my past, and about drugs...it's strange, but it's almost like reading about that shit makes all of the memories resurface somehow. Good and bad. I definitely still miss some of it. That's a lie. I miss it every day of my life. I think it's something I'll always struggle with, but I don't miss everything else that came with it. My life is so good now. I'm not going to fuck that up.

The guy that wrote the book has never used again, and I find that extremely inspiring. If he could go against all of the AA bullshit (not all of it is bullshit, but a lot of it is), break all the rules, and still get over his addiction, it makes me think that I can too.

I still can't believe I'm writing about a fucking book. But if you haven't read it, you should.


By the way, I've been clean for 4 months now, as of the 7th. Three days after my birthday. 26...I'm getting fucking old. Haha.
xxmadsenxx: (Default)
Sometimes I think Jenny would be better off with her ex-husband. Yes, I realize that he's her ex-husband for a reason, but we started dating after they had been separated for about 9 months, right before she filed for divorce. There was a possibility of them getting back together. But first she wanted to make sure that she was doing the right thing by making it permanent and being with me instead. Which are the pretenses under which we had our first kiss. Right after that, she filed. Originally, I planned on steering clear and not even so much as kissing her until she filed for divorce, because even though they had been separated for nearly a year, something about it didn't feel right...she was still technically married, and I didn't want to fuck with that. But she was torn as to what to do, and was afraid to leave everything she knew (they had been together since she turned 16) for something that she wasn't sure about. She felt that the only way she could really be sure was if we kissed. I'm repeating myself a lot. I know that. Excuse me, I'm a bit off right now. But let's not get into that. Anyway, sometimes part of me thinks that maybe it never should have happened. That maybe they should have just worked things out...and I'm sure they could have. Don't get me wrong, I love her more than life itself, but I want what's best for her. And if I would have just stayed away like I had planned on doing, maybe things would have worked out for them, and she'd be better off. He can give her things that I'll never be able to give her...he's loaded, he's in law school, he could give her everything she could ever want...but she left that for some punk rocker drug addict/alcoholic. I don't want her to have to deal with this shit. I thought it was over and done with, because things were going so well for so long. But obviously that's not the case. Now I feel guilty for bringing her into all of this.

When I'm not in my current state of mind, I know that all the shit I just wrote isn't true. That I don't really think she'd be better off with him. If that were the case, she wouldn't have been so unhappy that she felt the need to divorce him. I know that she loves me, and that she'll stand by me through thick and thin without thinking twice about it. She lets me know how much she loves me every single day. I just feel really bad about it. I want the best for her...not this.

My dad put my mom through hell. He had uncontrollable (alcohol-induced) rages, he abused her and cheated on her, and he abandoned us. Just upped and left without a trace. Who knows if he's even still alive. But I swear to God, if I ever saw that mother fucker again, I'd beat him to a bloody pulp. And my dad was only an alcoholic...no drugs involved. I refuse to put my family through anything even remotely like that.

I really hope I can get clean and stay clean this time around. I have to. If not...I don't know what will happen. I don't even want to think about it. But I don't want that kind of life for my wife and my kids. I want the very best for them, and I can't give them that unless I get clean and stay that way.




I know all of my entries the past few days or so have been really repetitive, but I can't help it. It's all that's on my mind...it's consuming my life. I can't talk to Jenny about it (I need to...I just haven't yet), so this stupid online journal is the best outlet I have at the moment.
xxmadsenxx: (Default)
God. I just finished writing the last entry, and already I'm having to write another. I fear that if I get up right now, I'll do something I regret. I can't deal with this shit. I just can't. I get into a fight with Jenny because I don't want her purging while she's pregnant. Well I'm so fucking sorry. I guess I'm just a horrible person for caring what happens to her and the baby. I'm an asshole for "telling her what to do with her own body". Well excuse me...I think this involves me too. Fuck me for caring.

Fuck.

