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I'm watching Family Guy, and Brian and Peter were court ordered to go to AA meetings for 30 days. When the guy leading the meeting told Peter he needed to turn himself over to a higher power, Brian laughed. Well, not a full-on laugh...you know, one of those single "ha" laughs you do when you think something's stupid. I got in trouble for doing the exact same thing at an AA meeting in rehab once haha. Not the last time I went, or the time before that, or the time before that, but I think it was the time before that time. Nope, wait...not that time either. The time before that. Not like I've been to rehab very many times or anything. No big deal. It was when I was 18. I know that much. Of course when they asked what my little "ha" was about, I went off on a rant about everything I dislike about AA. I mostly went off about the "Higher Power" thing. I got a lecture for it. I still had to go to meetings of course, since it was part of the rehab program, but the person lecturing me told me to keep my comments to myself. I said, "But I thought we were supposed to SHARE in meetings," with a smart ass tone, and he didn't like that too much either. I ended up getting kicked out of that rehab lol. Not for the meeting incident...that happened like the third day I was there. It was shortly after that though. I don't remember how long I was there...maybe a week? I got kicked out for mouthing off too much and disobeying the rules. I was pretty happy about it. My mom was PISSED at me, but I was happy. But yeah, that Brian thing just reminded me of it, because "ha" was my exact response that time too.

Ella turned four months old yesterday. She has already started teething. She FINALLY started getting better about sleeping at night because her colic started getting better. She's still a little colicky, but not even close to as bad. It started getting a little better a couple weeks ago, but there was a major improvement about a week ago. So we got about a week of relatively peaceful nights. Then it was just kind of like, "Haha just kidding, fuck you guys," and the long nights started up again. At least with the colic we typically knew the time frame in which she'd start screaming. It was almost like clockwork. Now it just happens at random times. I don't mean crying, I mean screaming. Just like with the colic. Loud, blow-out-your-eardrums screaming. That type of screaming is mostly at night, of course. It wouldn't be very Ella-like if it wasn't. But she's crying a lot during the day, too. And she's just fussy in general. Ella is a pretty fussy baby who cries a lot anyway, so throw teething in there, and fuuuuccckkk. Babies drool so fucking much when they're teething. It's insane. So the past couple days we have just kept teething bibs on her all day, because otherwise we wind up changing her clothes a million times a day because her shirt ends up getting soaked. She has all the signs of teething. The drooling, the crying, runny nose, wants to chew on everything non-stop. All of that. Sometimes you can really tell that her teeth (or gums, I guess) are bothering her. I feel bad for her. Poor little thing. I also feel bad for us haha.

Jenny is trying to get me to "smoke healthier." Since I'm not really at a point where I feel like I can stop smoking right now, she said she wants me to try to "smoke healthier." She bought me natural tobacco and this little cigarette-making machine. It's not a roller...it like, shoves the tobacco into an already-made cigarette. So it still has a filter and everything, just like a normal cigarette. I agreed to try it. I mean...she already bought it. What was I going to do, say no after she already got it for me? It would be cheaper than buying cigarettes, that's for sure. But I like my menthols. That's what I have a problem with. I don't like non-menthol cigarettes. Cigarettes are bad for you as it is, and I know adding menthol to it makes them even worse. But that's what I like. I just really don't like non-menthols. I don't like the way they taste, I don't like the way they feel when you smoke them, I just don't like them. When she gave it to me, I asked, "Didn't they have menthol tobacco?" She said, "The point is that I want you to smoke healthier if you're going to smoke, so without the menthol and all the other chemicals in the cigarettes you smoke now. I wasn't just thinking 'Oh, Chris might have fun making his own cigarettes! I'll get him a new toy!' or I would have gotten you menthol." Haha. So I'm trying it. I'll admit, making my own is kind of fun. I doubt I'll continue to think that for very long though. Buying them is way easier and much less time consuming. Before work yesterday I just made a bunch and stuck them in an old cigarette pack. We'll see how this goes. I'm pretty sure it won't last more than a week, but I'll try.

I started writing this like two and a half hours ago haha. Obviously it hasn't held my attention. I keep coming and going from it. It's 7:00am and I still haven't slept. I was thinking I'd get a few hours of sleep in before I have to go to work, but I'm starting to doubt that. Oh well, at least it's only a half day.

Edit: 10:30. Still awake. I decided to just not go in to work today. I'm not taking the day off...I'm still working from home. But right now I'm not very busy, obviously...since I'm here. Haha.
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My wife read the book A Million Little Pieces recently (after it was featured on Oprah, of course...surprise surprise. Haha), and she insisted that I read it. I was hesitant at first, because I'm not really the Oprah's Book Club type. But as soon as I started, I was hooked. From page one.

I have never read something that explains what it's like to be an addict so well. It captured everything. I can't believe I'm getting on here after a month (sorry about that, by the way) and writing about a fucking book. But Jenny was right...it was definitely worth reading. And I don't really read much.

Reading about his experiences with drugs, and pain, and love, and loss, and rehab, etc. almost made me relive it all. I started having weird dreams about my past, and about drugs...it's strange, but it's almost like reading about that shit makes all of the memories resurface somehow. Good and bad. I definitely still miss some of it. That's a lie. I miss it every day of my life. I think it's something I'll always struggle with, but I don't miss everything else that came with it. My life is so good now. I'm not going to fuck that up.

The guy that wrote the book has never used again, and I find that extremely inspiring. If he could go against all of the AA bullshit (not all of it is bullshit, but a lot of it is), break all the rules, and still get over his addiction, it makes me think that I can too.

I still can't believe I'm writing about a fucking book. But if you haven't read it, you should.

By the way, I've been clean for 4 months now, as of the 7th. Three days after my birthday. 26...I'm getting fucking old. Haha.


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April 2013



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