I'm feigning (sp?) right now. I don't even know what for. Coke. Alcohol. Both. No...mainly liquor. A shit load of liquor. God I don't know. I can't get up from this computer desk or I'll fuck this up even more. How fucked up are we? We're having a baby, we have her (our) four-year-old, and Jenny can't stop doing the shit she's doing, and I can't get past my fucking addiction? Pretty fucking pathetic.

I seriously need something. I can't handle this. I can't handle anything right now. I hope none of you ever have to deal with this shit...not being able to get through a given night without some sort of mind-altering substance. It's pathetic. I can't give in to it though. I have to stop this shit. I've been so good for the past...I don't know, month? Six weeks? I don't know how long ago I wrote that last one when I did it. Maybe it hasn't been as long as I thought. But it's been a while. Now if only I could cut down on the drinking. I need to go to AA meetings or something. It's the middle of the night and I'm sitting here, anxious as all hell, heart pounding, NEEDING something. Anything. It doesn't even really matter what it is. But I know I can't have it. I can't let myself have it. I won't.

Fuck. Now I'm just rambling.

I need a cigarette.

Addiction

May. 16th, 2005 11:54 pm
xxmadsenxx: (Default)
I came across this subject in a community called altered_states, and I made my response to the post a lot longer than I had intended to.

Original post:

What is your opinion on drug addiction?

To explain my question, I think that when one is addicted to drugs it is completely their fault. I think that everyone has that line they cross when they start using drug exsessively and if they cross the line, it's their dicision to become an addict.

...if you start before you're addicted, you'll be fine and it's all about will power."

Am I wrong for my answer?
Is this a completely wrong annalysis of addiction?

I was just wondering what you all thought.



My response:

To a certain extent, I suppose you're right. When you do drugs, you know there's a chance that you may become addicted, but nobody ever thinks that it will happen to them. Everyone goes into it thinking that they'll be able to control it. And some people can. Some are able to stop themselves before crossing that line, but others get to a point in their lives where they don't know what else to do. Addiction can be a way of dealing with things. It can become a problem before you even realize that it's a problem. You do it casually at first, but you do it more and more as time goes on until it's just a way of life. And when your addiction is your life, it's hard to give it up.

I'm an addict. A recovering addict, yes. Well, sort of. I did coke two or three times this month...which I know I shouldn't have done, because it's my drug of choice. I have seen firsthand what addiction can do to people. It destroys friendships, tears families apart, and it kills. From what I've gone through, I should have enough sense not to use at all. But when you have a real addiction, it just isn't that easy. People may say "Have a little self-control", or "You just need more will power", but it's not as simple as that. You can have all the conscious will power in the world, but sometimes there's something in the back of your mind that just takes control of you.

I started using drugs when I was about 15. I started smoking weed when I was 13 or 14. 15 is when I first did almost everything. I got pretty heavy into drugs and was a full blown addict by 16. My twin brother and I hung out with a bunch of partiers. All we did was go to shows, play in our band, party, have sex, and do drugs. Sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll really was what our lives were all about. For three, almost four years straight I didn't have one sober day. Not one. I was always on something. I didn't care what it was...I'd do it. When I was 19, my twin brother, who was a heroin addict and my best friend in the world, overdosed and died right in front of me.

You'd think seeing and going through that would clean me up, right? Wrong. Common sense would tell me that it was a wake up call, and that I needed to stop all of that. But addiction is beyond common sense. It's a force that you really can't control, once you're into it bad enough. Getting over an addiction is not as easy as just having will power. Trust me. I tried to turn my life around so many times. I went to rehab for the first time when I was 18, and I've been a total of four times...two intensive, two out-patient. I tried each of those times, and I thought I had all the will power in the world, but it wasn't enough. Only when the healing/recovery process starts can will power actually have a big effect on your life and your addiction.

Anyway, my point is...will power can help at first, but addiction goes way beyond will power. The only way you can really ensure that you'll never become an addict is to have the will power to never do drugs in the first place.

Profile

xxmadsenxx: (Default)
xxmadsenxx

April 2013

S M T W T F S
  123456
78910111213
14151617181920
21222324252627
282930    

Syndicate

RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Sep. 25th, 2017 11:35 am
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios